Which parents side would you take?

[bitzy12]

Bit if background first but I'll make it brief.

My dad had an affair 9 years ago. Mum and dad got divorced. Dad stayed with ow for 7 years - they split up 2 years ago. Ow was awful. And I'm not just saying this, she was an evil woman. She put my family through a hell of a lot on her own, without my dads doing. Anyway through it all I stayed in contact with my dad and now we are closer than ever.

So dad and ow split a couple of years ago. Dad has now met someone else and been with her for a year. She is absolutely lovely. It's so nice to see my dad with someone as kind and caring as this lady.

My mum has been with her new partner for about 8 years. She's still extremely bitter about the affair and has never truly got over it. She will talk about it at any given chance. Wants to know everything my dad does in his personal life etc. She's put me in some pretty awkward situations over the years tbh but I've always known she's never got over my dad. I've suggested she has counselling in this past but she insists she's fine.

So here's the dilemma:

It's my ds bday on Sunday. Ds is autistic. He's turning 9. This year he is actually having a birthday party :-) it be his first one ever as over the years parties have just been too much for him to deal with. Ds wants the whole family there.

I've explained to my mum that my dad will be coming and she was fine with that. Dads gf works every Sunday and knew she wouldn't be able to make it.....

Until yesterday when dad rang and asked if the gf could come.

Now I know my mum will not be comfortable with this. If say to her that dads gf is coming then I know my mum just won't turn up. She was similar at my wedding and that was just the fact she was uncomfortable with my dad giving me away. It was all 'if your dad goes then I'm not going' etc. Thankfully she got over that and the day went as planned. Dad didn't bring anyone to the wedding.

Dads new gf has been great with my son and really made an effort to bond with him. She's absolutely not trying to step on anyone's toes which is what my mum will think.

So what do I do? Who's side will you take?

I can see it from my mums side. I really can. But then I also look at it as the affair was 9 years ago. The ow is out of the picture thankfully and the new gf has never done anything wrong to hurt any of us.

I'm getting a be fed up of getting put in awkward situations like this tbh. I'm also 35 weeks pregnant and just can't be doing with it.

I told my dad that my mum would be uncomfortable with it and that he can mention it to her and leave me out of it. My mum and dad actually still speak on a daily basis due to a family business that we run so it's not like they haven't spoken for years or never see eachother.

It's all just one big complicated situation but I just want my ds to have a good day with no stress. I don't want to upset my mum. I don't want to upset my dads gf either. I obviously feel the loyalties lie with my mum but it just makes me feel s**t to dads gf. We've grown close and she's helped me so much through my pregnancy.

The party is bowling if that helps. We have 3 lanes booked and 16 kids coming aswell as family and friends.

Sorry turned into a bit of an essay....

Ups, sorry, cross posts.

@Trinity66 no mums partner won't be there - this is the thing. She won't invite him to anything. He came to my wedding and I had obviously planned on inviting him to the whole day but my mum wouldn't have it. She said she would find it too awkward and he ended up coming for an hour to the evening reception. My dad had absolutely no problem with him coming for the full day either. They have never met each other.

I don't know, my mum won't commit to her partner properly - e.g move in with him etc. They go on holidays all the time and regularly stay at each other's houses but that's as far as it goes. She says it's because she wants to protect her finances which could be part of it....but deep down I just think she still loves my dad if I'm honest.

I'm going to speak to them both later and take it from there.

ah ok, hhmmm does sound like your mom is still holding out for your dad in some way then, that isn't healthy for her after this length of time, she will never be happy that way. But it sounds like you know all that anyway. I do sympathise with her, my own mom went through something very similar but thankfully she's moved on (though that hurt is still there and pops out every so often eventhough it all happened 14 years ago)

If it were me, on this occasion for the sake of you DS, I'd probably explain the situation to your dad and just had neither partner there, tricky situation for you though

What does your mother's partner think of all this, and will he be at the party?

You should be looking at this from your own point of view, and seeing what will suit you best in the long run. Your father left your mother, then he left the OW, now he has a new GF. You might decide to allow this new GF to be poked in on every family occasion, making your mother feel pushed out, then next thing is your father is off with someone else...

