Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just Broken -DD

88 replies

Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 22:52

Have NC for this.

Please don’t judge me.

My DD and I were always so close. As soon as her periods started at 13 she changed into another person.

I’ve fought like mad to help her. Changed schools, she’s been diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve been to all the relevant parenting classes. I’ve fought for CAHMS and a family support worker and RESPONSE. She’s totally off the rails - drinking to the extreme, ignoring the family support contracts we put in place, getting a bit physical, total school refusal but will go out with “friends” but then comes home pissed and crying.

I just honestly can’t work out what’s real mental health and what’s behaviour. I’ve always been such a strong parent but I just don’t want to get it wrong. Sorry I may drip-feed but I’m so unhappy. I don’t know where my lovely, bubbly little girl went and I’m crying so much. I don’t know how to treat it.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/07/2018 23:46

I've got no advice but wanted to give you a hug.

Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:48

@Cheeselover23 how do you get on with your Mum know because my DD treats me like everything is my fault and I gave her such a lovely childhood.

@nokidshere She’s classed as “high risk” in terms of behavior which is why she’s with RESPONSE. I just feel bereft because when she drinks (yes at 14) she turns into another person. I can’t believe people still buy children drinks at an off licence. Rest assured she’s not going out again this holiday. She can hate me all she likes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken1000 · 31/07/2018 23:50

Ladies thank you all so much. I’m crying less now. Your support is incredible x

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 31/07/2018 23:51

Do you have any way you can get her away on holiday for a week or two, to see if a change in environment will help?

Italiangreyhound · 31/07/2018 23:54

XXXXXX

pennycarbonara · 31/07/2018 23:57

Given the way it all started around the same time as her periods, it really does seem like it makes sense to try varieties of pill as a potential solution. It would be awful if it turned out that would help a lot, and she wasn't going to get a chance to try it for years. It sounds like something that merits more serious discussion with her doctor.

(I don't readily suggest it as I am one of these people who has adverse reactions to hormonal contraception - and on a personal level it feels like evil stuff - but a couple of friends find the right pill utterly essential to their mental health and say they couldn't function without it, and this has been the case for over 20 years.)

Cheeselover23 · 01/08/2018 00:00

I had to move out for us to get on again (we were too similar in every way and have had issues since I was tiny). I didn't speak to her from January until April, when I announced I was pregnant. However, just two days after telling her I started to miscarry. She was the first person I turned to when I was at hospital by myself and was told I'd lost the baby.
We still have occasional issues as I believe every mother and daughter does but I grew up very quickly recently and we haven't had any issues for about a month.
I don't think my situation is very comforting but I wanted to be honest with my reply. I also think from your posts it won't take you two living separately to have a good relationship again. I really do believe that.

superdink · 01/08/2018 00:02

Lack of trust. You talk about sneaking fats into her food? Why not just tell her, especially if she hates being skinny. Also, don't try to track her cycle, I assume you are going through her bins/worn underwear?

HeddaGarbled · 01/08/2018 00:16

ADHD can often manifest as self-destructive behaviour. So it can be both mental health difficulties and behavioural difficulties at the same time.

I’ve seen young people with ADHD turn around once they started work or found an interest/hobby that they had a passion for. For example, one young woman who was putting herself at real risk with her sexual behaviour, settled down amazingly when she started volunteering for a hospital radio station.

Another young man started a college course in music production. He was older than the other students (because of his scrappy educational history) and the younger students looked up to him because of his superior knowledge and skills, which had a transformative effect on him.

Buswankeress · 01/08/2018 00:39

I was like your daughter as a teen, tracked from about 6 months before I started my periods. I had a social worker, stayed with anyone that would have me (family/friends) drank a lot, same type of behavior. ADHD wasn't heard of then, or at least not in my case. I saw psychologists and psychiatrists and councillors. It all only really changed in my mid 20's when I went on the pill. It was like a black cloud was lifted and suddenly my brain worked again, I wasn't angry, confused, conflicted and upset all the time. I used to spend 3 weeks in a hell hole, behaving awfully, and then a week (after my period) doing damage limitation and trying to work out what the hell was wrong with me. I wish I'd gone on the pill sooner, so I could have had a better time. I'm back to square one ATM because I'm off the pill due to age etc, but I'm so much better placed with age, experience and knowledge to deal with it now. One GP I had said it's not necessarily the hormones themselves but rather my brain and body being sensitive to them.
I absolutely get where you're coming from regarding the pill and risk taking, but realistically, the side effect of contraception might be a good thing? If she's drinking and miserable? Or could you try it while you have her at home, with no access to money etc as you do now?

I'm really sorry for both of you, I put my mum through hell, but I also went through it as well, no one's wrong and no one's right, it's just how the two of you, and other support, can muddle through day to day.
Flowers for both of you x

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 01/08/2018 00:51

Don't worry too much about her food, if it isn't a red flag issue. I always ate next to bugger all for a day or two then had a big fry up, it's a pattern I've had for 40 years. Being forced to have breakfast does my head in even now as my body hasn't woken up! Teenagers are frequently very slim, that's normal.

She's lucky to have a great mum. Not sure I have any practical advice otherwise but I do agree she's like this with you because she can be herself with you. X

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 01/08/2018 01:14

Really sorry this is happening for you op. I’ve read all the posts and there’s some good positive advice there.
One thing I’d like to say though is that when a teenage girl (my only experience) treats you like a piece of dirt, sometimes it’s cos they know they have your unconditional love.
They can’t do it to anyone else. They are a big bag of hormones.
Sounds like your dd still needs to be held.
She’s pushing you away with her drinking and bad behaviour but I’m sure that’s the last thing she wants.
Sorry if that’s a load of crap.
All good wishes to you op.

