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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just Broken -DD

88 replies

Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 22:52

Have NC for this.

Please don’t judge me.

My DD and I were always so close. As soon as her periods started at 13 she changed into another person.

I’ve fought like mad to help her. Changed schools, she’s been diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve been to all the relevant parenting classes. I’ve fought for CAHMS and a family support worker and RESPONSE. She’s totally off the rails - drinking to the extreme, ignoring the family support contracts we put in place, getting a bit physical, total school refusal but will go out with “friends” but then comes home pissed and crying.

I just honestly can’t work out what’s real mental health and what’s behaviour. I’ve always been such a strong parent but I just don’t want to get it wrong. Sorry I may drip-feed but I’m so unhappy. I don’t know where my lovely, bubbly little girl went and I’m crying so much. I don’t know how to treat it.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 31/07/2018 22:53

I cant imagine how hard that is, I just wanted to send you Flowers and a hug.

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:02

@UpstartCrow thank you so much. I know there are no answers - I’m just so sad x

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 31/07/2018 23:04

Have you looked at her hormones? That was what did it for me, got to 14 before my mum stuck me on the pill and I went back to moderately normal

coolncalm · 31/07/2018 23:06

I'm sure it won't always be like this broken, you'll get through it. Please don't despair, it will get better. Flowers

Seasawride · 31/07/2018 23:07

Oh lovely don’t be hard on yourself.

Are you sure it’s her hormones? Has something else happened to her she hasn’t told you about?

How old is she now?

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:07

I wish I could get across on a thread how she is. She can talk to me about anything but I also would never push her. I am dying to track her periods to look for a potential pattern but she’s SO closed off so I don’t push her. She’s 50/50 Split between me and her Dad so it’s impossible to track.

OP posts:
SunflowerJo08 · 31/07/2018 23:08

She's pushing you big time because she wants to test your breaking point. This is where you need to be the adult, big time. Lay out your expectations of her, and if those are broken, she loses privileges - phone credit, wifi, money, whatever. Like she would have done as a 3 or 4 year old, she is desperate for your attention and to rescue her. I'm afraid it's likely that she could be in way over her head with her friends. Some early teens completely freak out when they are given too much rope by their parents, e.g. allowed out on a Friday night, and so on. I noticed a massive change in my DS's behaviour when he started walking home from primary (Yr 5, from June) by himself. Anything that he has to self-regulate, he just can't do.

You're expecting her to self-regulate the freedom she has been given as a 13 year old, but she can't, so she's making noise for you to rescue her. I would be having the Pill conversation, fast. Make it clear that her behaviour is crossing your lines of expectation. Early teens desperately need boundaries and, though it will exhaust you laying them out, eventually she will respond.

Cheeselover23 · 31/07/2018 23:08

Could the assessment have affected her? Like having a "label"? I used to be like this but suddenly grew up very quickly without any real reason. No advice but maybe just try to support her as much as possible and then she may become the same girl as before eventually. Hope everything works out for you x

Mariatequila · 31/07/2018 23:09

I was like your daughter as a teen (though I didn’t have ADHD) I refused to go to school, went out drinking all the time, pushed everyone away. My story isn’t a good warning though as everything turned out fine for me (through ambition & working smart). The only thing you can do really is talk to her, ask her what she wants her future to look like, ask her how she pictured her relationship with you? (I’d ask questions but not lead the answers or push for definite answers) I think meds may help to regulate her emotions. I remember when I was like that it was because I wanted to ‘live’ and I felt that doing the mundane, the same as everyone else wasn’t ‘living’ like I was disillusioned with what life had become. Maybe she needs something to focus on, to achieve, to compete in, something she really likes doing & is good at (a sport perhaps). My apologies my response is a bit all over the place & not really helpful, just trying to suggest things that would’ve helped me at the time. Wishing you the best.

SunflowerJo08 · 31/07/2018 23:09

As someone else has suggested, it does sound also that something else has "happened", no doubt within her friendship group. I'd also be speaking to the school and getting them on board. What is her behaviour like when she is with her Dad?

