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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to be open about why friend died?

99 replies

Fakingit36 · 03/08/2018 08:09

Today a friend died, aged only mid 30s, of “complications of liver disease.” Basically, alcohol killed him. No one expected it to happen at this moment but everyone knew he was desperately ill, on and off, for the last couple of years. People politely didn’t mention it when he was alive and now, on social media (and this will go on for some time) people are rightly paying tribute to him and his particular talent and brilliance in a niche artistic area (which I will not give to avoid outing). Sometimes someone says “passed away from liver disease” but no one mentions alcohol. In my case I quit drinking 3 years ago which was a big deal and a wonderful life changer for me and my family — and the thing that really triggered me to do it was watching this friend, essentially, die in front of my eyes then. I never told him that or discussed alcohol with him, but AIBU to wish that we could say out loud what killed him as part of our mourning of him? If he had cancer we wouldn’t hesitate. This was not his fault and it doesn’t make us love him less. But I know that I have a particular take on this because of my own journey - and I know it’s not about me.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 03/08/2018 10:21

It wasn’t a conversation you felt that you could have with him when he was alive, why is so important now that he is dead?

Liver disease in a 30 year old, I’m thinking alcohol, especially if no one is mentioning it. The reason no one is saying it is because what’s the bloody point, his family and true friends (not the fickle fb types) know full well why he died but don’t want alcohol to be the headline so soon after his death.

I’m glad you’re sober but your friend’s death isn’t the time to broadcast ‘your unique take’ on his struggle.

Subtlecheese · 03/08/2018 10:25

Another problem is that noone knows an alchohlic well, as an addict their whole life is a front a lie to hide. It makes it difficult to grieve for the family who often have seen what's behind the façade, when all the "friends" are missing the false social front, the drink rather than the drinker.
Of course the family want some distance from the friends.

SuperVeggie · 03/08/2018 10:46

Hermione this was the point I was trying to make too. Liver disease does not necessarily go hand in hand with alcoholism.

ladydickisathingapparently · 03/08/2018 12:57

SuperVeggie my cousin died of cancer a couple of years ago, having had a liver transplant many years previously. His liver had been damaged by the cocktail of drugs he’d had to take for colitis and later bowel cancer .......poor guy had never had so much as a beer in his adult life, he couldn’t afford to, but it was amazing how a small minority of people raised their eyebrows at the transplant.

MonumentVal · 03/08/2018 13:04

A friend of mine died due to liver disease. Which was from attempting suicide via overdose about two months earlier. The family included children in early teens referred to the cause of death as liver disease, though when the subject came up among other people and the closer family weren't present, people could say suicide. A coupe years later, the spouse will say suicide but it's not on to contradict closer grievers.

ElspethFlashman · 03/08/2018 13:10

If someone dies of lung cancer you do not say "because they smoked 30 a day for 30 years"

When someone dies of liver disease you do not say "because they were an alcoholic"

So inappropriate.

ParkheadParadise · 03/08/2018 13:12

I really wish people would stay away from social media when someone dies.
Please remember there is a FAMILY grieving.

LanguidLobster · 03/08/2018 13:14

@ladydickisathingapparently do you mean he didn't dare to have a beer because of the damage the colitis meds did?

I thought in these cases OP the death would be registered as 1. xyz disease 2. alcohol

Please don't force a point about it at this stage, they're just struggling with his death

ladydickisathingapparently · 03/08/2018 13:27

Yes LanguidLobster he’d been on some fairly horrendous drugs since adolescence to control his colitis and had been warned from the start that liver damage was a risk but had no choice due to the severity of his problems. So he knew not to drink alcohol as his liver was already at risk. I’ve literally never seen him touch a drop.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2018 13:28

I'd agree, if you weren't close enough to discuss this with him when he was alive, then you shouldn't be discussing it with others when he's dead.

And no one is under any illusion what liver disease often means at this age, anyone who knew him likely knew he was an alcoholic.

Leave it be.

thethoughtfox · 03/08/2018 13:49

It is up to his family if they want to be open about it. It is not up to a friend to reveal secrets that most people find shameful.

Viewofhedges · 03/08/2018 13:49

If you feel strongly about it, Perhaps in a few months you could - with the permission of his family - take part in a charity event for a charity which deals with the illness he had. I agree that now it is raw and you should take the family's lead, but you could use the energy of your grief to organise a fundraiser in his memory. Maybe that would be a better time to discuss the illness more widely.

BlueThesaurusRex · 03/08/2018 13:56

My mums death certificate reads ‘hepato-renal failure, alcoholic liver disease’

Anyone who knows her knows that alcohol was the cause, I don’t hide it from people but I don’t try to draw attention to it either.

You should feel free to talk about it with people when remembering him but I would not try to get his family to talk about the details unless they approach you directly about it.

