To cut off my adult son, make him homeless and stop facilitating access to his DC's

[Onestepbeyondtheedge]

I am a long time member and have name changed for this.

I have five DC's all adults, eldest three have DC of their own. Eldest son has messed up over and over again, he's 37 has four DC, eldest he has no contact with, two 8 & 7 from long term relationship who live close to us and he has been in their lives from day one but is at times unreliable and let's them down separated from their dm for five years, youngest is almost 1, dm is 21 immature, needy and prone to drama.
I have always been supportive to DS, he was a difficult teenager, drank and took drugs from an early age, not helped by going into an industry where drinking and drug taking are rife. I felt guilty because I split from his f, ds has always blamed me for his problems.
When he split with his long term partner five years ago I paid for rehab/counselling, offered him a job opportunity and allowed him to move into a property I owned.
He chose to stay in his original profession but made a huge effort with the dc, got into a steady relationship with the mother of his youngest dc but gradually fell into a pattern of binge drinking, not going to AA meetings, not paying rent, letting dc down etc etc.
Two years ago he asked for help, he was trying to end his relationship but she kept threatening suicide, begging to come back etc.
He moved home, we went on holiday and on our return his oh had also moved in and was pregnant. He didn't want the baby, she did and again they both moved into one of my properties as tennants. The baby arrived and four months later she left, she has relied on him a lot for babysitting so that she can go out and recently to go to work.
He owes me thousands of pounds in rent, loans and handouts we (me and DH of 20yr) recently took him and the dcs on holiday, on return he disappeared and it has become apparent that he got drunk, lost his job and I don't have a clue where he is.
I can't do this anymore, we had already agreed that he would move out of our home this month but both mothers have said he can't have dcs overnight unless it's here which we agreed to.
AIBU to go back on this agreement and kick him out because I can't cope with the stress anymore, he pays for nothing when he's here and expects my carers (I'm disabled) to clean up after him, do his washing, he takes food without asking, doesn't buy nappies, milk or food for the bloody cat he gave to eldest dc for her birthday which has ended up in my house.
I feel absolutely broken, apparently he is calling in later to collect some stuff which usually means he wants money.
I'm absolutely broken by him - the other four dc all have jobs, homes etc even the youngest who has a debilitating health condition lives independently.
We will continue to have the eldest dgc after school once a week and for regular sleepovers and already help out with childcare one day a week for the baby and will have him overnight when he is a little older.
It would be interesting to get some independent views/criticism.

This thread is so sad, the never ending cycle of having children in abusive relationships. I really do not know why people bring children into this world when they are in such shity relationships.

Please stop finding excuses for him. He's not a troubled teenager any more, hasn't been for many years.

Considering that I was genuinely a child when I was bullied into having my eldest dc, came from an abusive, dysfunctional family who were no support at all I think I've done my best for all the dcs and dgc.

Children need support, yes, but they also need the freedom to make their own mistakes and learn from them. It's hard and heartbreaking, but sometimes the best thing you can do is to step back.

I'm now trying to do the right thing for my ds and his dcs.

And the right thing here would be to let him fall and find his own way out. He really needs to start being responsible for his own and his families lives, and he will never do it if you are always there to catch him and fix everything for him.

Did it occur to you that you might be overcompensating? That your best is actually a bit too much? That it costs you too much now? You shouldn't be missing hospital appointments!
Please consider counselling for yourself.

Tilda please go back and rtft or even just the title and you will see that I came here for support in allowing my ds to own his own problems instead of relying on me and dh.

I didn't come here to face a barrage of unpleasantness and personal attacks, I really really don't need that.

As for missing a hospital appointment because the mother of my grandson dumped him unwed and unwashed on my doorstep, what on earth was I supposed to do? I couldn't have run after her because I can't bloody walk.

As for quoting my own words back at me about the circumstances of my eldest child's conception and then saying children need to make their own mistakes, I was fourteen years old and the father was a much much older married man. My only mistake was being born to truly irresponsible parents.

Rtft and you will see I've had extensive counselling and so have my children.

