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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not wanting ex's girlfriend staying while my son is?

100 replies

StrugglingMumma · 02/08/2018 23:10

Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreadable.

My son is 14 yrs old and is due to stay at his dads house for the week while I go on holiday with my DH & DD. (He's not being left out, he had a choice and choose an expensive skiing trip with school instead of coming in family holiday)

This has been booked for over a year now and due to fly out in 4 weeks time.

His dad has been seeing someone who lives literally hundreds of miles away, she's nice but aibu unreasonable to not want her to stay there while he's meant to be having quality time with his son? My son wasn't overly keen when I told him that she would be staying. My ex had agreed to this and had apparently told her not to come. However, I found out tonight that she is still coming because he's losing half his annual leave due to starting a new job. I doubt I would have been told this until I was already away if he hadn't dropped himself in it.

Bit of background: been separated since son was a year old, contact was great until his mum died three year ago (pretty rubbish considering he literally lives 5mins round the corner from us) He does pay minimum maintenance apart from when he was out of work for 2 years. Doesn't take any interest in school etc. I think it was his Mum who kept the contact going more than him. He probably sees my son maybe once a month if that.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/08/2018 23:51

which I'm pretty sure you ex maintenance paid half of the trip anyhow

How on earth did you extrapolate that?! And what has it got to do with the price of fish?!

Original poster
StrugglingMumma · 02/08/2018 23:52

@ohreallyohreallyoh Thank you. I was finding it very difficult to put into words without being too outing. It's very frustrating trying to explain to my son that he needs to tell his dad this himself but he doesn't want to upset him.

OP posts:
SunflowerJo08 · 02/08/2018 23:53

I get that you feel deflated and let down on your son's behalf but it sounds like it's just another thing to add to his list of let downs. Yes it would have been nicer for him to have had his dad to himself. I think if it was me I would look at it positively in that she may well be really lovely, and be an extra person to talk to, a distraction and so on, as it could be that things between him and his dad might be a bit stilted after so long. She could well be the catalyst for a better relationship between them.

On the other hand, although it would be stressful for your son at the time, it could see the end of him wanting even just a little contact, if he turns out to be a bit of a prat towards him. Both experiences are a learning curve for him, best thing you can do is to stay in phone/whats app contact as much as possible, and try and be as positive as you can about it before and after.

LouBlue1507 · 02/08/2018 23:58

If you ex only sees her 3/4 times a year then how is she impacting his quality time with his son? YABVU. You don't get to dictate what your ex does.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/08/2018 23:59

Let it play itself out. You can’t fight his battles for him. The relationship between father and son is their responsibility to nurture and manage over time. They will work it out between themselves. My children have become increasingly distant from their dad because his girlfriend really doesn’t like them and they spend too much time walking on eggshells when in their dad’s home. It would be easy to wade in and tell him where he’s going wrong but he would hardly thank me for it. Instead, I just focus on the children, talk when they feel a need to, listen if it helps and above all remind them their dad loves them and tell them to be polite and remember is ‘t easy taking on other people’s children.

Original poster
StrugglingMumma · 02/08/2018 23:59

@SunflowerJo08 Thank you. I will speak to my son again tomorrow and hopefully be able to encourage him to tell him dad exactly how he feels. These last few years have been really tough trying to keep contact going for his sake and not bad mouth his dad in front of him.

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 03/08/2018 00:03

Im not a step mum. And Im a single
parent to 4. Still think the ops unreasonable! I wouldnt like my ex telling me any new partner I have cant stay over so works both ways.

Original poster
StrugglingMumma · 03/08/2018 00:04

@LouBlue1507 Well because he makes plans with my son then cancels last minute because she's coming to visit. I would say that does have an impact. He agreed to come to his 13th birthday party (first one since his 1st birthday) tried to cancel on the day because she was visiting so I had no option but to invite her even though my son had only very briefly met her twice.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrugglingMumma · 03/08/2018 00:06

I really wish he was just coming with us instead

OP posts:
Barbaro · 03/08/2018 00:10

Not being unreasonable.

I take it they haven't been together long, only see each other a few times a year, that's barely a relationship and your son isn't keen on it. Why would he be, he has to spend the week with a stranger.

