Just Broken -DD

[Broken1000]

Have NC for this.

Please don’t judge me.

My DD and I were always so close. As soon as her periods started at 13 she changed into another person.

I’ve fought like mad to help her. Changed schools, she’s been diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve been to all the relevant parenting classes. I’ve fought for CAHMS and a family support worker and RESPONSE. She’s totally off the rails - drinking to the extreme, ignoring the family support contracts we put in place, getting a bit physical, total school refusal but will go out with “friends” but then comes home pissed and crying.

I just honestly can’t work out what’s real mental health and what’s behaviour. I’ve always been such a strong parent but I just don’t want to get it wrong. Sorry I may drip-feed but I’m so unhappy. I don’t know where my lovely, bubbly little girl went and I’m crying so much. I don’t know how to treat it.

Very different scenario as my challenging teen was DS so no hormone issues. But FWIW we hit a wall in year 9 with poor behaviour at school & at home.

Top & bottom was DS was being bullied at school and also struggling in some lessons so avoiding homework. (Almost certainly undiagnosed spectrum disorder, but HF so challenges not taken seriously & referral refused by GP). This meant he had a poor relationship with his teachers and didn’t feel able to seek help for the bullying.

DS would then come home and create - due to issues at school- and was shouted at / punished by us, and the relationship with us also deteriorated.

From DS POV everyone was against him. Unsurprisingly his mental health was poor. He was lashing out at everyone, and I guess it was worst at home where he was “safe”. Although your circumstances are very different OP, I can imagine that your DD May feel similar.

For us the solution was almost accidental. School were so crap at dealing with the bullying that we couldn’t leave him there, and didn’t feel a move - at the time - was right either. So we home schooled, not an easy decision at all, but it seemed the —only— best idea in the circumstances. We rationalised that he wasn’t achieving at school and that we needed to focus on DS’ mental health.

By removing the stress of school, DS’ behaviour and his relationship with us improved rapidly, it allowed us to get out of the negative cycle, and we were later able to manage a start at a new school where he achieved all his GCSEs.

I’m sorry that’s long! I suppose what I’m saying is to concentrate on her mental health and her relationship with you. it sounds like a tough time.

I can honestly say I don't know how on earth my mum survived with me as a teen, we were at the point of screaming matches at 3am until one of us cried - usually her. I was absolutely awful. Went on the pill, 7 days later, not one screaming match, self destructive behaviour, nothing. I stopped drinking, stopped disappearing, it all stopped. I was just so damn angry all the time, I hated my body, hated my brain, hated the way I was feeling and didn't know why, the pill stopped it.
I would honestly look at some form of hormonal contraception to see if it regulates her.

Where does she get alcohol from?
Does she have a boyfriend?
Who are the "friends" you referred to in your first post?

@butteredparsn1ps

Early on in the process her Dad briefly mentioned home-schooling and she fiercely latched onto it and that’s when school refusal started. It was a throwaway comment which he now bitterly regrets as neither of us are in a position to do it. Also, her oldest little sister is now saying “I don’t want to go to school. How come Xxx gets to stay off?” which is hard for them as a family.

@Queenofthestress another successful pill story. I will DEFINITELY speak to the GP though frankly she’s been the most useless part of the process. Everyone else has been amazing.

@meantangerine

She has stolen it from me in the past (I no longer have it in the house). She knows two off licences where people will go in and buy it. She won’t tell me where. I’m appalled that adults still do this. I now have to hide my purse.

She’s always struggled with friendships. I’ve read a lot about ADHD and believe this is quite common. I’m not saying this because she’s my daughter but she is very pretty but she genuinely believes she’s ugly and that no boy will ever want her. However, when she gets into nasty rages with me her whole face changes as she snarls and it’s unattractive in every way.

She has snogged two people that I know of but it hasn’t led anywhere which causes her to spiral. Both times pissed.

I’m not giving her money anymore but then I worry what she’ll do to get alcohol.

There are no sanctions that work. She even escaped off my flat roof when I told her she couldn’t go out.

I know she sounds like a total nightmare but the absolute truth isthat she’s desperately unhappy in her own skin.