Your mother is your mother and will always be there for you - unless you push her away. Your father inflicted a horrible woman on his family just because he wanted to. He didn't care how horrible she was as long as it suited him. Now he's pulled a great stroke - you're 'happy for him' because he's found someone nice!

TBH in your mother's place I'd let you all just get on with it, suit myself, and not come running when needed.

Your mum is behaving very unkindly to your son. It’s him not your dad who would be punished. Could you point that out?

Whether you might had the right to be angry...well yes with your dad but not with the new gf. I don’t think it’s reasonable to say it’s fine for the dad to be there (the person who actually did something wrong) and not the totally innocent gf. It makes no sense really, other than as a form of control. I think you were on the money with her needing counselling.

Sorry...cross posted!

Originally I would say that perhaps gf could understand being asked not to come, but if she has a relationship to your DS and wants to come then I would extend the invite.

If she wants to come, invite her.

Tell all 3 of them that at the sign of any issue, any comment that YOU deem inappropriate, they will be asked to leave the party.
(And if necessary follow through. Out the door, firmly but without drama, like a a toddler, then you back to the party for you and don’t worry).
The trick is to set and police boundaries but don’t Get emotionally involved (I know it’s hard) and do not enter discussions on th issue. It is a bit like setting boundaries with a child, where a discussion will not help, just being firm.

Plus, it sounds like the other woman went out of her way to be spiteful to your mum and your dad chose stayed with her, knowing that she was making you and your mum's life hell. I don't know if I could forgive someone who was so careless with my children's happiness no matter how much time passed.

^This. I wouldn’t want anything to do with my dad if I were you.

Plus why doesn’t you dad need to bring his girlfriend????

why does your dad need to bring his girlfriend knowing how much stress it will cause? He is just as much to blame but you are projecting it all on your mum.

You are too blind when it comes to your dad.

I think both your parents need to put their own feelings aside for their grandson tbh. What a terrible shame that he’s being forgotten by both of them in this.

A little bit of me feels sorry for your Dad’s partner too, if she was the OW it would be completely reasonable for her not to be invited, but it’s hardly her fault that your Mum won’t invite her own partner of 8 years to anything therefore meaning she will forever be excluded too.

I think the GF should not go. Call her up and explain, suggest an afternoon tea with your DF, DF & DS; say you want no drama and no one taking it personal - but for this instance that is how it is to be.

"Oh poor Dad, he was forced to have an affair with a horrible woman and stay with her for 8 years while she caused chaos in the family. None of this was poor Dad's fault, he was a hapless victim. I'm so happy for him now that he's found A Lovely GF! Dad and Lovely GF must be accommodated at all family functions from now on. Mum can fuck off. Until I need her for babysitting."

I would be on your Mum’s side personally. Ok, so it’s been almost a decade and she does sound slightly obsessed with your Dad and should definitely consider some counselling. It isn’t the OW that would be attending so she wouldn’t have to be faced with the woman who she probably thinks destroyed her marriage.

HOWEVER, she is obviously still hurt over your Dad’s actions and hasn’t moved on. She should be able to enjoy her grandson’s birthday without the discomfort of being faced with her ex husbands new GF. He doesn’t need to bring the girlfriend along, they haven’t been together very long and I’m unsure why she needs to attend a nine year old’s party in all honesty...

I would simply explain to your Dad that your Mum doesn’t feel comfortable with his girlfriend being there so would it be ok if she doesn’t attend. If he had been with the girlfriend for years and your DS had a very close relationship with her, I would view this differently but since they barely know one another, I think this is sensible.

@Juells I'm not making excuses for my dads behaviour but I do also feel your post is extremely unfair. There's a lot more to it which is why I do understand what my dad did. I don't agree with it for a second...but there's a massive background to what lead to the affair which I always take into consideration. However as I've already said, I hate affairs. I hate cheaters, liars etc.

I know what it's like to be cheated on. I've been through it with my ex. I know the scars it can leave as I have them also.

And I have every right to be happy for my dad. He hasn't actually been happy for years. It's nice to see him with someone who he is well suited too - this was never my mum as much as it pains me to say it.

I love my mum. I love my dad. I love them equally. Yes my dad made a mistake. But so did my mum for many years. Don't criticise me for wanting to have the best relationship I can with both my parents. They may not have been right for each other but they are still my mum and dad.