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:11

Thank you all. And thank you so much. It’s so difficult to know whether to hug her or sanction her! Certainly no more money - that trust is broken. One minute she’s a vile teenager- the next she’s like a bewildered toddler and it’s honestly no act. I had a significant thing happen to me in childhood and I’m 99% sure I’ve kept her clear from that. She’s 14. It’s just so confusing. I don’t know whether to punish or comfort.

OP posts:
buckingfrolicks · 31/07/2018 23:14

comfort at this stage I would think. And pick your battles - let all the small stuff go.
it's hell. I feel for you. you are not alone in having this experience . This too will pass.

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:16

@SunflowerJo08

When I did all those santions she literally lay in bed for three weeks. No telky, no phone, no showers. She just got up to toilet and occasionally eat (not much). Her eating is erratic. She’s not anorexic or bulimic. She can go for ages with no food but can also eat loads. She hates being skinny so I sneak full fat milk, butter etc into her diet. Her BMI is really low.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 31/07/2018 23:17

Is she on any form of hormonal contraception? I would be getting her on it sharpish

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:18

@cheeselover23 Actually - though I see where you’re coming from her diagnosis is one of the only positives. It’s given her some comfort to know she’s not going insane and we’ve done so much research into inspirational ADHD people 🙂

OP posts:
Seasawride · 31/07/2018 23:20

Can you afford private counselling op? What’s her GP like?

Again Flowers and 14 is the worst age ever for every teenager

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:21

@Mariatequila Thank you so much. My issue is that despite family, friends and professional help she’s doung NOTHING to contribute which makes it so hard to know how to parent. How did you feel during that time? Did you hate your parents?

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:24

I did private counselling but with CAHMS, RESPONSE, School counselling, Family Support Worker etc she rightly said she’d back out as it was too much for my DD (mentally draining).

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:27

Her Dad is remarried to a lovely lady who treats her like her own. She has two half-sisters but we’ve always called them “sisters”.

It’s so hard to put into words but it’s literally like a switch went off when her periods started. I won’t risk the pill because of her risk taking behaviour.

The thing that’s the hardest is that she really seems to hate me more than anyone in the world.

OP posts:
Cheeselover23 · 31/07/2018 23:28

My diagnosis gave me comfort too, I just also struggled with having that sudden "label" as such. I know how much of relief finally knowing that you are normal you just need a bit of extra help is. I was actually very depressed at one point because of knowing that if I told people my diagnosis (for whatever reason such as warning people of how my behaviour can be very different every other minute) they suddenly saw me as "cheeselover23 with Aspergers" not just "cheeselover23" which is quite a hard thing to cope with. I still struggle nine years on from being told I possibly have it.
However if you're certain this isn't something she struggles with I definitely recommend looking into other posters suggestions x

Cheeselover23 · 31/07/2018 23:30

@Broken1000 I'm sure she doesn't hate you, please try to remember the times she's told you she loves you because it can make the times she's horrible slightly easier

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:35

@Cheeselover23 I work with people with Aspergers and I love their complete honesty and way of looking at the world. Lovliest, funniest and most honest people I’ve ever met!

@Cheeselover23 I’ve said the same to a load of parents in parental meetings but my cousin went down the wrong path and never recovered so I’m so scared.

OP posts:
Cheeselover23 · 31/07/2018 23:41

I'm sorry I can't give much advice from the parenting perspective just the child's one but at the end of the day I knew my mum was there for me and it sounds like she knows that too. I really hope it works out for you two like it did me and my mum, and I'm sure it will.
You sound like an amazing parent and I'm sorry you feel so upset. I don't know what else to say but I hope someone who has been on the parenting side of it will give you some really good advice x

nokidshere · 31/07/2018 23:42

It’s so hard to put into words but it’s literally like a switch went off when her periods started. I won’t risk the pill because of her risk taking behaviour

Do you mean you think she will start having sex if she is on the pill?

It sounds like she might go there anyway given her erratic behaviour now? It may well help her and she gets protected from pregnancy at the same time so surely it's worth looking into?

Apologies if I've got that wrong though

Seasawride · 31/07/2018 23:45

She doesn’t hate you more love she trusts you more so she can show hate and she knows you will understand.

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