AIBU to want to be open about why friend died?

[Fakingit36]

Today a friend died, aged only mid 30s, of “complications of liver disease.” Basically, alcohol killed him. No one expected it to happen at this moment but everyone knew he was desperately ill, on and off, for the last couple of years. People politely didn’t mention it when he was alive and now, on social media (and this will go on for some time) people are rightly paying tribute to him and his particular talent and brilliance in a niche artistic area (which I will not give to avoid outing). Sometimes someone says “passed away from liver disease” but no one mentions alcohol. In my case I quit drinking 3 years ago which was a big deal and a wonderful life changer for me and my family — and the thing that really triggered me to do it was watching this friend, essentially, die in front of my eyes then. I never told him that or discussed alcohol with him, but AIBU to wish that we could say out loud what killed him as part of our mourning of him? If he had cancer we wouldn’t hesitate. This was not his fault and it doesn’t make us love him less. But I know that I have a particular take on this because of my own journey - and I know it’s not about me.

I've found that when I have been open about it, 99% of the time I get the: 'But couldn't you have done anything to stop her?' question. I feel like people think we should have been able to 'save' her before she died.

I am so HORRIFIED anyone would say such a thoughtless, wicked, cruel thing to you Orchid. I never stop wondering if there was more I could have done, should have done, wishing so hard it physically hurts that I had called my mum the day she died. I'm sure you've had many of the same thoughts, even though we both know that there was probably no more we could have done. If anyone had said anything like that to me in the aftermath - hell, if they did now, nearly two months later - I would absolutely fall apart with grief and guilt. How can people be so stupid and so cruel?

So sorry about your mum.

I am sure other family and friends are aware that liver disease was caused by alcoholism, also a disease.

Congratulations for getting off it and I am glad you were strong enough to turn your life around, Your friend didn't find tbe strenght paid the ultimate price for his addiction. I do not think there's a need to spell it out people know the reasons he is gone.

Sorry for your loss

I think with your having your own issues with drink it is hitting you in adifferent ways aswell as all the usual grief.is there anyone you could talk to away from this.even a helpline or simply the gp.
grief is hard but it can also trigger things in you you might not have put to rest yet.and its ok to get a little updated support with that.
but it might not be what the family can handle right now.it doesn't mean they are ignoring it.it means they need to remember him without his illness.becasue that was something he had,not something he was

OP, I'm very sorry about your friend and I'm sure stopping drinking was very tough for you, but I think you're making this more about you and not him. You have to respect however the family deal with it.

maybe you could join the fight agasint it in other ways.by talking to others.or doing some work for an.or getting help from them.could that help

I think your post is beautiful and shows how passionately you feel about the way alcohol affected your friend, and how wonderful that you have broken free of its grip, that’s not an easy thing to do. I was married to an alcoholic for a while. I left, to protect our children. He tried to beat it, but couldn’t. I understand the harm it can do. It might be better for you to channel your sad loss into something positive in a little while, when the fragile first weeks of grieving have passed. Campaign, write, fund raise? For the family, and for you, this time is still too raw. The loss too much to deal with for now. I’ve no doubt they feel the same as you about the role alcohol played in this, but that will take time and counseling to come to terms with. I lost a dear loved one recently, it doesn’t matter how, what helped was a piece of wonderful advice. To recall 5 positive things about that person every night before you go to sleep. God bless.

I'm torn - because while I totally agree the lead should come from his family and what they say goes, I do also believe that this shouldn't be hidden away like a dirty little secret.

Alcoholism is still a disease, it's not a "life choice", and as such it should be given more exposure in terms of it BEING a disease and with possibly more information on what can happen as a result.

For anyone who has lost someone to alcoholism or any other addiction, then it is the height of insensitivity for anyone to have asked you if you couldn't have stopped it - of course you couldn't, it's a disease. Any more than you could have stopped them having cancer, or MS, or Crohn's disease.

for you because you've lost a friend - but yes, you must follow the family's lead for now.

Everyone will know anyway, it’s just respectfully unspoken.

I think just follow what his family have done, his parents, siblings, partner if he has one. What is on the death notice etc
If someone asks you "what liver disease was it?" answer alcohol but otherwise I wouldn't state it publicly anywhere (which includes facebook) if the family are not.

I went to a funeral of a friend who had died of a cancer that was related to his former heavy drinking. His son gave a very moving eulogy to a packed church and he talked about his father’s very many great qualities but also talked about his struggle with sobriety and the difficulties it had caused.

It was initially slightly suprising but also then everyone felt that the honesty made for a more genuine mourning - a feeling of relief and not tiptoeing around the truth so we we could remember our friend as he was, - complex, wonderful and infuriating, not a glossed up version.

It was, however, the family’s decision to do that - he had discussed it with his mother and close family and it was a beautifully composed oration. It is understandable that many people would not want to do that - it must be the family’s prerogative to set the tone for the funeral and how they choose to have their loved one publicly remembered. Most people who are close enough to come to a funeral are going to have some idea about it anyway..

Why not donate to an alcoholism charity or do something sponsored in his memory as a way of marking it for you? You don't need to shout it from the rooftops to acknowledge it a bit.

I had a similar situation where a friend committed suicide. The situation with her family had been messy and I had conflicted feelings about them. The funeral made no mention of how she died and was all about peace and light when I still felt stuck in the violence of how she died. It felt a bit farcical.

But you can't rub the family's noses in it, you've got to just deal with it in your own way, be respectful of them but not worry about the 'official' version of what happened to your friend. Your memories are as valid as theirs and you remember the full version.

