To feel already that I don't fit in with the other new school mums

[Howcantheybesobloodyselfish]

I'm wondering whether we have made a mistake in choosing DD's new school. We have chosen an independent school which seems lovely - I have no concerns about the school at all.

Socially, however, it's an extremely different environment from that in which I grew up. We've arranged playdates with some of DD's new classmates over the summer and while the other mothers are very lovely, I have been left feeling a bit... I don't know, really. Socially flustered, perhaps, is the best way of putting it, and I'm worried that this might affect DD's chances of making new friends. My fairly strong regional accent probably makes it very clear that I am from a different background to the majority of the other parents. I can't really talk about riding or boarding school experiences. I feel as though I must stick out like a sore thumb and, what's worse, find myself putting my foot in my mouth regularly out of sheer discomfort or vague panic. DD got on like a house on fire with the little girl who came to play today and I know she'd like to be friends with her, but I am worried that the perfectly nice mum must think I'm a bit odd. What on earth is the matter with me?

The ridiculous thing is that I have spent most of my adult life surrounded by people from similar backgrounds - I was a City lawyer - and it never used to bother me at all. It was almost as though my job gave me an entry pass into that world. Now I'm a SAHM I don't have that automatic right of entry.

Does anyone else find the initial meeting of other new parents a bit stressful? Does anyone else feel as though they may have mucked it up already? I worry that I have put DD in this environment with one hand tied behind her back already, just by dint of being my daughter, and that perhaps I should have just put her into our village school full of other families like us. Is anyone else in the same position?

In 10 years' time you'll most likely have forgotten the school gate mums. They aren't the important ones here; your kids and their friends are. So have the kids' friends over for sleepovers, playdates, parties, whatever, but only associate with those mums you happen to like and have stuff in common with. Oh, and it's not a bad idea to go back to work if you can...

Seriously, if your kids are happy, then you're doing OK. You'll be wasting time trying to forge a social life for yourself at the school gate.

Gosh - all this angst.

Who cares if the other parents are richer or have bigger houses?

Who cares who has what accent?

Who cares what jobs they do or what cars they drive?

Why does it matter?

You're all parents to kids who you want the best for. Take your kid to school, chat with other parents, see if any of them seem nice, offer them a cup of tea, take part in some fundraising, maybe make a couple of friends, continue to get on with the rest of your life.

Who would give a toss what your job is? Please don't even try to invest in these people. You sound needy and lacking confidence. Maybe it's that which puts people off.

I think it’s really normal to find the transition to school mum hard - especially if your own primary years were not the easiest. It passes. You also do make firm friends, but there’s the initial “small talk and not relaxing” phase which is also there in a state school, but I can easily imagine in a private school environment thinking it’s just you. You don’t sound at all needy to me, just honest. But in admitting vulnerability on this thread you’ve attracted a bullying tone from some posters, which is a shame.

Stripybeachbag - are you sure the pilot wasn’t on his way to or from work, and had no time to change? That would seem the most likely explanation...

My DDs are in a state school where many of the parents are posh and dull. I don't fit it because my conversation goes beyond ballet class and villas in France.

School parent conversations are mostly dull. It's not you OP, it's them.

You don't sound needy at all to me op. Its entirely normal to be slightly apprehensive about new social situations and, in particular, whether you have chosen the right school for your child. Hope it works out for you both.

Rise above your own anxiety. This is just your own insecurities shining through and has nothing to do with the DC parents. I have DC in private senior and I am a working class Scot who has done well and lives in London. My DM behaves like you and gets anxious around the perceived ‘posh’ or wealthy. I however hold my own and get on with most of the DP although some are twits! But you get that everywhere and in fact the most irritating DP were at my DC state junior and infant schools.

Sundaygirls thank you for your comment. Sadly there is no extra effort available to sort out house out. My young kids (includes a SEN child and a toddler) a beyond demanding. I literally get a half hour each evening (if I don't fall asleep) to sort things out before toddler wakes again. So this gap is usually getting things ready for school next day, filling forms or paying bills. basically stuff for other people. I might get two hours a week to do the base work to the house in order to put storage back into our house (that has had to be ripped out.). It will take me a year to decorate one toom. We have previously hired builders or childcare to help but most of them are a waste of time and money. So no we are doing all we can without eating into already limited sleep time. This is why socialising suffers. Both because I can't be flexible enough to handle everyone else's busy schedules and because house is not suitable for visitors. Especially young ones (I know what my own kids will and won't do mostly in terms of the stuff lying around). But to be fair no one invites us to play dates either. Except the one kid that mine don't really like to play with and the parents don't supervise enough. The toddler likes him though!