To feel already that I don't fit in with the other new school mums

[Howcantheybesobloodyselfish]

I'm wondering whether we have made a mistake in choosing DD's new school. We have chosen an independent school which seems lovely - I have no concerns about the school at all.

Socially, however, it's an extremely different environment from that in which I grew up. We've arranged playdates with some of DD's new classmates over the summer and while the other mothers are very lovely, I have been left feeling a bit... I don't know, really. Socially flustered, perhaps, is the best way of putting it, and I'm worried that this might affect DD's chances of making new friends. My fairly strong regional accent probably makes it very clear that I am from a different background to the majority of the other parents. I can't really talk about riding or boarding school experiences. I feel as though I must stick out like a sore thumb and, what's worse, find myself putting my foot in my mouth regularly out of sheer discomfort or vague panic. DD got on like a house on fire with the little girl who came to play today and I know she'd like to be friends with her, but I am worried that the perfectly nice mum must think I'm a bit odd. What on earth is the matter with me?

The ridiculous thing is that I have spent most of my adult life surrounded by people from similar backgrounds - I was a City lawyer - and it never used to bother me at all. It was almost as though my job gave me an entry pass into that world. Now I'm a SAHM I don't have that automatic right of entry.

Does anyone else find the initial meeting of other new parents a bit stressful? Does anyone else feel as though they may have mucked it up already? I worry that I have put DD in this environment with one hand tied behind her back already, just by dint of being my daughter, and that perhaps I should have just put her into our village school full of other families like us. Is anyone else in the same position?

It's quite natural to be a bit shy with people you don't know well. That won't affect your daughter's social life, she'll be fine.

Who cares about regional accents? You sound great to me and, wow, you were a city lawyer! I'm impressed.

You won't be the only new mum to feel as you do. Give it time.

I understand OP. I live in an affluent town but grew up in a different town a few miles away that is very much frowned upon by some. Very working class background. Live in a small three bed house, etc.

Some of my children’s classmates live in million pound houses and go on numerous long haul luxury holidays a year. Conversations about ski holidays in the playground when I can only stand mutely, etc

It’s hard not to feel inadequate and like your child will soon notice that they seem “poorer” than most. The joke is, we aren’t especially poor, but we are poor for this town! So I sympathise a LOT.

Venys - I used to be very messy and dread a knock at the door because of it. I think looking back I used that as an excuse/reason not to engage as much, it gave me something to hide behind. Really even if the house had been perfect I would have still put it off somehow. It harked back to self esteem issues where I felt subconsciously that I was not enough by myself, I'd need to be perfect hostess/have perfect house to make up for my lack of whatever as a person.

I did eventually get my act together regarding the house. The house was clean but it was untidy. It took me a while to realise that I basically had to do more tidying per day and per week overall. Less sitting down time. More time spent putting stuff in the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, putting shoes and coats on hooks and in baskets, making the beds etc etc etc but like every day. (instead of when I felt like it or once a week). I got better storage and was ruthless with clutter. When you have less stuff and more places to store the things you need, it becomes easier.

After a while it became habit and now I'd be happy to have people drop in any time. Getting organised/cleaning up did make things easier for me because I didn't have to worry that visitors were judging me for untidiness. It was one less thing to fret over. I just wanted you to know that I know the paralysing feeling of seeing all the clutter and not wanting anyone else to see it but then feeling like you're missing out on having people round. Also to say it can be changed. It just took (for me at least) realising that I had put more effort in if I wanted it to look better.

You have my sympathy OP, I felt this way the MC mums and my DD's school. My daughter is in Y6 now, and out of the 30 parents of kids in her class, I have made really good friends with 5 of them. It all feels so personal when its your daughter and your home, makes you feel vulnerable, You will be fine, I promise. If I were you, I would hang back a bit, take my time and not commit to anyone too soon. I bet the mums will just be grateful that you're nice, friendly and available for a coffee or wine if required. Have you seen Homeland by the way?

We invite the children over that our children like and that are nice to them - it is that straightforward. I don't expect their parents to be my friend. All I want them to know is that whilst their children are in my charge I will keep their child safe and vice versa.

That said I've met some made some good friends whilst waiting around at pick up. It just happens that their children don't play with mine so now we often meet in the pub.

Don't fret about this. Your child will find her way and so will you.

