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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Late friend's neighbour being unreasonable? (trigger dead body details)

86 replies

couchparsnip · 01/08/2018 08:45

My close friend of 30 years died suddenly last week.

Her neighbour knew her well, apparently my friend had been visiting for the last couple of years as she has been suffering from anxiety and depression, they had got quite close it seems, although I had never heard of her and neither had my friend's family. (Mum, sister and boyfriend).

I saw my friend's mum yesterday and she told me the neighbour had been "insistent" on seeing the body and was going over today to talk about it and to pay her respects to the family. The mum and boyfriend have decided against embalming as my friend would not have wanted it. There had to be a post mortem so I assume there will be evidence of that as well. They have said this to the neighbour but she still wants to see. I dont know all.of the details of post mortems but I am thinking it won't be a pretty sight.

My friend's boyfriend thought the neighbour might not be thinking straight and added that when he went to see theher it was "too intense" and he didnt want to see her alone again. I haven't met her but we texted the other day and she mentioned that my friend was upset with me for missing a night out. I was quite upset by that so am maybe not being totally fair on her.

The Mum and boyfriend asked my opinion and I said they should think about refusing the request to see the body. They didnt seem keen anyway, the neighbour seems to be making it about herself and it maybe wouldn't be good for her anyway if she suffers from anxiety.

Was I unreasonable to give my opinion and is this woman out of order to be insistent with someone's grieving parent and partner. I am worried she will railroad them into something they aren't comfortable with as they are both lovely gentle people. But maybe I am.being unfair, my.emotions are all over the place anyway.

OP posts:

Queenofthestress · 01/08/2018 08:52

That is insanely weird, would be a definite no from me!

StylishMummy · 01/08/2018 08:54

Weird and wholly inappropriate

CoraPirbright · 01/08/2018 09:02

Firstly, I am so so sorry for your loss. Also what a horrible thing to have to deal with right now. Totally weird and intrusive and, given that none of you have ever heard of this woman, I would question how close they were. And her telling you that your friend was upset with you was just cruel. Give your strength to the family so that they feel that they have your support in telling her to back off.

CesiraAndEnrico · 01/08/2018 09:10

The mum and boyfriend have more than enough on their plate with shock and grief. A good friend of the deceased tends to consider what is best for the bereaved people their friend loved and would not want to see suffering any additional stress and distress. I'd include not inventing/sharing any upset the deceased mentioned about a missed night out in that, as well as requests to view the deceased.

So I'd tell them that. And give them the confirmation that they need that it is OK to deny the viewing and focus on their own needs in one of the worst moments of their lives.

HollowTalk · 01/08/2018 09:26

I am so sorry you lost your friend.

I think this woman is one of those who wants to be in on anything dramatic. If neither you nor your friend's family and other friends have heard of her, it's very, very unlikely that she was very close to your friend.

When my son was little he had a seizure outside the school gates and I had to take him to our local hospital. I was amazed to see one of the school mums come bustling in to see us. She said she was so upset to hear about his seizure (she hadn't been there at the time) and she couldn't rest until she knew he was okay. We didn't even know the bloody woman! I'd seen her at the school gates over the past year but we had never even said hello. It was all about her. She told the doctor who came out to us that she thought she needed something for the shock

I think this woman is your friend's neighbour now.

81Byerley · 01/08/2018 09:31

If whoever is arranging the funeral tells the funeral director no viewings, they will stick to that. It costs extra for viewings, by the way, so that is a consideration, especially if it's only the neighbour who wants to do it. When my mother died in 2001 it cost £150 extra for me to take her sister and niece. We were happy to do that for my aunt, though. Tell the neighbour she can go if she can pick up the tab!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/08/2018 09:41

Of course they should say no. A firm, definite no. Completely weird and insensitive to insist on seeing her. She needs to be told to back off in no uncertain terms.

Yogagirl123 · 01/08/2018 09:42

Sorry for your loss.

The funeral director will respect the families wishes.

FiestaThenSiesta · 01/08/2018 09:47

Going against the grain here, but seeing the body and saying goodbye isn’t weird at all in many parts of the world. Wakes are standard in many cultures. I don’t see her request weird at all, but then to me open caskets and wakes are the expected norm.

ferrymeoff · 01/08/2018 09:48

A definite no from me. Some people manage to make everything about themselves. Would the deceased person want to be seen in that state?
Maybe just say that the Undertaker has insisted on the coffin being closed.

Leesa65 · 01/08/2018 10:01

FiestaThenSiesta , indeed.

However, this lady has not been embalmed . Whole lot of difference between "viewing" an emblamed body and an unembalmed.

GruciusMalfoy · 01/08/2018 10:07

I think you did the right thing. Her mother and boyfriend will be going through acute grief just now and could easily be railroaded into things they aren't comfortable with. The neighbour needs to take a step back, I agree with PPs, she's making it about her. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Tanith · 01/08/2018 10:08

She sounds like a ghoul. How disgusting of her to behave like this, and to upset you further. I don’t believe a word of what she says.
I would be channeling all my feelings into rage and telling her to get the hell away from you all.

So sorry for your loss and having to deal with this nasty woman.

CesiraAndEnrico · 01/08/2018 10:11

but seeing the body and saying goodbye isn’t weird at all in many parts of the world

As part of a shared ritual that is the norm in the community and does not conflict with the immediate family's cultural norms.

