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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel already that I don't fit in with the other new school mums

83 replies

Howcantheybesobloodyselfish · 03/08/2018 22:38

I'm wondering whether we have made a mistake in choosing DD's new school. We have chosen an independent school which seems lovely - I have no concerns about the school at all.

Socially, however, it's an extremely different environment from that in which I grew up. We've arranged playdates with some of DD's new classmates over the summer and while the other mothers are very lovely, I have been left feeling a bit... I don't know, really. Socially flustered, perhaps, is the best way of putting it, and I'm worried that this might affect DD's chances of making new friends. My fairly strong regional accent probably makes it very clear that I am from a different background to the majority of the other parents. I can't really talk about riding or boarding school experiences. I feel as though I must stick out like a sore thumb and, what's worse, find myself putting my foot in my mouth regularly out of sheer discomfort or vague panic. DD got on like a house on fire with the little girl who came to play today and I know she'd like to be friends with her, but I am worried that the perfectly nice mum must think I'm a bit odd. What on earth is the matter with me?

The ridiculous thing is that I have spent most of my adult life surrounded by people from similar backgrounds - I was a City lawyer - and it never used to bother me at all. It was almost as though my job gave me an entry pass into that world. Now I'm a SAHM I don't have that automatic right of entry.

Does anyone else find the initial meeting of other new parents a bit stressful? Does anyone else feel as though they may have mucked it up already? I worry that I have put DD in this environment with one hand tied behind her back already, just by dint of being my daughter, and that perhaps I should have just put her into our village school full of other families like us. Is anyone else in the same position?

OP posts:
Mehaveit · 04/08/2018 09:33

All mums worry at the school gate regardless of independent or state, WOH or SAH, regional accent or RP. As others have said, anyone who judges you for your accent isn't worth impressing.

There's a couple of parents at DD2's preschool who live in one of the biggest houses in our village. He has a very short haircut but RP (i.e. one could argue the 2 are at odds with each other) she is well turned out but strong northern accent. She is an investment banker in London, he's a creative. We're really good friends as they're both fab regardless of what I'm supposed to think about them. Some mums are intimidating because they dress better than me but that's usually a small subset of their wardrobe they rotate for work (which you find out over subsequent weeks Wink) Some have tidy homes downstairs but upstairs is a tip (following a curious toddler!) I've stopped tidying up for play dates because no one else's house is any tidier than mine Grin

Parenting shouldn't be a competition nor a reinforcement of perceived inadequacies. Honestly be the best version of yourself and that's enough.

YaLoVeras · 04/08/2018 09:40

Id admire you for being a lawyer! My children at state school but I went to private myself and yet even at state school gates (it's a vair naice school) there can be hierarchies and it's not all in your head.
Queen Bee shit. If anybody ever tries to make you feel small, remember you're a city lawyer and you can afford the best school for your child! Brew

Ansumpasty · 04/08/2018 09:44

You are a lawyer. It’s not like you’ve introduced yourself as Shazza-Vogue and asked if you can bum a ciggy.

You have a social inferiority complex. Children do not have this and your child will be as happy there as she would have been in a school on a council estate.

lakehouse · 04/08/2018 09:53

But she's not a lawyer any more. That's the point.

Notonthestairs · 04/08/2018 10:21

Oh FFS nobody cares whether the Op works or not. It just understandable nerves at her child starting school and by extension the Op having to meet a raft of new people. It will be fine. You and your child will work it out.

I have got no idea what most of the parents do at my kids school because it doesn't have any bearing on most conversations. I was a City lawyer and am just going back to work and can honestly say it's the least interesting thing about me.

Enjoy the last few weeks with your child at home full time and take her in September with an open mind.

DiegoMadonna · 04/08/2018 12:29

I feel really sad for the women who once were something and now rely on their husbands for a job title

Puke.

