Aibu not wanting ex's girlfriend staying while my son is?

[StrugglingMumma]

Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreadable.

My son is 14 yrs old and is due to stay at his dads house for the week while I go on holiday with my DH & DD. (He's not being left out, he had a choice and choose an expensive skiing trip with school instead of coming in family holiday)

This has been booked for over a year now and due to fly out in 4 weeks time.

His dad has been seeing someone who lives literally hundreds of miles away, she's nice but aibu unreasonable to not want her to stay there while he's meant to be having quality time with his son? My son wasn't overly keen when I told him that she would be staying. My ex had agreed to this and had apparently told her not to come. However, I found out tonight that she is still coming because he's losing half his annual leave due to starting a new job. I doubt I would have been told this until I was already away if he hadn't dropped himself in it.

Bit of background: been separated since son was a year old, contact was great until his mum died three year ago (pretty rubbish considering he literally lives 5mins round the corner from us) He does pay minimum maintenance apart from when he was out of work for 2 years. Doesn't take any interest in school etc. I think it was his Mum who kept the contact going more than him. He probably sees my son maybe once a month if that.

Can you not include him on your holiday?

I’m a bit surprised how much flack you’re getting with this; as far as I can see you aren’t saying that you won’t be letting your son go youre just expressing a wish for the little time your DSs dad has with his son to be quality time and not with someone your DS barely knows. I’d feel the same; unless your DS speaks to his dad I can’t see that you can do much but I feel sad for your DS that his dad hasn’t at least said for his girlfriend to come half the time. I say that as a step parent who purposefully makes sure that DD gets time to herself with her dad.
I also think the holiday arrangement is fair enough; people don’t have endless money and I remember making a similar decision as a teenager when I was desperate to go on a school trip with my friends and really not fussed about a sight seeing trip round the French countryside.

Unfortunately I don't think I can add him to the holiday at this late notice but I'm going to contact travel agent today to see if it's an option. With an expensive ski trip, another school European residential and several camps with cadets, also one in Europe (all since January) plus still another 3 to go before the year is out, financially it wasn't going to work. We were trying to make him understand that he can't have it all but I have obviously buggered that learning curve up.

I'm going to speak to my son today and see what he says. Either way, he's going to have to tell his dad how he really feels himself.

I also think it’s weird (and very wrong) to force your child to choose between a school trip and a family holiday. You forced him to choose between his peers and his family, and you can dress it up how you like, but you are leaving him out.

I don’t think you’re the slightest bit unreasonable in your feelings. Your ex sounds quite a dead beat father and it sounds as if he’s not actually got much interest in your son at all but goes through the motions for appearances sake. Your son will know this no matter how good a job you’ve done with parenting him and not bad mouthing his father. I did the same for years, smiled when I wanted to scream and not once bad mouthed my children’s father. One day when my DS had had his 16th Birthday and his father had text to make excuse after excuse as to why he couldn’t visit or send a gift ( though kept saying something was on its way and in the post) my son looked at me and said ‘ he’s really just a bit of a wanker isn’t he Mum’ Your son will come to his own conclusions despite how well you attempt to protect his relationship with his father. So yanbu but I think there’s very little you can do. Oh and he is YOUR son

We were trying to make him understand that he can't have it all but I have obviously buggered that learning curve up.

I get that - having the same struggle here. But I would make him drop another one rather than the family one.

@KC225 I have already booked and paid for a theme park visit for them as a treat while we are away and have already given our meerkat movies log in details if they decided they wanted to go cinema.

Ok it sounds a bit shit for him. But at the end of the day he’s 14 and pretty autonomous. He will be 5 mins away from home so he can go and spend time with his mates, maybe go home for a while (if you trust him in the house alone) and just sleep at his dads.

It sounds as if he’s finally worked out how far down the priority list he is for his father. This is what you should be centring on along with assuring him it won’t be that bad.

Do you want your son to tell his father how he feels or how you feel? If, as you say, he is the shy type that won't stick up for himself then he probably tells you what you want to hear too.

Probably would've been better for everyone if he went on holiday with you .. was this really not possible ?

So theyve seen each other maybe 12 times and people on here seem to think that's a successful relationship? Wow

I had a long distance relationship with my DH for the first 3 years and we probably saw each other 3-4 times a year. We've been together for 20 years and married for 13. It is possible.

OP, I think you are being a bit unreasonable too - I assume you would have something to say if your ex said you couldn't spend time with your new DH and daughter (I'm guessing she is your DD with your new husband) because you're not spending enough quality time with your son? It seems like it's ok for you to move on and have a new family, but not your ex.

You also need to be careful you're not passing your views onto your son - he will pick up on any negativity.

