To cut off my adult son, make him homeless and stop facilitating access to his DC's

[Onestepbeyondtheedge]

I am a long time member and have name changed for this.

I have five DC's all adults, eldest three have DC of their own. Eldest son has messed up over and over again, he's 37 has four DC, eldest he has no contact with, two 8 & 7 from long term relationship who live close to us and he has been in their lives from day one but is at times unreliable and let's them down separated from their dm for five years, youngest is almost 1, dm is 21 immature, needy and prone to drama.
I have always been supportive to DS, he was a difficult teenager, drank and took drugs from an early age, not helped by going into an industry where drinking and drug taking are rife. I felt guilty because I split from his f, ds has always blamed me for his problems.
When he split with his long term partner five years ago I paid for rehab/counselling, offered him a job opportunity and allowed him to move into a property I owned.
He chose to stay in his original profession but made a huge effort with the dc, got into a steady relationship with the mother of his youngest dc but gradually fell into a pattern of binge drinking, not going to AA meetings, not paying rent, letting dc down etc etc.
Two years ago he asked for help, he was trying to end his relationship but she kept threatening suicide, begging to come back etc.
He moved home, we went on holiday and on our return his oh had also moved in and was pregnant. He didn't want the baby, she did and again they both moved into one of my properties as tennants. The baby arrived and four months later she left, she has relied on him a lot for babysitting so that she can go out and recently to go to work.
He owes me thousands of pounds in rent, loans and handouts we (me and DH of 20yr) recently took him and the dcs on holiday, on return he disappeared and it has become apparent that he got drunk, lost his job and I don't have a clue where he is.
I can't do this anymore, we had already agreed that he would move out of our home this month but both mothers have said he can't have dcs overnight unless it's here which we agreed to.
AIBU to go back on this agreement and kick him out because I can't cope with the stress anymore, he pays for nothing when he's here and expects my carers (I'm disabled) to clean up after him, do his washing, he takes food without asking, doesn't buy nappies, milk or food for the bloody cat he gave to eldest dc for her birthday which has ended up in my house.
I feel absolutely broken, apparently he is calling in later to collect some stuff which usually means he wants money.
I'm absolutely broken by him - the other four dc all have jobs, homes etc even the youngest who has a debilitating health condition lives independently.
We will continue to have the eldest dgc after school once a week and for regular sleepovers and already help out with childcare one day a week for the baby and will have him overnight when he is a little older.
It would be interesting to get some independent views/criticism.

I think this is fair enough. I think at this stage you prioritise your grand children. You have given him so much at it has not helped.

I speak as the ex-wife of a very similar sounding man. My dc will not now him or his mother because she refuses to accept his addiction issues.

I think it is much better for everyone and you have had too much of this.

I think it’s the right thing to do.
If I was one of your other DC I’d resent the money and time you invested in him.

It sounds pretty hellish for everyone including his dc. Write off the money, it’s never coming. He needs to take responsibility for his life. Saying that, if I’ve read it correctly the youngest partner was 16 when he was 32?

It sounds like he is not helping himself. Maybe enough is enough.

Is he likely to get angry or violent if you don’t give him money? If so make sure you have someone with you.

I have a DB who is similar, after many many years of supporting him I now feel like I am aiding and abetting him to continue with the lifestyle he chooses at considerable cost to everyone else around him. I have decided enough is enough, time he dealt with the consequences of his decisions himself.
So on that basis I think you have been more than reasonable and this is the only option he has left you with now.

I would cut him off, and communicate with the mothers of his kids so you can have them sometimes and build a relationship with them.hes a looking disgrace!

I think your DS may be struggling over what happened when he was a child. I'm wondering if your other DC have the same dad as you oldest DS? Did he have a good relationship with both you and his DF growing up? Is he DF in contact and supportive of him?

