Which parents side would you take?

[bitzy12]

Bit if background first but I'll make it brief.

My dad had an affair 9 years ago. Mum and dad got divorced. Dad stayed with ow for 7 years - they split up 2 years ago. Ow was awful. And I'm not just saying this, she was an evil woman. She put my family through a hell of a lot on her own, without my dads doing. Anyway through it all I stayed in contact with my dad and now we are closer than ever.

So dad and ow split a couple of years ago. Dad has now met someone else and been with her for a year. She is absolutely lovely. It's so nice to see my dad with someone as kind and caring as this lady.

My mum has been with her new partner for about 8 years. She's still extremely bitter about the affair and has never truly got over it. She will talk about it at any given chance. Wants to know everything my dad does in his personal life etc. She's put me in some pretty awkward situations over the years tbh but I've always known she's never got over my dad. I've suggested she has counselling in this past but she insists she's fine.

So here's the dilemma:

It's my ds bday on Sunday. Ds is autistic. He's turning 9. This year he is actually having a birthday party :-) it be his first one ever as over the years parties have just been too much for him to deal with. Ds wants the whole family there.

I've explained to my mum that my dad will be coming and she was fine with that. Dads gf works every Sunday and knew she wouldn't be able to make it.....

Until yesterday when dad rang and asked if the gf could come.

Now I know my mum will not be comfortable with this. If say to her that dads gf is coming then I know my mum just won't turn up. She was similar at my wedding and that was just the fact she was uncomfortable with my dad giving me away. It was all 'if your dad goes then I'm not going' etc. Thankfully she got over that and the day went as planned. Dad didn't bring anyone to the wedding.

Dads new gf has been great with my son and really made an effort to bond with him. She's absolutely not trying to step on anyone's toes which is what my mum will think.

So what do I do? Who's side will you take?

I can see it from my mums side. I really can. But then I also look at it as the affair was 9 years ago. The ow is out of the picture thankfully and the new gf has never done anything wrong to hurt any of us.

I'm getting a be fed up of getting put in awkward situations like this tbh. I'm also 35 weeks pregnant and just can't be doing with it.

I told my dad that my mum would be uncomfortable with it and that he can mention it to her and leave me out of it. My mum and dad actually still speak on a daily basis due to a family business that we run so it's not like they haven't spoken for years or never see eachother.

It's all just one big complicated situation but I just want my ds to have a good day with no stress. I don't want to upset my mum. I don't want to upset my dads gf either. I obviously feel the loyalties lie with my mum but it just makes me feel s**t to dads gf. We've grown close and she's helped me so much through my pregnancy.

The party is bowling if that helps. We have 3 lanes booked and 16 kids coming aswell as family and friends.

Sorry turned into a bit of an essay....

Your Mum is being unreasonable. Besides which, her inability to let this go is hurting her. Continuing to stalk the OW on Facebook is unhealthy.
I'd try and have a calm discussion with her, say the OW is thankfully for all of you out of the picture, you like Dads new gf and want to stop feeling as if you have to take sides anymore. In future you won't be doing it as it upsets you and is beginning to impact on the children. Invite all of them to the party, make it their responsibility to be mature about this and put your DS needs before their own.

They've both moved on. The OW isn't on the scene.

What your mum is trying to do is punish the new GF for the actions of her ex and his ex.

She doesn't get to dictate terms of engagement in family events (I'd understand if he was with OW).

Tell them both the invitations are for dad + partner and mum + partner. All parties need to get over it.

Nah, if she can suck it up enough to work with him, she can bloody well suck it up for her grandson.

OP I would talk to your mum and beg if you have to ( not that you should have to ) for her to be there at her GS's special party. I hope in this instance she can put her own feeling aside just this once and put your son first.

Do you know what, OP? My mum is exactly like this.
I love her to pieces but her attitude on things like this is horrible. I always tell her I love her and that she has no need to worry but she constantly has to know what my dad is up to and then gets cross when she finds out.
My dad was awful when he left with the OW. He still won't admit they are a couple even though they now live together (what is that about?!)
My mum starts to interfer in things, most recently my baby's christening. She thinks that everyone will be watching for her reaction when around my dad. She is also insistant that the OW will turn up and that thre will be some sort of "showdown" and she'll finally get to have her say.
Growing up, we would never talk back to our parents and for a long time, I let her behaviour ride. I now have to very firmly tell her that it isn't about her. I also tell how much she is loved and that we are always there for her. Sometimes it doesn't work and we argue but she is starting to listen.
I always think that because the choice was taken out of the relationship (dad left, giving her no options to work on things or try again) she has become the injured party, which has given her license to behave how she does.
It will get easier OP. She may not listen for a while but eventually it will sink in.

Your mum needs to grow up. If she has a problem she needs to stay away.

I understand your situation, mine is similar but with my pils and my girl is still with the ow, they got married.

My loyalty lies with my mil but I do like my step-mil.

When it's come to the dc's christenings I've basically told them all that it's about the dc, they don't have to sit together or even acknowledge each other but they must behave.

I'm not going to lie, it's a difficult situation, but needs must.

You'll have to just explain it to your mum and tell her that she needs to get over it and get on with it. Good luck.

yes it is odd. And sad really as I feel she's wasting so much of her life not being able to move on from it all

It's all very well saying that she should move on, but once someone has utterly undermined your trust and made you question everything you thought you knew about your judgement, it's not that simple. Cheating can taint your future relationships and leave lasting scars when it comes to trusting anyone else.

Plus, it sounds like the other woman went out of her way to be spiteful to your mum and your dad chose stayed with her, knowing that she was making you and your mum's life hell. I don't know if I could forgive someone who was so careless with my children's happiness no matter how much time passed.

