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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to deal with this

82 replies

itsawhopper · 30/07/2018 17:53

I’ll keep the details out of it as I don’t want to out myself. I’ve also name changed.

My DH was out with his mates on Saturday night and I received a text from him asking me why his mate was telling him that I’d done xyz. Not an affair or anything but would have made me pretty deceitful and a liar.

I strenuously denied what DH was saying but he was furious. Cut to yesterday and DH went off on one to me about what his mate had said. Despite my denials he was completrly furious. I was incredibly upset and decamped to my parents house. I have two children - one of whom is 5 weeks old and I just didn’t need the stress.

Today I texted the wife of the guy who said these things and asked her clarify. She phoned her husband who said that he only said these things to my DH as a wind up but never actually got round to telling him that it was a joke.

The guy has since texted my husband to tell him it was a joke. However, my husband hasn’t contacted me. He’s due in from work soon and I’m not sure how to handle this?

Any suggestions? Now I am bloody livid.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 30/07/2018 23:06

I'd ask him to go and stay somewhere else until he is ready to apologise and put things right. Otherwise it looks like he is searching for a reason to be angry.

IhopeyoulikeNavantoo · 30/07/2018 23:11

Honestly if my dhtook the word of some dickhead over me, it would be curtains. You shouldn't put up with that.

cees · 30/07/2018 23:12

Go back to your mum's until he's copped on. He is being a massive tool and he needs to realise that and bloody apologise for his shitty behaviour.

IhopeyoulikeNavantoo · 30/07/2018 23:12

The fact that he didn't apologise means he's a waste of space.

Fatted · 30/07/2018 23:19

I'm sorry but I would be having WW3 about this! He'd have been told to go and Fuck himself and then take himself off to his mothers until he apologised.

IMO if he believed friend over you in the first place, it says it all really. He doesn't trust you. I'd frankly be wondering if he was looking for an excuse to be angry at you and be asking his mate what really went on the other night about what your partner has been up to!

mybumpisonlypudding · 30/07/2018 23:48

Giraffey - of course I would be furious, I think I've already said that I would lose my temper. That doesn't mean it's ok to call the OP a doormat. I think she's got enough going on without that.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/07/2018 07:49

My opening gambit would be divorce papers.

ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 31/07/2018 11:43

Hope you're ok op. I personally tell him calmly " you were out of order. If you're so called mate is immature enough to feed you that bs and you're too immature to see it is bs and appologise then you are not the man i thought you were. I have done nothing wrong and you have treated me like crap, i hope you can think about how you have made me feel with your actions, and i hipe your so called mate realises the shit he has caused, for a 'joke''. Then walk away.

HectorlovesKiki · 31/07/2018 11:59

Your DH sounds very immature, as is his stupid so called 'friend'.
He doesn't trust or respect you which is a genuine worry.
What you need from him, especially with your new baby, is his support & love, both of which he has denied you. He knows he's in the wrong but nursing his ego is more important to him than doing right by you ie: by apologising profusely. Naturally, you're angry & upset. Maybe you need a big argument to get things off your chest, out into the open & maybe you'll find out what is really going on in that pea sized brain of his.

Elsi3 · 31/07/2018 12:19

He's ignoring you?! I would be LIVID.

Like others he would have the silent treatment and I would be at my mum's until he grovelled.

Stupomax · 31/07/2018 12:33

So what happened? Did you have a conversation?

Weepingangels · 31/07/2018 13:25

I would suspect him playing away with that reaction.

You need to let your anger loose at him and at his idiot friend. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't love you that much if at all to be this way.

Original poster

itsawhopper · 31/07/2018 17:08

Sorry I’ve been busy with the kids today!

We had a huge bust up this morning. I mean enormous. I told his he owed me a massive apology and he said he didn’t because he believed there to be something in what his mate said. I don’t want to go into the details of what the whole thing was about but it stemmed from a conversation I’d had with this guy’s wife. Totally innocent but this guy had twisted it to wind up my husband.