Perhaps try a family planning clinic if the gp isn’t helpful. They usually run sessions just for younger people and often have a better idea about what time of contraception is best. If the pill helps they might suggest a longer term method, particularly if she isn’t great at remembering to take medication - although you can get apps now to remind you.

Is she medicated for ADHD?
It was a life changer for my DD. Her self esteem improved which in turn improved all other aspects of her life. She felt she was failing at everything as she couldn't concentrate, maintain friendships, work well etc. ADHD changed a lot of that.

Sending you a hug. It is just so hard, I have got two DS but my friends have DD and a few of them are having a really tough time, remember your DD loves you and I know it can’t feel like it at times, but we often take our frustrations out in the people we love the most.

It’s a difficult age, try to keep the communication going, she may be wanting attention, she will come through it and you will be close again in the future. Keep your chin up OP

Very different scenario as my challenging teen was DS so no hormone issues.

Not at all intending to derail the thread but teenage boys have hormonal changes too which can affect their mood and behaviour - 'hormones' aren't just something that happen to girls.

Sorry. As you all were. I hope you find a good solution for your daughter OP.

If it makes you feel any better, my dyslexic step sister was off the rails at 14 - drinking, boys, violent outbursts, stealing from the family, kicked out of every school in the area. Although to be fair our home life was absolutely shocking at the time with one thing and another.

By 16 she had calmed down, by 21 she had settled down, and now at 37 she has a strong marriage and four amazing kids and is by far the most laid back and responsible of the four of us. No real strategy was employed, she just found her own way towards happiness. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to be there for your girl, I really hope she finds her way too xx

With the ADHD medication, have a look at the side effects. It could be that she's avoiding taking them because they make her feel so horrible. DD2 was on anti-depressants for a while having shown similar traits that you are describing and when I looked at the side effects it was anxiety and suicidal tendencies she stopped taking them and felt better almost immediately we then obviously had to try other methods to solve the initial problems.

The pill worked massively for regulating the moods of both DD's

The other thing that has made a massive difference was seeing a dietician (be very careful there are a lot of quacks out there in this field) she was having physical symptoms which the doctors couldn't make any sense of, the dietician put her on a low fat high fibre diet and she is a different person.

Also (very sorry if this sounds judgy its not meant to) at 14 how is she getting her alcohol? Is there anything you can do to stop that?

Good luck, I once told my DD2 that she'd broken me to which she replied 'I don't care' Its so hard and even now a couple of years on we are not completely out of it and I still feel very fragile from time to time.

sorry just reread your post and missed the bit about the alcohol. If you can nail down where it is you can report them, the off-licences can lose their licence for that and unless you are in a really big city there aren't that many old fashioned 'offies' about these days as they've been priced out by the big supermarkets.

That sounds so sad. No suggestions just sending you

Wow everyone, thanks so much. Family Support Worker on the way to complete the EHAT but I'm not sure it's worth it - not that I'm giving up but I honestly don't think it will work. I'll see what she says.

I'm overwhelmed by how many people feel their moods were regulated by the pill and thanks to the poster who said to do it through a clinic. That does seem like a good idea.

Much earlier in the thread which I've read a thousand times today someone said about a hobby. Her Step-Mum got her a job in a local animal sanctuary at weekends. The first day was okay but because nobody 'directed' her as to what to do and she has no confidence to approach people to ask she had to be forced the second time.

This is what I mean - when is it 'bad' behaviour and when is it mental health issues? That makes the world of difference in terms of how to parent.

This could have been me writing this. My DD was very similar , in primary she struggled to make academic progress but tried so hard, she was very anxious about lots of things and overthought everything e.g. Going on holiday shed be fixated for months our plane would crash.

Literally the day she started secondary she changed, she was highly abusive to staff and me, was completely out of control, I'd ground her but she'd leave anyway saying if you stop me physically I'll call the police! She was excluded from school and ended up in a behavioural school, she too has ADHD and refused medication (due to side effects). She was defiant and had no respect , I dreaded being at home as every day there was a big screaming rage and she smashed all her belongings, every day there was a request from having a house party to requests for vodka etc as soon as I said no things would become unbearable and often last all night. My poor neighbours made several noise complaints and this made her worse , and she used this to blackmail me by banging on their wall and screaming endlessly. I tried everything (sorry to say she was on the pill made no difference!) nothing worked.

