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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend hid child from the father & now wants money

77 replies

cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 14:34

Someone who isn’t my closest friend but we socialise in a larger group has a 5 year old child that we all assumed the father didn’t want to be involved and therefore wasn’t.

But very recently she’s admitted to the group that she’s struggling financially and has started the process of collecting CM from the father... who didn’t know the child existed.

For clarification I would not give my opinion to her as it’s not my place but on here I think it’s beneficial to discuss as women what’s acceptable in these situations. AIBU to think this isn’t okay? She robbed that man 5 years of knowing his child and now only wants to come collecting money because she is struggling. Yes of course a parent should pay for their child but it’s not ok to only find out you have a child because the other parent wants your money.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/07/2018 15:03

He doesn't owe her anything - she made her choices. But he does owe the child support and a relationship. She also owes the child the opportunity to have his father in his life and has selfishly put her wants above her child's long term needs.

PurpleDaisies · 30/07/2018 15:04

Not necessarily bad guy. But he hasn’t had a hard time either.

He has missed out on five years of knowing his child!!!

lifechangesforever · 30/07/2018 15:05

This happened to my brother - had you not said the child was 5 I would have wondered if it was the same person.

My brother has been robbed of any relationship with his child and doesn't feel like he can be part of his life because there were so many years before he found out. Worst of it was that she told him via text message.

So YANBU to be annoyed with her behaviour.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 30/07/2018 15:05

She didn't feel the child was owed contact with their father though, did she?
Unless of course there's more to the story - Jessica Jones makes a good point that it would be odd that he never questioned it if they have several mutual acquaintances, or if he was aware of the child.

Original poster

cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 15:06

I agree that you can’t always know what goes on but at the same i can’t see her telling us what she did knowing it would make her come across as such a horrible person over admitting DV. I didn’t imagine she could do something like this but at the same time she isnt the nicest person in the world.

From what friends who know the father are saying it sounds like he’s not just going to pay for CM but seek rights to see his child and spoil the little boy as much as he can to make up for lost time.

OP posts:

BounceAndJump · 30/07/2018 15:07

It could have been fear of court cases and overnights with someone it sounds like she didn't know well (for him to have never found out about the pregnancy) while her child was young. Going after money now isn't going the right way about it she should have contacted him to explain the situation and offer introductions.

funinthesun18 · 30/07/2018 15:08

Maybe after nine months of pregnancy and getting fat and throwing up and then pushing a baby out of your vagina and sleepless nights and painful tits and expensive childcare and clothes and shoes and food, and meanwhile five years ago he had a good shag, she feels she’s owed something.

Still not his fault that he hasn’t provided anything in the past five years. No point in her feeling sorry for herself now.

NorthernSpirit · 30/07/2018 15:08

What a selfish cow. Children have a right to a relationship with both parents. She took that right away and has now ‘allowed’ it because she wants money. Disgusting behaviour.

Original poster

cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 15:09

To address some points about the mutual aquaintances, I don’t know the father so can’t really judge how likely is it he could’ve known

OP posts:

Shortstuff08 · 30/07/2018 15:12

I know this to have happened twice. Once was my cousins wife who told my cousin the baby was his. When cousin and wide broke up (she cheated again) it all came out as she wanted to stop my cousin seeing his child.

Another friend of mine was getting married to a lovely man. A woman contacted them and it turned out he had a 4 year old that she had never told him about.

It does happen and not always cause the man's done something shit.

FuckPants · 30/07/2018 15:12

If I were the father I'd be seeking a paternity test.

If it was a match I'd then haul her in court to get PR and 50/50, she can then tell the judge why she 'hid' the child for five years.

crunchymint · 30/07/2018 15:14

OP you don't know what is really going on. In situations like this its best to keep an open mind. Maybe she was unfair, maybe he is abusive. Abusers usually hide it and seem like great guys in public.

Flashingbeacon · 30/07/2018 15:14

With mutual aquancies keeping a child secret would have been hard. I know a friend of mine who tracked down a one night stand when he realised she had a child that might have been his. It wasn’t his child but he needed to be sure. And he is nice and his family is nice there’s got to be more to it.

greendale17 · 30/07/2018 15:17

@gettingevenhotter

She chose not to tell the father she was pregnant. She chose not to tell him he had a child. She chose to do it alone. She chose to deprive her child of a father.

Now she needs money she wants the father to know. She is a disgrace.

Willow2017 · 30/07/2018 15:19

I agree with her.

Why did she wait 5 years then?

Maybe she should have thought about all that before having sex its not just the mans responsibility? It takes 2 he didnt get her pregnant on his own.

She chose not to tell him from the get go but now she is deciding to tell him for one reason only. Again she should have thought about it before putting herself at risk of pregnancy.

