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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend hid child from the father & now wants money

77 replies

cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 14:34

Someone who isn’t my closest friend but we socialise in a larger group has a 5 year old child that we all assumed the father didn’t want to be involved and therefore wasn’t.

But very recently she’s admitted to the group that she’s struggling financially and has started the process of collecting CM from the father... who didn’t know the child existed.

For clarification I would not give my opinion to her as it’s not my place but on here I think it’s beneficial to discuss as women what’s acceptable in these situations. AIBU to think this isn’t okay? She robbed that man 5 years of knowing his child and now only wants to come collecting money because she is struggling. Yes of course a parent should pay for their child but it’s not ok to only find out you have a child because the other parent wants your money.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 30/07/2018 14:35

Of course that's not ok from what you have said. But there may well be more to the story that you aren't aware of

PurpleDaisies · 30/07/2018 14:36

She’s behaved appalling but if he is the father, he should be given the opportunity to know his child and also support him or her financially.

Deshasafraisy · 30/07/2018 14:39

Why did she hide the child initially! Was he abusive? Did she have a good reason?

GnomeoWasARockStar · 30/07/2018 14:39

I know someone this happened to, but the child was 9. Since he found out he's been a great dad and is so sad he missed out on 9 years of his childs life.

Singlenotsingle · 30/07/2018 14:41

Sad for the child to have no daddy.

Original poster
cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 14:42

She told us she thought she could do a good enough job on her own. Friends who’ve known her longer than I have say the fathers child, who they realise they know once she told us who it was, say that the man is a lovely man and has been gutted since learning he’s missed out.

I’m so disappointed a woman could behave like this nevermind that she’s my friend

OP posts:
GnomeoWasARockStar · 30/07/2018 14:42

And just to add he's a great guy, not abusive in any way. She just decided she didn't want him or his family in the child's life. Crazy. Both he and his family are lovely.

wink1970 · 30/07/2018 14:45

I think this is awful behaviour and reinforces the 'all women are devious bitches' mindset.

I feel for the dad, missing out on his child's early years, but also now landed with financial responsibilities he may not be able to afford/want.

anotherangel2 · 30/07/2018 14:47

I am not saying he is abuaive but absuive men are usually not abusive in public.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 30/07/2018 14:48

Awful behaviour and I couldn't continue to be friends with her. She's robbed her child and him of building a bond etc. Now to go after himas she wants money is dispicable.

funinthesun18 · 30/07/2018 14:51

I’d lose all respect for my friend if she did that. Not good enough for the first 5 years of his child’s life but good enough now she wants money from him Hmm

Creatureofthenight · 30/07/2018 14:53

If there is genuinely no other reason for not informing the dad from the start, then YANBU, she sounds appalling and I would not continue to be friends with her.

Mookatron · 30/07/2018 14:54

Of course it's not ok, assuming it all happened as you say.

But he had unprotected sex and a child resulted so he should pay the money. The timing's a red herring. Not his fault he's missed out on 5 years of course.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 14:55

Awful behaviour. I think denying a child and father the right to a relationship for no good reason, should be legally punishable.

It's a good thing though that she now needs money because at least it means he's found out now, rather than when the child is too old for a meaningful relationship to form.

I bet this has thrown his life into turmoil though - he may have a wife or dp who will have to adjust and who didn't sign up to bring a step parent. It will affect his parents etc.

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 14:55

Hiding the child from him for five years was wrong, but the CMS is a separate issue. He has merely saved himself five years' worth of contributions.

PurpleDaisies · 30/07/2018 14:57

He has merely saved himself five years' worth of contributions.?

He has no idea about the child. She saved him from paying CM all that time. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know about the child.

Babyroobs · 30/07/2018 14:58

It is beyond comprehension how a woman can do this if there was no DV issues involved.

JessicaJonesJacket · 30/07/2018 15:00

ime it takes a lot for a woman to hide a child from their father. She may not want to explain any issues or abuse but that doesn't mean it didn't take place.

It also seems odd that you have so many mutual acquaintances with the father and yet the father didn't realise she'd had a child, didn't work out the child could have been his; and didn't take any steps to find out if the child was his or not. I actually think that lack of initiative points to the 'father' not being as nice a person as the others are trying to imply.

Mousefunky · 30/07/2018 15:00

I don’t know how CMS works but will he now be expected to pay five years work backdated? Or is it just from when she puts the claim in? Poor guy though to have missed the first five years of his DC’s life and I can only imagine the shock it must have caused.

I hope he gets a paternity test and demands to go on the BC. Provided he wasn’t abusive in any way, this is shocking and devious behaviour.

gettingevenhotter · 30/07/2018 15:00

Maybe after nine months of pregnancy and getting fat and throwing up and then pushing a baby out of your vagina and sleepless nights and painful tits and expensive childcare and clothes and shoes and food, and meanwhile five years ago he had a good shag, she feels she’s owed something.

I agree with her.

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 15:02

He has no idea about the child. She saved him from paying CM all that time. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know about the child.

What I mean is, there can be no complaint from him that he doesn't want to pay now. He can complain that he wasn't told, but morally, he needs to start contributing to the cost of raising his child.

funinthesun18 · 30/07/2018 15:02

He has merely saved himself five years' worth of contributions

No he hasn’t because he had no idea the child even existed. She did that and I really hope she can’t get back payments.
I really hope he doesn’t have a family (eg wife and kids Sad)

PurpleDaisies · 30/07/2018 15:02

Maybe after nine months of pregnancy and getting fat and throwing up and then pushing a baby out of your vagina and sleepless nights and painful tits and expensive childcare and clothes and shoes and food, and meanwhile five years ago he had a good shag, she feels she’s owed something.

She hid the fact the man had a child for five years. How is he the bad guy here?

gettingevenhotter · 30/07/2018 15:03

Not necessarily bad guy. But he hasn’t had a hard time either.

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 15:03

Or is it just from when she puts the claim in?

As far as I know, it can be backdated, but only from when the claim goes in.

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