Buster bits of our family story are desperately sad - the bits around my ds and the first two relationships I had. Ds was in a stable loving relationship with the mother of 2dgc for six years, she is still a huge part of the family and they are good friends.
I have four other dc who I am immensely proud of, they include an accountant, teacher, engineer and a nursing manager.
My start in life was awful and as a consequence so was the start for my eldest 3dc, truly awful but I survived and made something of my life. I would even go so far as to say I did better than expected, I worked really hard and ran a successful business for many years until I became disabled. We have a beautiful home and we have been able to help our dc get started in life, like I said my ds and his problems are tragic but the rest of it is good, really good.

onestep - your story is indeed so sad, and that of your son too.
He is obviously self-medicating with alcohol to deal with whatever is going on with his mental health - has he ever been assessed by a psychiatrist? If not, I think that would possibly be a good way to go for him - but you can only suggest it to him, you can't force him.

You are definitely doing the right thing, even your son can see that. I can see that your other children might think he's your favourite because you've felt the need to devote more time and energy to him - but that would be because he NEEDED it more. Thing is though that he's still very needy and you've stayed in that pattern but now you're needing to break it.
He still needs help and support but he also needs to find more ways to become self sufficient as an Adult, and stop falling back into Child mode to your Parent. And you too - as you've already realised, you need to treat him as an Adult and not fall into Parent mode, which immediately places him back in Child mode.

You'll get there.

Thumb thank you for the kind words. I spent some time with him this morning before work and he has made an appointment with the GP. He has been assessed by a psychiatrist almost twenty years ago when he had a spell as an inpatient after a psychotic episode but he recognises that he needs to engage again.

I didn't sleep at all last night - not just because of him but saying goodbye to dd1 and her 2dc always makes me incredibly sad. Skype is fantastic but knowing it's likely to be two years before I can hug them again is heartbreaking and it will be four years before we have another big family holiday where we can all be together. I love listening to the banter the five of them have reminiscing about epic games of monopoly or the day one of them swallowed "the" lego head that everyone coveted and an epic month long camping trip where it rained almost every day.
I need to wallow for a few days, go and see ds3 and his dcs, spend a weekend with dd2 and have some me time.

Bumping for support

Do it! My brother is nearly 50 and still relies on my mum to bail him out whenever he needs it. He was an heroin addict then he moved to drink now it's scratch cards.
Because we didn't have the best upbringing my mum feels guilty so always bails him out, he is an excellent manipulator and has a vicitm mentality where he blames everyone for everything. He's selfish, Inconsiderate and quite frankly a waste of space.

I know I sound hard but me and my siblings had the exact same upbringing yet we all work hard for everything we have and we're all decent human beings.

I really don't like my brother for the pathetic man he is and that is in some way down to my mum for always bailing him out.
Unless you want your son to rely on you forever tell him to go away and sort himself out.
We can't live in the shadow of our childhoods forever.

I’m going to sound incredibly cruel, but in your shoes I’d call social services and inform them your grandchild has been dumped on your doorstep despite the fact that your son isn’t there to look after him and you can’t as you are disabled.

I'm so glad you posted that notevil, because I was thinking exactly the same. The GC's mother sounds proper flakey to me.

she has relied on him a lot for babysitting so that she can go out and recently to go to work

By babysitting do you mean looking after HIS OWN CHILD?

I hate that.

Zipity thanks it's good to hear what it's like from a siblings perspective, I know that a lot of my enabling is rooted in my own feelings of guilt because he had such a shit father.

There have been so many times when he's messed up and I've been there to try and fix things but he knows this time is different and for the first time he hasn't shouted at me or blamed me. He can sense that I've reached the end of the line and I'm withdrawing. I'm so grateful for that because it would be hard not to crumble if he blamed me for not being able to have the children overnight.
He will continue to base himself at our house on a Sunday because that's what has always happened regardless of where he's been living, it's a family day and I can't take that away from the children.

OP, I think you've done a fantastic job considering what a shitty start in life you had.

I also think it's a very fine line between supporting an enabling sometimes. Only you can know where that line is when it comes to your DS.

