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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to hate my family laughing at me when they know I’m not coping

80 replies

Theonlywayisscotland · 03/08/2018 01:48

I have a 2 year old DS who hasn’t slept a full night since he was born. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. I’m dizzy and shaky with fatigue, my eyes are constantly itchy and dry where I just need more sleep, and I feel like a shell of my former self. I’m struggling to keep my shit together. DH helps where he can but he works long hours so ultimately DS is largely my responsibility for 90% of the time. I have no friends locally or anyone that can help relieve some of the stress.

My family (parents, 2 brothers, 1 sister, who all have older children themselves) find my current state highly amusing. If I visit them and try to get DS to take a nap while I’m there, they purposely make loud noises and speak loudly to wake him up. They laugh when I tell them I haven’t had a wink of sleep. They can see I’m struggling, but the harder it is for me the more it seems to entertain them and they act even worse. I’ve started to lie when they ask me how the baby is sleeping, and say he’s fine (when actually I’ve only slept for 1-2 hours) because any hint of difficulty and they start joking and laughing about it.

I feel so sad that I haven’t got family that love me enough to want to help me when they know I’m not coping. I’ve asked them to look after DS previously just for an hour or two so I can get some rest but no one will. He’s a lovely little boy, so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t want to, they just seem to have excuses or reasons why they aren’t able to help, and I can only presume it’s because they delight so much in seeing me miserable.

I’m seriously considering going low/no contact because being laughed at when I’m so exhausted is so awful. I don’t want to spend time with these people anymore.

Sorry, it’s not really an AIBU but I needed somewhere to vent because DS is awake again and I feel so low that I have no one to support me.

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 03/08/2018 05:58

Have you called them out on it? I think low contact maybe your only option here so sorry you’re going through this.

itchyknees · 03/08/2018 06:05

Might be worth having a chat with your GP about your symptoms...

tomhazard · 03/08/2018 06:19

You poor thing. You've got two problems here, one of which is easy to sort out.

your family. Go as low contact as you can and tell them why. How dare they treat you like crap and kick you when you're down. You don't need it.
your DS sleep. Consult a sleep trainer or a book and just do it. You need to for your sake and his. If co sleeping works then do that. Look after your mental and physical health in order to be the best mum you can.

Esspee · 03/08/2018 06:22

My first was 14 months when I finally had enough. I was still breastfeeding so of course that meant I had to do nights on my own. DH was told I couldn't take any more so he needed to help break the cycle. He took over nighttime settling and I stayed in bed with a pillow over my head. Within less than a week of not seeing mummy after dark the little darling started to sleep through. If I had only done that sooner.......

Okyep · 03/08/2018 06:25

They sound horrible. It's not funny at all and I can't imagine a scenario where it would be.

I also had a non-sleeper and I found the only way to make him sleep was to tire him out by taking him swimming. Maybe something you could consider?

FiftyYearsAfterBrexit · 03/08/2018 06:43

Re your family, I think you've been very restrained! I may have lost it at them if they'd been doing that at nap time! And laughing at my distress!! Avoid them for the moment at least.

Sleeping: my DS woke 5-8 times a night until he was 3.5. He wasn't screaming or visibly uncomfortable, he was just awake. And he wanted to drink. He did nap in the day, but I usually had things I had to run to do while I had two hands! He was high octane in the day when awake so no chance of getting anything done Indio he started daycare. What changed at 3.5 was we cut all dairy out (as advised by dr as eczema had started to appear). Within 3 days he slept a full night!! And he carried on sleeping nights. And he calmed down a lot in the day to a level that by the end of the week even staff in the day care who weren't in his group had noticed and were commenting. He had a dairy intolerance and there had been no way of telling.

Maybe useful info, maybe not but I'd had no idea it was possible without more obvious symptoms so hadn't occurred to me (or anybody else I spoke to about being exhausted).

Bizzylizzyloo · 03/08/2018 06:45

They sound awful, I would absolutely be reducing contact as much as possible. I'm so sorry for you.

Could you pay a childminder to come in for a couple of hours a couple of times a week to look after your DS or take him out and give you a chance to sleep? I know that wouldn't solve the problem but might give you a bit of a reprieve!

weekfour · 03/08/2018 06:45

I really feel for you. My kids sleep most of the time and it still feels hard sometimes.

Having kids has totally put a spot light on how I spend my time. I think it’s probably because I’ve got 3DC and it takes forever to get anywhere. I’ve had to drop contact with some people, just to get through it. We don’t go anywhere now unless it’s going to be good ‘value’ for time.

I know that a slightly different problem, but it’s my round about way of saying you don’t have to visit your family. You just say no. It’s not good value for time and it’s making you feel shit.

Once a month, I stay in our local hotel. I make it a Sunday night because it’s mega cheap (usually £45) and it’s quiet. I can’t sleep at home listening to DH wrestle with kids. Away from it all I can have a sauna, some room service and sleep like a log. I’m ready to take anything on for a week or so after that.

If your DH won’t or doesn’t want to accommodate something like that, then it’s not a problem with your family that’s upsetting you. It’s a DH problem.

PortSouth · 03/08/2018 06:49

When members of your family are sleep, make as much noise as you can and then laugh when they complain. It's the only way you'll get them to understand. Invite them over for a sleepover and then make it very hard for them to sleep.

LannieDuck · 03/08/2018 06:55

Is your DH doing none of it? Does he have weekends off? If so, he should be doing at least one of those morning wake-ups and giving you a lie-in.

In your LO isn't breast-fed, he should be doing a lot more overnights regardless of work - I was still doing nightly wake-ups when I went back to work after mat leave. It's possible to do both. Yes, you're tired (and I might allow an exception if e.g. your OH is a long-distance lorry driver?) but you just have to get on with it for a short while.

My OH never woke up overnight with me (much heavier sleeper, so by the time he woke up I was up anyway), but he always got up at 6am with the babies, and still does. So I've had every weekend lie-in since they were born. He needs to find a way to help.

EsmereldaPepperpot · 03/08/2018 07:01

Anything or anyone who isn't supporting you needs to be out of your life for the moment until you get some sleep. Can DH do one weekend night for you at least? Speak to the health visitor about sleep training options? The health visitor team often have a sleep specialist. I'd focus on sorting the sleep issue rather than the arseholes in your family.

CarrotandSwede · 03/08/2018 07:05

Is he only sleeping 1-2 hours at night or at a time? If it’s per night you really need to see the GP. Your family are being massively unreasonable.

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 07:05

"dizzy and shaking with fatigue" does sound excessive - are you sure tiredness is all that s wrong here? Have you seen your GP? I notice you say you put you LO down for naps still, so it doesn't sound like he isn't sleeping much, if he is still sleeping during the day. Have you tried dropping daytime naps to see if he sleeps longer at night?

Longtalljosie · 03/08/2018 07:15

If she’s getting 1-2 hours sleep a night then dizzy and shaking is completely normal. I had that on 3-4 hours long term with DD2.

Despite your DH’s long hours, he needs to take your DS out for six hours straight on one of his days off so you can sleep. How about your in laws - could they have him for an afternoon a week? I think either sleep training or co-sleeping are the way forward long term - which one you go for depends on your parenting style.

Your family are nasty to you and I suspect this hasn’t just started with this crisis of yours. Just stop going round. If they ask why, tell them.

Juells · 03/08/2018 07:17

My eldest would never sleep until I went to stay with my mother and she told me to lie on my back with the baby on my chest. Before that I'd had the baby in a cot by the bed.

rookiemere · 03/08/2018 07:20

Dizziness and fatigue are perfectly normal symptoms from lack of sleep.