Allthewaves · 01/08/2018 03:25

Have you and your daughter considered medication for adhd. There's a real variety now not just stimulants. Adhd are prone to risky behaviours due to poor impulse control. In my own experience the right medication can make a massive difference. Also a good exercise plan can help control adhd symptoms

Allthewaves · 01/08/2018 03:27

I read interesting article that most adhd kids are 5 years emotionally behind their actual age. So u have a stroppy teen with the maturity of a 9 yr old

Coyoacan · 01/08/2018 03:42

I does sound hormonal. My dd became impossible at the age of twelve, in her case, apart from the PMT, she had very bad period pains. What worked with her was acupuncture. Just the very first treatment and she was a different person. Afterwards she said that she didn't want to say the things she did, but she felt she couldn't stop herself.

HoppingPavlova · 01/08/2018 03:51

Is she on medication for the ADHD?

PersianCatLady · 01/08/2018 04:00

Have you looked at her hormones? That was what did it for me, got to 14 before my mum stuck me on the pill and I went back to moderately normal
I am an adult with ADHD and I also take Yasmin partly for contraception but mainly so I don't have to deal with the absolute havoc that my hormones cause me.

Honestly, until I stopped taking the Pill for a while I never realised just how much my own body fucked with my brain.

PersianCatLady · 01/08/2018 04:03

I am dying to track her periods to look for a potential pattern but she’s SO closed off so I don’t push her
Please don't do that because your DD will not thank you for it and she will also feel as if nothing in her life is private (not even her periods)

PersianCatLady · 01/08/2018 04:06

Adhd are prone to risky behaviours due to poor impulse control. In my own experience the right medication can make a massive difference
I only wish that I could have been diagnosed when I was 14 rather than 27 because then I would not have spent 13 years taking drugs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2018 06:26

Oh bless her. She sounds really confused. I don’t have experience of teens yet. A few years ago dh and I paid to see a child psychologist. It was a game changer for dd. It perhaps has the benefit of being less 1-1 work with an external person for your dd than counselling as you would be involved as well. As it seems as though you have a good relationship with your ex, you could involve him too. Therefore your dd would be able to see that her parents need to work too. It’s the holidays and I assume CAHMS help has stopped so perhaps it would be a good time to bring someone like this on board.

I admit the work can be draining. But perhaps it’s a good way to see where her heads at and what you can do as parents to help your dd. These people are trained in techniques to get through to children and push but not too far. Even when dd wouldn’t engage, the psychologist worked with dh and me and usually managed to get dd involved for 20 mins.

You said counselling didn’t work. Maybe this would as it’s not target as her being the person who has something wrong but as a family.

AgentJohnson · 01/08/2018 07:04

I won’t risk the pill because of her risk taking behaviour.

Being on the Pill won't increase the risk taking, you do not know if she isn't having sex. The Pill right now is a win win situation, it could help regulate her mood and it will protect her from an unwanted pregnancy (if taken properly).

PersianCatLady · 01/08/2018 07:12

OP - Has your DD been prescribed any medication for her ADHD??

borntobequiet · 01/08/2018 07:47

I was just like your daughter, until I put myself on the pill ( my mother wouldn’t have countenanced it in those days) because I started sleeping with my boyfriend. I became almost normal again...I thought it was love, parents thought it was my boyfriend’s good influence (as if - but that’s another story), but now I know it was hormones.
Google PMDD.

Trethew · 01/08/2018 07:56

Been there too. It’s heartbreaking and terrifying watching your child on a mission to self-destruct. I have no answers. I weathered the storm from about 12. Ed Psych assessment said she was “normal but extreme”. There was no help, just years of extreme anxiety, managing on a day to day basis, and trying to limit the damage. There was no “diagnosis”. It was the most stressful period of my life. I say this to point out that teenage girls can be horrendous without any medical condition, hormonal or otherwise.

She is now 31, a practising healthcare professional, has a good social life and nice friends. And she likes me and we get on!!! So hang on in there, don’t stop telling her you care, don’t fight every issue, explain your anxieties simply. It wont last forever

Original poster
Broken1000 · 01/08/2018 07:59

Omg thank you all so very much. I’ve read all your pists thoroughly and really appreciate them all. I’ll try and remember what I can!

She was on Concerta and now Straterra but she will say she’s taken them when she hasn’t so her Dad and I watch her take them which doesn’t feel good and I’m sure isn’t a nice thing for her.

I can’t believe how many of you are advocating the pill and it’s merits so I’m glad I put this post on. I had flatly refused to think about it when a friend at work suggested it but now I will do some research. It would be so great if something so simple could regulate her moods.

CAMHS is continuing in the Summer and she is seeing the Paediatrician next week and RESPONSE when the worker returns from holiday. Someone mentioned acupuncture. RESPONSE are going to do non-needle acupuncture. I quite fancy it myself!

I understand about the developmental delay (and processing) but I’m ashamed to say I’m not always a saint. I’m really unserstanding most of the time but everything revolves around her issues and appointments and there are times I get SO frustrated with her. I try hard not to argue or to compare her to other children but sometimes when I’m mentally drained I do lose my temper. She’s been school refusing for weeks and the only reason her Dad and I have not been fined £200 each is because we’re fully complying with school and professionals. She has sworn blind she’ll go back in September but now she’s screaming that she’ll never go to any school, ever.

I think her (lovely) Family Support worker will withdraw today as my daughter isn’t complying in the process at all - including the contract SHE drew up.

Sorry if it’s long but your posts were so helpful I wanted to respond.

Oh and I don’t need to go through her bins re her periods. For a pretty girl she’s a dirty mare! She has a floordrobe, not a wardrobe and has never emptied a bin in her life!

OP posts: