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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why the HV feels it’s okay to say this...?

81 replies

CarrieBlu · 02/08/2018 20:38

Had my DC2 a few weeks ago, all going well for both of us. However, in each visit I have had since with the Health Visitor, she keeps on saying to me “have you sorted contraception yet? Otherwise you’ll end up in this situation again” and it’s really starting to annoy me. It makes it sound like my pregnancy with DC2 was some sort of accident (it wasn’t, she was planned and very much wanted). After all, what if I wanted to fall pregnant again soon, and have another child with a small age gap, how is that any of her business? Why does she see falling pregnant again as such a negative thing? Maybe I don’t mind “ending up in this situation again” Hmm

I know I’m probably BU, I just came away from our appointment today feeling annoyed and needed a little rant.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/08/2018 21:20

They are fucking obsessed with us not getting pregnant again. Couldn't get any support on any of the basics but handed leaflet after leaflet on contraception options. Really pissed me off.

NC4T · 02/08/2018 21:20

Actually natural term breastfeeding without soothers, top ups etc tends to result in a 2-3 year age gap, which is what you will commonly see in places where this is routine (my experience is in rural Uganda).

Mousefunky · 02/08/2018 21:24

I had a missed miscarriage last year at 11 weeks and chose medical management in hospital which led to me hemorrhaging, almost dying and needing emergency surgery.

The following morning a nasty consultant walked in to a very shocked, despondent and emotional me and basically told me to “sort contraception so this didn’t happen again”. I wanted to hit her.

I don’t think it’s any of their business tbh. It’s nice to check with you whether you want some contraception after birth but if you say no, they should just leave it at that. Many people don’t want to have sex that soon after giving birth ffs.

Crunchymum · 02/08/2018 21:26

Out of interest OP, what is your age gap between children?..

Having a 10 month old and a newborn is quite a different "situation" to having a 3 year old and newborn.

museumum · 02/08/2018 21:27

The women I know with the smallest gaps have had some issues with spd and or ongoing joint pain and hip problems. It can seem nice to have a small age gap but can also have long term implications.

SheepyFun · 02/08/2018 21:29

When I was in hospital having DD, the midwives gave the woman opposite a real lecture (which we all got to hear) on getting contraception sorted out. I then asked one of them what forms of contraception were suitable for breastfeeding, and she said she couldn't tell me, I'd have to ask the doctor at my 6 week check. Which, as many others have pointed out, is too late. It was the combination of a lecture on the need for contraception, but the lack of information as to what would work which really got me.

Chickychoccyegg · 02/08/2018 21:32

I was asked to give a urine sample at all 3 of my 6 week checks so the Dr could do a pregnancy test, hv always has to ask about contraception,it a on their checklist of things yo ask, she's just either went about it clumsily or has a different sense of humour to you

Original poster
CarrieBlu · 02/08/2018 21:35

@crunchymum 18 months between my two, which I didn’t think was a particularly small age gap really. I know plenty of families with similar age gaps between their DC.

I’m not actually planning another baby in the next few months, I just find her way of putting things a bit rude and condescending.

I do appreciate having babies close together can cause issues for some women and that’s why they’re so hot on the issue of contraception. I had a really easy and issue free pregnancy and birth for DC2 so luckily, there were no concerns for me on that front and I would probably go for a similar age gap again in the future. So I don’t mind being asked about contraception, I just resent the implication that my second pregnancy was anything less than a positive event, especially as I’ve told her it was planned!

OP posts:
NotGoodAtMakingFriends · 02/08/2018 21:37

I wonder if Sue Radford's health visitor tells her to get contraception sorted so that she 'doesn't end up in this situation again'?

Butterflykissess · 02/08/2018 21:40

I bf every hour used no formula or dummies, coslept and still got pregnant almost immediately after my dd. I mean they are born exactly a year apart (plus 3 days!) people mistake them for twins. I love him to bits but he wasnt planned as I had wrongly read you couldnt get pregnant whilst bf! So I can see where she is coming from, its just advice.

ToadsforJustice · 02/08/2018 21:42

I for one won't miss any HV. Not sure why renting or owning
your home is any business of hers. I wouldn't be happy answering any questions of that nature.

A MW asked me two days after DS1 was born if I thought about contraception. I was bleeding, sat on a rubber ring, my bruised arse soaked in witch hazel. The last thing on my mind was sex, strangely enough.