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 07:23

Dizziness and fatigue are perfectly normal symptoms from lack of sleep.

normal for the first 4 months!

but this is a two year old who still has day time naps

Peakypush · 03/08/2018 07:36

OH OP you have my sympathies! DD1 slept like a dream but DD2 has been a nightmare... she just slept through for the first time last night and I've woken up ridiculously excited. I've been going around like a zombie and know exactly what you you mean about the dizziness etc. I went to my GP convinced I was seriously ill but it nope it's just chronic sleep deprivation, it's torturous. I remember the first time my eyes started to feel gritty and I was going around like a loon asking everyone "Is there something in my eye? I can feel something. Have a look, there's definitely something in my eye!"

The physical impact of a sleep deficit is substantial. I get regular migraines (hell on earth), dizzy and blurred vision daily, I've gained all the baby weight I had lost, my skin is horrendous, my muscles ache, I've deep dark rings under my eyes that I never had in my life - I saw a photograph of myself at a party last month and I was honestly shocked at how aged I look since DD2 (and I was dressed up with makeup on!)

Can you tell us your routine with DS and his current sleep habits and perhaps we can give some suggestions to try? It's not fair that you should have to suffer alone like this. Ignore your family for now and put all your focus on getting DS to sleep (although I'm sure you've tried everything at this stage!)

SinkGirl · 03/08/2018 07:39

They’re also normal for a parent of a two year old if that two year isn’t sleeping properly!

OP, are you getting any support from anyone for your son’s sleep, and for yours? One of my twins had enlarged adenoids and it caused him real sleep problems, there can be things that can be addressed.

As for your family, I wouldnt see them and I’d be telling them why.

My DH works full time too, but he always helped at night when the twins didn’t sleep well (fortunately their sleep improved around 16 months).

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 07:45

They’re also normal for a parent of a two year old if that two year isn’t sleeping properly!

but this 2 year old clearly is sleeping, as the OP mentions he has day time naps awswell, and he sleeps a few hours at night.

He just maybe needs to sleep all his hours in one go, rather than space them out around the clock, but he is sleeping.

How many hours is he sleeping out of every 24? OP?

SugarIsAmazing · 03/08/2018 07:50

You need to start a very strict bed time routine of dinner, bath and bed for Xo'clock. Then he gets two visits from Mummy and after that tough.

pictish · 03/08/2018 07:50

Well this is a weird one. I can’t imagine why they would behave like this. Are they generally a clan of wind up merchants who simply refuse to accept they are being cruel because it’s ‘just a joke’?

MsSquiz · 03/08/2018 07:53

Don't visit them. And when they ask, tell them why.
You wouldn't continue to go to friend's house if they belittled you or made a bad situation worse for you, so why continue to visit your family?

rubyjude · 03/08/2018 07:53

As a mother of a child who didn't sleep through a single night until he was almost 4, and who I also had 90% responsibility for, I absolutely sympathise. My own mother too used to make fun of me for a lot of stuff - for example, I'd be so exhausted I'd literally walk into walls, drop things all the time, I would start to hallucinate every day around 1pm onwards and would think windows were opening into my face, or that shadows would suddenly turn into solid people and were leaping suddenly towards me and I'd start back with a jump. She thought it was hilarious, and would say how I'd always been a clumsy person, how I was probably going to forget the baby somewhere one day "because that's just like you" etc. She couldn't help at night because she is a drinker, and couldn't go one night without drinking a bottle of wine so I couldn't trust her to get the first few wakeups for me. My MIL was worse than that. The lack of sleep for YEARS was literally utter torture. Being made fun of for it on top of that made me cry deep sobbing tears. It's so much better now, but I haven't forgotten being made fun of. I promise you, it WILL get better, but I also know how frustrating it is when people say that when there's no end in sight. I'm sorry there's no one around to help you

cakecakecheese · 03/08/2018 07:54

They're not your family, they're people you're related to. True family help out and are there when you need them. I'm appalled at their behaviour, laughing and waking your child up? Horrible.

Are your in-laws any better?

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