It would be lovely if the family could be totally open but perhaps they just don’t feel able at this stage.

I know that my friend committed suicide despite the fact that her husband told everyone she died of a heart attack. I sit there with other friends occasionally and they’re still shocked at how a young, fit woman died of a sudden heart attack. I believe that her husband lies due to shame and guilt at the real reason for her death, but her children are still very young and I’ve assumed he also wishes to protect them from the truth. I don’t agree with it, but there we go.

OP having had various family members day by of diseases that are lifestyle related you need to leave it at least a year before you can say that the person died of liver disease due to drinking too much. At the moment it is clearly just to raw for everyone else close to him particularly family members to mention his alcohol problems.

My dad died of lung cancer, yes smoking killed him but how hurt would I be if one of my friends told everybody in a warning malicious way.

Keep your nose out, of their grief.

I lost a friend when we were in our early 30s due to alcoholism. Liver failure, everyone knew. It was mentioned at the time of death. But subsequently it has been lots as a reminder of looking out for each other. It was discussed with him when he was ill but he was on a one way path to destruction

I think you need to wait. Your feelings are valid, but his family might be in denial about his alcoholism at the moment.
My best friend died at 34 due to her drinking, her family were enabling, and I couldn’t stand the way they blamed everything and everyone but themselves, but all of her friends knew the truth, as you do. I am sorry for your loss.

Can pp please not assume that liver disease = youre an alcoholic? There are many causes of liver disease and many different types of liver disease including autoimmune. I'm not saying that OP should at this point be discussing his alcoholism, but saying that someone died of liver disease should not be code for "he was an alcoholic". May be true in this case but it is a stereotype that needs to be corrected.

You need to let the family lead on this.
My exH drank himself to death, ably assisted by those who bought him alcohol (his functioning alcoholic partner) and funded his lifestyle (his 'oh he's always been a bit silly with drink' parents). It comes down to respect for their loss. You are justifiably angry with your friend for essentially killing himself, but you need to let that go and respect the wishes of his family who are mourning him even more deeply than you.

And for those of you saying it is an illness, you are right, it is. But it is an illness which can be completely halted in the earliest stages if you accept you have an issue and stop at that stage. Alcoholism is not like heroin (or even nicotine) addiction. You get hooked by habit, not be chemical need in the first, second or even third instance. It isn't unreasonable to be angry with that person. It is unreasonable to take it out on their grieving relatives though.

I think you can talk about it, just give it time.

I’ve had two relatives die of things that wouldn’t have happened if they’d been healthier/not smoked and as time passes the more honest we all are about it. Now I even tell my dcs as a warning. But it took time to get here

I'm so sorry for your loss @fakingit36

My father passed away suddenly due to alcoholism - the coroner told us that his insides were literally pickled.

His battle with alcoholism and the consequences of his alcoholism - losing his wife and children, bankruptcy, losing home and business - were well documented and even covered by a local journalist.

During his funeral, there was no mention of alcohol however there was lexis used pointing to alcoholism ie struggles, hard times, battles etc but no explicit mention of substance abuse. My sister and I did not post anything on social media about alcohol and to my knowledge, neither did anyone else, although there was a lot of "hope you are now at peace" type wording, again alluding to his issues.

At the wake, we spoke freely about his alcoholism and it is something that my sister and I continue to talk about.

I love @cholka 's idea of donating to an alcoholism charity in his memory. I think lead by the family's example but fact of the matter is, he did die from this, it sounds like friends/family are aware of this, there is no need to shout from the rooftops but also no need to censor.

You need to give this time. It must all be very raw just now. His family/friends must understandably be very upset at this time that he has passed, not sure how important it is to mention to people why he died. Sorry for your loss.

No, you should not mention the alcoholism. People who knew him are well aware of the issue and if more remote people are not and it’s the family wish the new it’s up to them.

Anyone who knows him well would have been aware of his drinking so I think liver disease is as much detail as anyone needs. There is no need to spell it out to people.

I usually prefer a more direct approach to death, for example I hate the term "passed away" but I think in this case, they are being direct enough.

The cause of death was his liver failing, I don't think it requires any more information than that. You could go on for ever with explanations and expect them to explore the reasons he was drinking.

I relate to wanting to know what happened but I don't think the family has any responsibility to turn the death into a campaign.

The posts in here are really interesting.
You are right OP that people dint say that he died because of alcoholism in the same way that someone died of cancer.

That’s because cancer is seen as something you can’t do anything about whereas being an alcoholic is.
The equivalent of dying of alcohol disease is what a pp said ‘died of cancer caused my smoking 30 cigarettes a day since he was 12yo’. Basically it’s naking it their fault that they died....

I’m not sure I agree with this take. If it was that easy to stop drinking or smoking, even when you KNOW it’s going to kill you, then people would. When they don’t, then I wouod say that it was someone with a lot of issues (MH maybe?) that stopped them looking after themselves.

It will take a LOT before our society recognises that drinking/smoking or even taking drugs isn’t just an issue with will power. Until then, people been ill from any consequences if that will be, in some ways, vilified. And therefore, this will not be mentioned when they die.

Just one point to a PP.
Someone dying from liver disease is NOT always because of alcohol. I’ve know a couple of people, all quite young, who have had liver disease and been told and treated as in they were alcoholic and they only got what they deserved, which is extremely hurtful to them. To the point that one of them never mentions his illness (even though it’s chronic and very serious). All that because people, incl nurses at the liver clinic, just ASSUMED alcohol problem.
Maybe it’s time to stop making assumptions there too.