However, if the ex is flakey and cancels a lot, that is a different issue and one that you or your son needs to address with the ex if it is making your son unhappy. But I don't think you should necessarily conflate that with the gf being there (you've said he's always been flakey) and I don't think you should be feeding his uncertainties, especially if he has no choice but to go to his dad's while you go on holiday.

Maybe see it as an opportunity for your son to get to know this woman better? You say she's nice and it could be she will make sure he has a good week with them both?

Hang on, so you’re remarried OP but want your ex to not have his partner over whilst your son is there?

YABVU

YANBU

So he got a choice of a skiing holiday and a week with his dad or a holiday with you and YOUR partner?? You really should be encouraging him to accept his dad's partner and spend some time with her you said she was nice, he should give her a chance. He needs to learn he can't run to mummy every time in his life when he has to speak to or spend time with someone he's 'not keen on' he's 14 not a baby.

OP, a reasonable person, after typing your post and re-reading it, would have thought, effing hell, I'm being a lunatic.

I think that Mama Bear instinct is prevailing over all this, and you're just trying to do what's best for your Son and don't want to see him hurt.

I don't think you should double back on yourself and take your son on holiday with you, because then it is you who is seen to be being unreasonable and you could create a 'situation', albeit through having the best of intentions - you also, quite rightly, said that you were trying to show your Son he can't have everything. It will also be nice for you and DH to have some time together.

Your Son feels let down, he should tell his Dad that. I'm sure during the course of the stay with his Dad they'll at least have some time alone. To flip this round, who's to say that his Dad didn't feel a little bit nervous about being with your son by himself, so wants his GF there for moral support? (I'm not saying this is right of him, but you never know)

It's all very crystal ball, and it is out of your control, so I'd stop trying to clutch at straws - your Son may feel like this now, then go on to have a wonderful time.

He is growing older, and whilst it is natural for you to want to still protect him, you can't shield him.

Perhaps if you are seen to be more open to it, then your Son will be too.

...I think it's really lovely that you've booked the theme park visit and have given the movie log in details too - I'm sure they'll have a great time in the end - fingers crossed!

We were trying to make him understand that he can't have it all but I have obviously buggered that learning curve up.

I understand that message. However, expecting 1-2-1 for your teenager with his dad sends the opposite message.

You really can't dictate that his dad doesn't see anyone when he is there; you have remarried, it's double standards.

Sadly I've found that when men meet a new partner their children very quickly become lower down on the priority list.
Not all of course but in my experience it happens a lot.

I agree with Anonymum.

Much as you want to protect your son from being hurt by ex, you can’t. He will have to deal with his father being a bit of a let down at some point, he may as well start now.

I think it’s completely normal to be given a choice and budget for which holidays he chooses. At 14 he’s not tied to your hip. But also he needs to stick with his choices - he chose ski-ing over family holiday - at 14 I would have done the same (in fact that year I went on holiday with a friends family rather than my own). I don’t think you can rearrange now just because his dad is who he is. Your son is going to have to learn to get on with his dad’s gf, whether this one or another.

I had a long distance relationship with my DH for the first 3 years and we probably saw each other 3-4 times a year. We've been together for 20 years and married for 13. It is possible.

Yeah it is. Its also possible she's married and he's a fling when she goes away for work.

Or that it won't work out at all once they actually live together and realise that a few days here and there wasn't an accurate presentation of themselves. Living together can ruin relationships if you hate the other person's habits, and short stays now and again won't show those usually, or you think you can ignore it.

Plenty of long distance relationships don't work. Plenty do as well like yours. Doesn't mean they all will end like that, and as for 13 years he hasn't kept anyone for a long period of time, he is less likely to make it work.

YABU. My xH moved in with his new girlfriend about a month after we separated so my DC have never once had quality time just with their dad, she is always there.

Your DS has had thirteen years just of his Dad, he is now old enough to accept the company of his dad’s partner too.

As if. Not up to OP

You’d rather a child was left to try and speak to his dad alone? When his dad has apparently shown no interest in his feelings on the subject thus far? Pfft.

OP I get what you’re saying, and if your son feels pushed out or uncomfortable being there when she is I think there’s nothing wrong with you speaking to your ex on his behalf.

Acting as a buffer between a hurt child and a feckless ex is never fun, I’ve had 10 years of it thus far and it shows no signs of abating.

Can’t she come another time when your son isn’t there? That way nobody feels pushed out.

Do you not think you are being hypocritical? You are married...so clearly at some point you were dating, did that mean yoi didn't give your son attention? Why are you allowed ti move on with a relationship but your ex isn't? It might not be a typical set up but do you get to tell him that its not allowed? How would you feel if he did that to you?