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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to be open about why friend died?

99 replies

Fakingit36 · 03/08/2018 08:09

Today a friend died, aged only mid 30s, of “complications of liver disease.” Basically, alcohol killed him. No one expected it to happen at this moment but everyone knew he was desperately ill, on and off, for the last couple of years. People politely didn’t mention it when he was alive and now, on social media (and this will go on for some time) people are rightly paying tribute to him and his particular talent and brilliance in a niche artistic area (which I will not give to avoid outing). Sometimes someone says “passed away from liver disease” but no one mentions alcohol. In my case I quit drinking 3 years ago which was a big deal and a wonderful life changer for me and my family — and the thing that really triggered me to do it was watching this friend, essentially, die in front of my eyes then. I never told him that or discussed alcohol with him, but AIBU to wish that we could say out loud what killed him as part of our mourning of him? If he had cancer we wouldn’t hesitate. This was not his fault and it doesn’t make us love him less. But I know that I have a particular take on this because of my own journey - and I know it’s not about me.

OP posts:

fixingabrokenhesrt · 03/08/2018 08:14

I would follow the family's leed it's not your place to put it out there if they aren't

Butterymuffin · 03/08/2018 08:15

It's hard to do without sounding like you're saying it's his fault though.

Sirzy · 03/08/2018 08:18

I’m not sure straight after someone’s death is the right time to do that really. Sometimes the reason for death shouldn’t be the focus.

WonderfulWonders · 03/08/2018 08:18

I don't think anyone is any illusion that at 30 year old dying from "liver disease" is not alcohol related.

ImAGoofyGoober · 03/08/2018 08:18

People don’t like to talk about alcoholics dying. It reminds them of their own drinking worries that a lot would rather keep pushed at the back of their mind.

You obviously feel you need to talk about your friend though so I would talk to people you can trust or maybe try and find a counsellor? You could contact cruse, they offer good support.

ImAGoofyGoober · 03/08/2018 08:19

Or you could chat here? It might do you good to get it off your chest anonymously

AveABanana · 03/08/2018 08:22

It's a tough one. My mother died from a gastrointestinal bleed. I remember it felt like I was walking behind my dad adding "due to liver failure because of her alcoholism" whenever he told anyone. He made it sound as if it were just a strange coincidence that these huge varicies would appear, burst and not clot but I was close enough to see the letter written by her consultant that said he was sorry but he had warned her this would happen if she continued to drink; close enough to know alcoholism is listed on the death certificate (gi bleed secondary to liver disease) - anyone else at the funeral might have thought otherwise though.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/08/2018 08:23

I don’t think it’s your place to start speaking about his alcoholism right now. Let his family grieve.

If you want to educate others on alcoholism find a more appropriate platform.

Start here!

Singlenotsingle · 03/08/2018 08:23

It's a question of love and respect. You loved him so why would you want to disrespect his memory by saying it out loud in public? My Dsis died VC early from the same problem.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/08/2018 08:24

But everyone who knows hiw will know it's down to alcohol, you just want to discuss it, discuss the person and not the disease and show some respect for him and his family

Flyingpompom · 03/08/2018 08:25

I think you're making it about you. Who is it you want to 'say it out loud' to?
Clearly people know why he died. They want to mourn the person, not focus on his death.

Shortstuff08 · 03/08/2018 08:25

Would someone really say, in the immediate aftermath 'Bob was such and amazing person. His music was beautiful. Such a shame he died of cancer caused by him smoking 40 cigs a day since he was 12'

I don't think they would. They may mention he passed away and that it was cancer.

It's not for you to dictate what other people say. Although I do get why you want to raise awareness of what drink can do. I drink very little. That little, doctors record me as a job drinker. However, I wouldn't jump on someone's passing and use it to raise awareness.

It does cone across that as quitting drinking was such a life changing thing, that you want to hijack his death and use it to show people you are right.

I am so sorry if that comes across as harsh, because you are pouring and I imagine you are feeling hurt and frustrated that it could have been preventable.

The other thing is that most people will be very aware, that his liver disease was probably caused by drink. My cousin had a heart attack at 28. Everyone knew instantly that he was taking steroids. It's very rare for a for and healthy 28 year old to suffer a heart attack.

Shednik · 03/08/2018 08:31

You're absolutely right. But it's up to his family now. Their grief comes before raising awareness.

Ennirem · 03/08/2018 08:34

It's difficult because he's your friend and not your family, but by and large I think if you need to talk about it openly you should. I recently lost my mum to suicide, and as I was organising the funeral a lot of people, including the humanist celebrant, encouraged me to gloss over the cause of her death and 'focus on the good times in her life'.

