What do you think about this father?

[Pinkdust98]

Lives close and wants to see the children several times a week for a few hours, sometimes at my house. Other times he picks them up from school and takes them out, is very protective of the children and plays with them. But.. he doesn't pay for them, doesn't buy them clothes/toys, or presents, doesn't pay for their activities but will come and watch. He doesn't pay for their school uniforms. Anything the children need/want, you buy it.

When living together he never got up with the children, never changed a nappy, never bathed them, never cooked for them, never read books with/for them, never got up with them when they were ill. Would only take them out here and there with his mum.

Is this a deadbeat dad, wise MNers?

If he doesn't pay maintenance when he can afford it then yes.

Sympathies, I have a Disney dad ex and I sometimes get really overwhelmed by how unfair it is that he retains his freedoms whilst I am totally responsible for the children's needs. Feels more like he is an uncle that likes to visit the kids when it's good for him, rather than a father.

My ex does pay though and I find it hard enough. I can't imagine how much harder it is for you.

I second the previous advice, tighten boundaries and do not let him in your space. When you have worked out how to do that without hurting your child, please let me know

Pursue him for child support.

What if he doesn’t have the money? At least he’s taking the time to spend with your DC. A lot of dads can’t be arsed to do to either.

I want to be a man. I would get praised to the skies just for scratching my arse.

What if the OP doesn't have the money?

Don’t let him into your house. If he wants to spend time with them, he takes them out or to where he’s living. It’s YOUR home, not a contact centre for his convenience.

Allow the amount of contact that is good for your children, that includes taking into consideration how that time affects your relationship with them.

Get onto his case via the CSA.

no need to visit them on your house-he can take them out or round to his

Why don’t you go to cms?

He is taking the piss is what I think.

I agree with others. He should be paying so you don't have to spend every second grafting and he should be taking them at times which genuinely support you (i.e. genuine parenting).

It won't mean much to you now but there will come a time when the bairn will see for himself what kind of dad he has. We always reap what we sow with our kids.

Meanwhile put in for child support.

I wouldn't describe as a deadbeat dad as obviously actively involued, however children need to eat (etc) so he needs to be helping with the cost. I can understand if money is tight for him but even a tenner a week would make a difference. I love my father but he never paid a penny, I got xmas and bday gifts which was about it. I do judge that he never supported me in any form, never got me clothes/food etc. Never paid a bill. Never gave me pocket money. Never took me on holiday or paid for any activities. He never took me to school. He gave me my first mobile after I paid him £15. I love my dad because he is my dad but one cannot survive on love alone, in small little ways my life could have been better had he put even a little effort in. I was robbed of time to, apparently a few hour every three months was all the attention I needed over 18 years .

Why have you let him get away with financially abusing his culdren?

No pay, no play
Don't be a mug

It sounds like more of an older brother relationship than a Dad.

My childrens dad has not seen them since the nearly two year old was 3 months old. He pays through cms but if I had the choice I would rather he was involved emotionally and had plenty of contact.

Shoxforidom contact and money should never ever be linked in that way

It's easy to enjoy spending time with your kids, residually when their other parent is bringing them up to be a pleasure to be around. It's not so easy to prioritise their needs over you own when that might mean sacrificing your own comfort to provide for them. There's nothing impressive about doing something easy.

He sounds just like my ex OP. Split about 8 years ago, refused to pay any maintenance on the basis that he didn't have any money. I was advised that as he was self-employed it was pointless chasing him. Always had regular contact though. Now he pays periodically a lump sum. Unfortunately the children are still of an age where they say but dad's given you x amount. Yeah he should be paying that EVERY month. I think hes given me about £750 in TOTAL. Good dad

Does he spend most of the time with you too? How often does he have them all day alone?

I'd set strict days and yes he should pay.

DS will see the truth as he gets older trust me!

Disney dad - happy doing the easy bits, unwilling to do the graft or pay! Guessing he does sod all with discipline or encouraging child to do things they don't enjoy but are necessary too (eg tooth brushing)

Get onto cms (why on earth haven't you before?)

It's easy to enjoy spending time with your kids, residually when their other parent is bringing them up to be a pleasure to be around.

This is true. I was away for a couple of days recently and was overjoyed to see the toddler on my return. Made me realise how much more fun it is when you're not doing it ALL THE TIME.

Disney dad is what is coming to my mind.
Of course your ds loves him because he only sees fun dad. The one that plays with him (esp as he never did that before!!), the ones that come and watch play football/whatever activity he is doing.
What he isn’t seeing is the parent dad. The one that is making him do his homework, the one that is making sure he is brushing his teeth and tidiest uo his bedroom.
It’s easy to look like a great dad when you know do the fun part!

And then crap dad because he is happy to leave ALL the responsibilities to you (money, parenting etc) and have none. Sorry but you can’t be dad wo taking some responsibilities.

Last thing that comes to my mind. For how long have you been separated? Is he trying to get browny points for spending time with his child and put yourself down/back to your place at the same time by doing it right in front of you whilst you still have to do the chores anyway?

I promise you the children know what's going on. Mine said that they love him but that he doesn't do any actually parenting.

Also not clear if you mean no maintenance or if you mean no extra stuff on top of maintenance? If it’s the former, he’s a deadbeat and can you take him to court?

I would be seriously annoyed if he pays nothing to support his children but children thrive on love and attention, and as he is giving them this I would be happy for them. Where and how children are loved is irrelevant. it’s good for them, and ultimately for you for them to be happy. however unfair it seems to you, who are having to work long hours to provide for them, their happiness is paramount. Try to think about how the children feel and how good this is for them and forget how you feel, however difficult.