Which parents side would you take?

[bitzy12]

Bit if background first but I'll make it brief.

My dad had an affair 9 years ago. Mum and dad got divorced. Dad stayed with ow for 7 years - they split up 2 years ago. Ow was awful. And I'm not just saying this, she was an evil woman. She put my family through a hell of a lot on her own, without my dads doing. Anyway through it all I stayed in contact with my dad and now we are closer than ever.

So dad and ow split a couple of years ago. Dad has now met someone else and been with her for a year. She is absolutely lovely. It's so nice to see my dad with someone as kind and caring as this lady.

My mum has been with her new partner for about 8 years. She's still extremely bitter about the affair and has never truly got over it. She will talk about it at any given chance. Wants to know everything my dad does in his personal life etc. She's put me in some pretty awkward situations over the years tbh but I've always known she's never got over my dad. I've suggested she has counselling in this past but she insists she's fine.

So here's the dilemma:

It's my ds bday on Sunday. Ds is autistic. He's turning 9. This year he is actually having a birthday party :-) it be his first one ever as over the years parties have just been too much for him to deal with. Ds wants the whole family there.

I've explained to my mum that my dad will be coming and she was fine with that. Dads gf works every Sunday and knew she wouldn't be able to make it.....

Until yesterday when dad rang and asked if the gf could come.

Now I know my mum will not be comfortable with this. If say to her that dads gf is coming then I know my mum just won't turn up. She was similar at my wedding and that was just the fact she was uncomfortable with my dad giving me away. It was all 'if your dad goes then I'm not going' etc. Thankfully she got over that and the day went as planned. Dad didn't bring anyone to the wedding.

Dads new gf has been great with my son and really made an effort to bond with him. She's absolutely not trying to step on anyone's toes which is what my mum will think.

So what do I do? Who's side will you take?

I can see it from my mums side. I really can. But then I also look at it as the affair was 9 years ago. The ow is out of the picture thankfully and the new gf has never done anything wrong to hurt any of us.

I'm getting a be fed up of getting put in awkward situations like this tbh. I'm also 35 weeks pregnant and just can't be doing with it.

I told my dad that my mum would be uncomfortable with it and that he can mention it to her and leave me out of it. My mum and dad actually still speak on a daily basis due to a family business that we run so it's not like they haven't spoken for years or never see eachother.

It's all just one big complicated situation but I just want my ds to have a good day with no stress. I don't want to upset my mum. I don't want to upset my dads gf either. I obviously feel the loyalties lie with my mum but it just makes me feel s**t to dads gf. We've grown close and she's helped me so much through my pregnancy.

The party is bowling if that helps. We have 3 lanes booked and 16 kids coming aswell as family and friends.

Sorry turned into a bit of an essay....

Neither. This is not about them. This is about your son. Your mum needs to learn to put him first for things like this in the future not herself.

Just leave them to it. It's down to them to sort out, not you. Tell them they're all welcome.

Your dad has put you in an awkward position. He shouldn’t have done that really - does his GF know how your mum is around him?

Your mum should be the one to suck it up, really, and be a grown up about it. But on this occasion your dad and girlfriend shouldn’t be putting you in the awkward position last minute really so they should bend.

Which GP would your DS miss most? Either, or none because there will be so many other people there?

That's what I have done. It will just be such a shame if my mum doesn't come as ds is autistic as mentioned and he won't understand why grandma isn't there.

I just think it's ridiculous for it to be like this 9 years on if I'm honest

If your Mum can work with your Dad and speaks to him daily then she is capable of being polite for a couple of hours at a party for the sake of her grandson. Is her partner invited? Your Dad is very lucky that you remain so welcoming after his behaviour and subjecting you all to the OW for several years though!

TBF it doesn't sound like it was just 9 years ago though, sounds like all the pain and drama went on until quite recently with the OW. She probably doesn't trust your Dad's judgement with girlfriends!

@NoSquirrels my mum without a doubt. That's most definitely who he would miss the most.

I don't actually know what dads gf knows about my mum. She obviously knows they still share a business but I'm not sure if my dads told her about how bitter my mum is towards him still. I've never spoken to her about it as I feel it's not really my place and don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm guessing she doesn't know the extent of it all

Honestly they need to grow up and get over any issues, it's not about them it's about their grandson

Your mother needs to put aside her bitterness and not let any unpleasantness spoil the party which is about a happy event for DS, no-one else. If she has any sense she will bowl on a different lane from your father & his girlfriend, just say, ‘Hello’ to him, talk to other people and smile, whatever she thinks. Can any other family member/friend be asked to “accompany” your mother to try to head off any potential problem? Can you have a word with her beforehand? Perhaps not... Adults should behave in an adult manner. Hope the party goes well.