So no, I agree with you. Too early in the relationship, who knows if this will last, why introduce yet another randomer into your sons life? If they lived together, fair enough, but they are long distance.

bluetrampolines · 03/08/2018 00:11

Very, very annoying. But yes yabu

SuperSuperSuper · 03/08/2018 00:13

I understand your concern OP I honestly do - but I think you need to let the two of them figure it out. Your son needs to learn how to manage these scenarios for himself.

TatianaLarina · 03/08/2018 00:13

I can see what you’re saying OP. It’s not about you, you just want your ex to be a better dad than he is and want to spend quality time with son.

It’s because your son is disappointed and would rather she wasn’t there.

PPs have interpreted it wrongly that you don’t want her around him for your own personal reasons - jealousy, possessiveness etc.

It’s sad for your son that his dad is a bit shit in general but he will have to get used to the disappointment of his father.

Original poster
StrugglingMumma · 03/08/2018 00:14

@Barbaro They met just before his mum died so three years ago but only actually see each other 3/4 times a year. I didn't know his dad had introduced them until after they met.

OP posts:
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 03/08/2018 00:16

YANBU as your son would prefer it if she wasn't there, but YWBU to get involved in asking him to change his plans or not invite her.

Kids see through their parents 100% at this age so he will have noticed that his dad does not always put him first, and all you can do is support him if he decides he doesn't want to go in future if she's there. At 14 you don't have to put up with people you don't want to see!

Starlight345 · 03/08/2018 00:16

Ignore the my son brigade. On mn there is a group who feel Lp are not allowed to call the children my dc despite every other parent using the term .

At 14 he will needs to be not so protected from his dad. He has reached the age where he can say enough is enough.

Original poster
StrugglingMumma · 03/08/2018 00:16

@TatianaLarina Your right, I'm definitely not jealous. I have bee happily married for 8 years and pleased he's met someone who makes him happy. I just don't like that my son comes second place when she is around.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrugglingMumma · 03/08/2018 00:20

@Starlight345 I think your right, maybe I have tried too hard to shield him from it. I just don't want to see him hurting over it but I guess I can't protect him from that forever

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 03/08/2018 00:21

At this age a teenager is probably going to either be disproportionately pissed off by things or oblivious/not arsed.

Whatever you do I would strenuously avoid fanning the flames of any perceived grievance on DCs part because it will only make DC miserable - there is nothing you can expect exh and he to do about this.

FWIW you would be U to try and impose these feelings on them and I think you know that, but YANBU to feel them. Life tends not to work out how we plan and sometimes we can't get what would be ideal - I truly sympathise. Flowers

LouBlue1507 · 03/08/2018 00:31

So every time your ex sees his son you expect it to be on a 1-2-1 basis? Bloody hell. Stop being ridiculous.

Barbaro · 03/08/2018 00:36

So theyve seen each other maybe 12 times and people on here seem to think that's a successful relationship? Wow.

Nah you and your son need to sit your ex down and tell him it's not happening. They've been on 12 dates basically, come on. There are people on here who wouldn't consider that exclusive let alone a proper long term relationship. It's a joke.

LouBlue1507 · 03/08/2018 00:48

Nah you and your son need to sit your ex down and tell him it's not happening

As if. Not up to OP.

worridmum · 03/08/2018 06:05

So people on here think the RP should be able to dictate that the ex cannot have their parter at all for contact but i bet they would be up in arms if the NRP suggested the RP could not have thier partner around his child..

KC225 · 03/08/2018 06:24

Gosh some really harsh responses on here. I don't think the OP is bothered/jealous/dictating about the girlfriend staying. She wants their son to be his top priority whilst he is staying and past actions has proved he hasn't been top proority when the girlfriend is there.

The son may be 14 but who wants to be abroad worried about a miserable teenager. The Dad sounds borderline feckless - minimum effort all round, so of course the OP is concerned.

As already posted, can you suggest your son speaks to his Dad. Are there things the three of them could do together, like the cinema, theme park? Could you son break the week up with a sleepover at friends of it gets too much?

PrimalLass · 03/08/2018 06:37

I just can't get over that you are not taking him on the family holiday. I know he chose the ski trip but it's still an odd thing to let a young teen decide. Bet he is regretting it now.

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