That aside, he IS 37 years old, and it's time for him to accept that whilst things may have happened growing up that were less than ideal, he needs to sort himself out. No-one can rewind the clock, he has to move on and deal with his feelings of blame. This means accepting he needs help possibly but adult mental health is way oversubscribed and he may not get it via NHS. I know you've tried counselling before etc, but he has to know that he wants to change, it's not a magic wand, and he needs to put the (emotional) work in to do that.

I think the best thing you can do is gradually phase out the material support you give him. Be there for him, tell him you love him, and you would like to see him settled and at peace with himself, but that's it.

Okay but I think you'll have to get the locks changed. Also bear in mind that if he's behind with utility bills etc, you might start getting letters from debt collectors so do be aware of that.

Thanks everyone,

I will try and answer points raised and then update you.

Yes there is a huge age difference between DS and his most recent ex, she was 19 when he started seeing her casually and 20 when she got pregnant. Her family have known him for years and although not jumping for joy were accepting of him. She quickly became needy and I think he lacked the emotional maturity to deal with her, ultimately her response to him trying to move on was to get pregnant. I had so many conversations with her about the reality of having a child with him but she went ahead anyway.

Eldest three dc have the same f, he was physically violent and yes it is the root of some of his issues as was h 2 who is f of two younger dc and was emotionally/financially abusive. All the dc had extensive counselling post my split from second h. We lived very happily as a spf for five years before I met dh by which time ds had left home but has always been made welcome by DH who has a good relationship with him.

No contact with his f since he was 8 apart from one brief meeting arranged by dd four years ago. It didn't go well, ds walked out after less than five minutes because his most vivid memory of his f is him beating me with a baseball bat.

He's not likely to be violent ever, quite the opposite. He has returned the keys already.

He has asked to stay until the 20th of this month, he has somewhere to go after that (not sure if I believe him) have told him that he can't stay after that, so has dh. He is accepting but not apologetic.

He also knows that unless he changes his share of my estate will go to his dc minus a sum to account for what he owes me, if he changes so will the provisions of my will.

Techtonic, I have a number of rental properties so I'm more than used to dealing with the occasional bad tenant who leaves unpaid bills behind.

He's your DS. You can't give up on him. Sounds like his issues are due to abusive men you got involved with.

I know it’s irrelevent to your question but you’ve got a horrible attitude towards the mother of your grandchild.

she has relied on him a lot for babysitting
It’s his own child, it’s not babysitting!

Calling her immature... She’s barely out of her teens!

her response to him trying to move on was to get pregnant
You realise how pregnancy works, right? She won’t have just decided to get pregnant, he will have had a part in it. He can be responsible for his own contraception.

He's your DS. You can't give up on him. Sounds like his issues are due to abusive men you got involved with.

Wow, yes, let’s blame the victim!

OP, I think you need to stand firm and say no to him. Tbh, I wouldn’t let him stay til 20th. Where is he staying now? He can damn well stay there til 20th. You’ve been more than patient and tolerant with him.

OP l know you feel like you have reached the end of your tether but the abuse your DS was witness to is horrific. It must have had a really traumatic effect on him. I feel extremely sad for you all. I don't know what the answer is but he needs help , he has relapsed which a lot of addicts do and he may need further therapy . As for your will, how can you treat him any differently to your other DC ? I do not think that is right at all.

More than 1 victim in DV. Kids are ALSO victims.

I wouldn't ever give up on him but I do think you need to consider 1) how much you can give and who deserves it most and 2) that whatever help you can spare him doesn't end up enabling his bad behaviour.

With that in mind I'd prioritise your GC - it's wonderful you're helping them and that they have you in their lives. I don't think you should provide DS with housing or money. Let him know you love him and will help him if he helps himself but this help will not be financial and he can't stay in your home.

Please don't cut him off, but do stop giving him handouts.
I'm sorry you're going through this.💐

Hottotrot I'm not giving up on him but what I've been doing so far isn't working if I don't do something different neither will he. Yes I got involved with abusive men I was 17 when I had ds and his father beat and raped me for years, I transitioned from him to someone just as bad in my early 20's had another dc and split with him before we'd been married a year. I felt such shame and failure that I maintained an on off relationship with him for years resulting in my youngest dc. Not healthy and no doubt contributing to ds issues but I have been in a stable and loving relationship with a wonderful man who has shown all of my dc what a healthy relationship and loving home looks and feels like. I'm now disabled, have done my parenting of teenagers and young adults and can't do the lying awake at night, worrying, bailing out, financial support anymore, it's only making the problem worse.

