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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to just watch the crash and burn.../ want some help

98 replies

MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 21:03

My DD1 16yrs old is going to her first week of a 3 week NCS programme the first week is camping so by Monday early morning she needs everything sorted.

I've been asking her gently for help all week trying to motivate her but she's just rude and obnoxious..

'I will pack/wash/iron my own stuff!' 'I don't need your help' but has not even contemplated anything to take with her...

'Well what should I wear then?' when I ask about what shoes she's taking..

.'Its not you going is it?'...'I'll do my washing/packing myself' says the person who doesn't even get out bed and would wear/sleep in the same top for days in a row..

'I know what to take anyway, I don't need your help there's a list' ..so wheres the list then?...Cue the storming upstairs into her cess-pit room to film a youtube video probably about how terrible her mum is ...
I've sorted her toiletries but I'm really not motivated to help/buy anything else she's so ungrateful.. I'm blooming fed up of her behaviour but of course part of me wants to make sure she's got everything she needs for the trip and enjoys herself...but another part just wants me to leave her to it and see her crash and burn...aaagghhh ..RANT OVER (probably not) sighs

OP posts:

CantStandMeow · 03/08/2018 12:46

Bloody hell I must be mean as fuck. DD1 packed her own stuff for Brownie camp last month. She's 8.

Original poster

MistressoftheYoniverse · 03/08/2018 12:47

@ 'helicopter emoji' and I have people telling my children have too much freedom and they are too independent

OP posts:

Loonoon · 03/08/2018 12:49

One thing we are all assuming is that the OP is correct and her DD will make a mess of this. She could surprise you OP.

Original poster

MistressoftheYoniverse · 03/08/2018 12:52

She has packed before ...she just packed her last week to visit her cousins for a week...it's the prep part really and the rudeness that got under my skin ...

OP posts:

twoshedsjackson · 03/08/2018 12:52

Loonoon, my friend's lad did the same! Two weeks Outward Bound in the Lake District with school: abseiling, kayaking etc, and actually said to Mum when he got back, "Well I've saved you a bit of work there, Mum!" He thought he was doing her a favour.....not trying to be stroppy like Misress's daughter.
She put him in the shower and the clothes he had been wearing for a fortnight in the bin.
Fortunately, he started to appreciate the value of personal freshness when a nice young lady caught his eye.

bringincrazyback · 03/08/2018 12:53

She's behaving like an arse, let her crash and burn if she hasn't thought it through properly. Great opportunity for a life lesson.

winterisstillcoming · 03/08/2018 12:53

I'd call her on it. And tell all and sundry about how she's so organised and on it and how you are not having to worry about anything.

Then on the day, if she isn't ready enough, tell her it's ok if she doesn't go.

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 12:55

Give her a cut-off time to ask you for help and don't budge.

You're doing her absolutely no favours if you keep wiping her bottom for the rest of her life.

CountFosco · 03/08/2018 12:58

I'm fortunate my daughter is a packing genius I give her the holiday clothing and she rolls it folds it and suddenly four people's stuff in one small suitcase

Now that is just showing off!

My DDs (9&10) pack for themselves, I do still tell them how many of each item I think they'll need but we've not hit puberty so that information is gratefully received! They are better at packing than DH (who once forgot to pack a coat on a trip to the north of Scotland, first morning in Aberdeen there was a quick visit to Mountain Warehouse). So leave her to it for the sake of any future SO so they don't get driven mad by a partner who puts a pile of 3 t-shirts, 7 jumpers, 4 jeans, and a pair of pants on the bed at 12.03am on the morning you are leaving and then claims 'well, I'm packed for going to Barcelona'.

Scoopofchaff · 03/08/2018 12:58

You have my sympathy op!!

I went through this with DD aged 14 yrs when she was going on a youth camp. She was so stroppy and I got so stressed, and the whole experience was so infuriating, that I vowed she was sorting herself out for trips from then on.

Agree with everyone here advising you to step back and distance yourself from the situation. You have already sorted her toiletries; make sure her washing is up to date if you normally still do it, otherwise text with a reminder to sort her own washing and footwear/rainwear and towels and any special clothing ie swimsuit. Pin packing list on fridge (if there is one). Text her that you've tried to help, that she has been unacceptably rude in RTN so it's over to her, but hope she is able to sort things in time as you want her to really enjoy the time away because you love her lots (teens - however obnoxious their behaviour - always need reminding of that!!).

Take yourself out for lovely coffee or something stronger and relax!

Stepping back and watching your child flounder is one of the hardest bits of parenting!

Original poster

MistressoftheYoniverse · 03/08/2018 13:01

Loonoon I don't even think she will mess up that badly she can handle herself...I'm sure she'll cope...I think

OP posts:

onyourmarks2017 · 03/08/2018 13:04

I was left to my own devices as I had an uninterested mother. The upshot was my late teens were a muddle of embarrassing fails (once went camping without a sleeping bag ). However, I am now an organised and capable person! I wouldn’t recommend the school of hard knocks, lots of cringing and tears, but compared to my sister who had everything done for her and as an adult is an incapable mess, it worked!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 03/08/2018 13:05

Just put your feet up and leave her to it - and no last minute rescue either. She will either fall on her arse and learn a useful lesson, or manage surprisingly well. Both good outcomes!

My mum was a fusser - is there any possibility you might be?

longwayoff · 03/08/2018 13:06

OP its time you had some 'me' time. Go out. Go out tomorrow. Go out on Sunday. Leave her to it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/08/2018 13:08

She's 16 - you may know some, but she knows it all

I have a 16yo DD - this is my new mantra to preserve my sanity .

Karigan198 · 03/08/2018 13:08

Leave her to it. Nice learning curve that you don’t speak to people like that if you want them to help you or MAYBE she actually does have a plan and you need to trust her.

There’s nothing more annoying than people interfering when you actually do have things in hand.

CocoaGin70 · 03/08/2018 13:11

After having 3 DDs I'm a firm believer in the "you have to let them fall on their arse sometimes to learn" method of parenting. It's hard, so hard but they do learn from it. My rather mouthy 14 yr old knew it all when it came to packing for school camp so I let her. She forgot her foam mattress, toothbrush and trainers.

She's much more careful packing to go anywhere now though.

Original poster

MistressoftheYoniverse · 03/08/2018 13:24

Tawdry my mum was one too, so I really try to not get too caught up and tend to leave my girls to it...hence the 'Oh your girls are too independent' opinions

OP posts:

Iused2BanOptimist · 03/08/2018 13:49

Hi OP. I'm not so harsh and you know your child and how much help they need!
DD1 wouldn't have let me near her uni application, she's super organised.
DD2 not so much! She recently did Work experience at the hospital where I work. A snarky colleague saw me completing her application last autumn and told me she should be doing it herself. But even working here and knowing my way around the system it has been a tricky process right up to the week she did it, not helped by certain incompetence from HR dept overseeing WE. A colleague also had same difficulty with arrangements. It would have been near impossible for her to arrange without help from me. And hey, that's what we parents do. Help our children on the path to independence.

Iused2BanOptimist · 03/08/2018 13:58

Also OP Lots of excellent light touch help advice from other posters here. Hope she has a great time.

Original poster

MistressoftheYoniverse · 04/08/2018 13:06

Hi everyone, just wanted to say thank you for all your support, ideas and logic

We went out yesterday to buy a few bits, I spoke to her about her behaviour and how it made me feel, she apologised.

I explained to her I wont be packing her case or washing anything or looking for anything it's all in her hands she has the list get on with it...
DD1 looks at me with a mixture of shock, suspicion and mild fear...'I can pack my own case but...' Yep you're right you CAN pack your own case and find your own stuff I should respect that , I'm sure you'll do a good job babe, it's all up to you, try to make sure you don't forget anything important ..