But I felt it was so important to embrace all of who she was in that final celebration of her life, and her depression was a big part of her life from childhood. She was always very open about it, was not ashamed of it, and fought very hard for a very long time against her disease, just as someone who had any other long term health condition. And I felt like we all needed a place to address and share our pain and sorrow about the fact she had lost that fight, and died by herself while deeply unhappy. So I chose one of the songs to reflect the circumstances, and I made sure that the celebrant spoke about her brave struggle with her illness, and I mentioned in my eulogy the importance to me of honouring that sad final memory whilst not letting it overshadow all the other memories I had. I daresay some people thought it was tasteless and vulgar. But the people I really cared about were moved and said it was beautiful, we all had a cry on each other, and I found it at least started to let me feel the grief that before the funeral had seemd to huge to even access, like I was stood outside it unable to scale the wall of it at all.

It was so important to me that we were real about her, that we didn't 'tidy her up' in her absence and make her someone she wasn't. So I completely understand how you feel.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend

Ennirem · 03/08/2018 08:37

You loved him so why would you want to disrespect his memory by saying it out loud in public?

That assumes that it is something to be ashamed of, not an illness which he suffered from. It's not like he died falling from a window whilst robbing a house; he died of the complications of a disease.

cooliebrown · 03/08/2018 08:37

I've been at a funeral where the deceased was described as having lost their life-long battle with alcohol - the surviving family felt this was important to say

notsohippychick · 03/08/2018 08:38

I’m sorry for your loss. Well done on your AF journey!

It’s tricky but I’d let the dust settle. You have a need to highlight why he does and I appreciate that as alcohol is poison and ruins so many lives. But I would imagine people have gathered the cause of his death.

Perhaps it’s too raw to mention it now, but given time it maybe something to think about if the family agree.

Fishface77 · 03/08/2018 08:40

That would be a very selfish and self serving thing to do.

OrchidsAreSlags · 03/08/2018 08:40

My mum died of alcoholism and I don't really like to tell people that's the reason why.

I've found that when I have been open about it, 99% of the time I get the: 'But couldn't you have done anything to stop her?' question. I feel like people think we should have been able to 'save' her before she died.

It's very painful for me. Her alcoholism is inextricably woven into my dreadful memories of my childhood and teens. There isn't really a way of talking about without opening my own, very difficult can of worms. So I just tell people she died of cancer.

I don't really think it's any of your business tbh. Sure he was your friend and his alcoholism and death will have affected you. But I don't think it would've caused you anywhere near as much pain and anguish as it did his family.

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 03/08/2018 08:41

Your friend did die of liver disease though, there are many things drink related that could've killed him including accidents so to say he died from being an alcoholic is very general.

Everyone would've known he was a drinker and I don't understand why you want to start a discussion on social media, it feels very much like you want to use it as a pat on the back for becoming a recovering alcoholic when he didn't and this isn't the time.

Your achievement is huge and should be congratulated however if you want to discuss alcoholism on your social media then it should be your story, his story is not yours to tell.

HulaMelody · 03/08/2018 08:42

I think it’s important to talk about it openly but doesn’t need to happen right now or directly to his family.
If they’re still in the early stages of grief, the anger may come soon with the need to express how they felt about his alcoholism and (eventual) acceptance may not happen if they aren’t open with themselves about the cause of his death.

cakecakecheese · 03/08/2018 08:44

Alcohol played a part in my Dad's death, I discuss it if it comes up but in general I don't mention it a lot and we certainly didn't mention it as his funeral as it was more about missing him than discussing why he went.

Can you do something privately in his honour, like volunteering for AA or something? Doing your bit without upsetting his family.

Anonymumm · 03/08/2018 08:44

I don't think it would be right for you to mention it, however, I can see what is driving you to do so - you turned your life around and you're so grateful to him, but you never told him.

Why don't you write your friend a letter? Put in it all the things you want to say, and would have liked to say to him if you had the chance?

It may help to get these feelings out, which will help you with your own grief, whilst respecting the feelings and wishes of others who are also grieving for him, especially his family.

pasturesgreen · 03/08/2018 08:45

You absolutely need to take your lead from the family here. Family and close friends will know he was an alcoholic anyway, and most people who knew him will be able to read between the lines of 'liver disease'.

FlyingElbows · 03/08/2018 08:45

Dying in his 30s from alcohol related liver disease means he had a very big alcohol problem. So big that it's highly likely everyone knew anyway. I get your point and I agree these things should be discussed but maybe just not yet. It's very sad.

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