AIBU to want to be open about why friend died?

[Fakingit36]

Today a friend died, aged only mid 30s, of “complications of liver disease.” Basically, alcohol killed him. No one expected it to happen at this moment but everyone knew he was desperately ill, on and off, for the last couple of years. People politely didn’t mention it when he was alive and now, on social media (and this will go on for some time) people are rightly paying tribute to him and his particular talent and brilliance in a niche artistic area (which I will not give to avoid outing). Sometimes someone says “passed away from liver disease” but no one mentions alcohol. In my case I quit drinking 3 years ago which was a big deal and a wonderful life changer for me and my family — and the thing that really triggered me to do it was watching this friend, essentially, die in front of my eyes then. I never told him that or discussed alcohol with him, but AIBU to wish that we could say out loud what killed him as part of our mourning of him? If he had cancer we wouldn’t hesitate. This was not his fault and it doesn’t make us love him less. But I know that I have a particular take on this because of my own journey - and I know it’s not about me.

I just want to reiterate that liver disease is not just due to alcohol but can also be due to a fatty liver. Mine was heading that way until I lost weight (type 2 diabetes). I understand that fatty liver disease is on the increase but maybe that is a whole different thread. Also please do not think of saying anything at the funeral in the event that you would be asked to say something. Not the place not the time.

Yeah, so basically you want to virtue signal about how you stayed clean and he didn’t. Has it ever occurred to you that makes you a bit of a dickhead?

There’s nothing worse than a pious dry alcoholic.

I think you need to take the lead from the family as they need to grieve in the way that works for them. People know the truth but don’t always want to confront it.
I can completely understand your feelings though. I wanted to scream at everyone when my sister died. She killed herself after a long battle with depresseion but everyone kept going on about her ‘terrible accident’. But I now look back and see this is how people were dealing with it and as a family we are much more open about discussing it now.

Well done to you for your own recovery. Sending love to you.

My DH died last year , he was a alcoholic although never admitted it . I joined FB to let all our family and friends know he had died , I got inundated by people asking if it was alcohol related with in a few hours .
It was 6 months before a got the coroner's reports so I couldn't answer anybody as to his nature of death but so many. It was alcohol a rating I found it very upsetting and hurtful a lot of people said I should have been able to stop him from drinking.

I joined mumsnet and found a huge amount of impartial and supportive and friendly advice talk to people on here we will all help you where we can

LeahJack
There is absolutely no need for comments like this it doesn't do anybody any good

living with an alcoholic and yes OP should be very proud of that they have managed to kick the booze

Everyone knows (both from knowing him & the term 'liver disease' ) what he died of OP. Its not hiding it to not say alcoholism killed him, its blindingly obvious. Feelings are still raw at this point after any death so I think shouting from the rooftops alcoholic serves no useful purpose & just rubs salt into an open wound. Is it maybe you're angry because you feel people swept it under the carpet when he was alive? You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I don't know why people are still saying everyone knows what it means, when so many people have also spoken about people whose fatal liver diseases weren't linked to alcohol but were assumed to be, and people's whose were but no-one knew.

I don't have any advice but it's completely unhelpful to just lie! Read the bloody thread before trying to add to it!

NHS UK states 3 causes of liver disease: obesity, alcohol misuse & hepatitis. People who knew him surely knew about his alcohol issues & realise what liver disease is/it means in his case, alcohol misuse.

So many diseases are caused in part by lifestyle it just seems unecessary to bring up the part people may have played in their own death. My DSF for example died of diabetes related complications. He had been very fat and developed type 2 diabetes which changed to type 1 and eventually killed him. When we remember him we don’t say well it’s his own fault for eating the cakes. He was only 50 and although he caused his initial illness in part he never deserved to suffer and die in the way he did. People know why your friend died there is no need to put salt in to wounds.

Leave it a while then do a charity run etc on behalf of an alcohol misuse charity in his honour

My mum died of lung cancer. More than likely caused by smoking.

To this day I don't understand why, on hearing it was lung cancer, people immediately ask if she was a smoker.

Yes, she was. She knows, we all know....why hammer the message home?

I think it is up to his family to decide if or when they wish to disclose this information.

If you want to increase awareness, or help the cause, there are many other ways of doing so, a lot of great suggestions on this thread.

It really is a toughie, because where you see it as part of him, something that would have no doubt strengthened the bond between you and him, because you understood his battle, there will be many people who won’t want it known that it was alcohol that caused the liver damage, they’ll be concerned someone will use it in spite, exactly like how you hear people talk about people suffering with other addictions.