My GP also said he wouldn't be happy if I became pregnant within the year. I told him that I didn't (a) didn't need or seek his permission or (b) didn't want or need his approval.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 02/08/2018 21:43

Dd is 8 weeks, I've been asked the same thing by every hv and midwife I've seen since.

Annoyingly though when I was being discharged from hospital, the midwife asked, dh said he was planning a vasectomy because I'd had 2 emergency sections so it was his turn and she said "oh don't do that, there is a 20 percent chance of erectile dysfunction"...

Mammyofasuperbaby · 02/08/2018 21:48

I was so sick of being asked by everyone I saw, the midwives, hv, consultants, drs and the neonatal team. I wouldn't have minded if they asked nicely but they were rude and one told me that she didn't want to see me in 9 months again.
Funnily enough I had just had a premature birth via emcs, my DS was in hospital and I was recovering from near death myself so sex was the last thing on my mind.
I got into the habit of saying " that's between dp and myself, thank you very much" it always shut them up

toomuchtooold · 02/08/2018 21:49

I remember that question in an early HV visit... she said something along the lines of it not being good for mother or babies for the age gap to be too small... and then followed my gaze to my sleeping twins. Yeah that ship kind of sailed Grin
I'd also, IDK if it would have been in my notes, but I'd conceived by IVF with genetic testing after recurrent miscarriage so the dangers of getting pregnant naturally were quite a lot higher than she was guessing and something I was extremely aware of...

EmeraldVillage · 02/08/2018 21:51

Message is OK, language is clumsy. I would assume that "in this situation" she means holding a newborn as opposed to "in this terrible mess". But there are better ways of saying this.

I remember medical staff mentioning contraception within days of birth and at that point you want to laugh in their face and say "don't worry, I'm never having sex ever again". But my GP said that they see a fair number of women who get accidentally pregnant soon after giving birth because they don't sort out contraceptive.

Jux · 02/08/2018 21:53

Tell her that you're hoping for twins.

SamanthaH92 · 02/08/2018 21:57

The HV hasn't said anything to me but the midwife did before she signed me off. She said you are most fertile in the 3rd week after birth so to use condoms if we had sex and to let my body recover from the c section. Obviously we aren't DTD yet (as much as i want to!), far to early as only just been 2 weeks! They have to tell you though about contraception etc. Its part of their job but the HV could of put it better.

Iwantaunicorn · 02/08/2018 21:58

Apparently they ask if you rent or own because if the house isn’t up to standard (whatever that means!) they can try to bully the landlord on your behalf.

I don’t remember being questioned at all about contraception, (I did get shoved a leaflet and questioned by my dr) but my twins are ivf so maybe they just assumed it couldn’t happen for me?

Your HV does sound a bit clumsy with her words, and YANBU, I’d be pissed off too!

Igorina · 02/08/2018 21:58

Reply that the Lord our God forbids such sinful things then smile stupidly.

Or "No way, we plan to be famous - Just like the Duggars!"

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/08/2018 22:04

OP smile brightly and say, "no need for contraception - just had a positive pregnancy test this morning!"

Original poster
CarrieBlu · 02/08/2018 22:10

@Iwantaunicorn

I hope she didn’t ask that question because she thought our house wasn’t up to scratch, it’s only a year old and I’m sure we haven’t trashed it that much in that time BlushGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrieBlu · 02/08/2018 22:11

Loving the suggestions for future responses Grin

OP posts:
SummerIsEasy · 02/08/2018 22:12

Dinosauratemydaffodils

The erectile dysfunction issue is real. It was not generally pointed out to men planning a vasectomy in the past and I guess if it had been fewer men might have opted for the procedure.

Gorrillagirlfanclub · 02/08/2018 22:12

I think it is a standard thing for them to ask. I'm sure they do it because people think breast feeding is reliable contraception. However the way she asked would piss me off. It sounds judgemental and does imply you've found yourself in this situation, rather than planning your family. I'd politely say something like I didn't find myself in this situation I planned this child. She probably thinks she's just being informal.

Also I think that at this time you're allowed to be oversensitive! So be kind to yourself.

Igorina · 02/08/2018 22:21

I once had a HV ask about domestic violence while DH was sitting beside me on the sofa. When I said "Erm, no" she replied "Oh good so he doesn't hit you or anything?.

I did gently point out that a woman in that sort of situation is very unlikely to answer that honestly with their abuser sitting beside them.

Some of them are lovely and some are just useless box tickers.