Yes he needs to step up but the way she has gone about it is very wrong. She didn't give a fig about his rights as a dad to have a relationship with his son till it suited her. I presume she will allow a relationship now? If not thats worse. She has denied her own son a father thats awful. And unfortunately some women are this way.

There doesnt need to be any dv involved at all for sone people to behave badly towards ex's. Not all men who are kept out of a childs life are abusers yet its always the first conclusion people jump to. Blame the man as it cant possibly be a woman acting selfishly. Both men and women can be selfish and act appalingly.

Willow2017 · 30/07/2018 15:24

Not necessarily bad guy. But he hasn’t had a hard time either.

Being denied 5yrs of his childs life and a relationship with him is pretty shit. Bit more important than nkt paying money in my book.

MitchDash · 30/07/2018 15:24

So much judgement from people who don't know anything.
Perhaps he said he wasn't ready for children.
Perhaps he said he didn't want them.
Perhaps he said he would insist on an abortion if a gf became pregnant.
Perhaps she decided she would like to raise this child once she found out she was pregnant, and she has for nearly 6 years including her pregnancy.
Perhaps she has fertility issues and felt she might not get another chance.
Now she is struggling, so things have changed.
Did she do the right thing 6 years ago, who knows?
Is she doing her best for her child? Absolutely.
Is this situation sad? Absolutely.

funinthesun18 · 30/07/2018 15:24

I presume she will allow a relationship now?

If not I hope he takes her to court and it becomes a really big inconvenience for her having to share her child.

FuckPants · 30/07/2018 15:26

Is she doing her best for her child? Absolutely.

No, no she hasn't at all, not for the past five years at least.

ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie · 30/07/2018 15:29

This happened to a relative of mine. She was adopted as a baby and always told that her biological father had died in a car accident before she was born and that was why her biological mother had given her up for adoption.

Many years later as an adult she contacted her biological mother, who didn’t want to know her and said she’d since had other children and wanted no contact. Fine. She refused any further information about the biological father other than saying he was definitely very dead - she’d seen his body - and refused to tell the daughter where he was buried. Oh and if my relative dared to try to make contact with her half sisters she’d call the police. She now had what she called “a perfect family” and my relative wasn’t part of it.

My DH did some digging. No death certificate. After a few months of searching we found him living 50 miles away. My DH made contact and this poor man sobbed to be told of the existence of a daughter he’d never been told about and wanted to meet.

My relative went into an emotional tail spin and said she wanted to meet her biological father but needed time. He agreed, he was upset but said he understood. Sadly he died a few months later before they ever met.

user1486915549 · 30/07/2018 15:31

A friend of mine was contacted recently by a very old flame who told him her 17 year old daughter was his. she was married and had told her husband the child was his.
She only contacted my friend when she got divorced.
My friend got DNA testing done and was devastated to discover it was true , especially as he had no other children and had totally missed out on being a parent.
Daughter wants nothing to do with him. So sad for everyone.

notthisagain83 · 30/07/2018 15:34

Women/men like this infuriated me. Unless there is abuse involved there is never a good enough reason to prevent a child from having a relationship with a parent or vise versa.

He has missed out on 5 years of his child's life that he will never get back due to a self decision she made. I hope so can't get back pay but that he can now be involved in his child's life.

BitchQueen90 · 30/07/2018 15:38

Some people will make any excuses for women purely because they are women. Not all women are saints. A small number do do horrible things.

Doing the best thing for a child is allowing them to have a relationship with their father provided he is a fit parent. I am a single parent and no matter what the situation is with my ex he is not a bad man and he has a very good relationship with our son.

Now that he knows he is a father he should pay maintenance. And he should also be allowed access.

BlueBug45 · 30/07/2018 15:40

@ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie I hope your relative knows that once her bio half-siblings are over 18 her shit of a biological mother can't stop her contacting them. I've met people who discovered they had half-siblings when they were adults over 30, and managed to have good relationships with them without the biological mother's involvement.

AnnieOH1 · 30/07/2018 15:41

The only time I've ever known this to happen was where it was a purely one night stand (the dad was in a travelling production at the local theatre). The woman figured that it wouldn't have been reasonable to tell him, it was her choice to have the child etc. She ended up contacting him when it was discovered that her child had a genetic condition that couldn't have come from her family. She tied herself up in knots over it I know that much but eventually decided she had to tell him in case he ever had had kids or went on to have kids that might be affected. By this point she had married and had other children. Basically she did her best with the circumstances. Was she right? I'm not going to sit and try and judge her, my point in sharing the story is that there may have been many reasons that she didn't inform the father (as in the OP's friend) but if it were me I'd like to think that once I'd made the choice of no contact/no knowledge that would be it.

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