You knew him well enough to know what he was going through, take some comfort in the fact that you were a trusted friend and he may not have wanted the truth known.

Well done for your 3 years of sobriety, wishing you all the best. My dad reaches 15 years tomorrow without a drink. I think you’ve done amazingly well. X

My brother had liver disease leading to a successful liver transplant. He didn't drink but so many people said to us..l never knew he drank a lot. No this was caused by cancer of the bile duct. People need to be more sensitive.

CSIBlonde Ah the good old NHS. Except what they don't say is that many common drugs can cause liver disease, including the very common statins and blood pressure drugs. Also, being in a state of poorly controlled hypothyroidism can lead to non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. The usual signs of bright red palms are a giveaway. Pity more doctors are not alert to them. patients.gi.org/topics/medications-and-the-liver/

Op, I am very sorry for your loss and well done on your journey to sobriety. I do understand your feelings around being truthful and not glossing over things. I suppose it's just too raw a time to bring such things up, British as we are.

junebirthdaygirl my friend has terrible liver disease caused by bile duct stones right now, never drank in her life. It's shocking how many people automatically assume liver dysfunction is booze related, including medics I may add.

My uncle very sadly passed away and yes he was an alcoholic BUT there is a very very sad past prior to the alcoholism and so there may be the same in your friends case. For my uncle if there had been more understanding of pTSD and severe depression then being a carer to both parents who suffered repeated episodes of cancer and both nurses at home until their deaths - those are the things that he needed help with before the alcoholism took hold so please follow the families lead on this. I would be furious if I found out someone declared my uncles problems had all been due to the alcohol that would have completely minimised the trials in his life

And quite apart from the privacy of the illness, how many people die with dependency on benzos and other prescribed drugs that harm the liver? There is a pharmacological nightmare going on in many people's lives that, just because it's 'prescribed' doesn't detract from the fact it harms. I spent years nursing an aunt who was so doped up on Benzos, antidepressants and the rest I was amazed she lasted so long. Legalised drugging, fucked her liver but hey, it was prescribed by the good doctor. davidhealy.org/pharmaceutical-rape-is-not-a-metaphor/

What LeahJack said about staying clean reminded me a lot of Trinny Woodall - she's spoken of how she and 3 friends made a pact in their 20s that they would escape drink and drugs but she was the only one to survive. One other got clean but died of hiv related pneumonia.

FakingIt

I get where you are coming from, sort of. I think there is a stigma to certain illnesses and alcohlism seems to be one of them. It sometimes feels like there is an elephant in the room around addiction. No one wants to talk about it unless they are directly affected by it themselves. My own addiction is not alcohol but it is another one which may kill me, and it is visible on my body, so people assume it is greed, lifestyle choice etc but it is a disease and I go to 12 step meetings.

I wonder if it would help for you to be involved in raising awareness of alcohol addiction? There certainly is a need for it out there. Maybe like bipolar disorder used to be hushed up, but now there is more awareness and stigma is starting to reduce a little, the same needs to happen with alcohol?

Bravo on dealing with your own issues. You have done well and it is understandable you want to help others become more aware.

Itwaseverthus

I hear ya. A friend's mum died early of pancreatic issues. Never smoke nor drank to excess. Yet due to it being commonly linked with alcoholism, an association often gets made.

Look, you know what you know, probably so does everyone else. He's dead and it was probably self-inflicted but, unless you want to be a twat and hurt even more those who already hurting, what possible good can come from voicing it out loud? I know what killed my best friend, my stepmom, my brother and none of them died because of the cause of death written on the death certificates. Doesn't matter, me saying it out loud changes nothing.

You do you, OP, well done for beating the booze addiction but that doesn't mean you get to use someone else's alcohol related death as your opportunity to preach and issue a big 'I told you so - let him serve as a warning' because that in effect, is what you would be saying.

living with an alcoholic and yes OP should be very proud of that they have managed to kick the booze

Yes they should. But they can do that without gloating about the misfortune of others.

People are saying he died of liver disease because he died of liver disease. There are many contributing causes to liver disease, since some chronic alcoholics live well into their old age. Just as there are many contributing factors to alcoholism: nature, nurture, circumstance and happenstance. So why quibble.
If it were my friend, I'd want to celebrate their artistic success and what they did with their lives not tut over their boozing after their death.