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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do you think about this father?

81 replies

Pinkdust98 · 31/07/2018 19:05

Lives close and wants to see the children several times a week for a few hours, sometimes at my house. Other times he picks them up from school and takes them out, is very protective of the children and plays with them. But.. he doesn't pay for them, doesn't buy them clothes/toys, or presents, doesn't pay for their activities but will come and watch. He doesn't pay for their school uniforms. Anything the children need/want, you buy it.

When living together he never got up with the children, never changed a nappy, never bathed them, never cooked for them, never read books with/for them, never got up with them when they were ill. Would only take them out here and there with his mum.

Is this a deadbeat dad, wise MNers?

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 31/07/2018 22:23

His father does nothing for him, except come and play with him for a few hours yet he is the hero in DS eyes.

That's why, right there. He gets to be your son's hero in his eyes while you do all the heavy lifting, the sleepless nights when they're unwell, the stressing over paying for things, the sorting out of their lives... and he gets to waltz in and be Disney Dad, the Hero.

He's doing it not because he gives a shit about him ... parents who truly give a shit help support their own children and do the not fun stuff, too... he's doing it to make you look like the bad guy, the unfun parent, the parent who can't actually say anything bad about Disney Dad because you ARE a good parent.

Sucks.

I would actively pursue child maintenance.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2018 22:29

He needs to pay maintenance, arrange a regular contact schedule and have contact at his own place.

He has no right to come into your home. He has no right to flit and out when it suits him. You and the DC need a regular schedule.

ImAIdoot · 01/08/2018 00:43

It's great that DC still sees dad as a hero, feels loved and has a good relationship - as a child should, believe me it will hurt you more one day if you see that gone for DC than it could ever hurt you to see it.

Sort out the financials separately. Make it happen but be happy for DC.

I don't know if we can say what's "easy", pretty sure thst if you love then there is fucking nothing easy in a life where your children live under someone else's roof, but he needs to step up and pay what he can to support them.

GoatWithACoat · 01/08/2018 02:31

What if he doesn’t have the money? At least he’s taking the time to spend with your DC. A lot of dads can’t be arsed to do to either

And here we have the perfect example of ‘setting the bar low’ for men as a PP said.

What if I didn’t have the money to feed or clothe my kids? Would it be ok for me to send my skeletal child to school in rags as long as I gave them a cuddle at the school gates?

I’m sure the bloke in question is well fed and clothed himself.

I have it the opppsite way round, he pays but can’t have kids kids too much, never attends school plays, sports days, uses his annual leave to have them while I work etc.

Disney Dad is the appropriate term OP. Not changing a nappy, bathing them, feeding etc etc and not paying? YES he’s a deadbeat dad. If you behaved like that you’d be called a bad mum so why do we let men get away with “oh at LEAST he’s doing something, lots of dads don’t even do that” SO WHAT?! Then more dads need to step the fuck up then don’t they?!

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 01/08/2018 03:09

He's a shit dad. I can't abide parents who refuse to contribute financially. I would have zero respect for him as a man and as a father.

BUT it would hurt your children to not have the relationship they have right now. They need to understand who and what their father is by themselves and trust me, they will. YOU will be their hero OP and you'll get there naturally and honestly. They will know.

I've been there and it burned every single fucking time their father was an arse but I bit my tongue and did and accepted a lot of things for noone else but my children. So glad I did.

InionEile · 01/08/2018 03:15

Sounds more like an uncle than a dad. All of the fun stuff, the emotional attachment and protectiveness but none of the discipline, parenting or financial responsibility.

tillytown · 01/08/2018 03:17

birdonawire1 No, that's a load of crap. The op shouldn't have to put up with this, nor should her children.

AltheaorDonna · 01/08/2018 03:19

If he isn't paying regular maintenance then yes he is a deadbeat. Anyone can do the fun bits of parenting. Just because some useless fuckers don't pay maintenance or see their kids makes this acceptable. And to the person who said, what if he doesn't have any money, well he needs to get some. If you have children they need food and clothes and shelter, you don't get to opt out of paying for this.

AjasLipstick · 01/08/2018 04:30

I think it's a terrible Father.

A good Father wants their child to be well fed, clothed and housed...and entertained.

Playing with a child isn't enough.

I had a neighbour with an ex like this and I thought him pathetic.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 01/08/2018 04:53

Yes, terrible father. My ex has never paid a penny, sent so much as a birthday card and moved to another continent to avoid maintenance.

He had the gall to contact DD last year (now that she's 20) to suggest meeting up. He hadn't seen since she was 4/5. She said it would be like meeting a total stranger.

