Aibu not wanting ex's girlfriend staying while my son is?

[StrugglingMumma]

Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreadable.

My son is 14 yrs old and is due to stay at his dads house for the week while I go on holiday with my DH & DD. (He's not being left out, he had a choice and choose an expensive skiing trip with school instead of coming in family holiday)

This has been booked for over a year now and due to fly out in 4 weeks time.

His dad has been seeing someone who lives literally hundreds of miles away, she's nice but aibu unreasonable to not want her to stay there while he's meant to be having quality time with his son? My son wasn't overly keen when I told him that she would be staying. My ex had agreed to this and had apparently told her not to come. However, I found out tonight that she is still coming because he's losing half his annual leave due to starting a new job. I doubt I would have been told this until I was already away if he hadn't dropped himself in it.

Bit of background: been separated since son was a year old, contact was great until his mum died three year ago (pretty rubbish considering he literally lives 5mins round the corner from us) He does pay minimum maintenance apart from when he was out of work for 2 years. Doesn't take any interest in school etc. I think it was his Mum who kept the contact going more than him. He probably sees my son maybe once a month if that.

@ohreallyohreallyoh ... oh come on you know it true ... more than likely she gets juicy amount and can't even be arsed to pay for her son to go on a family holiday because he went on a ski trip with school... please ... if she can't afford to take her son on holiday but bitch about her ex ...
I see she is able to pay for theme parks ... movies and god knows what else ... so maybe she just doesn't want her DS on holiday... and she doesn't like the fact her ex has moved on ... what ever the back story I find the whole situation odd ...

I think you are being unreasonable considering the amount of time you've been apart from ex. Your son may well find it's not too bad having her around and if he doesn't, he won't go again!

Relax and enjoy your holiday.

Yabu

considering the amount of time you've been apart from ex.

It’s not about OP! She doesn’t care, she’s remarried. It’s her son who is disappointed.

oh come on you know it true ... more than likely she gets juicy amount and can't even be arsed to pay for her son to go on a family holiday because he went on a ski trip with school... please ... if she can't afford to take her son on holiday but bitch about her ex ...
I see she is able to pay for theme parks ... movies and god knows what else ... so maybe she just doesn't want her DS on holiday... and she doesn't like the fact her ex has moved on ... what ever the back story I find the whole situation odd ...

This comment finally makes me understand the good old MN question “are you on glue?”

How the hell did you extrapolate that pile of absolute steaming shite from what OP has written?

YABU it's none of your business

OP I'd sit down and talk to your son about his concerns. Ask him what he would like to do with his dad with or without the gf. Ask him if he wants to have friends round while he's at his dad's or go to visit them. Then get him to talk to his dad about what they both expect and can manage.

runningscare what are you on? this is a fairly flakey dad who paid minimum maintenance and not at all (fair does) when he was out of work - so I don't think OP is coining it. I respect her too for saying with limited money she'll fork out for a school ski trip for DS but he has to realize the opportunity cost. I think she's right to be concerned that her son may not have the quality time with his DF which I think it's all she's on about - she's said his newish GF is nice and, yes, would BU to expect her not to stay .. she just needs it sorted out so their son can have a good time and see something of his dad.

I also think it’s weird (and very wrong) to force your child to choose between a school trip and a family holiday. You forced him to choose between his peers and his family, and you can dress it up how you like, but you are leaving him out.

Agree. Quite strange.

Just get him added on to the family holliday. I get that he’s his dad but you have said yourself how he keeps letting him down.

Imagine how pushed out your son must feel his dad dosnt want to spend quality time with him and you are going off on your holidays with your new family poor kid

Oh ... so we don't just read parts of a thread and take what we will from it ... of course the dad is an arsehole who is flaky who doesn't pay towards his child ... lets just tell the op she is right for not wanting her son to spend time with her ex girlfriend.. lets tell the op she isn't being unreasonable for making the son chose between a family holiday and a school trip ... oh let's tell the op she is right and her ex has no rights and should just do as he is told.