Well done on sorting yourself out- long may it continue! Flowers

PanickyBrum1 · 03/08/2018 14:19

It's a really difficult one and I'm not sure I have a good answer.

What I would say, as an alcoholic in recovery, is that although a few people close to me were telling me to stop drinking; when I actually did stop, I was really surprised when people were not shocked that I was identifying as an alcoholic.

I had lots of conversations like this;
"I'm an alcoholic" -me
"well no shit sherlock" friends

Now I've got some sobriety and after some time, I look back and think, of course I was an alcoholic, but at the time I took a lot of convincing and had a lot of inner turmoil about it. I think whatever you decide to do, people should be more aware that alcoholism is very prevalent and quicker to tell each other when we have concerns. It's absolutely fine to live in a society with lots of alcohol use but we have to become more comfortable talking about the consequences and have less shame around the issue.

AlpacaLypse · 03/08/2018 14:24

I lost a sibling to alcohol aged 38. Our mother was initially very much in denial but myself and our other siblings all felt strongly that it was important to talk about it. We requested family flowers only and asked for donations towards a secondary rehab unit - something that is in even shorter supply on the NHS than primary rehab - at the funeral, which opened up a lot more conversations.

People were very definitely waiting to be given a cue about whether or not we wanted to acknowledge the true cause of his death, and the moment they realised we did, it felt like the elephant in the room had gone. We were also able to talk about the root cause of his alcoholism, which was childhood sexual abuse at boarding school.

If our experience has helped any friends and their families to seek help, then I will be grateful.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/08/2018 14:36

I went to a funeral of an alcoholic. I thought I was at the wrong funeral. The person they were talking of in such a wonderful loving way was nothing like the 'real life' version. Totally selfish, abandoned kids, ripped people off.

I knew they would turn it down a bit, but to turn the deceased into a saint Hmm
When we walked out I said to DH, he'd better make sure at my funeral everybody gets the true version of me, warts and all. They can take the piss out of all my faults. It was surreal, the description was nothing at all like the deceased.

imlateagain · 03/08/2018 14:41

My sister died of alcohol-related causes. She was so much more than an alcoholic; she was clever and kind, she had a very good job, she was a mum and a wife and a daughter and a sister. We all loved her deeply. When she died, I was distraught at the thought that anyone might talk about her alcoholism at her funeral. Whatever is said, people are judgmental about things like this, and I couldn't bear the thought of her being judged for this, rather than for her many positive qualities. It would have broken my heart if someone had taken to social media to discuss this, and not just me - her husband, her young children, our father...please don't do this thinking you're helping your friend's family or his memory. You'd only be doing if for yourself.

Rebecca36 · 03/08/2018 14:49

Don't say anything, leave it be. I understand how you feel but your friend is gone now and revealing all (which most people will know anyway) will achieve nothing apart from which it isn't your place to do so.

kenandbarbie · 03/08/2018 14:52

I don't think you're saying that You want to say it was alcohol. I think you mean that in general it would better if people spoke about it? In which case, yes I agree.

LanguidLobster · 03/08/2018 14:55

not today though, he only died today

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 03/08/2018 15:03

He has just died TODAY and you are posting at 8AM that you wish everyone could be open about what killed him? When should that start, in your opinion? The second the death notice goes up? Ten minutes afterwards? Or, you know, perhaps you could give the family a couple of hours' grace before you bring his drinking into it?

You must have been knocked sideways by grief to think this is in any way appropriate - judging the way people have chosen to post their first reactions on the day he actually died! You have NO idea how his family is going to handle this, and seem to have given them about five seconds before deciding your opinion.

And if you brought alcoholism into social media like this for one of my relatives without asking family first, I'd have you blocked. Massive, massive overstepping.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 03/08/2018 15:07

PS I would never mention what killed someone when remembering them on social media. You post to remember the person and comfort the family, not give details on eg the car crash that they died in. Tasteless.

dustarr73 · 03/08/2018 15:08

It reads to me you want to make it all about you.How you stopped drinking.

Its very disrespectful to teh family and to your friend that died to announce to the world.
Its not your place to do that

Notonthestairs · 03/08/2018 15:10

By all means talk about your own past issues with alcohol - there is a lot of value to that.
But deciding to open up discussions about your friends death so soon after he passed is not kind to his remaining family (unless they are on board). It's your friend but their child/sibling/partner.

There will be time to do this - but not now.

OrchidsAreSlags · 03/08/2018 19:55

And also, another thing that’s occurred to me, when people find out someone’s an alcoholic they can sometimes get a bit judgy. ‘Brought it on themselves’, ‘don’t deserve NHS money spent on them’, etc. People tend to make assumptions about people who are alcoholics, that they’re losers, wasters, bad people. I don’t tell people my mum was an alcoholic because I think they’ll judge her just on that. And in fact she was a whole person with great qualities in spite of the alcoholism.