AIBU to hate my family laughing at me when they know I’m not coping

[Theonlywayisscotland]

I have a 2 year old DS who hasn’t slept a full night since he was born. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. I’m dizzy and shaky with fatigue, my eyes are constantly itchy and dry where I just need more sleep, and I feel like a shell of my former self. I’m struggling to keep my shit together. DH helps where he can but he works long hours so ultimately DS is largely my responsibility for 90% of the time. I have no friends locally or anyone that can help relieve some of the stress.

My family (parents, 2 brothers, 1 sister, who all have older children themselves) find my current state highly amusing. If I visit them and try to get DS to take a nap while I’m there, they purposely make loud noises and speak loudly to wake him up. They laugh when I tell them I haven’t had a wink of sleep. They can see I’m struggling, but the harder it is for me the more it seems to entertain them and they act even worse. I’ve started to lie when they ask me how the baby is sleeping, and say he’s fine (when actually I’ve only slept for 1-2 hours) because any hint of difficulty and they start joking and laughing about it.

I feel so sad that I haven’t got family that love me enough to want to help me when they know I’m not coping. I’ve asked them to look after DS previously just for an hour or two so I can get some rest but no one will. He’s a lovely little boy, so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t want to, they just seem to have excuses or reasons why they aren’t able to help, and I can only presume it’s because they delight so much in seeing me miserable.

I’m seriously considering going low/no contact because being laughed at when I’m so exhausted is so awful. I don’t want to spend time with these people anymore.

Sorry, it’s not really an AIBU but I needed somewhere to vent because DS is awake again and I feel so low that I have no one to support me.

I remember the dizziness and shaking. Lack of sleep is truly awful. They use sleep deprivation as a means of torture.

I would go lc with your family. They're making your situation worse.

Post in sleep for ideas on how to help your DS sleep. This isn't a great way to live. I have been where you are, and I promise, you come out the other side.

Thank you for your replies. I am seeing my HV regarding his sleeping. We’ve tried everything, even co sleeping doesn’t help. DH does do the nighttime’s when he’s not at work but I still don’t sleep when DS is awake. DS still needs at least one daytime nap I’ve tried stopping them but he still doesn’t sleep at night so at least when he does sleep during the day I can try to sleep for an hour here and there.

I have a friend who lives north that has her family visit once a month and they help her with the baby all weekend. I feel jealous that she has that support without even asking and sad that my family make it so hard for me. Im trying to put those feelings aside but it’s hard.

My in laws live up north and don’t appear to be very interested in our son, so there’s no help available there

I would say that any changes you try, you have to try consistently for a few days. Just once won't necessarily make any impact.

Sorry your family have let you down.

But your DH has let you down more. “DH helps where he can but he works long hours so ultimately DS is largely my responsibility”.

No. Your H is a parent too and parenting is as much his responsibility. You’ve gone down a dark road because he hasn’t done his fair share, and you’ve done way too much.

given that you’re so exhausted and unwell should be doing at least 50% of parenting at night.

He could have both parented at night and performed his job, unless he operates dangerous machinery or is a brain surgeon or something - and if he’s the latter he could have paid for some childcare to help.

Your family are awful. At first I thought you had a new born but for them to still be like this after two years! I really feel for you. Can you afford a childminder?

Do you think showing them your post would help to jolt them into realising them how utterly awful they are being?
In your shoes I would stop seeing the family. I really would. Its a hard thing to do, but really, what are you getting out of having contact with them?

I can’t bear the attitude that fathers’ sleep must be provided, when they do ordinary, paid WoH, eg office work.

Mother’s health and safety is just as if not more important - and affects the safety of DC too.

I had several accidents and near misses with DC1 due to sleep deprivation. DH hadn’t been doing his fair share of night and early morning parenting.

OP’s family are unhelpful, for sure, but she and DH are the parents - the responsibility for how OP is is theirs because their split of work is unfair.

What is your financial situation? If affordable hire a babysitter for a week and sleep as often as you can.

Also, whilst your husband may be working, you are on you knees - he needs to share the night working or not - this is not a realistically sustainable situation.

My son was similar although doesn’t sound so bad - he didn’t sleep through for over 3 years but my DH and family were supportive, kind, and helped me but keeping the baby and giving me time to recharge.

I would seriously stop seeing them - they’re utterly awful.

I’d say at two he’s perfectly old enough to be taught very quickly that the night is for sleeping. It’s a hard few days and might be better if your husband does it whilst you go and stay with someone but he needs to learn to stay in his bed. Time for a firm approach for all your health.

Make sure he’s getting enough exercise during the day.
Avoid TV and screens after about 6pm.
Set a consistent, calming bed time routine.
Take to bed. Read a story. Darken room with blackout curtains.
Then say goodnight and put on nice calming lullaby tape and leave the room.
Do not go back and offer loo trips, drinks, pats. discussion. Do not check on him.
He’ll cry and most likely have a tantrum. Ignore it. He’ll survive and learn.
If he ventures out, take him straight back with a very firm “It’s bedtime”.nothing more.
It takes about 3/4 nights of consistency for the effect to be seen. Then it’s miraculous.

