To cut off my adult son, make him homeless and stop facilitating access to his DC's

[Onestepbeyondtheedge]

I am a long time member and have name changed for this.

I have five DC's all adults, eldest three have DC of their own. Eldest son has messed up over and over again, he's 37 has four DC, eldest he has no contact with, two 8 & 7 from long term relationship who live close to us and he has been in their lives from day one but is at times unreliable and let's them down separated from their dm for five years, youngest is almost 1, dm is 21 immature, needy and prone to drama.
I have always been supportive to DS, he was a difficult teenager, drank and took drugs from an early age, not helped by going into an industry where drinking and drug taking are rife. I felt guilty because I split from his f, ds has always blamed me for his problems.
When he split with his long term partner five years ago I paid for rehab/counselling, offered him a job opportunity and allowed him to move into a property I owned.
He chose to stay in his original profession but made a huge effort with the dc, got into a steady relationship with the mother of his youngest dc but gradually fell into a pattern of binge drinking, not going to AA meetings, not paying rent, letting dc down etc etc.
Two years ago he asked for help, he was trying to end his relationship but she kept threatening suicide, begging to come back etc.
He moved home, we went on holiday and on our return his oh had also moved in and was pregnant. He didn't want the baby, she did and again they both moved into one of my properties as tennants. The baby arrived and four months later she left, she has relied on him a lot for babysitting so that she can go out and recently to go to work.
He owes me thousands of pounds in rent, loans and handouts we (me and DH of 20yr) recently took him and the dcs on holiday, on return he disappeared and it has become apparent that he got drunk, lost his job and I don't have a clue where he is.
I can't do this anymore, we had already agreed that he would move out of our home this month but both mothers have said he can't have dcs overnight unless it's here which we agreed to.
AIBU to go back on this agreement and kick him out because I can't cope with the stress anymore, he pays for nothing when he's here and expects my carers (I'm disabled) to clean up after him, do his washing, he takes food without asking, doesn't buy nappies, milk or food for the bloody cat he gave to eldest dc for her birthday which has ended up in my house.
I feel absolutely broken, apparently he is calling in later to collect some stuff which usually means he wants money.
I'm absolutely broken by him - the other four dc all have jobs, homes etc even the youngest who has a debilitating health condition lives independently.
We will continue to have the eldest dgc after school once a week and for regular sleepovers and already help out with childcare one day a week for the baby and will have him overnight when he is a little older.
It would be interesting to get some independent views/criticism.

she got pregnant deliberately, it's a shitty thing to do. My ds knows how I feel about what he did but she lied about being on the pill.

WHAT???
Your son is 37 not 17, perfectly capable of remembering to wear a condom or get a snip if he doesn't want to father any more children.

Your attitude stinks towards the mother of your youngest dc.

It's never babysitting by a father....its parenting.

If he didn't want a child dont have sex or he should have used protection.

Stop absolving him of responsibility. Perhaps that's why he is how he is.

I would suggest you tell him you cannot give him any more money. You have done your best to support him finacially but he is an adult now- can''t he get some sort of government support? I am not saying you need to cut him off as your son- just stop giving him money as it is putting an unfair strain on you.

I witnesed my father being very violent to my mother and sibling. Mostly he was emotionally and verbally abusive but just occasionally he would lash out in violence and we were often afraid of him, so I do symapthise. You can be there foe him maybe in other ways, but you can;t fight his demons for him.

Thank you all for your replies, I'm sorry that some of you have taken some of my comments out of context, you seem to have missed the bits where I explain just how much support I give to both the mothers of these dgc.
You are absolutely correct that my son is more than capable of controlling his own fertility, he was however in a relationship with someone who he thought he could trust completely. He didn't have a vasectomy because he always hoped that one day he would be in a position to settle in a relationship and provide a stable family unit for his dc and hadn't discounted the possibility of another child.