Ivy that's so true but then from that you can tell the very best brought up children - those are the ones who accept whatever interests/hobbies the other child speaks of without scorn, surprise, negatively comparing to own interests/hobbies, being incredulous in a negative way or marking it down as boring/bourgeois.

That is the element so many aspiring (for want of a better word) parents seem to overlook teaching their children. Manners. Acceptance. Empathy. Respect. Teaching these are just as important.

You don’t have to or need to be friends with other parents.its not obligatory
You’ll know these parents fleetingly with varying degree of intensity.
Don’t get over embroiled in school don’t join pta,or activities.just be cordial.

I so sympathize, OP! Mums tend to form cliques, as I found out when we moved to Vancouver. I made my best friends with school mums back in France but here I was ignored. All my friendly overtures were responded to politely but no friends were made. Even now, six years later, I have no school mums as friends! I've been told since that Vancouverites are known to be insular but still...
Obviously you're dealing with different circumstances but nevertheless just be yourself. You should be proud of your accomplishments (I'm very impressed!) and friendly without trying too hard. Just relax, smile and enjoy yourself!

My DC have rather unexpectedly ended up in a fee paying school due to an overseas move. There are some very wealthy people at the school, it's hard not to notice. However they are just people, they really don't seem to care about my strong accent, you to have things to bring to any group. Try not to worry.

I came from a disadvantaged background and now move in much more middle-class circles. I had a bit of a crisis of confidence when I became a sahm, even though I had had no similar concerns when I had been working. I realised it was partly to do with feeling like I didn't have anything I had considered "worthy" to discuss - previously I could use my work, it was my point in common and I was great at it so I "knew" I deserved to be where I was and that other people ought to think well of me. But as a sahm I lost that bit of cachet and on the social ladder I had much less in the way of assets by our society's standards and I think I felt that for a while and it hit my confidence. As well as that (and more to the point really), without work I didn't have nearly as much in common with my peer sahms as I'd had with my work peers. It took quite a bit of time to find the common ground. But I did it eventually and the social standing thing was very much my perception rather than theirs. Working through the loss of job standing and common ground was the real key to making it better and fitting in.

I feel as though I may have put my little girl, who is the most important person in the world to me, into a situation where she will be disadvantaged

Jesus, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. You're not as posh as some of the other families, so what? What has it got to do with your daughter and her ability to make friends anyway?

I have a strong regional accent and I know how that can make a person feel different to to others but you are a city lawyer and inferior to nobody. Remember that.

I really believe in the corny saying "Fake it 'till you make it!". In your case OP fake your confidence as you speak to new people. Assume the best rather than the worst. I really believe friends are a precious gift. I tell my kids that, I also tell them to always be open to the possibility of friendship and don't pre-judge people. In this case you are assuming that people "considerably richer than yawwww" * will reject you. Try and assume the opposite.

*Harry Enfield and Kathy Burke

Isn’t it funny how now matter how old we get, we are still little new girls standing at the school gate? (I’m about to go through this yet again... sigh.... and have become a wee bit of a hardened expert.) There will always be the same cliques. The mean girls (like sharks, they can smell insecurity and will exploit it), the girls who have known each other since they were in utero (don’t bother - they’re not hiring), the other nerdy loners at the gate (who when you inevitably end up introducing them to each other, end up having a lot in common, either not being born in the area, being bullied out of conversation by the other cliques, having their kids excluded, etc - will form their own merry band of misfits who all like wine, coffees and gossiping about how much Botox schoolgate Barbie has had....) By the way, your own schoolgate conversations are allowed to be independent of your kids schoolmates as well. Great friendships have started with something as simple as “Love the shoes/bag/skirt!” Or “Do you need a hand with the pram on the stairs?” You’ve got this in the bag!

I understand you and I know it’s because you care about your little girl. I’m from a different country - it’s still English speaking but I don’t feel like I fit in with other mums. It’s taken me a few years to work things out but I have realised two things are more important 1) I tell my children to be themselves. Being yourself is the only way to attract friends who like you for being you. 2) If people judge you and dislike you for your accent or whatever....they are not people you want to be friends with anyway. It’s not always true but I do find if parents are a certain way with people then their children are too.
Please relax and be yourself - you are your daughter’s role model - she needs to get the message from you that confidence is key - not if you know about riding or schools or whatever. Your daughter will make friends - at school - children decide who they like to play with and it’s the confident children who tend to be the most popular.

