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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD/Is it unreasonable to tell a breastfeeding mother she is awesome?

113 replies

gymNgin · 30/07/2018 23:52

Is it unreasonable because you wouldn't say the same thing to a FF mother? I wouldn't because IMO FF is seen as the norm and FF mothers don't seem to get negative comments. Also BF mother wasn't looking worried or like she needed reassurance. Though you never know some women are good at putting on a front.

Anyway...

I saw a mother breastfeeding her child today on a sofa in the foyer of the local leisure centre. There was my daughter (8) sat on the sofa opposite (not sure if she noticed as her head was in a book) and an older man on the adjoining sofa. It was hot so she was just wearing a vest top. She pulled it down and latched her baby on. I rarely breastfed in public and when I did I had special breastfeeding tops and a muslin to hopefully cover up any accidental exposure. ( I wasn't worried about accidental exposure but was worried of other people's opinion of it.) I just thought her way of doing it was totally natural and awesome. I wanted to say it to her and I wanted to say it to my daughter but I felt uncomfortable pointing it out.

Should I have pointed it out to my daughter? I know she's only 8 and she does know that boobies make milk for babies (when she's asked why women have boobs) but I haven't mentioned it for a while. Should I have said anything?

OP posts:
SpottingTheZebras · 30/07/2018 23:55

FF mothers don't seem to get negative comments.

Yes they do.

Aren’t most mothers awesome and doing a good job?

SpottingTheZebras · 30/07/2018 23:55

^And I say this as someone who has breastfed.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 30/07/2018 23:59

No. She was feeding her baby. She didn't need anyone making a big deal of it. Nor did she need anyone pointing it out to their kid. I would have felt really uncomfortable if you did that.

FiestaThenSiesta · 30/07/2018 23:59

Yay you’re so awesome because you pull down your top and feed a baby! You’re like the first woman ever in a million years to have done that.

Frogscotch7 · 31/07/2018 00:00

It’s always nice to hear that you’re awesome.

FarFlungFairy · 31/07/2018 00:01

It’s patronising and cringey, mind your business.

MadMags · 31/07/2018 00:03

You have no idea what type of mother or person she is. Confused

CountessCon · 31/07/2018 00:04

I wish FF didn’t attract negative comments.

I had my son in north London and had no milk supply despite trying every possible supplement and source of advice for two months. I got some very unpleasant comments from total strangers about FF, and because I was also feeling disappointed and guilty about failing to BF, those comments really hit the mark. I barely left the house and ended up in counselling and on anti-depressants.

Seniorschoolmum · 31/07/2018 00:04

Having received countless nasty comments from cafes, pubs and a library when bf, I think I would have congratulated the leisure centre for behaving decently.

I think all mums who manage to stay sane while caring for small babies are brilliant.

HeddaGarbled · 31/07/2018 00:07

It’s patronising and FF mothers absolutely do get negative comments. A smile if you caught her eye would have been just fine. Answer your daughter’s questions if she has any. That’s enough.

FlapAttack23 · 31/07/2018 00:08

I bf all over the show and a couple of times older women come over once baby isnt feeding anymore to say how nice it is to see someone bf confidently etc and to be fair it was quite ncie even though inwas already confident i was still quite a young mum and my own mother was HORRIFIED by me not using a cover so was reassuring and nice. Though they hadn't waited til after baby was done i would have been a bit uncomfortable!

Crunchymum · 31/07/2018 00:08

My baby has a tube. Which I give her expressed breast milk via.

Imagine what a mind fuck that is Grin

mumtomaxwell · 31/07/2018 00:13

Erm in my experience of FF all 3 of my children I got loads of derogatory and judgey comments, particularly from other mums!! In fact the most hurtful remarks came from a NCT breastfeeding counsellor who described the way I fed my babies as “disappointing” Judgey bitch Angry So for that frankly ridiculous observation in your OP YABVU!

However, when I was tandem feeding my baby twins in a cafe one older woman walked over and said “aren’t you marvellous!” And we had a chat about my babies. She brightened a difficult day and it had nothing at all to do with feeding, she just thought it was great I was out and about with 2 little babies. That’s the kind of interaction that new mothers might appreciate.
Commenting on feeding is irrelevant unless you are a HV or social worker with concerns.

Fed is best, the method is not your business!

Okaassan · 31/07/2018 00:13

On many occasions I have been made to feel guilty for breastfeeding by other mothers. This has happened many times at play groups.

I am in the 1% of mothers still breastfeeding after 6 months which is an achievement.

But there is always the FF argument that shouts loudly about how any praise directed at a breastfeeding mother makes them feel bad, therefore we have to put their feelings first.