@LunaTrap I just see it as he's my dad. I'll never get another one. I don't want to regret anything in years to come and I want my dcs to have their grandad.

I absolutely hate affairs with a passion though. But I just didn't want to lose my dad.

Drama with the ow was awful for the first couple of years. It quietened down but my mum still had to know everything about my dad and her. My mum is always searching for her on fb now to try find out what she's getting up too, where she's living etc even though she's been out of the picture for 2 years.

In that case if leaving it to your parents to sort out would mean your Mum not coming I would a) tell her how gutted your DS would be, and b) how disappointed you would be if she let an entirely different woman who is now seeing your dad take the blame for something that happened years ago, and stood in the way of her being a supportive grandmother.

I agree you can’t mention it to your dad’s GF. He needs to discuss that with her himself.

If they still speak daily would it be possible to ask the three of you to sit down together, and simply tell them as you have explained here?
I had a similar situation, dad had an affair and we obv all took mum's side. But she put huge pressure on me (as the geographically closest) She talked about him all the time and what she had given up and how badly he treated her. All true, but not fair for me to have to listen to!!
Tell them, if you can, that this is about your son, their grandchild. They need to put differences aside and learn to respectfully move on. And let them figure out between them how they will do that. It's not your job.

I think you need to have a word with your mum about putting your ds first and thinking of his feelings. And how it's not fair if she doesn't go. Then put them in lanes as far apart as possible. The gf is innocent in all this. She's as much tight to be there as your mum's partner.

And you are so right about maintaining relationship with your dad. My sister never forgave my dad and when he passed away his death hit her the hardest. I made a very conscious decision to forgive him. It was difficult but I'm so very glad I did. I hope the party goes well!

Your mum needs to get over it by now quite honestly. As hard as she fu ds it. And she needs to be there for her grandson.

Does the girlfriend know about the history?

I understand OP, it's great that you are still close to your Dad, he's very lucky to have you. Hopefully your Mum will come around and not let your son down.

I would side with your mum on this - affairs cause lasting damage and even 9 years on she shouldn't be made to watch your dad play happy families when his affair pulled apart hers. Tell your dad no girlfriend and then have her round another time instead.

I think your mum is being unreasonable. She can’t keep bringing the affair up in everything for the rest of her life. She did it before your wedding and now she’s doing it before your son’s birthday party. That’s not fair on any of you. Yes your dad did wrong but she can’t keep punishing other people by trying to spite your dad.
His girlfriend has done nothing wrong to any of you and she needs to stop projecting her feelings about the OW on to his girlfriend. Two different people.

This is odd. I understand that she was obviously hurt all them years ago but she's got a new partner of 8 years and her exH has a different partner to the one he left her for. Plus she is still in business with him

I hope for the sake of your DS she acts like an adult and goes to his party OP.

So she's ok to talk to him every day but not to go to her grandson's party with him?

@Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 our situations are so similar, sorry that you have been through it too. I really appreciate your advice.

My sister has nothing to do with my dad now, she sees him maybe once/twice a year but it's always awkward. It's always in the back of my mind that I don't want to regret anything when it's too late. My sister just doesn't see it like that. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad x

@GreatDuckCookery in all honesty, the business is a separate issue completely. It's been a family run business for 40 years now and neither of them were prepared to let it fail when the divorce came about. They both work in separate parts of the city we live in, have their own work units etc. They have to communicate but only on a business level really and that's always through email. Tbh, it can be tricky at times but only when my mum has a wobble. I'm grateful to them both for keeping it going.

@GreatDuckCookery but yes it is odd. And sad really as I feel she's wasting so much of her life not being able to move on from it all

You need to be honest with your mum. Tell her about the GF coming bowling and then if she reacts as you think she might, that's the ideal opportunity to have it out with her. Don't tell her over the phone, tell her face to face.
Explain how all this bitterness is making you feel, and now it's having an impact on her grandson. Say that you are not going to discuss your dad with her anymore, you're not her spy, and you can't be piggy in the middle anymore. She won't be happy for a while, and if she doesn't go bowling as a result then she should be ashamed of herself!