Mind you, my own father died at 93 with ever having had a conversation with any of his children. I didn't appreciate how angry my brother was about it until we asked him to write the eulogy.

Agree that children pick up very quickly who looks after them but o appreciate that doesn't help your finances. I read a lot about CSA on here but my only experience was years ago reviewing payroll and if necessary it was deducted at source.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 01/08/2018 04:55

*without

GaraMedouar · 01/08/2018 05:13

OP - you are me, I am you! I have pretty much same situation , ex is Disney dad, who sees DS twice a week. Lovely cuddly, smiley dad. They usually watch TV, DS plays on dad's ipad, he buys a treat like sweets or a magazine.
BUT, no maintenance. He is self employed, and earns very little, but refuses to get a paid job. There's no point me going to CMS - he has no assets, no money, is staying at a friend's house, or at his girlfriend's (for free). He has debts coming out of his ears, and no financial responsibility, leaving everything on my shoulder s.

Original poster
Pinkdust98 · 01/08/2018 07:21

Thank you for your replies. For those of you who've asked, no he pays NO MAINTENANCE at all. Nothing, he picks them up from school at 3.20pm, buys them snack and a drink, then brings them home at 6pm for dinner at my house. So I'd say he spends about £10-15 a week on snacks and drinks for them. The man earns a good salary, recently just bought a new car, goes on holiday twice a year. So yes, he has money.

When I brought it up with him in the past, he'd say he wouldn't give me money(which I don't really understand, but ok) but would buy the children what they needed. So when they needed clothes, shoes or uniforms I would tell him, he would always come with excuses so I couldn't be bothered asking him again.

I have thought of going through CMS, but he's so aggressive, argumentative and threatening, I just don't want to rock the boat. But I realise I have to do it anyway, I can't let it go on like this. I have to do all the grafting, the heavy lifting, constantly think about what jobs to take, or how to improve my career so I can get a better job and earn more money to give my children a better life. While he just comes and plays with them, buys them snacks then goes back to his other family.

He goes on holiday with his gf and her child, but won't take our children on holiday. That's for me to graft and think about, so I take them when I can afford it.

I guess my only comfort in this is that, I'm the one who get to do things with my children and make memories, whilst he's the one playing uncle.

OP posts:
Wedontbelievewhatsontv · 01/08/2018 07:38

YANBU . He is a deadbeat Dad as he is not fulfilling any role of responsibility towards his children .He's not their big brother who pops in to play with them or spectate at a hobby. What to be a parent is ultimately to responsible for providing for your children on many dimensions. They can get a playmate in the park !

Beaverhausen · 01/08/2018 07:41

Hi OP Financially yes he is a twat but otherwise he seems to be a very proactive parent.

Have you spoken to him and said that if he does not start to contribute you are going to have to take it further?

Beaverhausen · 01/08/2018 07:42

Sorry just read your last post. The only reason he is doing it is because you are allowing him too. If you stand up to this bully he might actually crumble but you need to do it.

Beaverhausen · 01/08/2018 07:42

It is not fair on you and not fair on your children, they are missing out on so much due to the money he is not contributing.

ferntwist · 01/08/2018 07:43

Deadbeat dad for sure. Man child who wants to play but not parent.

rollingonariver · 01/08/2018 07:46

Get maintenance, your kids are entitled to it. You don't have to have a relationship with him, if he gets aggressive close the door / tell him to leave. He's got more to lose than you here!

rollingonariver · 01/08/2018 07:47

I mean that he likes to see the children at your house and you can stop that not that you would stop contact btw Confused

Rainbowqueeen · 01/08/2018 07:52

Go through crms for sure. If he argues just disengage. Have one line eg it's in the best interests of the children for both their parents to contribute financially and then ignore.

Your DS is so little. As he grows older he will resent your ex for the lack of financial contribution. He will notice things he doesn't see now, like the holidays. Your time to be appreciated for everything you do will come.

But in the meantime do what's right for your kids. And that means a dad who contributes more than what suits his own selfish purposes.

Good luck

mikeyssister · 01/08/2018 08:18

You said it in your last post. He's like a favourite uncle.

Starlight345 · 01/08/2018 08:19

You are crazy to allow his threatening behaviour . You apply to the cms . When he objects you tell him to discuss it with them . He is not allowed to threaten you. I am not sure why you have an argumentative man in your house . He doesn’t sound a great dad at all .
You should not be having to be accommodating his lack of effort

MoonGeek · 01/08/2018 09:00

CMS ASAP

AngelsSins · 01/08/2018 10:35

The way I see it, if you parented them like he did, they’d be dead. So he’s a deadbeat, he’s not even keeping them alive by feeding them and that’s very basic parenting. He’s playing the fun uncle, anyone can do that.

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