Aibu not wanting ex's girlfriend staying while my son is?

[StrugglingMumma]

Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreadable.

My son is 14 yrs old and is due to stay at his dads house for the week while I go on holiday with my DH & DD. (He's not being left out, he had a choice and choose an expensive skiing trip with school instead of coming in family holiday)

This has been booked for over a year now and due to fly out in 4 weeks time.

His dad has been seeing someone who lives literally hundreds of miles away, she's nice but aibu unreasonable to not want her to stay there while he's meant to be having quality time with his son? My son wasn't overly keen when I told him that she would be staying. My ex had agreed to this and had apparently told her not to come. However, I found out tonight that she is still coming because he's losing half his annual leave due to starting a new job. I doubt I would have been told this until I was already away if he hadn't dropped himself in it.

Bit of background: been separated since son was a year old, contact was great until his mum died three year ago (pretty rubbish considering he literally lives 5mins round the corner from us) He does pay minimum maintenance apart from when he was out of work for 2 years. Doesn't take any interest in school etc. I think it was his Mum who kept the contact going more than him. He probably sees my son maybe once a month if that.

tbh, I think as you've been separated for 13 years, its really none of your fucking business any more.

Unfortunately during his contact you don't get a day. It may be a nice opportunity for them to spend some time together

Why do you mind?

Not your business .A 14 year old staying for a week... how much time will he want on his phone or games console.?..they not going to be bonding 24/7. You said she nice so what s the issue?

Yabu. While to you it may seem frustrating that your ex should be spending time with your ds you cannot control who else he spends time with when your ds is there. They can still have loads of time together if he is there for a week. I have a 14 year old dd and cannot imagine her wanting to spend a whole week doing nothing but spend time with her dad and she sees him once a month if she’s lucky. She’s a teenager she will still want to chat to her friends and as your ex lives so close your ds might want to go off and do things with his own friends rather than spend the whole time holed up with his dad.
I’m sure you’d feel pretty put out if your ex tried to dictate who you could spend time with when your dc are with you the same goes both ways you have no real say unless you believe your ds is at some sort of risk.

YABU by demanding ex's girlfriend doesn't stay (unless there's some specific reason she can't be around your DS). Having said that he should have be upfront from the start.

Thanks for your replies. The only reason I didn't really want her to stay was because my son really wasn't keen when he found out she was staying too. He was looking forward to spending some quality time with just his dad.

Not your business I'm afraid.

I’d just let him come on the family holiday with you.

And unfortunately, his Dad is with this woman now so your son has to accept it - this is tricky when you're a teenager with stepparents, but you have to accept they are going to be there.

I would say at 14 . Let him see what his dad is like . He may make more effort for gf benefit or less or be his normal self. At 14 I would let him see this

@Stinkbomb I would hardly call her a step parent especially when they only see each other 3/4 times a year.

Wow yabu. I bet you wouldnt like it if you met someone and your ex didnt want him staying over!

@Starlight345 He has seen what his dads like with him when she's around. Broken plans because she's around etc.

You don't 'own' your son and you certainly don't own your ex. My husbands ex tried to dictate to us and said if the kids were staying over I had to stay elsewhere. From a house I paid rent for. She was soon told to do one in no uncertain terms.

YANBU for not wanting her to stay, but YABU if you try to do anything about it.

Your DS may not like it, but this is about him and his relationship with his father, or, more to the point, about the relationship he wishes he had with his father but doesn't actually have. You concentrate on your relationship with your DS. If your ex is a pratt, then their relationship won't be great, and there is NOTHING you can do about it.

@SlideAway82 Please tell me exactly where I said I "own" my son!

Why does it need to be ‘quality’ time?

It's very telling that you refer to DS as "My Son" and not "Our Son"

Besides, he's 14, he's a teen, he wont be happy whatever happens keep neb out and leave them to it.

I think if your son wants some one on one time with his dad he needs to speak up and say something not you as he is a teenager

YABU I can see why you are a bit annoyed but pp are right when they say it actually has nothing to do with you and theres nothing you can do about it (or should do about it)

Sorry ... you have no say in this at all ... especially when you stated clearly it was your DS choice for not going on the family holiday... can't help but feel it's double standards. DS isn't going on holiday because he went ski trip with school... which I'm pretty sure you ex maintenance paid half of the trip anyhow ...

If you have such an issue then you should take your DS on holiday too.

I have always called him my son because that's exactly what he is. It's nothing to do with owning him.

I have previously spoken to him about speaking up for himself about what type of relationship he wants with his dad, but he's the sky awkward type. I think with me having him do young at 17yrs old, he's also very young for his age compared to some of his friends.

I accept I'm being unreasonable but I only wanted this because it was what my son wanted. It would be a completely different story if they were actually together more and she lived closer or they lived together. I'm glad he has met someone who seems genuinely nice unlike the others.

Thanks everyone.

It's very telling that you refer to DS as "My Son" and not "Our Son

No. It’s really not. The OP has never really parented with her ex. There is no joint memory making, no shared family experiences. In addition, contact appears less than frequent and as a father he has shown little interest in education so again, something important which hasn’t been shared. It would be very hard to think of him as ‘our son’ in those circumstances. And besides, he is equally ‘my son’ in as much as he is ‘our son’, isn’t he?

OP, the step mum’s are out in force and I’m sorry you’ve had such a forceful response. At 14, however, he needs to express his concerns in his own words to his dad. Realistically, how bothered will he be? My 14 year old is rarely with us even when he’s with us - phones, Xbox, social media....,

Presumably your son spends time at home with you and your DH, so no exclusivity. Why should the situation be changed when he is at his fathers?