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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL doesn’t want to come to grandsons birthday party.

91 replies

Lovejoywasodd · 31/07/2018 17:12

We invited MIL to our 3 year olds Birthday Party. He is her only grandson. She was all over him in the first year and a half of his life but now does not seem bothered. I sent her a lovely invite and she responded that she cannot come because “it is not quite my thing” and saying we can meet up another time.
I have done so much for this selfish, narcissistic, woman and now attending her own grandsons birthday is too much for her?
My DH is really disappointed but not surprised, she moved away from him in his teens to chase a man. However, I think he thought she had changed and would be better with her grandson.
AIBU to ask for help crafting a response to her text?

OP posts:

Ionlylookatthepictures · 31/07/2018 18:10

I never even contemplated asking my ageing parents and in laws along to my childrens’ birthday parties; they have always come over on separate occasions for fizz, gifts, cake and to make a fuss over their grandchildren. I can’t imagine them wanting to hear kids screaming and getting over excited in a community hell. Ever. In fact I hope my dds never guilt trip me into ever going against my wishes to any of my grandchildrens’ parties in future

Sirzy · 31/07/2018 18:10

The only reason most people go to a kids birthday party is because they have a child too young to drop and run isn’t it? Do people really attend them from choice?

butlerswharf · 31/07/2018 18:11

I wouldn't bother responding

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2018 18:12

I would respond "Suit yourself" and leave it at that.

Dumbledoresgirl · 31/07/2018 18:13

So the other invitees are ? Friends? Nursery friends? Honestly, I don't now what your relationship with your MIL is like, but really, this isn't anything to be offended by. I am sure she will spend some time with her grandson one-on-one near the birthday, and give him a nice present. She just doesn't want to be at the party.

LoniceraJaponica · 31/07/2018 18:17

Why so many adults? I can understand your in laws not wanting to come TBH. Sorry.

NorthernSpirit · 31/07/2018 18:19

I wouldn’t respond back. Maintain your dignity.

Continue to invite her (knowing that she probably won’t come) but you can never be accused of not inviting her.

My PIL are like this - totally self centred and absorbed. But we never stoop to their level and the door is always open.

Original poster

Lovejoywasodd · 31/07/2018 18:22

Thank you Northern

Lornica, adults who are family friends are coming, their dc are teenagers. Also both parents are coming with each child.

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 31/07/2018 18:22

Come on be fair, I love all my grandchildren to bits but the parties are definitely not my thing. What on earth would a grandmother get out of it? Hoards of excited 3 years olds! She had a lucky escape.

Topseyt · 31/07/2018 18:29

Sorry, but I too think you are overreacting here.

None of my parents or in-laws ever came to any of our children's birthday parties as far as I recall. If I'd had the choice I would have run for the hills too, but I had to grin and bear it. I hate parties anyway, and children's birthday parties are my idea of hell.

It is no big thing.

HRTpatch · 31/07/2018 18:32

My idea of hell.

Rachie1973 · 31/07/2018 18:35

I adore my grandchildren, but I would just about escape to the ends of the earth to avoid a kiddie bday party!

Justinonmybroomstick · 31/07/2018 18:37

Im a grandma and attend everything I can. If it involves the children Im there. Im sorry your MIL has chosen not to attend because its not her thing and I suspect its how she's worded her refusal thats making it hurt all the more. Its just so rude and designed to hurt. I think Id be asking why she's done it and moving on around her.

EuphoricNight · 31/07/2018 18:37

We've just endured a 3yr olds party where there were more adults than DC.

When our dc were toddlers they had nursery friends there or other relatives small DC. The attending adults were the parents of small dc only.

Dumbledoresgirl · 31/07/2018 18:44

Why is her response so rude? She said it was not quite her thing. I think that is a perfectly polite way of refusing. I suppose she could have lied and pretended she had something else to do that day, but that would be a lie and she would have been liable to be found out. I really can't see anything rude in her response.

Maelstrop · 31/07/2018 18:46

I wouldn’t want to go either, it’s definitely not my thing. I’d far rather have tea with the family or something.

welshmist · 31/07/2018 18:47

I get invited and go, but more to help DIL out than enjoy myself. All part and parcel of being a grandparent.

wineandtoastfortea · 31/07/2018 18:51

My Mum who we are all very close to (see most days) doesn’t come to kids parties. I would say that from your post it’s not really about this, more the straw that broke.

Original poster

Lovejoywasodd · 31/07/2018 18:53

Thanks Justonmybroomstick you are spot on.

Welshmist it would have been lovely if she had offered to help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovejoywasodd · 31/07/2018 18:58

Wine and toast you are right. She insisted on coming every weekend in the first year DS was born even though it was a bit intrusive, we went along with it because we were so pleased she cared. My SIL warned me that once DS was no longer a baby, she would not be bothered with him because she only likes babies. Sadly I think this is true.
She has pulled a lot of crap in her time but now realise that this would be a silly thing to finally lose it with her about.

OP posts:

Freshfeelings · 31/07/2018 19:12

She doesn't sound like the kind of person you want to foster a relationship with anyway - either for you or for your little one.

FWIW I loathe kids' birthday parties - even when it's my own kids - and would never go to one if I could get out of it.

wineandtoastfortea · 31/07/2018 19:17

Bless you love joy. Just hang on to those who do care. She may change, she may not but you will always be there for your Little one . Out of your hands xxx💐

Blackbirdblue30 · 31/07/2018 19:24

I went to my godchild's second birthday recently- that had six small children and a dozen or so adults and it was fucking horrific. Mum had the sense to hand us two drinks each on the way in. She can be a good granny without going through the hell of a toddler party! Yabu.

holidaycountdown54321 · 31/07/2018 19:38

My in laws didn't come to my son's 1st birthday party recently, they'd booked a weekend away. I really wasn't fussed, I was actually hoping they'd say no. I just replied "oh what a shame, I doubt it would have been your thing anyway". It really wouldn't have been, they are quite well to do and are used to fine dining etc. Our garden filled with our friends and 20 hyper 0-5 year olds really would not have been their thing.

I can totally see why your mil isn't interested.

MrsAidanTurner · 31/07/2018 19:47

What a shame I can understand why you feel hurt.

My df was disabled, lived 300 miles away and it wasn't his thing either but I invited him to bday and he made herculean efforts to attend. When he couldn't he was very sweet about it but then he only had 2 grandchildren and did treasure them. We have a not my thing also in our family... Stop inviting her and be guilt free when she asks you to go for Xmas and you don't want too because it's not your thing.

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