Your family are fcking a*holes and don’t deserve the title of ‘family’.From early on my DM would watch my baby so I could sleep, bringing him to me to be bf/ or feeding her a bottle when needed. Or watching my toddler DS and baby DD, so I could sleep. My very tall and broad shouldered DB (many would say scary looking but he is just my little brother to me), was like a guardian angel to me, taking over all night feeds for dd for two weeks, when she was tiny and dh had to work away. He also came out to stay and look after my two toddlers, sending me back to bed for an hour, when our DF was in hospital having had a massive heart attack and my DM who normally came out to help/ stay when my dh worked away was obviously by my DF’s side.

I do have a medical condition that means I tire easily and need to pace myself, (or risk a bad relapse) however I know my DM and DB would have still helped out, they love my kids and me and enjoyed helping out!

I just couldn’t be around anyone who impacted on my mental health like that! You deserve so much better OP! Are you in Scotland or England OP? I am Scottish and know in Scotland, depending on income/ situation, there are free nursery hours provided for 2 year olds.

Have you heard of Homestart? After my DF’s heart attack, DM could no longer help out and I really struggled, I ended up self referring to homestart. I was quickly provided with a volunteer who came out to the house for two hours per week. I honestly was so grateful for the support.

Alternatively, have you spoken to your HV about how tough you are finding things? They may be able to support you through funding nursery hours

I agree regarding co-sleeping, I bought two bedguards for each side of my king size bed and took both of my little ones in with me. Neither of my children slept well without me, yet in with me they slept like a dream. Sometimes you do what you have to do, just to get through! I brought them into my bed for naps too. So we would nap together.

How are your dh’s family? Would they help at all? Could your finances allow you to stretch to funding a couple of hours at nursery/ childminder so you can sleep?

Thank you for your replies. I am seeing my HV regarding his sleeping. We’ve tried everything, even co sleeping doesn’t help. DH does do the nighttime’s when he’s not at work but I still don’t sleep when DS is awake. DS still needs at least one daytime nap I’ve tried stopping them but he still doesn’t sleep at night so at least when he does sleep during the day I can try to sleep for an hour here and there.

I have a friend who lives north that has her family visit once a month and they help her with the baby all weekend. I feel jealous that she has that support without even asking and sad that my family make it so hard for me. Im trying to put those feelings aside but it’s hard.

Are you me?? Seriously though, my son was exactly the same. He just never. wanted. to. sleep. Ever. It was torture. Nothing wrong with him at all, he was just a high needs baby that would be up at 4am every morning (4.30am if I was lucky), after a night of waking often. You could take that kid to the park, he could run for hours. You could have white noise/black out blinds/food before bed/etc etc etc, and NOTHING worked. People would give well intentioned but annoying "I just do xyz and mine sleeps right through", as if that would help, but no one understood that he was just a kid that didn't want to sleep. Even now, he still wakes for the day at 5.20am, sometimes wakes in the night etc.

My SIL also had/has our MIL to help her out whenever she wants. She goes out for nights out regularly, gets a baby sitter for free whenever she wants it, could just ring her up and say can you have the baby, I want to sleep, and she'd have it done. I was envious, definitely. It was hard to have to see, when I was struggling so much.

Oh @Theonlywayisscotland, I feel your pain although I promise mine did get better eventually. With the help of medication for him! He would be up 30+ times a night.

Do you keep a sleep diary for your son - it would be worth it to see if there is a pattern.

Anyway, your families are bastards of the highest order and I really would avoid them until you are strong enough to tackle it.

Nicely, you need to let your dh take on the night duties. It's not doing you any favours staying awake just because ds is, even if your dh is there.

If funds allow, book yourself into a cheap room for a night or two and don't take your phone! If not, get dh to take ds out during the day and just go to bed. This lack of sleep is not sustainable as you know and will lead to illness.

Is there a cheap hotel or similar near you? Leave DS with DH and go sleep 14 hours once a week.

Your family sound awful, i’d stop visiting. You really don’t need that on top of everything else.

I’m so sad to read you are feeling so ragged and exhausted. I hope there are times when you’re rested where you feel brighter. It’s a shame your family aren’t supportive, some families are, some just aren’t sadly. Maybe they are blind and think you’re managing well enough and they have got too involved with their own lives. Maybe they’re fed up with childcare themselves? Perhaps if you set the better example by offering to look after their children? Or spend time with them? They might reciprocate? I wish you were part of my family, I’d help! I have a few GK’s now, but always room for one more.
I’m sure you’ve tried the milk and cookies at bedtime (don’t worry about the teeth for a few days, they’ll survive, and your health is more important right now) and quiet bedtime routines as advised above. But most importantly for a few days or weeks until this settles, you have to sleep when he sleeps. Cat naps, short stints, early, early nights. It won’t stay the same, it will get better. I had the same, I learned to enjoy the peace in middle of the night, just us two with our cuddle and quiet. No eye contact, no chat, no toys and no play, no lights on. Just boring quiet, a drink, maybe a snack. He’ll soon get fed up and realize sleep is the best thing when there’s not much going on! Good luck, wish you well. Oh, and I would write to your family. Tell them how you feel, be honest. Avoid accusations (they’ll just get defensive) just express your terrible feelings of tiredness. If they’re still heartless after that, then take a break, but do tell them truly why.