Then she left school and started college , her attendance is still bad but she changed back overnight. I didn't change anything she is now kind and considerate and we have a great relationship again, she has the odd moment but these are few and far between, she now says she loves me and hugs me again and we chat and do things together. She is very anxious again and is now taking anti-depressants and this has really helped. My theory is (I'm no doctor) that she was always highly anxious but struggled to show this so instead her default emotion was anger and trying to control everyone, school was also a very difficult experience for her and once she stopped her anxiety reduced significantly.

I really hope things improve for you too

With the pill it often seems to be a certain brand of pill that works for a person in that way. I think it's Yasmin one of my friends has, like a PP. She started taking it because of acne, and found it helped her moods a lot more than another type she'd tried. (But other brands may be better for some - if it helps them. It obviously doesn't make such a difference for everyone but it seems a relevant thing to try here.)

@runninglateeverydaythank you for sharing your story.

I had an issue that I couldn’t tell anyone about until I was in my late teens. I had depression and wallowed in self-pity and the “black dog” still visits from time to time but I pulled myself up, I think I’ve read every self-help book there is and I plough on every day. DD doesn’t know any of this. My issue now is that because my own DD is so unhappy and so unwilling to brace any changes I feel like I’m sliding back myself. I look a bloody mess for the FSW visit but I honestly feel like I don’t have the mental energy to complete the simplest of tasks. That makes me feel like a total hypocrite when trying to understand Dd.

@Broken

What support do YOU have? Just for you? Do you have a friend you can offload to or have you seen the GP about your own stress levels? In order to be right for DD you need to be right yourself.
My mum wasn't, she didn't believe in mental health issues unless it was something like split personality, hearing voices, psychotic break etc - she was an old style nurse and I just needed to 'get my act together'. She was massively depressed herself though, and when she finally got treatment, she was much better placed to help my younger siblings through their teen years, I was older by this point.
Please, please look after yourself too, don't let this thing drown both of you x

I think it's fairly typical for girls to develop ADHD symptoms later as a result of hormonal changes when they hit puberty (although that's little comfort to you). If that's a factor hormonal birth control could be a life saver.

I've heard CAHMs can be pretty rubbish - could you afford any private therapy for her (with a specialist in ADHD)?

It’s not your fault she’s old enough that she can take the blame for her actions.

Thanks everyone. I have a great support system but DD gets jealous and says I use them to make her look bad which I swear isn’t the case. @buswankeress (great name btw) I think I will go back to the GP. I’m going to have BBC News on when FSW comes only because my belly rumbles like mad when I’m stressed and in a silent room its SO embarrassing. It honestly sounds like thunder! I struggled so much with it during exams but I still pushed myself through. Interviews were never easy either! Honestly my stomach sounds like a flipping storm!

@IceCreamFace. I was paying an amazing counsellor at one point but professionals don’t like the overload of CAMHS, GP, FSW etc and CAMHS are the most important to get things moving.

@Manycrisps I TOTALLY agree. I sanction her actions but her deep sadness makes me tread carefully. Her Dad and I are so worried about self-medication. She is deeply unhappy.

What I’ve got from this thread is the consideration of the Pill. Ill talk to her FSW about this. She’s due any time.

I hope it's a positive meeting for both of you and I hope your belly behaves!

Perhaps your daughter needs to know that you have some personal experience and understanding ofmental health issues. Would you be able to talk to her about your own issues in the past so that she knows you have been there.

Thinking of you and your dd

I had a difficult teenage years ..my parents divorced and it sent me off the rails.i couldn't cope with going between 2 families...I ended up in hospital

She was on Concerta and now Straterra but she will say she’s taken them when she hasn’t so her Dad and I watch her take them which doesn’t feel good and I’m sure isn’t a nice thing for her
Don't worry. If I am having a bad day my parents think nothing of saying in front of people "HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR TABLETS TODAY?"

I am 39 years old and that is not a nice thing for me!!