I explained to him about the conversation and he saw where I was coming from. We’re not 100% back to normal and I’m utterly furious at this guy for daring to be so stupid and almost vindictive. I know he’s said something in jest thinking that it was a joke but it’s rocked me completely with a new baby.

I do see my husband in a different light though and I am starting to wonder about how this is going to be repaired.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsawhopper · 31/07/2018 17:22

weeping

My husband is a total twat at times but I’d be shocked if he played away. I’m not naive btw -
I just think it would be unlikey

OP posts:

Weepingangels · 31/07/2018 17:46

He is a shit bag and has no confidence in you which has shattered yours in him. How can you go anywhere when he does not beg forgiveness. Instead he blames you.

Shit friend also is to blame but your husband holds most fault here.

To do this when you are very vulnerable with a newborn is unforgivable.

I hope he is not but i would advise caution and consideration. The people i have seen act this way with such condemnation are often guilty and judging by their bad standards.

Fishface77 · 31/07/2018 18:15

I’d also text the “friend” and his wife and make it clear they aren’t to contact you and you are disgusted with his behaviour.
What an absolute bell end.
Your DH is another kettle of fish but i wonder how many of us would actually believe a friend telling us this?
It’s like mind fuck!

Troels · 31/07/2018 19:01

No way I'd let this one go.
Pack him a bin bag, message is twat of a friend and tell him "he's coming to stay with you until the pair of you can figure out how to make it better."

GinUnicorn · 31/07/2018 19:12

I’m so sorry OP he has treated you dreadfully and I hope you are okay.

I think he really needs to acknowledge his behaviour towards you and make serious amends. I think maybe try and be easy on yourself now with your young baby and 3year old but you need a conversation at some point.

I hope it resolves.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/07/2018 19:14

Wow, that’s 100% cunt behaviour.

He’s a juvenile

Cismyass · 31/07/2018 19:17

Bloody hell OP. Has he changed his mind about your marriage and is looking for 'an escape route' whereby he 'believes' some bull shit about you zllowing him to leave? Congrats on the baby and look after yourself. You really don't need this stress.

Giraffey1 · 10/08/2018 23:33

Mybump - I didn’t anywhere say OP was a doormat. Far from it!

I think it’s sad, OP, that you had to explain to him that you were upset, and why. And being furious at the guy who made the original comments ‘as a joke’ seems to be directing your anger at the wrong person.

I hope you manage to find a way to mend this.

CSIblonde · 11/08/2018 04:02

He's not much of a friend if he delights in pushing your partners buttons re your marriage.. Glad things are better but I'd be distancing from the wife, as whatever you discuss is possibly further ammunition for her partner. (I'm assuming he has form for this, stirrers usually do). You'll always be thinking will this be repeated to her partner.

Ibelieveinkarma · 11/08/2018 04:29

As pp's have said, he seems to be looking for reasons to be furious with you.
My cheating bastard of an ex was like this, accusing me of all sorts (and I had young children and was stuck in whilst he went out on the piss on a weekly basis) and was vile towards me, just like your dh.
It turned out that ex was accusing me of the things HE was getting up to!

It's a common scenario with those who have a guilty conscience.

PollyFlinderz · 11/08/2018 04:34

This is weird, it's like he wants an excuse to be cross at you for whatever reason

That was my immediate thought also but I didn’t think it was weird. I thought how convenient.

PollyFlinderz · 11/08/2018 05:01

Isaw, I think he found a convenient way to be a nasty swine to you and I would want to know why so my conversation would be along the lines of this - it seems you were just looking for an excuse to have a go at me and I think its better if we get to the bottom of it now so come on, what really is going on here?

Not that Id be saying it in a scared way. I'd own it.

Do I think he's having an affair? Im not even going down that road thought wise because people can be nasty swines for a whole lot of other reasons besides. Am I trying to get him off the hook? Far from it. Sometimes it can be relief to know that someone isn't having an affair. It can make their behaviour a bit more palatable because at least he's not having an affair. The way he's treated you is awful and its important you dont let it get swept under the carpet.

As for the friend who told her husband about a conversation you both had? She's no friend of yours and her husband is a bitch. Would they be part of my life after this? Absolutely no way at all.

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