I feel really sad for people that can only "be something" if they're being paid to do stuff for someone.

nicebitofquiche · 04/08/2018 12:47

My kids went to private school and mixed with friends who had massive houses and wealthy parents. We lived in a tiny house, I had no money and am quite rough. I didn't care though. I'm nice and so are my kids and that's all that matters. I used to go to some of the houses and my jaw would drop as I went in. Sometimes they would come to mine but not often because they had more space and gardens and nicer coffee, biscuits and food When in groups sometimes conversations happened about holidays and clothes that I couldn't join in with but it didn't matter. Most of the time I could join in. I reckon they felt a bit sorry for me sometimes but I guess because I'm quite a confident person I didn't care. Everyone is different and some of those well off mums weren't that happy. Be yourself.

nicebitofquiche · 04/08/2018 12:49

Posted before I finished. My children are grown up now and still have their friends from school. They didn't have as much as those friends growing up but they are pretty equal now.

Scoopofchaff · 04/08/2018 12:58

Hold your head up high and be yourself op!

I sympathize because I (expat) felt very out of place at dd's primary. For a start I was much older than anyone there, I was one of very few Brits at the time, all the other mothers looked v young and glamorous and spoke 5 langs!

But give it some time. You'll find your niche. Doing some volunteering really helps to get to know individuals and makes you feel a bit more on the "inside " rather than on the outside looking in!

It turned out to be the best experience for my DD - it was an amazing school - and I met some lifelong friends there.

Hope it works out equally well for you and your dd Flowers

One last thing, I'm sure you won't but don't let your dd pick up on your disquiet, as DC can be sensitive to these things!

Racecardriver · 04/08/2018 13:00

Honestly, you will be fine. A lot of parents will be from very different backgrounds. You may feel like you stock out because of your accent but there will be the mum with the bright gel nails, the mum who obviously tries too hard and turns up to school events not dressed fir the weather because she planned the outfit a week ago and so on. The thing you have to remember that what you all have in common I'd your children. You want them all to have a good time at school and make lots of friends. Being a SAHM can be difficult because one feels a bit effaced by the process, stripped of many of the things that once matter so much like career, stylish clothes, good figure, time fir traveling etc. You end up finding yourself wearing shaping skinny Jean with Bretton tops and ankle boots on a daily basis with barely enough energy and time to get your children sorted let alone yourself. It's normal to lack confidence but most of the other mums will be in exactly the same position. Try not to worry.

Scoopofchaff · 04/08/2018 13:01

Meant to say - yes the cliques can be dispiriting - but ignore all of that and plough your own furrow.

I am a firm believer that in every walk of life, whether it be office, school, voluntary organisation, whatever, there will always be a few nice genuine unpretentious people with whom you can engage at your own level.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 04/08/2018 13:37

Come on OP, if you really are a City lawyer, there's no way you'll be feeling out of place due to your accent in a play date situation.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 18:02

Maybe it depends on the city and the lawyer
London and magic circle fancy office or Wolverhampton above an estate agent

GeorgeIII · 04/08/2018 18:15

I lived in the north. The dcs came in from school, dropped their bags, went off to friends's and came back after tea.
I moved to the home counties and any contact had to be prearranged. DMs were mostly working. Not particularly friendly from my point of view but the DCs thrived. I wouldn't sweat about it. it's just different.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 18:29

All our play dates are prearranged we both work FT.dont do spontaneity
I’m not in Home Counties
Don’t know what home early counties is tbh

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 04/08/2018 18:29

perhaps I should have just put her into our village school full of other families like us

Then why didn't you?

School is for her, not you. Am sure there will be plenty of other non working mums at the independent school that you can talk to if you really must. Don't most parents just drop off and go to work? It's not meant to be a social event.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 18:42

That’s the thing.the notion that school is your adult world,your social milieu
School is about the kids.not the school gate politics and who is whom

Original poster
Howcantheybesobloodyselfish · 04/08/2018 21:16

LipstickHandbagCoffee - that did make me laugh. It was silver circle, but yes - it was more the former than the latter :).

