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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to object to child maintenance payments if I can't afford them

96 replies

steve314 · 01/08/2018 16:46

Hello,

I'm new here and would appreciate some honest opinions about my situation.

I am a father of two boys aged 12 and 10. About 3 years ago I received an anonymous email from somebody who said they were a former work-make of my ex-partner. The email told me that she had started a new relationship. When we discussed it she said that it was true and suggested that we stay living together but have separate relationships. I didn't think that this would work and since she was unwilling to move out of the family home I concluded that I had to do so.

I moved out and rented a place big enough that our two boys could live part of each week with me and part at the family home. For the past 3 years they have lived with me weekends and some holidays and with their mother for the rest of the time. About 2 1/2 days of each week with me, on average. I pay rent (£700 per month) on my house and mortgage interest (£260 per month) on the family house. My ex partner pays £200 per month off the mortgage capital and receives child tax credit and child benefit. She started a self-employed business a few years ago but does not yet make a significant income from it. (Less than minimum wage.) As a result of this she also receives working tax credit.

A little while ago she decided to approach the Child Maintenance Service to seek monthly maintenance payments from me. First of all they told me that I should be paying about £500 per month. This was then reduced to about £360 per month. If I do not arrange to make the payments voluntarily they will be deducted from my salary.

My problem with this is that my take-home pay of just over £2000 per month means that I would not be able to pay it and also pay rent, mortgage interest, household expenses and all of the expenses of having a family that I pay now, such as food, clothes, birthdays, holidays, pocket money etc for the kids. I want to be stay involved in my children's lives like this. But if I'm force to pay this money I won't be able to afford to pay the rent so I won't have anywhere to live with my kids. Since I've not been living in the family home for 3 years my ex now strongly opposed me moving back in, so I can no longer live with them there.

I love supporting and caring for my kids both financially and emotionally but it seems to me that these forced payments work against that by forcing me to change my relationship with them from one in which I live with them and care for them part of the week to one in which I make anonymous payments of money each month.

Has anybody here, either a mother or a father, had a similar experience and come to a similar conclusion? Does anybody think I've got something wrong or am being unreasonable?

Thanks,

Steve

OP posts:
Howhot · 01/08/2018 16:49

You need to sort out the house and stop paying for it. Use that money to pay maintenance instead.

UpTheBumNoBabies · 01/08/2018 16:52

Stop paying her mortgage then you'll be able to afford maintenance.

notapizzaeater · 01/08/2018 16:53

Your ex should be sorting the house out. Have you checked the figures based in overnights ?

Herja · 01/08/2018 16:53

Agree. Stop paying the mortgage, you need to keep paying maintenance.

Singlenotsingle · 01/08/2018 16:54

She can't have it if you haven't got it. If you're being told to pay this much cm then you have to cut corners elsewhere. I think you'll have to tell the ex that you can't afford to pay the mortgage interest any more and she'll have to cover that herself. Unless you can see any other savings anywhere?

rainingcatsanddog · 01/08/2018 16:54

Stop paying the mortgage then you'll be able to afford maintenance.

What percentage of the time do you have them? If it's 50% then eachnoarent should claim for one boy.

Quandary2018 · 01/08/2018 16:54

She needs to buy you out of the family home or put the house on the market and then you can afford to pay maintenance

Original poster
steve314 · 01/08/2018 16:55

Thanks Howhot. Yes I'd like to do that and am trying to negotiate it. The trouble is, if two people own a house and mortgage jointly, as far as I can tell it takes both parties to agree to sell the house. If one side simply refuses to sell there's nothing the other side can do. Same goes for the mortgage.

This seems to be a common problem. The child maintenance service is a bit of a blunt instrument which doesn't take into account circumstances.

OP posts:
xyzandabc · 01/08/2018 16:55

I can see why you would want to pay towards the mortgage to prevent your children having to leave the family home but the reality is that on both of your incomes, you can't afford to run 2 homes.

Either the family home is sold and they have to move, exw buys you out of the mortgage (unlikely if she has a low income) or you stop paying the mortgage interest and use that money towards the CMS payment.

I don't think you can appeal CMS amount just because you can't afford it. However currently out of your £2k take home pay, you are currently paying nearly 50% of that in housing costs alone, it is not sustainable.

ProfessorMoody · 01/08/2018 16:56

Why are you paying for her house as well as your own?