When his youngest child was conceived he had moved home for help with his addictions and mental health, given up his tenancy and was working at paying off his debts. It absolutely shouldn't have happened and it's the responsibility of both of them. For what it's worth I didn't go easy on him over the conception but he has stepped up and supports financially and practically. The week before we went on holiday my son had the baby for two days, three nights, we had him for two days and his other grandparents had him for one day and two nights. Mum has lots and lots of support from all of us, eats here at least three times a week, I'm trying to teach her how to cook and her parents pay for someone to clean her apartment twice a week. She openly admits she deliberately got pregnant and that she wishes she hadn't, the novelty of having a cute little baby has long since worn off and she openly voices regret but we all support her regardless.
He can be a good father which is why I'm agonising over this situation.

He doesn't need government handouts as he works most of the time.

Sorry but I think the horrible relationships/men that you were with in the past are the largest factors that have influenced his life imo. His vision of a healthy relationship is warped as he was exposed to severe DV in his family home during childhood, which has clearly affected him to this day. It probably ties into his drink/drug dependency. It’s not minor or something to think he should be over because he’s 37, it sounds like he never properly recovered (when he was younger) from the emotional trauma of what he saw and went on a wrong path. I don’t think this is the time to kick him out, but support him as he clearly needs counselling or something to help put him back on track. Surely he would be motivated by his children - so they don’t have to live a stressful childhood as he did. He clearly doesn’t have a healthy motivation to better his life, or even care for his life it seems.

Obviously you know him best so do you think making him homeless will be the kick he needs to get back on track? Because I feel like he’ll only get worse

It's a shame that he had such a hard start in life but at 37 he is well past old enough to take some personal responsibility. He's far from a little boy.
He really needs to stop fathering children!

On one hand, I would say that a very difficult background that you must feel responsible for (probably more responsible than you are) has then been compounded by banning him nearly into his forties, and I can't see his life starting afresh and picking up too well at this point if made homeless etc.

On the other hand, people do need to eventually take responsibility for themselves and own their choices. 37 is late but it's not TOO late, I would say his road to independence should start sooner rather than later at this point.

Im sure you have considered/tried ways of "weaning him off" your help rather than cutting him off completely, and only you know what is best on that score, but you may have to be more drastic. Either way it's to your credit that you haven't given up on him for all these years, and if you do have to cut the apron strings I hope you can do it in such a way that he understands why it has to happen (even if it takes him years to process/understand that) and i hope it doesn't involve too much drama and heartache.

Bollocks! If he didn't want more kids, he wears condom. He isn't a hapless victim who was tricked by the nasty teenager, he is a full grown man who knows how to control his own fertility.

That's true, but in the instance where one half of a couple deliberately subverts agreed upon contraception, you can't blame the other person for not knowing that.

Carrying, not banning

Namechange I don't doubt for one moment that his father is the root of his problems but it is impossible to force him to have counselling, we have been trying for several years. He was just five when I split from his violent father and have been in a loving, healthy relationship with my DH for 20 years.
I just can't cope with the stress anymore, my life is difficult because I'm disabled and suffering from cancer, I'm in a wheelchair and need help with almost every aspect of daily life.
I'm tired and don't want to use up every ounce of energy I have supporting my almost 40 year old son.
We have agreed to let him stay until the 20th, no more handouts, no more using my careers to clean up after him - but I can hardly take his mobile phone away if he isn't compliant can I?

He knows how much we love him, he knows he has the potential to have a good life but for whatever reason he isn't motivated to change which is why I need to do something differently.

Max thank you, yes I agree with you he needs to steer well clear of relationships until he has sorted his shit out.

OP he is lucky to have you as a mother.

Personally I would cut the financial umbilical cord, he is 37 and an adult who will not take responsibility for his mistakes or life.

The only way he is going to grow up is if you stop supporting him. Of course he is going to use emotional blackmail. But you need to be strong and stand your ground.

Does not mean you won't be there for him just means you as no longer enabling him.

He's your DS. You can't give up on him. Sounds like his issues are due to abusive men you got involved with.

