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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why the HV feels it’s okay to say this...?

81 replies

CarrieBlu · 02/08/2018 20:38

Had my DC2 a few weeks ago, all going well for both of us. However, in each visit I have had since with the Health Visitor, she keeps on saying to me “have you sorted contraception yet? Otherwise you’ll end up in this situation again” and it’s really starting to annoy me. It makes it sound like my pregnancy with DC2 was some sort of accident (it wasn’t, she was planned and very much wanted). After all, what if I wanted to fall pregnant again soon, and have another child with a small age gap, how is that any of her business? Why does she see falling pregnant again as such a negative thing? Maybe I don’t mind “ending up in this situation again”

I know I’m probably BU, I just came away from our appointment today feeling annoyed and needed a little rant.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 02/08/2018 20:39

That's such a good point op.

anotherangel2 · 02/08/2018 20:41

Because it will be on her check list of things to ask.
Lots of people falsely believe breast feeding is a reliable contraception.

Belindabauer · 02/08/2018 20:42

My dc are older but I remember the health visitor asking me the same thing every time she visited.
I think it's because you are very fertile after giving birth and contraception probably isn't on the foremost of your mind.
I had a friend who by the time she went to the doctors to get contraception was pregnant.
I'm sure this is a regular occurance.

redexpat · 02/08/2018 20:43

I think this falls in the category of someone doing her job but quite clumsily.

agnurse · 02/08/2018 20:45

It is usually something to ask because indeed, breastfeeding isn't always completely reliable. Your chances of conception are 1-2% IF:

your baby has been breastfed exclusively from birth, AND
baby has only ever had breastmilk, no solids, AND
baby is under 6 months of age, AND
you haven't gotten your period yet.

I have heard of anecdotal cases where mothers came for a 6-week postpartum checkup only for it to turn into an initial antenatal!

dementedpixie · 02/08/2018 20:45

You can be fertile from 21 days after birth. Probably isn't good for the body to be pregnant again so soon.

Scabetty · 02/08/2018 20:45

Well tell her I want to get pregnant again then.

eurochick · 02/08/2018 20:46

She's right to ask. She's wrong to ask in the way you state as it sounds judgmental.

Snipples · 02/08/2018 20:48

I think you're being a bit sensitive tbh. It's fine to ask and she's right, you should avoid pregnancy for a while. It's not healthy to have another pregnancy so soon after giving birth. My own doc told me to wait 18-24 months only yesterday.

GreenMeerkat · 02/08/2018 20:48

I had the same thing after my second (18 month gap). I think they are just concerned about pregnancy so soon after the first, in my case especially anyway as I'd had 2 sections so one straight after wouldn't have been ideal (pregnant now but 3.5 years later).

She could have put it across in a better way though.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 02/08/2018 20:49

I agree that this is a reasonable question put in a completely unreasonable way - not only does it make it sound like your child was unplanned, it also makes it sound like you don't know what contraception does! She could ask the same question about contraception without any of that, and should.

tangoed2 · 02/08/2018 20:49

It sounds like the OP isn't annoyed by the HV asking about contraception, it's the added bit where she implies the op didn't plan her second child just because there's a small gap!

OP next time she says "otherwise you'll end up in this situation again" I would ask her what she means and let her clarify, you can then tell her how you feel.

CandaceMariePratt · 02/08/2018 20:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 02/08/2018 20:55

I imagine the "end up in this situation again" thing is just her patter, no implication of anything.
Asking about contraception is one of the things she will be required to do
I always found it totally condescending, what with being an adult who has managed her own fertility for 20 years, but easiest thing is to say "All sorted thanks". None of her business what or how.

IceCreamFace · 02/08/2018 20:55

It's an insensitive way of putting it but as a healthcare professional she's going to discourage you from having another within 6 months (especially if your eldest is also young) because it puts you and the baby at increased risks of various issues.

gindrinkingmarypoppins · 02/08/2018 21:01

Oh well. If the cuts continue you can wave goodbye to health visitors and the fantastically underrated support they give to new parents.

Shednik · 02/08/2018 21:02

This really pissed me off after my children were born.

And exclusive breastfeeding of a baby under six months who is feeding at least every 3 hours is as reliable as other contraception.

Dreamingofkfc · 02/08/2018 21:05

The HV said same to me after my first and seemed very shocked when I said actually we would like another fairly soon so wouldnt be sorting anything other than condoms. It's just part of their checklist but bloody annoying. And with this pregnancy they came to see me and asked how I was feeling about the pregnancy....erm just cos it's my third, it's not an accident!

Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2018 21:10

""And exclusive breastfeeding of a baby under six months who is feeding at least every 3 hours is as reliable as other contraception.""

How so, when Women from Countries/times were they have to BF (or rather used to), they had 10/11 month age gaps?

It should be asked in an Adult way and the dangers of resuming a sex live too early, being explained.

Menolly · 02/08/2018 21:14

All you need to say to her is 'yes i have' or 'no, I don't want contraception' then she can tick that box and doesn't have to ask you anymore.

atomicfission · 02/08/2018 21:14

I never had this. I was told that I didn't need to worry about contraception yet and should just ask about contraception at my 6 week check, which I did, but then it took a couple more months of queuing in the system before I was actually given any contraception (I couldn't just revert to my pre-conception contraception because it's incompatible with breastfeeding). As I've always struggled with condoms, it basically meant no sex for the first few months. Can't pretend sex was uppermost on my mind, but I'd like to have the option. So on balance, despite your HV's very clumsy language, at least she's trying to give you the options you need. I agree her phrasing is pretty crap though. Congratulations on your baby anyway!

LaurieMarlow · 02/08/2018 21:16

They do seem obsessed with contraception. It was all my GP was interested in at the 6 week check. I didn't like to say that sex was the last thing on my mind.

Mind you, the midwife had a 'pregnant at the 6 week check' story, so I guess it happens.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2018 21:17

Poorly phrased. My GP was very insistent that you should wait a year before ttc to give your body a chance to recover.

Original poster

CarrieBlu · 02/08/2018 21:17

Thanks for all the responses, you all have valid points, and as I said in my original post, I know I’m probably being a bit unreasonable (and yes, it’s probably because I’m a hormonal and over sensitive diva at the moment )

Tangoed is correct that I don’t mind being asked about contraception at all, it’s the added comment of not wanting to be in that situation again that gives me the rage . I chose to be in ‘that situation’ and I’m mighty happy with the result

She does seem to have an odd/clumsy way of putting things though. When asking about whether we owned or rented our property, I told her that we owned it and she said “I thought the houses in this street were Housing Association? Bit bloody cheeky for them to let you buy one - takes it away from those who need it more”. Our street is new build and a mixture of Housing Association, part-ownership and outright ownership properties - I had thought this set up with new estates was fairly common and found that comment really bizarre too!

Not taking away from the amazing work that Health Visitors and other NHS staff do though; I have been full of praise to anyone who will listen about the staff who delivered and cared for our daughter in hospital and since our discharge - and this HV does a good and thorough job. But the way she puts certain things are definitely clumsy at times!

OP posts:

sola82 · 02/08/2018 21:19

Oh well. If the cuts continue you can wave goodbye to health visitors and the fantastically underrated support they give to new parents.

I gave birth in April and had no midwife visits and 1 visit from the HV. I checked in my older DS's red book from 2011 and I had 3 midwife visits and 5 HV visits. Apparently it's a pilot scheme they're planning on rolling out across England.

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