@runningscare Yea I'm really coining it in from the man who left me with ££££s worth of debt from credit he took out in my name (which I'm still paying off) and £50 a month child maintenance. I work my ass off to make sure my son has everything he needs and deserves.

It's stupid comments like your that make me realise it was a waste of time posting. I certainly won't be making that mistake again.

Oh ... so we don't just read parts of a thread and take what we will from it ... of course the dad is an arsehole who is flaky who doesn't pay towards his child ... lets just tell the op she is right for not wanting her son to spend time with her ex girlfriend.. lets tell the op she isn't being unreasonable for making the son chose between a family holiday and a school trip ... oh let's tell the op she is right and her ex has no rights and should just do as he is told.

Wow, you did it all over again! Where did I say he didn’t pay? I don’t know what he pays, if he pays.

Your ability to take a perfectly sensible sentence and turn it into something completely different is remarkable. Not in a good way.

Did you miss the part where it’s the child who is uncomfortable with it? Or were you too busy projecting whatever issues are clouding your judgement onto OP for absolutely no reason at all?

Honestly, you’re attacking the woman for absolutely no good reason and just making a bit of a tit of yourself in the process. Have a cup of tea and a lie down.

Yabvvvu it's his contact, his say. Your D's is 14 not 4, stay out of it!

I don't get the responses that it's wrong to make him choose one of two holidays. What are pp suggesting she should have done? Insisted on the family holiday? I know some parents who would. But it sounds more like you're saying she should let him do both which just blows my mind,once again, because it leaves the impression that some people on here just don't understand the concept of 'not enough money'. Do you just have endless supplies??

I can’t believe you made him choose between a family holiday and his school trip!

@TotHappy I'm with you! What is wrong with leaving him with his father if he wants to do the school trip? It sounds like he was looking forward to that as well!

@Bitchywaitress if OP can't afford to fund both holidays what should she do? Cancel the family one and then DS is the only one to get a holiday that year? He was due to stay with his father, what's wrong with that?

YABU but I understand why you might feel hurt for your son

I also think it’s weird (and very wrong) to force your child to choose between a school trip and a family holiday. You forced him to choose between his peers and his family

You don’t think a teenager should learn that there is only so much money to go round so if he does X, Y is out of the question or if he does Y then he can’t do X? He has the option of staying with dad - also his family - if he makes the choice to go with peers. Most separated parents enjoy extra time with their children and vice Verda. Many teenagers don’t particularly enjoy a family holiday. It’s win win as far as I can see.

This comment finally makes me understand the good old MN question “are you on glue?”

That’s exactly what went through my head. Bitter? Much?!

I also think it’s weird (and very wrong) to force your child to choose between a school trip and a family holiday. You forced him to choose between his peers and his family

Maybe some people don't have the money to be such a wonderful parent like you

I also think it’s weird (and very wrong) to force your child to choose between a school trip and a family holiday. You forced him to choose between his peers and his family

And in the real world where money doesn’t grow on trees?

OP doesn’t state if this is a drive to a cottage in England or a long haul with expensive accommodation. If it’s the latter then maybe they shouldn’t be going if they can only afford for the ‘new’ family to go.

If you ask a teenage boy if he wants to go on an incredible experience with his peers of course he will choose this over the family holiday, but he still might feel excluded.

If it’s the latter then maybe they shouldn’t be going if they can only afford for the ‘new’ family to go

That was uncalled for and really fucking snide. You’re projecting massively and it’s really not on.

OP you can only protect your son so much.

He has to learn like other teenage children of separated/divorced parents how to relate to each parent including when they are being selfish and unreasonable on his own.

You also very reasonably gave him a choice of holidays earlier in the year. He now has to live with the consequences of his earlier choice. Yes you can make it easier for him by ensuring he has friends to sleepover with and go out with, but one of the things you have to learn at some point in life is that your earlier choices have consequences. It's not nice when you learn it, but if he is mature enough to make a choice about holidays then he's mature enough to deal with his father.