It's not giving up on him to stop babying him. Bailing him out of his mistakes hasn't worked, it's just allowed him to keep fucking up.

If this were my child, I'd offer as much love and support as would be accepted, but I would not be giving money or providing accommodation. Preventing him from learning to live independently is not kindness.

Yes this man's experiences as a child have helped shape him. I'm sure OP does bear some responsibility- no parent is perfect, but he is 37. He has been responsible for his own choices for years.

IamA thank you, when we spoke last night he doesn't disagree with any of our proposals, he is heartbroken about not being able to have the dcs overnight and realises that he needs to change. He doesn't argue, shout or get angry - it's absolutely heartbreaking.
He has an older and younger sibling who have had the same upbringing and have families, jobs and stable lives it provides a constant reminder for him of what might have been and hopefully what could be.

I've just had the mum of youngest dgc on the phone telling me that if I don't let him stay here none of us are seeing dgc ever again.
I would just like to go for my hospital appointment today and be able to concentrate on my health not the drama of other people's lives.

He sounds like he carries on like this as for some reason you are taking responsibility. He's spoiled addict. What he needs is to be cut off completely to sort out his own mess.

He obviously knows how best to manipulate you to get his own way

Beaver thank you, he doesn't use emotional blackmail, he understands exactly where I'm coming from it just seems to be making that last step and making the changes in lifestyle with the right support.
I can't be that support.

Donquix I don't disagree with anything you've said.

Subtle yes I feel responsible, he's my son. My sense of responsibility has added to the problem.

Concentrate on your relationship with your grandchildren

If he wants to see them well he will have to get his shot together

I would not cut him out of your life, but I would immediately stop all financial contributions, you have been so generous and so kind for so long, and it clearly isn't helping him.

Lots of us have very difficult childhoods op, we don't all turn into your ds I am sorry to say.

I would continue and if anything increase the support and help you give your gc, and if he can't take care of his children overnight then he will have to just see them during the day. This is not your problem, it is his problem that he needs to solve.

No more money, no more free houses, no more handouts. It is time for him to step up and be responsible for himself and his children. Whilst he has you as a safety net he is never going to do this.

And if I am being totally honest he doesn't sound that different from the financial abuse/emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of his father. He is abusing your kindness, abusing your love and abusing your right to a peaceful life.

I am glad you are stopping this now, he may be your son, but he is an adult and does not have the right to ruin your life like this.

Mineis thank you for the kind words

I wouldn't change your mind because the mother of the youngest children is issuing threats. That is outrageous.

I would say to her your door is also open to the children they can stay with you as before, but he is moving out. She only cares about the lack of childcare now available to her, utterly selfish.

Stand your ground op.

Finding it difficult to stand my ground this morning as dgc has literally been left on the doorstep in his buggy as his dm disappeared out of the gate saying she's going away for a long weekend with her mates so I will have to look after him.
I've had to cancel my hospital appointment, ds is working and not answering his phone, her parents are on holiday. Poor dgc my heart just breaks for him, my dh is playing golf until this afternoon and is supposed to be having a day out with dsd tomorrow. I have no carers at the weekend and can't even pick him up without help.
His dm has warned me by text that if I let ds look after him this will be the last time we ever see him.
I feel utterly broken.

Bollocks! If he didn't want more kids, he wears condom. He isn't a hapless victim who was tricked by the nasty teenager, he is a full grown man who knows how to control his own fertility.

If a man poked a hole in a condom in order to get someone pregnant who didn't want to be, I wonder how many posters here would respond by criticising her for not controlling her own fertility.

And where in any of this are any of your family thinking about you OP. Time they did!
Can you seek support?

Onestep you have done more than you should have I cant believe some people on here saying its your fault. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves at some point and this man is nearly 40 - enough is enough. I agree entirely with your plan.

Is there a friend who could come over to help until your DH gets home? BTW don't be blackmailed by the mother of the youngest grandchild - she's behaving no better than your son; get in touch with her parents and tell them what she's up to.