ProfessorMoody · 01/08/2018 16:57

Nah. If you stop paying the mortgage, she'll either have to pay it herself and keep the house, or the mortgage company will intervene and it will have to be sold. This happened to me when exH stayed in our jointly owned home and told me he was paying the mortgage but didn't.

Takfujimoto · 01/08/2018 16:57

Rent £700, Mortgage interest, £260 ( should you still be paying for that btw?) and you have just over 2K income pcm.

So what is the other 1K going on?

I don't blame her for not wanting to live with you again, it wouldn't be healthy and most likely confuse your children.

Original poster
steve314 · 01/08/2018 16:59

Because I have no choice. I have no power to sell the house unless she agrees to it. And the only way I could stop the mortgage interest payments from coming out of my account would be to default on them. That would trash both my and her credit ratings and severely damage both of our abilities to house our kids in future. If the house ever does get sold I'l like to try to buy another one where me and the kids could live.

OP posts:
Bizzylizzyloo · 01/08/2018 16:59

If she won't agree to sell the house, you will just have to stop paying the interest and then if she can't afford the mortgage she will be forced to sell anyway. It's a blunt solution but if she won't agree to the sale there's not much more you can do. Stop paying mortgage, pay CMS, and see what the lay of the land is after that.

Original poster
steve314 · 01/08/2018 17:00

Lots of replies here. Too many for me to answer them all right now, but thanks for all your input.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 01/08/2018 17:02

If you have the kids 50/50 then no maintenance would be paid.

parklives · 01/08/2018 17:02

The CSA are telling you to make minimum payments of £360 pm.
You already pay £260 pm.
You only need to find an extra £100 pm to meet the minimum payments.

I don't see the problem?

parklives · 01/08/2018 17:05

Have the CSA asked you for any back-pay to cover the years you've been under paying?

This is assumed you've both been honest and the CSA haven't made a mistake in their calculations.
How did you get the payment reduced from £500 minimum to £360 minimum?

Zampa · 01/08/2018 17:08

So what is the other 1K going on?

Council tax, utility bills, phone, car, insurance, food - that's easily £600. If the remaining £360 is to go on CM, then that's no cash for leisure activities, clothes and other discretionary spending.

jacks11 · 01/08/2018 17:09

YABU, I'm afraid. I understand finances are tight but you need to contribute to the costs of rearing your children. There is no escaping that. You can't just decide not to pay, you have had an assessment and that is what you need to pay. Just as your ex-partner would have to pay maintenance to you if you had majority residency.

You have them 2.5 days on average, so your wife has them for the major. I imagine she also has pay for the majority of clothes/shoes/school uniform/hobbies and associated expenses? Unless you pay 50% of all of their expenses already then you need to pay maintenance.

I don't know where you stand in terms of the family home/mortgage. It may be worthwhile seeking legal advice about forcing sale of the family home or your ex-partner buying you out. But I think you also need to way up the potential consequences of that- i.e. would your ex-partner need to move somewhere to a different area due to housing costs/availability? If so, how would that effect your children in terms of schooling and so on.

Singlenotsingle · 01/08/2018 17:09

We are sympathetic OP but everyone has given you the same answer. It wouldn't be the end of the world to default on the mortgage. Or you could tell her that out of the £360 cm you're going to have to cough up, she'll have to use £260 to pay the mortgage herself. That just leaves you £100 pm down....still difficult but maybe do-able?

Babyroobs · 01/08/2018 17:10

You shouldn't be paying the mortgage interest and Cm payments.

VikingVolva · 01/08/2018 17:11

You will have to,go to court to sort the house out.

Yes, you must make the CM payments (and remember the 'official' figure is just the minimum payment below which the government will chase you).

It sounds as though both your child and financial arrangements have been agreed by mediation, but have not been finally settled as part of a divorce. You cannot currently afford the two properties, so the FMH may need to be sold to fund (sustainably affordable) housing for you both. I think her actions mean it is time to make the break rather cleaner.

eggncress · 01/08/2018 17:12

She doesn’t want to sell the house because you’re paying a large part of the mortgage for her... why would she ?
Stop paying for the house and things will take their course. the mortgage company will intervene if she doesn’t pay then she will either pay or agree to sell.
You can’t pay for everything!

PanPanPanPing · 01/08/2018 17:13

"Rent £700, Mortgage interest, £260 ( should you still be paying for that btw?) and you have just over 2K income pcm. So what is the other 1K going on?"

Oh come on, Takfujimoto, think about all the other incidental costs each month that people have. Gas, electricity, water rates, council tax, phone bills, car costs, food ... I could go on ...

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