Hmm...they sound horrendous..but just a thought-how were you with your siblings when their DC were in the non sleeping phase?? Were you helpful and nice and understanding?

I only ask as I'm just on the other side with my DS who like yours has not slept for almost 2years..My child free siblings were very very judgmental about it..and not helpful...somehow it must have been my fault.

Well my sister has a newborn now...and it is amusing to watch her struggle remembering how judgmental and not helpful she was...and how she would hear no advice as her baby would be different as she would parent right..lol

So it's amusing..but I do help and take the baby whenever I can so she can sleep..

My DB wife is expecting now too..so yeah..it will be very very amusing if they get a non sleeper.

Your DH needs to do more. This doesn't sound safe for either you or DS.
Go NC with your excuse for a family. Better of without that crap.

Speak to your health visitor, they will be able to help you with tips and ideas to try.
Sounds like a pattern needs breaking which might be hard but worth it. Also this heat won't be helping
Sleep deprivation is so hard. Can hubby help at weekend? 1 night he takes over and you get a lie in?
Your family don't seem to understand so maybe keep a bit a distance while you work through this xx

What an awful family! My eldest didn’t sleep until she turned three. Those years sent me suicidal and depressed.
It will get better OP but I understand just how draining it is. Please take things as easy as you can, only do what is necessary around the house and the rest of the time try to Have some quiet time with your little one.

Tell you DH you need a break and he's on duty this weekend. Go out for lunch on your own on Saturday, book into a premier inn and sleep till Sunday!

Ps my eldest was an awful sleeper - like the worst. She started sleeping better at 3 and now at 4 will sleep most the night normally but we have to wake her for the loo at 10/11pm. It gets better - honestly.

Theonlywayisscotland, it really sounds like you got bigger problems than your DS's sleep. Your family are awful. Why do you keep visiting them then? Why can't you just bark at them and tell them to wind their necks in?

Why are you awake in the night when your DH takes care of your son? Do you sleep in the same room with no earplugs? Does you DH wake you up when he can't get the child down? Plug your ears and sleep, bed in a different room and tell your DH not to touch you for 8 solid hours even if the sky falls in and North Korea bombs us.

WFT is with your DH "working long hours" and therefore not being able to help much? You do realise that many-many women work long hours and have non-sleeping children? What do you think they do? Why is it completely normal for a woman do work in the day and do night childcare, but a man is such a feeble creature that he will melt, poor snowflake? And what the hell do you do all day? Do you not do work? I presume you don't lie on the couch all day watching Jeremy Kyle otherwise you would not be quite so sleep deprived. Tell your DH in no uncertain terms that he needs to do half the nights. What kind of man would watch his wife fall apart with exhaustion and not do anything? Is this the kind of man you want to be with?

DH has a health condition which makes it difficult and painful for him to do his job, but he works his full time contracted hours plus over 12 hours a week overtime so we can afford for me to be a SAHM. I don’t think him doing 50% of the childcare is reasonable in this situation. He does a good share of it, and takes DS out for the day when he can see I’m exhausted and need a rest, but that’s only one day out of many and as soon as DS has a bad night I’m back to feeling shattered again. It’s just relentless. And having my “family” laugh at me makes it a million times more difficult. If I had a daughter and could see her struggling with a baby like I am, I would absolutely step in to help wherever it was necessary to alleviate some pressure. It saddens me that my own DM/DF don’t feel that way about me.

I faced a very minor version of this when DS was very young. My tiredness made me forget words - they genuinely fell out of my head. All the joking in my family is done around word play, and it's sharp, so I was at a decided disadvantage. My dad - who is actually a superstar - was the worst. "Dishwasher, how can you put clothes in the dishwasher." Etc if I meant washing machine. And he would go on for 15mins and I couldn't give it back like I usually would. I felt attacked and helpless through the tiredness - but he wasn't doing anything more or less than he's done for decades.

In the end I snapped at him and he stopped. I think Mum probably had a word too. It's been 30 odd years since he had a non sleeping baby and I think he's forgotten how rough it was. (And I was a bad sleeper til I was four.)

I also think people joke about it because sleep deprecation is so horrific, no one really wants to address it. Also, after 2 years, they might be wondering why you haven't done anything about it? (Not that you always can, I'm fully aware.) It's hard to keep giving sympathy about the same thing for years on end though.

If your family have always been amazing til this point, then no contact is silly. Talk to them, make them realise how you feel, and know it won't last forever. If they've always been arseholes, then that's a different story. Only you know which is the case.

If he has a long term condition and his job and working hours currently causes pain, then your WoH/SAH setup doesn’t sound sensible or sustainable. Both of you WoH may be better.

I’m not saying he should do 50%, but him doing little or zero night or early morning parenting seems to have been detrimental to YOUR wellbeing and health.

Your extended family are unhelpful, and you’re the parents, so it’s down to you both: him as well as you.