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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to child maintenance payments if I can't afford them

96 replies

steve314 · 01/08/2018 16:46

Hello,

I'm new here and would appreciate some honest opinions about my situation.

I am a father of two boys aged 12 and 10. About 3 years ago I received an anonymous email from somebody who said they were a former work-make of my ex-partner. The email told me that she had started a new relationship. When we discussed it she said that it was true and suggested that we stay living together but have separate relationships. I didn't think that this would work and since she was unwilling to move out of the family home I concluded that I had to do so.

I moved out and rented a place big enough that our two boys could live part of each week with me and part at the family home. For the past 3 years they have lived with me weekends and some holidays and with their mother for the rest of the time. About 2 1/2 days of each week with me, on average. I pay rent (£700 per month) on my house and mortgage interest (£260 per month) on the family house. My ex partner pays £200 per month off the mortgage capital and receives child tax credit and child benefit. She started a self-employed business a few years ago but does not yet make a significant income from it. (Less than minimum wage.) As a result of this she also receives working tax credit.

A little while ago she decided to approach the Child Maintenance Service to seek monthly maintenance payments from me. First of all they told me that I should be paying about £500 per month. This was then reduced to about £360 per month. If I do not arrange to make the payments voluntarily they will be deducted from my salary.

My problem with this is that my take-home pay of just over £2000 per month means that I would not be able to pay it and also pay rent, mortgage interest, household expenses and all of the expenses of having a family that I pay now, such as food, clothes, birthdays, holidays, pocket money etc for the kids. I want to be stay involved in my children's lives like this. But if I'm force to pay this money I won't be able to afford to pay the rent so I won't have anywhere to live with my kids. Since I've not been living in the family home for 3 years my ex now strongly opposed me moving back in, so I can no longer live with them there.

I love supporting and caring for my kids both financially and emotionally but it seems to me that these forced payments work against that by forcing me to change my relationship with them from one in which I live with them and care for them part of the week to one in which I make anonymous payments of money each month.

Has anybody here, either a mother or a father, had a similar experience and come to a similar conclusion? Does anybody think I've got something wrong or am being unreasonable?

Thanks,

Steve

OP posts:

ChocolateDoll · 01/08/2018 20:11

I can’t believe neither of you thought this through before you moved out.

Think about it. Between the 2 of you, your financial circumstances haven’t changed at all, but now you think you can somehow afford a whole second home!

If you had not split up, would you have ever considered a second home to be something within your reach? As a holiday home maybe?

Sad and unfair, yes. But something has to give. Either you move into a much smaller flat share or something, or she has to downsize on the original house.

ChocolateDoll · 01/08/2018 20:12

What sucks obviously, is that either way, it’s the kids who suffer.

Jjjjigoo · 01/08/2018 20:14

You need to sort out legally what happens to the house when the kids are over 18. The fact she is paying capital and you are paying interest may make a difference to the end split. Get this sorted out at the same time as sorting out the variance that missymoo suggests.

See a solicitor.

LannieDuck · 01/08/2018 20:20

Hey! I used to work for CMS, you need to stop paying the mortgage. If you can't stop paying the mortgage you need to apply for a 'variation' to have the money you pay for her mortgage taken into account.

Missymoooo I'm surprised, but you sound very knowledge. Does that mean that it is possible to offset mortgage payments against CMS? And therefore use one payment to both cover the CMS cost and also accrue interest on a property at the same time?

Is there any mechanism for acknowledgement by the mortgage company that the payment is technically coming from the resident parent, and therefore the equity accrued is theirs instead of the person paying it?

CanuckBC · 01/08/2018 21:02

You need to see a solicitor or lawyer and get the sale of the house forced. You should not be paying for her to live in the house. I am Canadian so I am not sure how it works there but I know here you can force the issue if one party is refusing to seek the common property.

I am sure it would be similar there. I would look into this as soon as possible as you are getting screwed.