Downtheroadfirstonleft - I know it sounds ridiculous. I used to be a little embarrassed sometimes as a trainee but just adapted to it - there were people from all over the world in the firm I worked for and so a different British accent didn't stick out as much. Here everyone speaks with RP. But of course I still know I am being absurd.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/08/2018 21:23

You were a city lawyer; yet you feel like a millstone round your daughter’s neck socially Confused
This is your self esteem (or lack of it), talking, it has no basis in reality.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 21:28

Look,ease up.you're overthinking what is essentially a transient adult relationship
You just need to be cordial to their parents,skills you have.fake it to make it
Don’t mythologise this into memory making,finding bff. It’s school.the kids attend you dont

GunpowderGelatine · 04/08/2018 21:31

I felt like this when my DC started private school, as although I'm middle class I'm not privately educated and we're more in the 'well if' category rather than the 'rich' category. A lot of people who went to the private school send their kids there, and they have that in common (and often already know each other) which is what I think made me feel like an outsider. With respect, it's your issue rather than theirs and I think it's just a case of working past that OP

GunpowderGelatine · 04/08/2018 21:31

*well off not well if Blush

AliTheMinx · 04/08/2018 22:05

I sympathise and empathise, OP. Our DS (age 6) attends a private school, and although we can afford it, we can't easily afford it, if that makes sense. We both work full-time and have just one holiday a year, whereas his friends are always jetting off here, there and everywhere. Our house is fine, but nowhere near as grand as those of his friends, and my car is one of the few non 4×4 cars in the car park. We are just a very regular family who want the best for our son. Likewise, I came from a very normal background, but my parents scrimped and saved for me to attend private school from 11 to 18, for which I'm eternally grateful. My DH is state educated, but very clever. He has worked hard to get where he is.

I had exactly the same concerns as you when our son was about to start school. I couldn't be more normal. We don't own racehorses. We don't have holiday homes in Italy. We are not titled! I worried what we would talk about with other parents, but I decided that I just needed to be myself and people can take me or leave me. I can't pretend to be what I'm not.

It's all worked out just fine. I'm pretty social and friendly and have made a real effort to get to know the other parents. There are some I prefer more than others, but that's just normal. I've made some lovely friends (some equally as normal when you get to know them).

I feel proud of what we've achieved on our own merit with no family money behind us. Everything we do is for our son, and he's doing really well at school. He's very social with lots of friends and is well adjusted. His friends don't measure others by wealth. To them he's just [DS's name].

I'm sure you are lovely and other parents will see that. Anyone who judges you isn't worth knowing. Just be yourself and be proud. Good luck!

Stripybeachbag · 04/08/2018 23:44

If they get too much laugh at them. Some of the parents at dd's school are ridiculous so me and dh add it to our mental list: showing up to an assembly in pilots uniform, using the Ferrari for the school run, compulsive one upmanship over restaurants/holidays/house prices/swimming pools.

Most are normal, some are complete knobs. Only one has been a complete bitch to me so I get petty revenge by letting people know that her neighbours egged her house (true and not me!).

scarlettoftheseas · 05/08/2018 00:00

Oh, OP, I really do feel for you! It will get better the longer you've been there.

I'm from a poor family in the Midlands but now live in a wealthy area in the South, which is where DH is from. When we got together, I was coming into a well-known family (tight community) and everyone knew I was the new 'girlfriend', even after we married. I couldn't have been more different from the school mums, although it didn't help that I was usually there for my step-son and they all knew his mum, who was from the that area and fit the mould.
Now that my own DS is in school, I'm kind of just used to it and own it. Making an effort and being friendly really does help. I've made some damn good friends and have seen we actually have quite a lot in common when we get past the initial awkwardness. I had PLENTY of 'why-did-I-say-that' moments and gotten a few odd looks, but just embrace it! At the end of the day, they're really not perfect either. Give it time, my friend.