To have had enough already?

[Jenjenyeahyeah]

Sorry this is long :( We’re only a few weeks in to the holidays and I’m at the point already where I dread every single day and feel like I’m just waiting for bedtime. I have two girls, 5 and 6, and anything and everything I try to do with them just ends up a bloody nightmare. I know myself that I don’t do well without structure, so term time I find better with the set times for school, then I get on with my jobs in the house for the day then school pick up and after school clubs, homework and bath stories bed.

Without a set structure to the holidays I try to let the girls relax but also do stuff with them, go for walks, painting, paddling pool, movie afternoon with treats - and every evening after a nightmarish day I say to myself that tomorrow I will try harder and that we’ll have fun and I’ll enjoy the time with them while they’re off school. But every day, anything I try to do just ends up turning to crap real quick. Examples - yesterday got I got rolls of wallpaper out for doing big painting in the garden - within MINUTES older girl had rubbed blue paint on the dog and was then rushing toward the laundry line to rub her hands all over the fresh drying laundry. Today, it was hot so set up the paddling pool for them, they had a little paddle and a play with the bath toys I’d brought down but then older girl decides to grab handfuls of mud from the flower bed and start chucking it in the pool - then younger one starts to copy. They then stood on the side of the pool so all the water came out. Dinner time they purposely threw most of the food on the floor, and bath time they spat toothpaste at me and older child kept sticking her fingers up her nose and rubbing it all over the bathroom tiles. Board games get trashed, books get trashed, everything gets broken, nothing respected and the house trashed by the end of every day. Going out ends up a dissster as we’ll be 5 minutes into a walk and one will decide they want to go home, or shopping older girl will behave really badly (lifting her skirt, grabbing items off the shelves, shouting). I give warnings, say they will lose things (toys, tv time etc) and I follow through if they still don’t stop. Older girl especially I feel like she’s doing certain things on purpose to upset me/get a reaction (eg last week i’d just vacuumed and she proceeded to empty all the crumbs from her pack of crisps onto the floor then stamp on it...I made her clean it up once she’d calmed down enough for her to listen to me) but I just feel like by 2pm I’m counting the hours until bedtime, which I feel really sad and guilty about. But I’m just not having fun. Is this normal? What am I doing wrong? Why am I finding it so difficult to spend an entire day wit my own children at the moment. Aibu and does everyone just deal with this in the holidays and I need to stop feeling so moany?

Your right. The posters that used that language were not being helpful.

But calling them righteous bitches is also not helpful

It might be helpful to the OP, who is probably feeling pretty shitty about all the judgment poured on her and her kids and might appreciate the support!

Ennirem - thank you, yes it does make me feel pretty shit to hear people saying my children are ghastly monsterous shits - they’re not, they’re little children. I know that some of the behaviour is unacceptable, which is why I’m trying to work on it. I know that if ignored this type of behaviour will continue and I certainly don’t want a teen like this. I don’t think bigger girl has any mental difficulties as she CAN be well behaved, she will concentrate on things she enjoys for long periods and she does fully understand that the things she does she shouldn’t be doing. And everything I’ve read about kids on the spectrum and adhd etc it’s pretty consistent, they don’t just switch from being bright and well behaved to moody and difficult.
I do think the point about wanting attention is valid, we are always all together just the 3 of us and so everything we do is tailored for both not just one. There is only 17 months between them so they do enjoy doing the same things and there aren’t opportunities to spend alone time as they’re schedules are the same (with regards to the time they get up, no nap time, same bath and bedtime). At bedtime I do read them separate stores in their own rooms, so they get 10 minutes each of alone time with me right before bed - but even that is tricky some nights as they each then want to come in each others rooms and see what story is happening etc

Has it been worse this holiday? Could it be reacting to the move?

With autism some DC hold it together very well at school and it gets played out at home when they are safe.

When your DH is Home perhaps you need to make the most of each of them having one on one time with each of you.

She's possibly still a bit young but it might be worth enrolling the older one in a couple of courses over the holidays. So she gets a break from you and vice versa. However much you love someone 24/7 is hard at any age.

Oh op you are really working hard and it is really tough, please keep positive.

Personally l would think what makes my life easier,
ie, stop the messy play in the house, its not compulsory
Don't have washing out till after bedtime.
Only clean once they are in bed.
Organise fast easy meals and freeze, so at the end of the day when you are tired dinner is fast and easy.

I found getting up and going to the park for breakfast(we used to buy croissants on the way, we had to go early as we had a lively dog who needed walking) was really helpful, just out of bed dressed and straight out with a ball or frizbee. Take coffee for you and easy breakfast for them.

No mess to come back to and some energy dissipated, plus the weathers lovely ....

Can you pack sandwiches for lots of picnics for some lunches, if DD wants to throw them let her! Open space and ball games works wonders! You just let her be and relax a bit.

Re other activities, l had to assume my son had to miss out if his sister was misbehaving and we had to leave, it was only for a couple of months and in my eyes unavoidable.

You HAVE to stick to consequences and they have to be immediate....ie in this playspace l expect X,Y,Z behavior or we leave straight away, be fully prepared to leave whatever, no second chances....she will not keep ruining her fun events l can tell you.

One concession from DH ruins it all, so take over fully to address this behavior, really throw the boundaries down, stay calm and follow through, remember she will then ALWAYS know you mean what you say, which is very useful later!

Hang in there op, from someone who has been there..

Just read your update op, mine were 16 months apart DD and Ds.

At bedtime we had a rule that each child had 30 minutes with me and the other was not allowed to come in , ie older DD would read or play quietly in her room and DS got my undivided attention for half an hour, then DD got the same. If they interrupted they lost 15 minutes the following day each time they came in.

Even now they love their own time before bed at 11 and 12. They talk about school, worries, books, lots of giggles and hugs.

It can be exhausting at the end of the day enforcing it but once they know its non negotiable, it becomes a pleasure for all of us.

Hello OP. Just wanted to offer some support. The behaviour you mentioned is naughty but I do know lots of children like this. My oldest has been like this before and I’ve noticed this kind of behaviour in my friend’s children and funnily enough, it’s the oldest child in each case who is the worst. IMO it is definitely attention seeking and also jealousy of the sibling in all the cases I know.

Regards the mess, eat outside whenever possible and messy crafts etc outside. We chalk on the shed, water bombs, paint etc. Engage fully with them, put phones down and get involved with them for a decent period. I find both mine then occupy themselves for longer afterwards. Do simple board games which they can both play with you (shopping list and crazy chefs from orchard toys were good for us). Try and foster a good relationship between the children so they will play nicely together and not see each other as a threat! And if possible, one on one time with each girl at some point (agree with PP about clubs to give everyone a break from each other or organise a play date for one).

My oldest does have SEN (downs) but responds really well to the positive attention. It’s exhausting but worth it in the long run. Be calm and consistent. My oldest is now 10 and her sister 7 and the last couple of years our summer holidays have been really nice and I’m sure yours will be too!

It is hard without a routine, ours for years (from my 2nd maternity leave onwards) was out and very active in the morning - eg walk / scoot / cycle several miles via several parks, picnic out if possible, home mid afternoon. Dc were able to play quietly in the afternoon because they were tired out! Staying at home past 9.30 / 10 am meant fights and naughtiness by 11am at the latest!

My 9 year old punched my 10 year old in the face today, which was a new development in their relationship! Sigh