Our DD1 moved to an independent school at the age of 11. We are not posh but made sacrifices as she was being badly bullied at state school. My mother's first comment was "How are you going to fit in with all those posh people". Yes there were very wealthy families, but to be honest most seemed like us, normal people trying to do the best for their kids. Just be yourself and don't try too hard. Also never assume other people's lives or circumstances. The one posh family whose son was friends with my daughter lived in a place which was like a National Trust property. Turned out they were massively in debt, husband did a flit, turns out he was a crook, property was repossessed and wife and children had to move into local authority housing. Another awfully posh family, the step father was arrested for pushing the child's face into an open fire. The child was put into foster care. She married last year and none of her family were invited. Another parent was arrested for driving her 4x4 onto the playground and passing out drunk (we never had any of this excitement at state school). I could go on, but just making the point that there is no reason to feel inferior. Accents are great - my DH is a proud Brummie and couldn't give two hoots what anyone thinks.

My daughter got a scholarship to an independent school where there were some very wealthy parents. I was asked to join the PTA which I was reluctant to do but I soon realised they needed me. Some of the wealthy parents would give big donations etc but would not get involved with organising events.
I got to know the parents and teachers and 20 years later DD is still close friends with girls from school. We still laugh about the time I sent her older brother to collect her from a friend's house and he had to ring me to tell me the house had a moat! Just be yourself OP.

I've seen this doubt overcome my friends too. They once had a career, gave it up and lost their confidence and identity. That leaves them feeling insecure in new interactions and sometimes being bitchy to others in defensive fashion. If you were a city lawyer, go back to work, live your own life, be proud of your achievements. Don't sit around waiting for your kids to get home worrying if Susan didn't like your shoes. Who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️ Be you. I feel really sad for the women who once were something and now rely on their husbands for a job title. They may say it's the right thing for their family but it cripples their personality. Said with kindness, stop overthinking and go back to work.

I sympathise with the OP. My daughter is at a school with some very well-off parents. The last social we had the class rep was a complete bitch to me in front of everyone else and I ended up feeling like the riff raff who shouldn't have been there. But the most of the other mums are normal. Ignore it all. I do.

After 10 yrs of independent school gate encounters I can tell you that appearances can be deceptive. I am a working (professional ) mum but in new social situations I always avoid divulging my profession. It’s really entertaining watching the social climbers squirm when they realise your not what they assumed.
Like Fishing have seen some eyebrow raising incidents and the divorce sagas are epic!

"It makes you interesting and unique."

Oh come on. Having a non-RP accent doesn't make someone interesting and unique. It's the norm in the real world.

Well... I did not read all the answers but I had a somewhat similiar experience as a kid and I thought I would comment, because I do wish there are things my parents would have done different.
One school I went to: my family was very different from the other families, I think they were more posh. English is not my native language but I think they were what you describe as more posh and they were also different in other respects.
As a kid I realized that the other kids thought they way we talked and and dressed, our hobbies and so on were odd This was in another country and we did not wore school uniforms. My parents made me wear traditional looking clothing from natural fibers and they wore more fashionabele clothing and made fun of ours. Until this day I have the feeling that I am illdressed, do not know how to dress. I learned to talk with a regional accent and to use less posh words, not to mention certain hobbies and to fit in.

Later when I went to a different school it was a great relieve for me to realize there are people who do not think am odd...
But to this day I wish that my parents would have made more of an effort to fit in and help me fit in.

I feel really sad for the women who once were something and now rely on their husbands for a job title. They may say it's the right thing for their family but it cripples their personality. Said with kindness, stop overthinking and go back to work.

....and here's a thread about how the SAHMs are complete bitches. The irony....

OP - I do agree with the overthinking. Your DD goes to this school; you don't. It's for her, not for you. She will find her friends and it's nice/convenient to be on cordial terms with their parents. It's nice, if you're going to be going somewhere twice a day, to be able to say a cheery hello and pass the time of day with the people you see there. But beyond that, it really doesn't matter. Spend your free time with your actual friends, doing the things you like to do and don't worry so much about it.

"I feel really sad for the women who once were something and now rely on their husbands for a job title. They may say it's the right thing for their family but it cripples their personality. "

If they only had personality through their job, it wasn't much of a personality to begin with was it? If someone only has confidence when in a certain job, maybe they need to look at themselves.