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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to just watch the crash and burn.../ want some help

98 replies

MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 21:03

My DD1 16yrs old is going to her first week of a 3 week NCS programme the first week is camping so by Monday early morning she needs everything sorted.

I've been asking her gently for help all week trying to motivate her but she's just rude and obnoxious..

'I will pack/wash/iron my own stuff!' 'I don't need your help' but has not even contemplated anything to take with her...

'Well what should I wear then?' when I ask about what shoes she's taking..

.'Its not you going is it?'...'I'll do my washing/packing myself' says the person who doesn't even get out bed and would wear/sleep in the same top for days in a row..

'I know what to take anyway, I don't need your help there's a list' ..so wheres the list then?...Cue the storming upstairs into her cess-pit room to film a youtube video probably about how terrible her mum is ...
I've sorted her toiletries but I'm really not motivated to help/buy anything else she's so ungrateful.. I'm blooming fed up of her behaviour but of course part of me wants to make sure she's got everything she needs for the trip and enjoys herself...but another part just wants me to leave her to it and see her crash and burn...aaagghhh Angry Angry..RANT OVER (probably not) sighs

OP posts:
Disquieted1 · 02/08/2018 21:15

She's 16 - you may know some, but she knows it all.
Leave her to get on with it.

Bet you don't though.

Bizzylizzyloo · 02/08/2018 21:16

Leave her to it, she needs the lesson!

Oakmaiden · 02/08/2018 21:18

This is familiar. the main difference is my daughter would be delighted if I did it all for her, but I don't see why I should. So we have conversations like "DD, make sure you put everything you want to pack in the wash by Wednesday, so I have time to get it dry for you." "OK". Friday comes, and she is asking me why there are no clean jumpers. Because you didn't actually put them in the wash until 3 hours ago, and I am not magic.

She is currently at a Guide and Scout Jamboree, and frankly, if she is old enough to go to these things, then she is old enough to sort out her own packing. But it is so painful to be constantly reminding her, and then to face the panic in the last hour and a half before she leaves because she can't find whatever it is she has suddenly realised she needs.

This is the 5th time she has gone away this year, and it is very wearing...

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 21:34

I am soo tempted... but you are right Disquited I will probably relent...probably

Oak I'm glad someone else feels my pain...but it's the rudeness that comes with it as well... Grin @ 'I'm not magic'

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 02/08/2018 21:38

Sod the trip, and her having a nice time, personally l would want to give her a kick up the backside for speaking to me like that, how dare she!

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 21:39

Calm down, leave it to her. She obviously doesn't want you to interfere. She's not worried about it, so why should you? Seriously!

Bibesia · 02/08/2018 21:43

Tell her you will happily leave her to it, and that you will not be helping out in any way, shape or form if she finds she's left something behind or is having a last-minute panic.

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 21:44

Grin Dragon what makes you think I don't want to do that too ??

but she's also been through some stuff and tbh she's what I call a 'T.V' Teenager...it's been a long few years trust me..

OP posts:
Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 21:47

Single I would agree with you if everything she needed was available but it's not...so it would be a long 5 days...

OP posts:
BluthsFrozenBananas · 02/08/2018 22:00

I’d guess she really doesn’t know what to pack or how to organise herself properly. However she doesn’t want to admit that to herself so is procrastinating and leaving it all to the last minute so she doesn’t have to deal with the uncomfortable truth. Snapping at you is part of that also, because you are making her face up to the reality that she feels out of her depth and not as grown up as she likes to think she is.

I can totally see why you just want to wash your hands of the whole thing, but deep down I suspect she really does want help.

ChinkChink · 02/08/2018 22:04

You learn by experience, not by what your parents tell you!

So let her learn. You've done your job by offering assistance.

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 22:16

I think so too Bluths but it just gets so tiring...and yet you know she needs the help

OP posts:
Bibesia · 03/08/2018 09:08

Is it any use making her a list and telling her she doesn't have to use it but you thought it might be helpful? It might help her realise how much she has to do, and at least then you will have done as much as you can short of doing it all for her.

Neolara · 03/08/2018 09:19

My dd does scouts. When she goes on scout camp, parents are given strict instructions from the organisers to let the scouts pack their own kit. Builds independence. Kids become scouts aged 10.5.

I'd leave your dd to it. She has a list and presumably she doesn't have any special needs. It will be a good learning opportunity for her.

Anquin · 03/08/2018 09:27

Don’t “ask gently”; tell her that if she needs YOU to get anything ready, your cut-off time for asking is whenever, and stick to it! Then let her trot on to her trip, with or without what she needs...

VioletCharlotte · 03/08/2018 09:41

Ha! This sounds just like my 17 year old DS. He's going to a festival in a couple of weeks. Helpfully I've tried to discuss with him things he may need to buy/ borrow (you know, tent, sleeping bag, nothing controversial!)

I get "I KNOW! You don't need to tell me, I'm not a CHILD!" (This from the person who called me at work yesterday to ask me where his jeans where 🙄)

Sit back and watch them crash and burn, that's what I say. And have the wine on chill for when they finally go! Grin

TheStoic · 03/08/2018 09:44

Why will you relent? What will she learn if you do?

Wearywithteens · 03/08/2018 09:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 09:47

When I was that age my Mum's friend said to me “you’re 16, you think you’re all the woman you’re ever going to be but my wee pal you will learn”.

She’s right, I did. Your DD will too. Until then Wine for you Grin

NameChangeUni · 03/08/2018 09:47

Just let her handle it, you sound overbearing. She won’t die or ruin her life if she forgets something or has creased clothes. She also has her school/friends as a safety blanket if she does miss something important. If she makes a mistake, she’ll learn from it - it’s her life. Stop babying her

NameChangeUni · 03/08/2018 09:48

shove it under her door

Don’t do that ffs- it’s so invasive. If she doesn’t want to discuss this with you, don’t force her with silly notes.

ConstantlyCold · 03/08/2018 09:49

This from the person who called me at work yesterday to ask me where his jeans were Grin

I’m dreading my kids reaching teenage years. I’m planning on the watch them crash and burn policy.

Wearywithteens · 03/08/2018 09:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

NameChangeUni · 03/08/2018 10:00

It’s not bizarre at all - my mother used to always slide things/notes under my door which frankly I didn’t want. If someone doesn’t want to carry on a conversation/argument, forcing things through the door is beyond annoying. It’s having the last word or not respecting the other person’s wishes to leave them alone.

Also she can surely find a packing list on google or from NCS - it’s not as bloody important as you’re suggesting my dear

catsofa · 03/08/2018 10:00

What's the worst that could happen? Could you maybe make her a little bag with San pro, condoms, knickers and cash to give her at the last minute, then leave her to it knowing that at least you've prevented the worst?