@Juells clearly this has hit a nerve for you but you really have no idea of the whole story so please kindly remove yourself from my post. This is about my son and nothing else at the end of the day.

Have a lovely day with your son at his special birthday party.
Invite everyone. If people decide not to come, that is on them. Don't let their drama mar your day. I'm sure you don't have time for all that shit.
Remember to hide slices of birthday cake for yourselves to destroy when everyone has left.

I love my mum. I love my dad. I love them equally. Yes my dad made a mistake. But so did my mum for many years. Don't criticise me for wanting to have the best relationship I can with both my parents. They may not have been right for each other but they are still my mum and dad
OP you sound like such a thoughtful daughter who is putting your child first and doing well to balance a difficult situation.

Ultimately, your mum can't hold every family gathering to ransom over when she does/doesn't feel like being arouns your dad.
I might have a bit more understanding if they'd not spoken in yeara but she manages in the business so a party should be no different. Right now your mum is picking and choosing when she's fine to be around him or not.

3 bowling lanes. Left one for mum, you and ds in the middle and your dad on the right. Anybody that wants to ignore anybody, can.

What was your Mum's mistake for many years?

I would definitely be siding with your Mum. Your Dad's the one who acted badly, not your Mum. She was obviously very deeply hurt by him, to the point that she's still scared to commit to her new partner. It's probably a defense mechanism to stop him hurting her in the same way your Dad did.

I would suggest that gf (and Dad if necessary) see DS the following day, and maybe do something nice with him themselves?

I am not having anyone have a go at me for my relationship with my dad. Do any of you have any idea what it's like to bring up a child with special needs? My dad is amazing with my son. And my other dc. I want them to have their grandad. I need as much support as I can around me also. I love my dad. It's none of anyone's business why I still have a relationship with him.

I don't want to regret anything when he's dead.

And like I say, his gf and I have built a relationship. She's built a relationship with my kids. My kids adore her and she's made such an effort to bond with them. Which again, having a ds with special needs.....that actually means the world. I have so many family and friends that have shut us out because of ds. Haven't heard from them for years. Have even had some of them make fun out of ds.

The amount of family and friends I have left is very limited due to my son being disabled. I appreciate EVERYONE who wants to be apart of his life. Which is heartbreaking if I'm honest.

Your parents have been divorced for 9 years. Your mum has been in a new relationship for 8. Your dad's gf is not the other woman. Your mum needs to move on and accept that who your dad sees is none of her business.

In your situation Id invite both your parents and their partners and then let them decide for themselves who's coming. If your mum wants to stay home, let her. And if she starts up about your dad I'd tell her you don't want to hear it.

I do understand this. My parents split for the same reason when I was 4. I'm now 34. My mum is still like this and it's a fucking nightmare.

That being said, I do think it's always quite cruel the way the cheated on spouse is always asked to be the bigger person.

If I was you, I'd chat to your mum, let her know that you understand she's hurting. But that in future you would like all family members and partners to celebrate special occasions together.

I do agree though that it's a shame your dad has done this rather last minute. He has his share of the mess as well as your mum.

Hope your ds has a lovely birthday party and everyone behaves themselves.

Forgiving someone is not the same as condoning their behaviour. You can say "what you did was wrong, but I forgive you" Forgiveness is actually a selfish act, you do it for yourself, not the other person (or at least that's how I see it) To badly paraphrase Buddha... "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. "

I am not having anyone have a go at me for my relationship with my dad. Do any of you have any idea what it's like to bring up a child with special needs? My dad is amazing with my son.

Well said OP. I do know what it’s like, I have 3 autistic children and had a complicated relationship with my Mum over the years. What I would never have done is denied her or my children the relationship that they had, and all benefited from over the years they had together.

Please don’t let the projecting of other posters affect you OP, it’s not about your situation, it’s theirs.

OP, You sound very sensible and thoughtful.

I think I’d not bother discussing it with anyone and would just make it clear everyone’s invited. If your Mum complains then I’d tell her that she can do what she likes but you aren’t getting involved.

BTW, it sounds like you haven’t actually told your Mum the GF is coming yet, maybe, she won’t mind and you are worrying for nothing. 🤷🏻‍♀️