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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to just watch the crash and burn.../ want some help

98 replies

MistressoftheYoniverse · 02/08/2018 21:03

My DD1 16yrs old is going to her first week of a 3 week NCS programme the first week is camping so by Monday early morning she needs everything sorted.

I've been asking her gently for help all week trying to motivate her but she's just rude and obnoxious..

'I will pack/wash/iron my own stuff!' 'I don't need your help' but has not even contemplated anything to take with her...

'Well what should I wear then?' when I ask about what shoes she's taking..

.'Its not you going is it?'...'I'll do my washing/packing myself' says the person who doesn't even get out bed and would wear/sleep in the same top for days in a row..

'I know what to take anyway, I don't need your help there's a list' ..so wheres the list then?...Cue the storming upstairs into her cess-pit room to film a youtube video probably about how terrible her mum is ...
I've sorted her toiletries but I'm really not motivated to help/buy anything else she's so ungrateful.. I'm blooming fed up of her behaviour but of course part of me wants to make sure she's got everything she needs for the trip and enjoys herself...but another part just wants me to leave her to it and see her crash and burn...aaagghhh ..RANT OVER (probably not) sighs

OP posts:

DontCallMeCharlotte · 03/08/2018 10:02

Whatever you do, say your goodbyes and make sure you're away from the house and uncontactable for at least two hours before she's due to leave so as to avoid the nuclear meltdown she will almost certainly have when she can't find her waterproof mascara or some other "essential".

Good luck!

TheStoic · 03/08/2018 10:09

I think some parents secretly love the inevitable panic that somehow proves they are indispensable. I’m not one of those parents.

This is a perfect teaching moment, OP, but it will only work if you don’t blink.

Wearywithteens · 03/08/2018 10:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Iused2BanOptimist · 03/08/2018 10:20

DH came back from work yesterday somewhat amused by a colleague in a furious rage. It seems his daughter forgot to confirm her acceptance of a university offer. So, assuming she remembered to revise and do the exams and gets the grades, she won't be heading off to university this September as planned after all. I guess they have to learn sometime, probably an uncomfortable week at camp is the time to learn.

NameChangingParanoid · 03/08/2018 10:23

I went to Canada with the Guides for three weeks when I was 13 - packed everything myself, was given a list of essentials by camp leaders.

All was fine, let her get on with it, I was living on my own at Uni when I was 17 - she needs independence & is asking for it.

Original poster

MistressoftheYoniverse · 03/08/2018 10:50

Name I was a girl guide too so I know what's coming... you may have packed everything but did you wash it? dry it? buy it?...I would be happy for her to pack her own stuff don't get me wrong if only it was about independence... I don't think it's stretch to be respectful to your parent who will be subbing this trip that you begged to go on...

OP posts:

frangdoodle · 03/08/2018 10:52

We had this situation with same age daughter. Cancelled the holiday.

YouTheCat · 03/08/2018 11:02

How will she ever learn if she knows she can behave like a stroppy sod and you'll sort it all anyway?

Let her crack on. If she's panicking last minute, let her get on with it. Ignore the dramatics.

If she forgets stuff then that's tough but she'll survive. She can borrow from others or just go without. If it spoils the trip then that's a consequence.

She's nearly an adult.

Flyingarcher · 03/08/2018 11:11

I find communicating via text message works well. So, while you are out you can text her. 'Can't remember whether I washed your xyz t shirts. If you want to take them next week can you sling them on a 40 wash with a cupful of powder for me - shove in whats in my wash basket too. Thanks.

And/ or. 'Think the green rucksack might have a small tear in it. Can you look coz otherwise you will have to take Dad's blue one or buy a new one. Let me know.'

It sort of prompts, tells them exactly what to do but without them losing face. Also removes the rudeness factor which I get vis tone of voice rather than what he actually says.

abitoflight · 03/08/2018 11:15

Not saying my DD can't be stroppy but she's done her own packing for activity camps/scout camps for 3 years or so without my input and she's 15
I get out the technical stuff from the camping stash for her like head torches, waterproofs etc but only because she may leave it untidy
I'd leave her to tbh she'll prob be fine

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2018 11:21

But why is she behaving like this? I was pretty far from an ideal teenager but I’d never have behaved like this.

Is there a massive backstory? If there isn’t and this is normal I’d probably do all the washing I normally do, make sure stuff is clean and then leave her to it. If she’s missing stuff then tough. It’s bizarre ungrateful behaviour and in the absence of mitigating circumstances I’d leave her to crash and burn.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/08/2018 11:22

Flying
I have a soon to be 15 year old DS - I am blatantly stealing your approach. I think it will work well with him.

epicclusterfuck · 03/08/2018 11:26

It sounds like she may be anxious about going away and just avoiding having to think about it just yet!

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/08/2018 11:28

NCS give them a list and I think it can be accessed on line too. I just do the washing so tjat when they decide to pack they st least have stuff to pack!

Fang2468 · 03/08/2018 11:29

I am a mum of a ds14 and I recognise this behaviour all too well. He’s been helping run a sports club this week and I got sick of telling him until I was blue in the face about washing his kit, it it ready, where’s the cones etc etc, to be faced with rudeness and ungratefulness, so I stopped. He had a bit of a panic when I realised I’d not done it for him and had to wear a dirty sweaty kit one day, but it has seemed to ‘cure’ him of the bad attitude lol for this week. I’d let her get on with it to be honest.

Aprilsinparis · 03/08/2018 11:31

See...now, the Mom in me would want to make sure she was packed and fully prepared for any eventuality. The person I was before I became a Mom, would want to see her fall flat on her face, for being such a little shit.

BuntyII · 03/08/2018 11:32

I think some of you are forgetting what it's like being 16!

Brainwashed · 03/08/2018 11:35

Iused2 omg that's awful...I thought my DS was bad forgetting to confirm his offer of uni accomodation and subsequently losing it!

Queenofthestress · 03/08/2018 11:39

It was only 7 years ago that I was 16, not that far away that I've forgotten!
Let her crash and burn. It'll be a good life lesson.

Iused2BanOptimist · 03/08/2018 11:51

Brainwashed Wow. That must have caused a major panic. Not easy to get last minute accommodation or did the Uni manage to find somewhere else?

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 03/08/2018 11:56

A friend of mine had a DS who passed his driving test and headed off abroad for 2 years. He assumed his Mum would send in his driving test documents but she decided he should have done it for himself and didn't touch them.

He came back from abroad and assumed he would be able to drive in the UK. He couldn't, he had to sit his test all over again. A valuable learning experience for him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/08/2018 11:56

Doing it for her would be the worst thing in my opinion. The only way she will learn to stop being an obnoxious madam is by experience. So if she ends up having to wash her pants in a sink every night, so be it.

Crash and burn. And learn.

spanishwife · 03/08/2018 11:57

Where's the helicopter emoji??

AlpacaLypse · 03/08/2018 12:05

I have considerably more interaction with dd1 by text or FB Messenger than I do verbally. Even though we're still living in the same house. It's also good in that it leaves a 'paper' trail - I can prove that I told her something was happening etc.

MortyVicar · 03/08/2018 12:06

If that's her attitude let her get on with it. As many PPs have said, it won't hurt her and might help her in the long run.

However....because I'm sneaky (and yes I know it's entrapment ) I'd have one more attempt at suggesting things but have my phone with me on record to have evidence of the offer of help and her response. So that when she turns it back on you and says but you didn't care and you didn't help, you can play it to her.

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