I think you should minimise your own stress and anxiety and ask your dad to stick to the original plan. Your son's first party and your own pregnancy - now is not the time or place for you to be worrying over this. You sound like a very kind considerate person, and it is a credit to you that you are giving this so much thought, but be kind to yourself, and say to your dad - sorry, we made a plan, and changing the arrangements does not suit me.

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I wasn't sure what kind of replies I would get but he majority seem to have the same thinking as me - my mum needs to put it to one side just for a couple of hours.

I mean, it's slightly different but me and my dcs children split 5 years ago due to him cheating on me. He will be at the party on Sunday. Do I like him? Nope can't stand him if I'm honest. But will I be civil to him for ds? Yes absolutely. Though if I say this to my mum, she will say it's a completely different situation and she actually still thinks a lot of my ex lol.

At the end of the day, I'm just going to focus on ds as I don't even know how well he will cope with the day as he is autistic. And like I say...I'm 35 weeks pregnant also. I'll need a glass of wine at the end of it no doubt but I'll have to swap it for gaviscon. Wish me luck 👍🏻

What does your son want? it's not like he is inviting Attila the Hun to his party, if he wants her to be there then your mother will have to just accept it, as unpalatable as that may be for her, she's an adult and has to deal with it.

If they communicate by email then I'd use email to tackle it:
Dear Mum and Dad, as you know it's DS's birthday party on Xdate. It is very very important to him that you both attend. This is such a big deal for him that I'm hoping you will both understand that while both your partners are very welcome, if either of you have an issue with A or B being there I need you to discuss with each other in advance of the party and work out how to make DS's wishes come first. I really don't feel comfortable trying to mediate this atmosphere between the two of you, especially after all these years, so please, speak to each other and let me know who is coming so I can arrange the lane booking as necessary.
Much love to you both

Your mum is an adult and can make her own choices.
Don't become a pawn in this game.
Eventually she will realise she is the one missing out on everything and will hopefully stop behaving like this.
I'm another one who's dad left for the OW and I have a mum who played exactly the same games as your mum.

Your mum needs to suck it up IMO. She is an adult and her choice not to come would upset your son. That's not on. Your child's first birthday party, especially given his special needs, is a very big deal.

Maybe you can tell your mum dactyl what you said her, that your DS wouldn’t understand why his grandma is not there so she needs to put her hostility aside for your son’s sake. In the meantime have a frank conversation with your dad and tell him that you’d rather he didn’t bring his girlfriend because it might make things awkward with your mum and there will be other occasions. But equally if he insists on bringing her, your parents will need to be civil to each other.

My mum still makes snide comments about my dad at every opportunity and they’ve been divorced since 1979! It took me moving abroad for my parents to finally be civil to each other.

If your mp is coming too then your dgf should come too. If not then they need to sort it between them when they talk on the phone daily. Point out the effect on yr ds and leave them to it. Yr mum needs to put her grudges aside and think of yr ds.

If it was the original woman, the one who he'd had the affair with I could understand and sympathise with her but it isn't so I can't really see why she would have an issue with the new g/f, presumably she intends on bringing her own partner?

Your mum needs to get over it, but I would be telling your dad that it isn't appropriate here. Your son will want his granny there and happy over and above the latest girlfriend.

If she is as lovely as you say she will understand.

@NoSquirrels

Your dad has put you in an awkward position. He shouldn’t have done that really - does his GF know how your mum is around him?

That's how I'd feel as well. Everyone's blaming your mother, when it's your father's fault. FFS, can he not go to a birthday party without dragging his GF along with him? Your mother has been there from your DS's birth, the GF has arrived on the scene recently.

People don't get over being cheated on, easily. Your mother makes great efforts to be civilised for family occasions, but it doesn't sound like anyone appreciates that it's difficult for her. Your father does whatever he likes, and you accommodate him, and think your mother should too.

First priority is your DS - so you invite everyone he wants.
Second priority is you at 35 weeks pregnant - so you rise above the drama and don’t get involved.

Your parents are bottom of the list right now. Though I do feel sorry for your mum.

Hope your Ds has a great day and good luck with the last few weeks of your pregnancy.

@Trinity66 no mums partner won't be there - this is the thing. She won't invite him to anything. He came to my wedding and I had obviously planned on inviting him to the whole day but my mum wouldn't have it. She said she would find it too awkward and he ended up coming for an hour to the evening reception. My dad had absolutely no problem with him coming for the full day either. They have never met each other.

I don't know, my mum won't commit to her partner properly - e.g move in with him etc. They go on holidays all the time and regularly stay at each other's houses but that's as far as it goes. She says it's because she wants to protect her finances which could be part of it....but deep down I just think she still loves my dad if I'm honest.

I'm going to speak to them both later and take it from there.

Well said spandex
Your mum needs to act like an adult

i would get them both around,
and tell them both to sort their shit out and grow up,
and put their issues aside and let their grandchild have a great day with both grandparents,
its been 9 years time to get over it,
it happened,
nothing will change that but staying bitter and hateful is unhealthy and will only push everyone away
and why should your child have to be forced to choose between seeing one or the other... if they cant sort their shit out he might just say fuck ya, none of you can come!

Why is the onus on the mum? Why can't the dad grow up and not take girlfriend everywhere?

Sorry if I missed it, but is your mother's partner going?

I'd tell her it's time to let go.

Actually, has she asked if gf is going? Has she actually said anything? Don't make a drama out of it if she hasn't. Don't mention it to her unless she asks or has asked.
And if she does start with the drama tell her it's time to let go of her obsession with your dad.
She's moved on, he has moved on, you and your children deserve that they are civil to each other, and you certainly don't deserve the drama. Make it very clear how she's hurting you and her grandchildren, not your dad.