Almost everybody where I live came to see my late next door neighbour. It was touch and go if there would be a viewing or not due to the autopsy. Had the outcome from the autopsy been more confronting, leading to the family deciding against bring him home for the usual viewing period, I can guarantee you nobody, not even his friends of 60 years, would have been bothering the widow and her children to sort out a private viewing for them.

Plus, you have to adapt your death rituals to those of the most immediately bereaved. Having had two non-British husbands and living in both of their countries I've had cultural wobbles and tested resolve around death rituals on several occasions. It's one of those things where sucking it up has to happen. Because you can't do anything to take away the pain of the nearest and dearest. But you can and should avoid making things harder for them by prioritising your cultural wants over their need to focus on what is best for them.

brizzledrizzle · 01/08/2018 10:11

'No' and if she persists 'Viewing is family only' - perhaps the family would like you to tell her on their behalf?

So sorry for your and their loss.

Bezm · 01/08/2018 10:18

Very odd! The undertaker will only do what you ask. If the body has not been embalmed, the coffin will be 'closed' i.e. Screwed down as they are not allowed to view unembalmed bodies in this country.
I would not even be communicating to this woman. She was just a neighbour!!!
As the close friend of the deceased, would it be possible for you to speak to the neighbour so that the family don't have to do it? Just explain that no one will be viewing the body, and you will give her details of the funeral when they have been confirmed. End of conversation.

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/08/2018 10:19

If she was very close, then viewing may be something she needs to help her with her loss (and I wouldn't feel she was being weird for asking). But I think, if family were close, then they would know of the relationship, so it's the closeness of the relationship I'd be questioning in this case.

Ginkypig · 01/08/2018 10:20

When my dad died I didn't allow viewings.

He had been very very clear in life that he wouldn't have wanted that so I didn't allow it.

One of his friends in particular behaved quite badly about it. I felt very let down by him as I had known him for most of my life and was only 21 when he died so I felt he should really have been kinder.

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/08/2018 10:20

Screwed down as they are not allowed to view unembalmed bodies in this country. That's useful! Takes the personal out of it. "Sorry, not allowed, not even family can view".

WellThisIsShit · 01/08/2018 10:23

Is the neighbour from a culture where an open coffin or viewing the body is a normal part of the funeral process?

Otherwise I’m struggling to see the neighbours insistence in a positive light.

I’d advice the family to say no. It’s instrusive and verging on disrespectful in the circumstances.

Just to say to you... I’m so so sorry your friend has died 🌸. When my sister died, there was a text message that was a bit upsetting, that could be read as mean, and I’d not replied to her about, and been upset about in the couple of weeks before she died. And then it became a terrible thing afterwards when she’d gone so unexpectedly like that and I’d never sorted it out with her... well. It’s upsetting to think about even now.

But I don’t think about it much at all these days. Because you know what?

The end few days in someone’s life aren’t more important than the last 30 years of their life. Especially when their death was unexpected. Life has been interrupted. And it’s messy and unfinished and we cannot look at those last few days or hours as the representation of a whole lifetime before it.

To put it frankly, your friend is so much more than her death. She was her life, all of it. And she wouldn’t want you dwelling on a down bit of everyday life, she really wouldn’t... she’s more that that, and you’re more than that, and your friendship is more than that.

It was just a silly blip in a friendship which is SO much more than that. Your friend and you have 30 years of love and laughter and friendship and hugs and memories and nights out and nights in and all the moments in between... 30 years is 360 months, it’s 1560 weeks, and an awful lot of days!

If you can bear to, can you pull your mind away from the last couple of weeks, and pick a few of those days and weeks when you have lovely memories of you and your friend?

I’m sure she would hate to think of you hurting so much.

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 10:24

YANBU why should your friend's mum and boyfriend go through the pain and hassle of thinking and organising this visit. Tell her no. She's making it all about herself and not being considerate of the people who were much closer to your friend. It was also very unkind of her to bring up you missing the night out after your friend had died. What good could she possibly think she was doing?

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 10:25

WellThisIsShit

What a lovely (and true) message.

Peach6789 · 01/08/2018 10:28

So not even the boyfriend knew your friend had been spending any time with the neighbour? If no one knew about their so call friendship then I wouldn't be paying her any attention at all and I'd tell her as much in as kind a way as I could. Maybe something along the lines of "I'm sorry you are upset about NAME passing away, but she's never mentioned you to any of us and as this is such a hard time especially for her partner and mother I'm sure you can understand why they need you to back off a bit and give them space to grieve. There will be no 'viewings' due to the upset, cost but mainly because her partner and mother feel that a closed coffin ceremony with no viewings is what NAME would have wanted."

cleanasawhistle · 01/08/2018 10:35

I know when any members of our family died that visiting the funeral parlour has been family only.
I remember about 12 years ago a neighbours husband died very suddenly.
I received a text from another neighbour asking if I would come to the funeral parlour with her.....this neighbour wasnt even a close friend of the deceased.
I replied I had no intension of going and I would be surprised if the funeral director was allowed to just let anyone in.

The lady just needs to be told no,end of discusion.

wowfudge · 01/08/2018 10:37

I'm not sure it's true that you cannot view an unembalmed body. I know embalming is recommended if viewings will take place and especially if it's an open casket. We were asked if we wanted to see an elderly relative before the casket was closed and everyone said, "No, thank you" to the funeral director. Pretty sure she hadn't been embalmed.

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