Pippi yes I'm very aware that I come across as harsh on the mother of youngest dgc, she has admitted that she got pregnant deliberately, it's a shitty thing to do. My ds knows how I feel about what he did but she lied about being on the pill.
The babysitting I referred to was in addition to having the baby three nights a week, call me old fashioned but I don't think she should be going out getting drunk and having one night stands when she has a young baby.
I'm actually very supportive, have written off the debt she owes me, stay on good terms with her, buy clothes etc for the baby, look after dgc one day a week, and my dh has been to rescue dgc in the middle of the night twice when she has had random men at her flat and was too drunk to care for him. She's messed up but that's not my responsibility. I also stand by and watch the cycle of her telling ds she wants to get back together with him, leading him on and then dumping him, it's a toxic relationship.

If you haven’t already, you may find Al-Anon helpful. They aren’t for everyone but it was incredible to have a group of people who knew exactly what it was like to have your life centred around an addict, when I was with my ex-husband. The lies, the gaslighting, constantly being on edge wondering what disaster is going to happen next. There is really nothing you can do but “detach with love” which does not mean you abandon the alcoholic, but does mean that you stop trying to fix them and stop allowing your life to be all about them.

I agree with IceCream, he’s your son, so you should try to avoid giving up on him, but he has to face the fact that he can’t have his children to stay overnight, until he has sorted himself out. Perhaps the fear of this will propel him to getting help and staying sober. Tell him you’ll always be there to support him, but that you can’t keep giving him financial help, although I would allow him to stay until 20th, so that he isn’t immediately homeless. Could you accompany him to a doctor’s/social worker/alcohol support worker appointment? Or even Citizens Advice, so at least he has steps to follow to help him back on track.

YANBU - hopefully being homeless will give him the kick up the backside he needs.

You absolutely need to stop enabling your adult son. Withdrawing financial support is the best thing to do.
However if the mother of your youngest GC is getting drunk whilst caring for her baby you also need to notify social services so they can take appropriate action.

Mrsmad yes it was traumatic for all of us, all dc had years of counselling and support. Sadly it's not just a question of relapse it's not wanting to change. If I don't do something different neither will he. On the question of my will, he will be treated differently because he behaves differently, he is fully aware of my will and in total agreement if he turns his life around it will be revisited. He has benefited from more money, time, attention and input than any of the other dc to the point where they have started to resent him.

Hottotrot yes I know he was a victim, we all were. I'm the victim of a shitty childhood full of neglect and abuse in a nice middle class home from two shit parents at least my kids had one parent who tried her best to give them a home that was loving and caring.

Moth thanks I'm not well enough to attend alanon meetings and to be honest AA has done my son no favours, he's not dependent on alcohol we were away for almost two weeks, all dcs and dgc and he was perfectly lovely, he makes bad choices when he is challenged emotionally. I've had years of listening to him tell me he has no control, but he does have control when he wants to.

Holy we didn't kick him out tonight, I think picking himself up from being homeless would be impossible, I've worked with homeless people and my fear would be that he would end up dead or in prison.

Tomato her own parents are fully aware of her risk taking behaviour, we are all doing our best to support her.

Yanbu. If he's being housed for sod all, it shouldn't be to your detriment, and, if anything, he should be making your life easier, in return.

As for his children, he should be bending over backwards for them, but you can't be held responsible for that.

she got pregnant deliberately, it's a shitty thing to do. My ds knows how I feel about what he did but she lied about being on the pill.
Bollocks! If he didn't want more kids, he wears condom. He isn't a hapless victim who was tricked by the nasty teenager, he is a full grown man who knows how to control his own fertility.