I cannot even imagine the stress of all of this and I think you have done amazingly well in life after a really shitty start. I will probably get flamed for suggesting this but could you afford to let him live in one of your properties rent free? At least that way you would know that he will always have a roof over his head. If this is not financially possible please ignore.

At the extreme end of this my DM is currently hiding in a refuge away from my DB.

For 10+ years he has systematically taken every penny she has and drunk and gambled it away. Always with promises of rehab, threats of suicide and blaming her for his childhood.

She is now living in a refuge and he has a restraining order stopping him from contacting her. Which he tries to get around constantly.

Don’t allow your son to take up anymore of your time, money or emotional energy

I hope you are able to do it. Although I dislike my brother even I struggled to say no the last time he asked me to lend him money. He gets all puppy eyed and poor me
When my mum says no he goes into a sulk, gets very stroppy and moody. When she says yes he's all over her, hugging talking all nice. It sickens me.

Good luck!

Lakie I had a long conversation with HV yesterday so that she is fully aware of the situation. We will continue to support her by providing childcare one day a week and probably more on an ad hoc basis. Personally I think she needs more support from her parents, she would benefit from living at home with her family but they have set her up in an apartment and pay for a cleaner instead.

Flamingo I probably didn't explain myself very well. Ds has been having dgc two full days, one half day and three overnight stays a week, in addition to this he has been finishing work at 10:30 - 11:00pm and going to his exp apartment to take over from a young (14) family member who is babysitting. He stays until the early hours of the morning when exp gets home or stays overnight on the sofa if he thinks she's not in a fit state to care for dgc.

I hope this clarifies what I meant.

Deadringer because I have been housing him and his exp for free for the last two years I haven't been able to afford to go and visit DD who lives abroad, haven't had a foreign holiday and have put off doing things to the house which would make my life a bit easier.
It's all part of the problem it allows him to be irresponsible and not step up to his full responsibilities. It's also grossly unfair on the other dc and dsc.
Yes the things I haven't been able to do are luxuries we can go without, but I've worked really really hard all my life and sadly my life expectancy isn't long, I won't live into my 80's for sure and I would really like to reap the benefits of my hard work and go on a cruise, have more holidays, spoil my dcs and dgc.
Does that sound really really selfish?

Boa I'm so sorry to hear what your mum is going through and it makes me even more determined to end his dependence on my support. I do worry that it will end in prison or suicide for him but I have to give him a chance to at least try.

Onestep I don't think you are selfish at all. I have no advice, never having been in a similar situation but I hope you can find a way forward, it all sounds very difficult.

I wouldn't see it as 'giving up on him'. It may be the best thing for him to finally have to stand on his own two feet. Regardless of his past, he's 37 and a father and can make his own choices. He can deal with his issues- unless he chooses not to, which is more likely if he doesn't need to because you are propping him up. What would he do if you suddenly weren't around? End of the day, what you've been doing hasn't worked so try something totally different.

I hope today was a better day. It is good you spoke to the HV and are willing to help with childcare, though at the same time the DM has to get on with it. It is not your job to provide this support. You need to step back from all the incompetent adults they'll survive.

Bumping for support.

Thanks for the support, yesterday was better because dgc has gone to other gps and his dm is away, ds came home from work at 11:30 which is good because he was paid yesterday and had the means to go out and buy booze but chose not to.
The older 2 dgc are back from a camping trip today and preparing to go and stay with maternal gps for the next three weeks with their dm, I'm dreading telling my ex DIL that the children won't be able to stay here when ds has them after the holiday but I have a really close relationship with her and she will understand.

I am so worn down by it all, dh is out today so I have a quiet day to potter and do whatever I want.

Good, take it easy today. It is great you have a good relationship with ExDIL I am sure she wonders how you have helped him for so long. It is good he didn't get alcohol but keep in mind, he knows he is on short lead and is showing you what you want to see so you will cave. Stay strong.

I would cut him off and carry on having DGC.

I do find it strange that you said he helps out the mother of his first child a lot by babysitting. Looking after your own child isn't babysitting or helping out the other parent. It is being a parent! Maybe some of your views have contributed to him not having a sense of responsibility.