Xenia · 01/08/2018 21:07

In English law you can often force a house sale too if you co-own so the starting point is seeing a solicitor. However the children need to be housed and it's nicer if they stay in their home so a better solution could be the mother goes back to full time work, the parents share after school childcare costs and if necessary one parent works on Saturdays and the other all day Sunday to meet the costs of the mortgage and rent and they need some agreement over the rising equity. Better if the man can get off the mortgage however so he can buy himself another house rather than his life being on hold until the mother cohabits again or moves

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/08/2018 22:37

lannie if CM is offset against the payment then it’s not the resident parent paying it not the other parent

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/08/2018 22:38

It sounds like he may have possibly already done this hence the initial reduction in liability

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/08/2018 22:40

lannie sorry head working slower than fingers.

It would be the resident parent paying it not the other one.

If his CM is reduced because he’s paying that then that payment is part of his CM so it’s her paying it from her CM

Brandnewstart · 01/08/2018 22:42

My ex left nearly 4 years ago. I haven’t had a penny towards the mortgage since. The house was in both our names until recently but he wanted to take his name off because he has a new mortgage with the OW. We have an financial agreement in place that I pay out if certain criteria occurs.
My ex pays about £260 a month for our two children and earns about the same as you... think you need to look into things more closely OP.

GemGem97 · 01/08/2018 22:49

Seriously ? @Takfujimoto
Food, water, gas and electric, a car, various insurances.

What do you spend your money on or do you manage to live without all of the above?

Agree with the rest, either it help pay her mortgage and no child support or you pay no mortgage and child support instead. She can't just expect you to do both!

maddening · 01/08/2018 22:52

Get the house valued now. As you have paid over half of the mortgage payments over the last 3 years you are still entitled to half the equity as it stands now - it should be sold if she can't buy you out

numptynuts · 01/08/2018 23:13

Do not default on the mortgage. If you do, kiss goodbye to getting another mortgage for years.

The £260 you pay is part of the maintenance. You can't do both.

Cupoteap · 02/08/2018 06:48

Off topic @MissyMoooo you are the AMA I'd like to see!

fortygin · 02/08/2018 07:58

I would stop paying the mortgage.
My ex had an affair and moved out a year ago.
He has kids approx the same as you and pays NOTHING towards our mortgage and NO maintenance as he says he almost has them 50:50 and needs to run his own home.
I only work 16 hours pw but have to pay my own way.
I think if you pay maintenance then that is sufficient honestly.
My solicitor says I have no right to expect exh to help with mortgage even though it's in both our names.

limon · 02/08/2018 08:22

She needs to get a full time a job!

DuskyMoth · 02/08/2018 08:30

Is that figure of £360 even right? I get only a very small amount more from my Ex who has a similar take home pay, only I have 3 children who stay overnight 1 per month!

So either that figure is too high or I'm not getting enough!

But I agree with the others offset it against the mortgage payments.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 02/08/2018 09:42

Ffs. Way too many people commenting who haven't got a clue what they're talking about.

Op - call the CMS. Get them to confirm the amount due based on income and number of nights the dc stay with you. Ask for a variation based on the £260 mortgage payments that you're making.

SPEAK TO A SOLICITOR ABOUT THE HOUSE. If you are married you need to instigate divorce proceedings and financial resolution which might demonstrate that there is not enough money 'in the pot' to maintain the former matrimonial home and your ex will have to downsize or move to a cheaper area. The equity will be distributed between you and the legal folks can argue that out.

Legally, morally, whatever - you need to contribute at least the minimum CMS amount. If this includes paying the mortgage then you top up the additional amount. Anything on top is a bonus.

This is all from my own experience op - if you don't live in the house you shouldn't be expected to pay the mortgage AS WELL AS CMS. Of course there is a risk of default which will show on your credit file so make that call today!

Xenia · 02/08/2018 12:42

They aren't married I believe which is why issues like spousal support do not apply etc.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/08/2018 15:26

Some dodgy advice on this thread

My ex pays CMS but he was also ordered by a court to pay half our mortgage. The judge was having none of it. She said it was a joint liability in law and she ordered half. She was fully aware of the CMS

I think it hung on the income and expenditure we had to provide. Yes he didn't have much left but they were all his outgoings whereas I paid for everything child related.

He may not be able to afford it but we don't know her circumstances.

Our judge didn't care it left him short. Her reasoning was that she made it more equal

MrsB2k22 · 07/03/2024 15:22

Yes we are in exactly the ae situation please help did yoi get any help

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