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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to deal with this

82 replies

itsawhopper · 30/07/2018 17:53

I’ll keep the details out of it as I don’t want to out myself. I’ve also name changed.

My DH was out with his mates on Saturday night and I received a text from him asking me why his mate was telling him that I’d done xyz. Not an affair or anything but would have made me pretty deceitful and a liar.

I strenuously denied what DH was saying but he was furious. Cut to yesterday and DH went off on one to me about what his mate had said. Despite my denials he was completrly furious. I was incredibly upset and decamped to my parents house. I have two children - one of whom is 5 weeks old and I just didn’t need the stress.

Today I texted the wife of the guy who said these things and asked her clarify. She phoned her husband who said that he only said these things to my DH as a wind up but never actually got round to telling him that it was a joke.

The guy has since texted my husband to tell him it was a joke. However, my husband hasn’t contacted me. He’s due in from work soon and I’m not sure how to handle this?

Any suggestions? Now I am bloody livid.

OP posts:
PeachyKeenJellymonster · 30/07/2018 17:56

Why would your husband believe this bloke over you?

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 17:57

Hmm. I tend to look at things in a bit of a black and white manner. A good relationship is based on Trust. From what you've said, he believed his friend, not you, ergo there is no trust.

I rarely say it, but for me, that would be the end of the relationship.

custardlover · 30/07/2018 17:58

I would be hopping mad at both he guy and my husband. He owes you an enormous apology plus serious making up to do

Original poster
itsawhopper · 30/07/2018 17:58

I have no idea. He just kept saying that his friend was adamant.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsawhopper · 30/07/2018 17:59

newyear

I’m not ending my marriage. I just want to know what to say while remaining calm

OP posts:
Saltandsauce · 30/07/2018 18:00

Oh make him grovel!! That’s a ridiculous way to behave! He actually watched you leave the house with his 2 kids, one of which is a newborn!
I’d wait until he contacted me, don’t let him turn this round on you and make it out to be your fault in any way. He behaved like a pig and clearly doesn’t trust you, let him explain why.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 30/07/2018 18:00

Stay at your parents house.

Your DH needs to have a good think about loyalty, trust and priorities.

I’d be having a word with the friend too and tell him the pain, hurt and damage germs caused. Arsehole.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 30/07/2018 18:01

Germs? That’s meant to be ‘he’s caused’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
itsawhopper · 30/07/2018 18:04

Im terrible at silent treatment and the irony is that me and DH joke at what a bad liar i am. I lam honestly the worst.

I’m so bloody angry!

OP posts:
Ffswtf · 30/07/2018 18:04

Aren't jokes supposed to be funny? A childish and cruel sense of humour if that's an example. But I'd struggle to get my head around my husband believing his friend before me. A heartfelt apology and a lot of making it up to you is the least he can do?

Whocansay · 30/07/2018 18:21

I'd tell him to leave until he apologises.

So many things wrong with this, but ultimately he believed his friend over you, and hasn't apologised even though he now knows he's in the wrong.

He doesn't trust or respect you though, otherwise he would not have been so quick to believe his friend.

And his mate is a spiteful prick. Interfering in someone else marriage purely for your own amusement is not remotely funny.

Original poster
itsawhopper · 30/07/2018 19:07

Well he’s in from work and there’s been a stony silence. I asked him if his mate had texted him and he said yes. I told him he owes me a massive apology and he’s said nothing

OP posts:
divadee · 30/07/2018 19:26

itsawhopper and that shows what he thinks of your relationship. He may be in a shit as he looks like a mug that he fell for the "prank" but he should be man enough to apologise as he got taken in by his mate but you are the one who is having to put up with his sulks now. I would not be happy for the silent treatment to be continuing.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2018 19:29

I don't see how you can have any faith in him from now on. He blindly believed his friend over you, and even now when he KNOWS it was all lies, he still won't apologise. What the actual fuck. I would be disgusted with him. I hope you tell that "friend" what a piece of shit he is. All of this is unforgivable.

causeimunderyourspell · 30/07/2018 19:47

What the fuck??? I'd be expecting him to be bursting through the door with chocolates and flowers and a massive apology!! I can't believe he's not even apologised, that is shocking behaviour!!! Angry

Trialsmum · 30/07/2018 19:49

You need to wait it out for him to sort himself out and apologise. Don’t make it east for him by making the first move.

bluebeck · 30/07/2018 19:53

Is he 12? He sounds pathetic.

Whocansay · 30/07/2018 19:58

Even though you've done nothing, he's trying to think of a way to make it your fault . It's more important for him to be 'right' even though he knows he's wrong.

What a cunt.

kimber83 · 30/07/2018 20:18

what on earth is your DH playing at? why would he react in that way?

why would he act like this 5 weeks after the birth of his child?

and if there was any merit to the accusations, it still isn't an adult way to deal with it.

he sounds vile.

PaulRuddislush · 30/07/2018 20:27

Don't minimise this, it's very serious and a terrible breach of trust. Why is he friends with people who act like this and why is he putting their word before yours?
You need to talk this through and make him realise how appalling his behaviour is and if he doesn't "get it" your marriage is effectively over.

Original poster
itsawhopper · 30/07/2018 21:14

How would you guys phrase your opening gambit to him?

I’m so angry that I feel like I’ll say the wrong thing

OP posts:
cochineal7 · 30/07/2018 21:19

I don’t think you should have any opening gambit. He should. You should literally wait for him to apologize. Heartfelt and with no if or but. And he should also be angry at his mate but that for now is secondary.

LotsToThinkOf · 30/07/2018 21:21

Why are you worried about what to say to him? He's been a massive prick and you're letting him make you feel as if you should be putting it right.

My opening gambit would be packing his stuff.

fuzzyfozzy · 30/07/2018 21:25

I'd pack him a few days worth of clothes and tell him to go and stay with his mates, he's always good for a laugh apparently.

PaulRuddislush · 30/07/2018 21:42

I think you're afraid of him, asking for an opening gambit is just weird.