Which parents side would you take?

[bitzy12]

Bit if background first but I'll make it brief.

My dad had an affair 9 years ago. Mum and dad got divorced. Dad stayed with ow for 7 years - they split up 2 years ago. Ow was awful. And I'm not just saying this, she was an evil woman. She put my family through a hell of a lot on her own, without my dads doing. Anyway through it all I stayed in contact with my dad and now we are closer than ever.

So dad and ow split a couple of years ago. Dad has now met someone else and been with her for a year. She is absolutely lovely. It's so nice to see my dad with someone as kind and caring as this lady.

My mum has been with her new partner for about 8 years. She's still extremely bitter about the affair and has never truly got over it. She will talk about it at any given chance. Wants to know everything my dad does in his personal life etc. She's put me in some pretty awkward situations over the years tbh but I've always known she's never got over my dad. I've suggested she has counselling in this past but she insists she's fine.

So here's the dilemma:

It's my ds bday on Sunday. Ds is autistic. He's turning 9. This year he is actually having a birthday party :-) it be his first one ever as over the years parties have just been too much for him to deal with. Ds wants the whole family there.

I've explained to my mum that my dad will be coming and she was fine with that. Dads gf works every Sunday and knew she wouldn't be able to make it.....

Until yesterday when dad rang and asked if the gf could come.

Now I know my mum will not be comfortable with this. If say to her that dads gf is coming then I know my mum just won't turn up. She was similar at my wedding and that was just the fact she was uncomfortable with my dad giving me away. It was all 'if your dad goes then I'm not going' etc. Thankfully she got over that and the day went as planned. Dad didn't bring anyone to the wedding.

Dads new gf has been great with my son and really made an effort to bond with him. She's absolutely not trying to step on anyone's toes which is what my mum will think.

So what do I do? Who's side will you take?

I can see it from my mums side. I really can. But then I also look at it as the affair was 9 years ago. The ow is out of the picture thankfully and the new gf has never done anything wrong to hurt any of us.

I'm getting a be fed up of getting put in awkward situations like this tbh. I'm also 35 weeks pregnant and just can't be doing with it.

I told my dad that my mum would be uncomfortable with it and that he can mention it to her and leave me out of it. My mum and dad actually still speak on a daily basis due to a family business that we run so it's not like they haven't spoken for years or never see eachother.

It's all just one big complicated situation but I just want my ds to have a good day with no stress. I don't want to upset my mum. I don't want to upset my dads gf either. I obviously feel the loyalties lie with my mum but it just makes me feel s**t to dads gf. We've grown close and she's helped me so much through my pregnancy.

The party is bowling if that helps. We have 3 lanes booked and 16 kids coming aswell as family and friends.

Sorry turned into a bit of an essay....

It’s all very well saying your Mum should move on, but if she can’t, she can’t. Your dad wronged her, and it still hurts. Bully for him, he’s got a lovely new gf after his affair didn’t work out.

What isn’t fair is that the gf, who is an innocent party in this, is drawing her fire.

So I’d say talk to your DM, remind her that the gf was not the cause of her break up with your DF, your DS likes her and wants her to be there and so do you. You also would like your DM’s partner there. Explain the logistics, bowling alley, no need to interact if she doesn’t want to, and as other pps have said, remind her how important it is to your DS that she is there.

Now might not be the time but your DM needs to understand that it’s unhealthy letting her own life be eaten up with bitterness. She needs to stop stalking the OW who is now an irrelevance.

I don't think that you should take sides at all. Yes your mum went through a horrible time and your dad really treat d her badly at the time. But this is not an excuse for your mum to be blackmailing her daughter and grandson into taking sides nine years later.

I think that you've been very kind accommodating her prejudices and wishes for nine years, and also in dealing with the horrible ow. Now it's time for you to call a few wants and wishes. You should tell everyone that you want both parents and their partners at the party, that you don't want him growing up having to choose who he sees based on what they want. Tell them you're all mature enough to be polite and mix for a few hours. If anyone wants to then threaten not to come, well they'll miss out.

Privately I'd tell your mum that you love her very much, understand she went through a hard time all those years ago, but it's not healthy to carry this on and on, and it's not fair to inflict it on her family. She sounds like she needs some counselling to get her head round it, she's spoiling her life because of it.

An awful lot of people on this thread are getting far too drawn into the ins and outs of OP's mum and dad's relationship. With the best of wills, it is irrelevant.

OP, speak to your DS, ask him if he would like your Dad's GF at his party. It is his birthday it is his choice.

IF DS says that he would like Dad's GF there, then message Your mother, father, and their other halves. Explain that DS has specifically said that he would like them all at his party. Also say that the party is a very big deal for DS and he is excited. Emphasise that they are ALL welcome and that the day is about DS. Say that you assume that as reasonable adults they are capable of putting their much loved DGS ahead of their own foibles and that they will all attend and behave in a civil manner.

something along the lines of "Hello everyone, just a little reminder that DS party is on Xdate at Y time. He has specifically said that he would like you ALL there so I hope you will all be able to make it as this is his special day and he is very excited. I am sure that we are all, as reasonable adults, capable of setting a good example to DS by putting him first and behaving agreeably. Look forward to seeing you there."

