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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my family laughing at me when they know I’m not coping

80 replies

Theonlywayisscotland · 03/08/2018 01:48

I have a 2 year old DS who hasn’t slept a full night since he was born. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. I’m dizzy and shaky with fatigue, my eyes are constantly itchy and dry where I just need more sleep, and I feel like a shell of my former self. I’m struggling to keep my shit together. DH helps where he can but he works long hours so ultimately DS is largely my responsibility for 90% of the time. I have no friends locally or anyone that can help relieve some of the stress.

My family (parents, 2 brothers, 1 sister, who all have older children themselves) find my current state highly amusing. If I visit them and try to get DS to take a nap while I’m there, they purposely make loud noises and speak loudly to wake him up. They laugh when I tell them I haven’t had a wink of sleep. They can see I’m struggling, but the harder it is for me the more it seems to entertain them and they act even worse. I’ve started to lie when they ask me how the baby is sleeping, and say he’s fine (when actually I’ve only slept for 1-2 hours) because any hint of difficulty and they start joking and laughing about it.

I feel so sad that I haven’t got family that love me enough to want to help me when they know I’m not coping. I’ve asked them to look after DS previously just for an hour or two so I can get some rest but no one will. He’s a lovely little boy, so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t want to, they just seem to have excuses or reasons why they aren’t able to help, and I can only presume it’s because they delight so much in seeing me miserable.

I’m seriously considering going low/no contact because being laughed at when I’m so exhausted is so awful. I don’t want to spend time with these people anymore.

Sorry, it’s not really an AIBU but I needed somewhere to vent because DS is awake again and I feel so low that I have no one to support me.

OP posts:
9amTrain · 03/08/2018 01:50

That's fucking horrendous. Why are they such disrespectful arseholes?

itsBritneyBeach · 03/08/2018 02:02

Definitely avoid contact where possible. This is absolutely horrible! In an ideal world they should be offering to watch your toddler whilst you have a nap!

Hope you get some decent sleep soonThanks

wowsertrousers · 03/08/2018 02:05

Sorry OP. No advice here, just much sympathy. I have a similarly shit-at-sleeping 18 month old. My first DC slept liked a total dream from really early on but DC2 just won't play ball so i totally feel your pain on the fatigue front. But my family don't mock me about my exhaustion and i think i would find it extremely hard to be around them if they ever did. What a crappy way to respond to a loved one who's struggling.

Littlechocola · 03/08/2018 02:15

Sad you’ve got a horrid family.
I would keep my distance from them, you don’t need people like that around you.
I had non sleepers, I sympathise.
Can you afford child care for a couple of hours a week? I used to use a child minder so that once a week I could sleep uninterrupted for 4 hours a day. I worried about my ability to look after myself and my children on so little sleep.

FeralBeryl · 03/08/2018 02:29

Thanks just re carried my 5 year old back to bed, my utmost sympathies OP, non of mine gave thought it useful to sleep all night.
Does he still nap in the day? Can you grab a power nap then?
Can we help with any tips obviously not from fucking me for bedtimes etc?
Oh and your family? Absolute twats.
I'd email them all letting them know that due to the fact that your physical and mental health is being badly affected, you won't be visiting anywhere where you feel wholly unsupported.
Fuckers

LlamaPyjamas · 03/08/2018 02:42

Your family are twats. Who purposely tries to wake a sleeping child?! And who laughs at someone who is physically ill! They should be supporting you not laughing at you. Tell them to eff off and don’t waste your time with them.

Queenofthestress · 03/08/2018 03:16

On a practical note, can you access the 15 hours free funding? Or get a childminder to watch him for few hours every other day or even one day a week so you can catch up on sleep?

Nancydrawn · 03/08/2018 03:38

I would stop seeing my family until they had grown the fuck up. If they said something, you can say "When I told you I was struggling, you mocked me and then tried to make the situation worse because you thought it was funny. It's not funny; I am genuinely in distress, and you don't care. I don't want to see you right now."

I echo the call for one day at the childminder a week so that you can sleep uninterrupted for six hours in a row. This is not a luxury; it is a necessity for your health. If this isn't something you can afford, perhaps you could try a childcare swap with a friend? Don't worry about keeping the house clean or using the time to run errands--that time is vital to keep you going.

PS: Fuck your family, seriously.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/08/2018 04:16

I think you need to stop seeing your family, they are horrendous. And you need to talk to your husband about him finding work that will allow him to provide better support at home. Because you can't keep on like this - it must be having a shocking impact on your health.

OrgyOfBarminess · 03/08/2018 04:21

Totally agree with everyone else!

You do not need people like that in your life, I'm so sorry that they think it's ok to kick you when your down. I found this happened with my own family so I went NC with my step mum who sat there smirking and making catty remarks when I'd ask for help and now my dad only rarely sees my son.

I'm expecting again and know I will not have support but I have great friends around me.

