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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL doesn’t want to come to grandsons birthday party.

91 replies

Lovejoywasodd · 31/07/2018 17:12

We invited MIL to our 3 year olds Birthday Party. He is her only grandson. She was all over him in the first year and a half of his life but now does not seem bothered. I sent her a lovely invite and she responded that she cannot come because “it is not quite my thing” and saying we can meet up another time.
I have done so much for this selfish, narcissistic, woman and now attending her own grandsons birthday is too much for her?
My DH is really disappointed but not surprised, she moved away from him in his teens to chase a man. However, I think he thought she had changed and would be better with her grandson.
AIBU to ask for help crafting a response to her text?

OP posts:

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 31/07/2018 17:14

If she’s selfish and narcissistic I’d count my blessings tbh.

HolyMountain · 31/07/2018 17:14

Just send a 'that's a shame, we'll miss you being here' and leave it at that.

Do you really want her there if she's not interested?.

Matilda1981 · 31/07/2018 17:15

Seriously, my mum doesn’t come to my kids birthday parties - they really aren’t her thing, she comes over on the day of their birthday at some point with pressies and we have tea and cake (my two are 4 and 6 and haven’t had a party on the same date as their actual birthday yet!). I’m not that bothered and neither of the girls, my mum wouldn’t get to talk to them at a birthday party as they’re so busy playing with friends etc.

lastqueenofscotland · 31/07/2018 17:18

I think unless there is a massive backstory YABU
My grandparents never came to any of our parties, kids parties are really fucking hard work if you aren’t mad on small children

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 31/07/2018 17:20

I wouldn't base your discussions on the birthday party to be honest. People are individuals, they don't all have to behave the same way about celebrations. My DH's parents can't abide the children's birthday parties. Asked after DC1's 3rd if they could stop coming because it gave them headaches and they'd rather spend quieter time with their grand children.

I would encourage your DH to accept that she is the way she is, and to concentrate now on creating his own family rather than set himself up for future disappointments, which no doubt there will be.

In terms of a text I'd suggest a very simple 'that's a shame xxxx(DH) would have enjoyed having you there'. End of discussion. Obviously not a lot of info to go on but sometimes people like this are all about creating drama and attention and the way to deal with them is simply refuse to engage on that level.

BounceAndJump · 31/07/2018 17:20

By birthday party do you mean a close family party eg. Coming over yours at home and doing presents and a cake or do you mean one of those hellish venue/soft play type party's where the birthday child is busy playing anyway?
First YANBU, second YABU and I can't think of any where the grandparents have been there other than if they're helping look after siblings.

sue51 · 31/07/2018 17:21

I love and adore my dgc but I really would not enjoy a 3 year olds birthday party. Are you sure she just doesn't fancy the noise and chaos of a load of excited little ones?

I've just come back from an afternoon of swimming with the grandchildren, so I'm not a total crouch.

CointreauVersial · 31/07/2018 17:22

I'm not sure my DPs came to any of our DCs' birthday parties, and we're a close family. It just isn't something they'd do, unless it's a family-only occasion.

And I certainly don't think my grandparents came to any of mine!

CAAKE · 31/07/2018 17:23

YABU. I think she's actually been polite and honest with you. Kids birthday parties are generally not "my thing" either. Why don't you give her an opportunity to visit for a cup of tea and a slice of cake afterwards so she can say happy birthday as she likes?

Sirzy · 31/07/2018 17:23

Much better to do something separate where she can spend time with him rather than sitting watching the party surely?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 31/07/2018 17:23

I'd also be counting my blessings tbh.

Budgiegirlbob · 31/07/2018 17:23

My mum has 5 grandchildren and has never been to a single one of their parties. It’s not her thing.

But she does show an interest at other times, and is involved in their lives. So it doesn’t bother me at all. Children’s parties are for children, IMO

Floralnomad · 31/07/2018 17:24

That doesn’t really require a response , it’s her loss .

applesisapple5 · 31/07/2018 17:25

YABU, just leave it, if she wouldn't be helping at the party best she doesn't go. You don't need to 'craft' a response.

Piffle11 · 31/07/2018 17:26

You know what? I really wouldn't bother crafting a reply - just a 'ok then x' and leave it. And next time she wants you to do something with/for her, just say that you can't make it. My MIL insisted I threw a birthday party for DS1 and then she turned up and hour late - her DH didn't even show.

Girlundercover · 31/07/2018 17:29

My mum had 18 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. She loved them all v much. Never went to a birthday party.

I mean surely that’s the best thing about being a grandparent!! No more kids parties.

Barbie222 · 31/07/2018 17:29

No, it's fine, unclench! She's just setting out her stall so she doesn't have to go to kids parties, I don't blame her. See her separately, it'll be much easier.

Winterbella · 31/07/2018 17:29

Yanbu it’s rude of her when she’s been so heartfeltly invited

LoniceraJaponica · 31/07/2018 17:31

Is it a quiet family party at home or a noisy couple of hours of hell at a soft play? If the latter then I don't blame her.

strawberrry · 31/07/2018 17:32

My mil is a bit like this, I try and include her as much as possible, for the sake of my little boy, but she shows no interest! No advice, sorry, just in the same boat.

Sheldonoscopy · 31/07/2018 17:32

It’s my kids party next week, his own dad won’t be there cause he’s working!
I can’t read too much into it tbh, I’m only doing it cause my elder kid will know it’s not been marked, otherwise we’d do cake and presents and no fuss no people 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds more about the issue with mil and the relationship she has with you and dh than the party

BertrandRussell · 31/07/2018 17:34

Isn’t her response exactly what Mumsnet advises everyone to say to invitations to things they don’t want to go to?

FilledSoda · 31/07/2018 17:34

Kid's birthday parties are pretty awful for adults though, I wouldn't expect any grandparent to go.
Your child would be too distracted to notice anyway.

PrivateDoor · 31/07/2018 17:36

My parents and inlaws haven't once come to any of our parties and my eldest is a teen now! This seems to be normal as when I take the dc to various parties there are rarely grandparents there, any that are there usually are there to help not to participate.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 31/07/2018 17:37

I'm devoted to my children, but if I could have opted out of their birthday parties, I would have! Three is just old enough to be quite rowdy as well, and it isn't uncommon for there to be at least one tantrum, some wet pants and the occasional injury or overeating-induced vomiting.

It's probably better for her to decline that to accept and then be useless or make the whole thing more difficult.

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