I am unapologetically proud of my breastfeeding and I think someone acknowledging that would be well received.

JockTamsonsBairns · 31/07/2018 00:14

FF mums don't seem to get negative comments? Jesus fucking wept!

Original poster
gymNgin · 31/07/2018 00:15

@SpottingTheZebras

FF mothers don't seem to get negative comments.

Yes they do.

Aren’t most mothers awesome and doing a good job?

Of course most mothers are doing an awesome job. However they choose (or not choose, eg: if their milk dries up, adoption, or just don't want to, etc.) to feed their baby.

I was just thinking that breastfeeding seems to be unpopular when you look at breastfeeding rates. I would like to encourage anyone that is doing it to keep going. Especially if they are like me when I was breastfeeding. I was constantly worrying that I was going to offend someone. If a complete stranger had said to me that I was doing really well, I think I would have listened to that more than a member of my own family saying the same thing.

Also I would like my children to see it as normal. I think my children (and myself also) often don't notice as a lot of breastfeeding women do it discreetly.

A bit of background about me and m perspective...

I predominantly FF. I never got negative comments. Most of my friends predominantly FF, they never got negative comments. When I did BF in public (once with my second child and multiple times with my third child) I felt very self conscious. No one commented but there was the odd occasion I felt like I was being judged negatively. Maybe I was being paranoid as I've been on a lot of social media sites and heard about mothers being shunned for breastfeeding in public.

If someone had made a positive comment to me when I was breast feeding I would have appreciated it. But I can see that others wouldn't feel the same way.

OP posts:
Original poster
gymNgin · 31/07/2018 00:21

I'm glad I didn't say anything after reading the above replies.

It's terrible how mothers are made to feel about whichever way they choose to feed their babies.

OP posts:
Original poster
gymNgin · 31/07/2018 00:23

That should say
It's terrible that mothers are made to feel badly about whichever way they choose to feed their babies.

Or not choose, I suppose, if life makes other choices for them,

OP posts:
MadMags · 31/07/2018 00:40

I am in the 1% of mothers still breastfeeding after 6 months which is an achievement.

That's a choice, not an achievement.

headstone · 31/07/2018 00:49

I surprised women get negative comments while formula feeding since most babies in the UK are formula fed to some degree. Seeing breastfeeding outside in this country is quite rare although I wouldn’t say anything to the mother lest she be embarrassed.

Original poster
gymNgin · 31/07/2018 00:50

I am in the 1% of mothers still breastfeeding after 6 months which is an achievement.

That's a choice, not an achievement.

Harsh!

I BF my first born for 24 hours (my head was messed up and I couldn't do it any longer) that felt like an achievement.

I BF DC2 for 10 weeks (my milk dried up) that felt like an acheivement.

I mix fed DC3 till 5.5 month (milk dried up )

Pretty sure if I hadn't BF any of my children and I'd just survived being a mum in the early days that would feel like an achievement too. I definitely felt that way after surviving the first week with my first born.

It's a personal achievement surely? It's subjective, definitely. But are we not allowed to be proud of ourselves for doing something that we've found difficult or is considered unusual.

OP posts:
Original poster
gymNgin · 31/07/2018 00:54

Actually are did have one negative comment when I FF my first born. It was from my nan. It wasn't even a comment actually. She asked if I was feeding him. Obviously I was feeding him.. what parent wouldn't?! But it was obvious what she meant! I said no and she just said 'oh' in a certain tone of voice. She was really the loveliest person but I could tell she was disappointed. I didn't care as I knew I was doing what was best for my baby at the time. I suppose when I was BF I never felt like I was doing what was best as it was harder and I always felt uncomfortable doing it in public. Wheare as with FF I never felt that way.

OP posts:
FiestaThenSiesta · 31/07/2018 01:01

“If a complete stranger had said to me that I was doing really well, I think I would have listened to that more than a member of my own family saying the same thing.”

You’ve got some issues to work through OP and it’s got nothing to do with how you fed your kids.

Original poster
gymNgin · 31/07/2018 01:16

You’ve got some issues to work through OP and it’s got nothing to do with how you fed your kids.

You could be right! I do sometimes have self esteem issues, which I think are a lot better theses days.

Maybe it was partly because I do often doubt myself and my decisions. My family (with exception to my nan) would just tell me what they think I wan to hear.. so their opinions are not necessarily to be trusted.

I had heard so many bad stories from others experiences of BF in public that if I had a positive comment I would have really appreciated it.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 31/07/2018 01:29

It’s always nice to hear that you’re awesome.

I agree with this.

I bf DS1 and am bfing DS2. I only ever got one (positive) comment from an older couple in a motorway service station. It was a bit embarrassing but I was touched by it.

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