Do have the option of leaving them with a friend for an hour or two?

neverendingstoreeeeee · 03/08/2018 04:32

Why isn’t dh doing some of the nights for you? Your child is two. Long hours doesn’t equal seven days a week and all nights?
Dh should be stepping up for at least the nights he isn’t working the next day (in my opinion he should be doing more than that - he is a parent too).
Sleep deprivation is hell. What have you tried to get ds to improve sleep patterns? If he is only sleeping one or two hours a night, you need medical support. When does he sleep? Not sure when low-dose melatonin or similar can be used - I know it’s used for pre-schoolers in some cases, but you sound as though you need some HV or GP advice. One or two hours a night is ridiculous.
When is dh taking his holidays? Time for a week or two off and some serious sleep training.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/08/2018 04:34

What a nasty lot! I wouldn’t bother seeing them at all.

You do need support though - the child minder idea is an excellent one.

Redteapot67 · 03/08/2018 04:34

They sound awful
Def go low contact/no contact as suits you
I would recommend just co sleeping tbh

BlueBug45 · 03/08/2018 04:37

OP have you tried joining any mother and baby/toddler groups in your area? Lots of parents get mutual support including taking turns with another parent to look after both their children.

Nancydrawn · 03/08/2018 05:04

Sorry--I didn't read carefully re: friends. But yy to toddler groups. Looking after someone else's kid must seem unbearable, but think of the break you'll get in return!

SilverPartyShoes · 03/08/2018 05:06

Family sound awful, at the moment, but hopefully they will all grow out of this, avoid them until you get some rest.
You need help tackling the sleep issue with child, but you will be too exhausted.

Is diet a problem? Porridge with banana for supper for little one? Are they hungry in the night? No sweets or sugary food/ drink.
I only say this as I was astonished by the amount of chocolate people were letting their toddlers have before, friends of mine, who complained their children wouldn’t sleep.

. Live natural yoghurt with pieces of fruit in, or purée in, instead of sweetened desserts or yoghurt.
Things like turkey spaghetti for tea ! Marmite toast and poached egg for dipping? Foods that might help with sleep ..

SilverPartyShoes · 03/08/2018 05:10

Another friend took her toddler out of his cot into a bed, and he just got out all the time, then she decided to put him back in his cot, where he slept like a log, and got a bed at aged 3 instead.
Another uses a sleep clock..shows when he can get out of bed

PrimeraVez · 03/08/2018 05:30

I’m so sorry you have such a horrible family. In addition to what everyone else has said, would you consider seeing your GP for a health check for you? It’s just that as I read your post, it really resonated with my experience of an under active thyroid which was diagnosed after the birth of DS1.

user1471462428 · 03/08/2018 05:44

Silverparty is right about diet. I’d also echo that but also ask about exercise? I found 2 year olds can and should be walking 2-3 miles a day. I had to train my daughter up to it and break it up into 0.5 miles across the day. Soft play is also great as you get to sit down!! You do sound as if you are headed towards a health crisis, would you consider night time sedation and your husband taking over for 24 hours

BunnyBath · 03/08/2018 05:45

That's awful. Sleep train, now. It will change your life.

Redteapot67 · 03/08/2018 05:46

And her relationship with her child!
I’d try co sleeping first op as he sounds really bonded with you - it would be a shame to lessen that

redcaryellowcar · 03/08/2018 05:52

Firstly yanbu your family are being cruel. In the same circumstances I would distance myself from them.

On a practical note, there is a lovely book I found very helpful, but also gentle (needed when you are as tired as you are and I was) called the no cry sleep solution by Elizabeth Pantley, it's not prescriptive but give suggestions on things you can do to improve sleep, and you pick and choose things that will work for you.
Do hope things improve for you soon.

SnowOnTheSeine · 03/08/2018 05:53

I totally sympathize I've had 2 horrendous sleepers (the 7 year old still wakes every night with nightmares !). But my parents were supportive. My mum still lovingly teases me that for years whenever they offered to babysit so DH and I could go out, we'd ask for an afternoon babysit instead so we could have a nap!

At 2 years is when I totally cracked with DS1. DH moved into his single bed and I co slept with DS1 for about 8 months (and then DS2 was born and we had to shuffle again). Is that a possibility ?

SnowOnTheSeine · 03/08/2018 05:56

Also, do you know why he is waking ? DS1 had severe reflux and until we had that under control his sleep didn't improve. Also discovered at age 4 that he was lactose intolerant.... cutting that out made a MASSIVE difference

ExCharlieBucket · 03/08/2018 05:57

Ok I’ve been in your shoes OP
It’s horrendous

I felt like I was heading for a breakdown

I was impatient and ratty and couldn’t feel the joy at all of having a child.

Knowing what I know now with other kids, I wish I’d co slept, have you tried that?

Also have you tried playing classical music to get him back to sleep? That worked a bit for us

But mainly I totally neglected myself and in hindsight if I’d got on antidepressants would have found it easier to cope.

My son didn’t sleep a night til he was nearly three.

I’m twrma of a rest can you afford to go and stay somewhere for a weekend and let somebody else take care of
Him? Does your partner help?