OP, speak to your DS, ask him if he would like your Dad's GF at his party. It is his birthday it is his choice.

Definitely do not do this - do not put your son in the middle. You are the adult, you decide what is best for him. And if that is everyone being there to celebrate with him, that's what you ask them to do.

Sounds like the GF has been wonderful with him.

I've no stomach for anybody who would use a child's birthday party to score points against their exH.
That is twisted beyond words.
OP - I am sure you mum is usually lovely, but she has really lost the plot on this one.

Then she needs to either get help or keep the hurt she feels from poisoning her relationship with her daughter and grandchildren. He may have behaved badly by having an affair but he was allowed to leave the marriage and she does not get to control him or his relationships nearly a decade later.

Then she needs to either get help or keep the hurt she feels from poisoning her relationship with her daughter and grandchildren. He may have behaved badly by having an affair but he was allowed to leave the marriage and she does not get to control him or his relationships nearly a decade later.

Completely agree.

Agree, your Mum needs to get some help with moving on, not just for you and DS’s sake, but for her and her DP’s sake. She should be enjoying life, not feeling bitter and twisted. And she’s definitely making herself hard work (as much as you love her) if she thinks you being cheated on isn’t the same as her being cheated on!

Initially when I read your message I thought you should just not take sides - invite them all and let them decide whether or not they wanted to come

But having read your further posts i’ve changed my mind. What’s important is your ds on this occasion and he would want your Mum there. So you should speak to your Mum about it first of all, you may find she’s not as bothered by this new woman as she was the ow.
If she does react how you expect I’d not invite your Dad’s gf, for this party - I don’t think your ds’s party is the time to force the point, it’ll either result in your Mum not coming which’ll upset your son, or your Mum will work herself up about it beforehand and even if it all goes fine, will be on edge and possibly upset your son

But i’d also be telling her that you won’t invite the gf this time, but that you won’t make the allowance for her again, and then finding an opportunity - that isn’t about your son to get them all together, your Mum will probably find it’s not as bad as she imagined it will be and it’ll be easier for the next occasion for your ds or you’ll all know that your Mum really can’t cope with the situation and never to invite them both again

@SpandexTutu I don't think it is putting her DS in the middle at all. IT would only be putting him in the middle if you said to him. "Granny and Grandad don't like each other much, so Granny says she won't come to your party if Gradad GF is there. Do you want Grandad GF there or Granny" Which isn't what I'm suggesting at all.

All I am saying is that it is DS party, before getting into a flap about the adults OP should establish if Dad GF is someone who DS would like at his party in the first place. I expect the answer will be yes, given the OP says GF has worked hard to build a relationship with DS.

If DS would like them all there then frankly the adults have to just swallow their pride and like I said they need to put DS before their own issues and just get a grip. It's not about sides or anyoine being in the middle. it's about a group of adults who care about an individual child, putting that child before themselves.

To add - if your Dad’s gf is a decent sort she’ll understand that it’s not personal, the day is about your son, and not the time to create a situation which is likely to upset his Nan. (Unless your Dad’s not been honest with her about the history...)

I'd just stay out of it and not mention the GF is coming.

I know someone who hasn't gotten over being cheated on 15 years after the divorce, but she swears she's completely over it.

There are a couple of factors here. One is that the GF, as lovely as she sounds, is relatively new on the scene. Although I'm sure it's tiring to deal with your mum's emotional baggage from what's happened, I really think she should be prioritised in this situation, particularly if DS would miss her the most. And I agree with a PP who said that it's often the cheated on party who gets told to suck it up, be the bigger person etc. People process grief in different ways and it's not linear or sensible, but that's grief for you. (She should probably seek some professional advice, but that's a separate issue.) Just speak to your dad and ask him to stick to the original plan, he doesn't need to attend with his GF.

He may have behaved badly by having an affair but he was allowed to leave the marriage and she does not get to control him or his relationships nearly a decade later.

I don’t think that’s what’s going on though. Like Theniggle I see this as grief taking its time to work through.

Sounds a bit like your mum is modeling what she thinks is ‘good behaviour’ by excluding her partner, and expecting your dad to do the same. It’s a way of claiming the higher moral ground for herself.

(I know because I am guilty of doing this myself sometimes)

I feel sorry for your mums new partner tbh. She treats him like that after 8 years?

I wouldn’t upset your DM over this. Why would you put your father’s and his new GF’s feelings over hers? It would spoil the party for her even if she agrees to come with them there.

He’s put you in a difficult position. Tell him no and tell him why.

I'd be telling them all to grow the fuck up. A child's birthday isn't the time or place to air grievances and the should be civil for his sake already for duration of the party. It's a bit pathetic they can't be.

Rotten situation, OP.
Other posters have been wiser than me: I would try to emphasise to both parents that you expect them to put their grandson's feelings FIRST, whatever they think about each other, their grandson should not feel any of their tension on his birthday. You are not telling them what to do because they are adults & they can sort out a good solution. I hope this works for you. x