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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think about this father?

81 replies

Pinkdust98 · 31/07/2018 19:05

Lives close and wants to see the children several times a week for a few hours, sometimes at my house. Other times he picks them up from school and takes them out, is very protective of the children and plays with them. But.. he doesn't pay for them, doesn't buy them clothes/toys, or presents, doesn't pay for their activities but will come and watch. He doesn't pay for their school uniforms. Anything the children need/want, you buy it.

When living together he never got up with the children, never changed a nappy, never bathed them, never cooked for them, never read books with/for them, never got up with them when they were ill. Would only take them out here and there with his mum.

Is this a deadbeat dad, wise MNers?

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 31/07/2018 19:07

I think he needs to financially support his children.

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 31/07/2018 19:07

Why isn’t he paying for them? Taking care of your children financially is just as important as meeting their needs emotionally. Children can not live on fresh air alone.

Pengggwn · 31/07/2018 19:07

Why on earth do you let him get away with that?

needyourlovingtouch · 31/07/2018 19:08

Have you asked him to pay for things?

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2018 19:08

Yes - why isnt he on a strict schedule and paying maintenance

needyourlovingtouch · 31/07/2018 19:08

On the positive side (from the children's perspective) he is involved and interested in them. I say that as a child of a dad who couldn't care less.

delphguelph · 31/07/2018 19:08

Yes - deadbeat.

He needs to pay.

HarryPotterISreal · 31/07/2018 19:12

Disney dad.

Original poster
Pinkdust98 · 31/07/2018 19:12

That's the thing, he is very involved. What hurts the most is that my 6 yo DS adores him and loves playing with him. I sometimes feel like he's closer to him than me, even though I'm the one grafting to make sure DS has everything he wants/needs Sad. His father does nothing for him, except come and play with him for a few hours yet he is the hero in DS eyes.

OP posts:
DonutCone · 31/07/2018 19:14

It's not great. But you know I do think it's a huge amount better than having a Dad who sends or has taken the money every month but doesn't want the relationship.

For the good of the children, and I say this as an adult who went through it, the relationship is worth more to them than the money.

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2018 19:14

why arent you chasing maintenance and stopping it happening in your home?

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 31/07/2018 19:16

Hes not a deadbeat dad, but he’s not good enough either... he needs to be supporting them/you financially.

bastardkitty · 31/07/2018 19:16

Tighten up your boundaries, keep smiling, start to carve ut some fun time with DS for yourself and start a case with CMS. If he gets shitty about it, he doesn't come in your house any more and you agree a fixed contact schedule. He's taking the piss.

FloweryTwats45 · 31/07/2018 19:18

Go through CMS, he should be contributing financially for the dcs

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 31/07/2018 19:19

Why did you have more than one with him if he did nothing?

Do you both work? Is he saving you childcare costs if he collects from school. Yes he should be paying support but it can vary depending on the set up etc, hard to say with such few details.

SmileSweetly · 31/07/2018 19:19

He's shit....and one day your DS will realise all you did for them while their DF was just a glorified playmate, trust me I have teens and as ungrateful as they seem sometimes they do actually appreciate and see all I do for them, the important stuff.

I would not do anything to hinder the relationship, I would encourage and support the bond between DS & his DF as hard as that is for you.

You should be chasing for maintenance though, through legal channels.

RandomMess · 31/07/2018 19:20

Stop letting him in your house! Why haven't you rang CMS?

DaisysStew · 31/07/2018 19:22

And as a mother you both spend time with and provide for your child - it’s called being a parent.

Why is the bar set so low for fathers? Why do some people think that mothers should be grateful that their ex’s didn’t disappear from their child’s and give them a free pass on support?

What would happen if you decided that simply spending your time was good enough? How would your son eat?

It’s his child as much as yours and he is equally responsible for financially providing for them as you are. Simple.

bastardkitty · 31/07/2018 19:23

He's stealing all the fun time from you. Is he passive-aggressive in other ways? My ex announced he would be taking my daughter to prom after I bought the dress, shoes and bag, paid for the ticket, spending money, hair and nails. When told other arrangements had already been made, said 'but I'm her dad'. No conscience. Puts in none of the effort or money and tries to photobomb himself into the middle of any important life event. Your son is much younger, but same principle.

Racecardriver · 31/07/2018 19:24

Call me cynical but I would think that he was fostering a relationship with them for his own gain/to get back at you rather than because he gives a shit about them.

MyfanwyMontez · 31/07/2018 19:27

What if he doesn’t have the money? At least he’s taking the time to spend with your DC. A lot of dads can’t be arsed to do to either

pallisers · 31/07/2018 19:28

Puts in none of the effort or money and tries to photobomb himself into the middle of any important life event.

this sums it up really. I'd think he was a bit of a shit dad and a bit of a shit person. he wants all the playful bits of being a parent - going to the park or watching them play a match - but none of the responsibility - kitting them out for the match, making sure they have food, etc.

OP, put a stop right now to him seeing the kids at your home. That is your place, not his. Then tell him he needs to contribute financially to rearing his children and you are going to CMS or whatever. After that, I'd probably be flexible enough about picking up/showing up to events for the sake of the children.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 31/07/2018 19:29

Hes a shit dad, maybe not deadbeat but definitely shit. If he actually cared for them he would provide for them, end of story. You can't just take all the fun bits of having kids and none of the harder bits. He's not their uncle or their mate he's their dad.

What would he do if you didn't provide for them? Let's say you didn't buy them uniform or for whatever reason. Couldn't afford everything for them anymore?

pallisers · 31/07/2018 19:30

What if he doesn’t have the money?

how is this an argument? How is he feeding himself? What if the OP doesn't have the money - do the children starve and go naked?

the standards fathers are held to "at least he is seeing them" are pitiful. I'd say it was an insult to men, except so many of them live down to those standards.

CherryPavlova · 31/07/2018 19:34

Does he pay maintenance though? I’m unclear whether you mean he pays nothing at all or he pays for nothing on top of maintenance.
Is he earning? If so why isn’t he paying maintenance?
It’s easy to be Mr nice guy but real fatherhood involves working incredibly hard and going without yourself to provide for their children.

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