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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to just watch the crash and burn.../ want some help

98 replies

MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 21:03

My DD1 16yrs old is going to her first week of a 3 week NCS programme the first week is camping so by Monday early morning she needs everything sorted.

I've been asking her gently for help all week trying to motivate her but she's just rude and obnoxious..

'I will pack/wash/iron my own stuff!' 'I don't need your help' but has not even contemplated anything to take with her...

'Well what should I wear then?' when I ask about what shoes she's taking..

.'Its not you going is it?'...'I'll do my washing/packing myself' says the person who doesn't even get out bed and would wear/sleep in the same top for days in a row..

'I know what to take anyway, I don't need your help there's a list' ..so wheres the list then?...Cue the storming upstairs into her cess-pit room to film a youtube video probably about how terrible her mum is ...
I've sorted her toiletries but I'm really not motivated to help/buy anything else she's so ungrateful.. I'm blooming fed up of her behaviour but of course part of me wants to make sure she's got everything she needs for the trip and enjoys herself...but another part just wants me to leave her to it and see her crash and burn...aaagghhh Angry Angry..RANT OVER (probably not) sighs

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/08/2018 12:11

The trick is to make sure you're out of the house in the last few hours before she leaves - just turn up to say goodbye.

abbsisspartacus · 03/08/2018 12:13

From what I remember there isn't anything special about the kit list she will cope

PeckhamPauline · 03/08/2018 12:14

Leave her to it! I went camping for a weekend at that age and all I packed was a bag of marshmallows. Needless to say I felt quite ill and grubby after the weekend, but had a great time!

Let her navigate this herself.

Storminateapot · 03/08/2018 12:17

Funnily enough I have 2 boys starting NCS on Monday. I've been nagging for laundry all week, seeing them wear things I know they'll want to take and not thinking...

I've bought the toiletries and some snacks. Tonight I will print off the list and I have already warned them they'll be packing tomorrow so we can identify anything we need & get it on Sunday. 'Fortunately' they are bone idle rather than rude & ungrateful so it will be done if I force the issue.

I feel it reflects badly on me if they go without everything they need, so I'm making sure they are prepared for me as much as anything.

Teenagers are difficult!

3stonedown · 03/08/2018 12:18

It always surprises me on these threads how much input people have in their teenagers lives. Not a criticism and I'm sure I will be the same when DD gets to that age.

Absolutely leave her too it! At 16 I was jetting off to Magaluf and there was no way I would have wanted my mum helping me pack

Notevilstepmother · 03/08/2018 12:21

Step right back and leave her to it. She is 16, she should be quite able to sort this out for herself, do your own washing so the machine is free for her on the weekend, and seriously, take a big step back and let her get on with it.

Any “mum where is ....” or “mum I need ....” should be met with, “darling, I offered to help and you told me you didn’t want help”.

Good luck and stick to it!

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 03/08/2018 12:21

Watch her crash and burn for sure. With Wine

Oh OP I know exactly how you feel. I have the exact same issue with DS over laundry. He is so touchy about me going in his room to get his dirty clothes to wash, and it's hard to tell which is clean / dirty because they're all co-existing on the floor!

I've done everything - from "here is the laundry basket - I'll wash whatever is put in it", to "wash your own clothes then, it's your responsibility".

And THEN he has the nerve to complain to me that he has no clothes wear!

It's the constant push / pull in your headspace isn't it? Do I help him regardless / do I let him learn his lesson, but then they'll be fallout for me anyway.

No real solution sorry, just sympathy!

Loonoon · 03/08/2018 12:21

Absolutely let her screw up. Failure is an important life lesson that children can’t learn if parents hover over them. Better she learns it at 16 at a Guide Camp than later in life when it might have more serious consequences. Step back, check out and let her get on with it.

And HollowTalk is wise. Take yourself away for the last day because if you stick around you will get sucked into the last minute panic and it will all be your fault.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 03/08/2018 12:23

Any “mum where is ....” or “mum I need ....” should be met with, “darling, I offered to help and you told me you didn’t want help”.

Is that the passive aggressive version of "I fucking told you so!"? Grin

paap1975 · 03/08/2018 12:23

At 16 she can and should pack her own bag. Give her a dealine for buying her the stuff she needs. After that, she's on her own

G5000 · 03/08/2018 12:25

16! My mum would not have dreamt about packing anything for me at that age. Or washing. Or constantly nagging me about what I'm planning to pack. I managed to pack for half a year student exchange in a foreign country at the age of 15, she will survive a few days.

She said she's fine and doesn't need help. Get off her case and let her learn.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/08/2018 12:28

My instincts would be to help, but not if a dd was refusing help and behaving like that. My dds would have welcomed help and probably asked for it. 'Mum, have you seen my....?' x 97.

Looking back, I think a bit of crash and burn would have been good for them!

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 03/08/2018 12:29

Grin April that's exactly where I am ...

Merry there is actually a back story but it's really personal for the whole family and not something I would have ever envisioned happening to us...so I won't be sharing but I think that's why I try to give her chances, it's been really difficult

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 03/08/2018 12:31

DD is nearly 14 and is away for 2 weeks having just come back from scout camp. I told her as she was emptying her rucksack to put everything she wanted to bring on holiday in for washing. She didn't. I reminded her the next day, she didn't. The third time I told her if she wanted it for holiday to put it in the wash that day or it wouldn't be washed and dry in time, she didn't.

When she was packing and didn't have everything she needed she took it from the dirty washing or borrowed from her sisters/friends. Not sure if she's learnt a lesson but she didn't ask me to help and was ready to leave on time so I didn't say anything.

abbsisspartacus · 03/08/2018 12:32

I'm fortunate my daughter is a packing genius I give her the holiday clothing and she rolls it folds it and suddenly four people's stuff in one small suitcase

MadMum101 · 03/08/2018 12:32

DS went off with NCS on Monday for the 1st week of camping. He packed/ironed on Sunday evening. Its only Friday, stop stressing!

I just made sure he had everything thing on his kit list (only had to buy some long sleeved tops as he didn't have summer ones, toiletries and a biscuit/choc/sweet stash) and I was up to date with the washing.

They don't need sleeping bags, camping utensils etc, luckily. DD did a few years back.

He did forget to pack a towel! I asked him at drop off if he'd packed one. He'd been remindedAngry. I will find out this afternoon whether he asked the staff to lend him one or whether he hasn't showered all week Envy

MiddlingMum · 03/08/2018 12:36

HollowTalk is exactly right. Make sure you're out of the house on the day of departure, right until the last minute. Also make sure something happens to your phone so you can't be sorting things out remotely. Arrive back, say a cheery "All ready then?" and breeze past.

They really do need to learn the hard way if they won't use common sense and courtesy.

Figlessfig · 03/08/2018 12:37

Leave her to it. She’s 16. Old enough to buy fags, get married or join the army.
A week of wearing the same knickers, and being cold because the one jumper she took got soaking wet, will enable her to learn valuable life lessons.
Flowers and Wine for you.

Loonoon · 03/08/2018 12:39

DB went on scout camp when he was about 13. Our mum fussed and packed for him because he was the golden boy (she certainly didn’t do it for us girls). He came back very proud that because he had worn the same clothes for the entire week all his clean socks/underpants etc could go straight back in his drawers. He had not opened the soap or used the shampoo or towels. And he ate baked beans at every meal for the entire week. I am so grateful I didn’t have to share a tent with him or any of his similarly grubby mates. He had a wonderful time though.

picklepost · 03/08/2018 12:39

HA! Have been through exactly this. Painful - but they will survive (you probably will too)

worstmotherintheworld · 03/08/2018 12:40

My DCs did NDC. I am sure that a list was provided for the 2 residential weeks. I would look for that and put it on display in her room and leave her to it. Are any of her friends doing it too? If so they will probably be documenting and discussing their packing on Instagram or Snapchat.

malvinandhobbes · 03/08/2018 12:40

We've just been through this. 14 year old is off on long term with Explorers.

In the end, he did all his own packing very well. He and I sat down with the checklist the night before and made sure he had everything. It was originally very tense, but his mood improved towards letting me help after he told me he was done and I pointed out that this hiking boots were still by the door.

cakecakecheese · 03/08/2018 12:41

How rude of her, when I was her age I would have at least pretended to listen to my Mum, then completely ignore everything she told me Grin

But yeah step back and let her get on with it. Or not get on with it.

MeanTangerine · 03/08/2018 12:41

I'm not sure I agree with the posters saying "bet she wants your help really". She's 16 - bet she wants some independence really. Has she really never packed her own bag before?

Figlessfig · 03/08/2018 12:43

I appreciate there’s a back story, but no-one else is going to make allowances for her in real life. Better she starts learning now, before A levels and uni, where she’ll flounder without a sense of responsibility.