Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend hid child from the father & now wants money

77 replies

cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 14:34

Someone who isn’t my closest friend but we socialise in a larger group has a 5 year old child that we all assumed the father didn’t want to be involved and therefore wasn’t.

But very recently she’s admitted to the group that she’s struggling financially and has started the process of collecting CM from the father... who didn’t know the child existed.

For clarification I would not give my opinion to her as it’s not my place but on here I think it’s beneficial to discuss as women what’s acceptable in these situations. AIBU to think this isn’t okay? She robbed that man 5 years of knowing his child and now only wants to come collecting money because she is struggling. Yes of course a parent should pay for their child but it’s not ok to only find out you have a child because the other parent wants your money.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 30/07/2018 15:43

It's a pretty awful thing to do. That man may have moved on, possibly had children with someone else and now have to adjust to having a 5 year old who is a total stranger.

I would be very careful about putting any trust in this woman.

BlueBug45 · 30/07/2018 15:48

OP if the father has other children the amount of maintenance she will get won't be a lot. Has she considered this?

OctaviaOctober · 30/07/2018 15:49

So she wasn't in a relationship with the man then, or obviously he'd have known. Was it a fling and she assumed he wouldn't be interested because he stopped calling her? Was he married or in a relationship?

It's very unusual for a woman to decide to cut the father out "just because". She must have a reason even if she chooses to not share it with you.

YearOfYouRemember · 30/07/2018 15:52

She definitely doesn't deserve to get five years worth of maintenance. What should happen is the money is ring fenced for the child when he's 18 and the mother can't get at it.

readingabook · 30/07/2018 15:52

Not informing the father is a separate issue from the money. Not informing the father, unless there is good reason, is appalling.
But regardless, financially, the child comes first and he has a responsibility to pay.

upsideup · 30/07/2018 15:53

Its should be illegal, I have no idea how it isnt and how people can in any way feel sorry for women like her.
My SiL hasnt told the father of her eldest that he has a son, shes been telling her son and anyone else who will listen that his dad doesnt care about him though. One of my friends has just found out the the 9 year old hes been raising and paying for isnt actually his daughter, her real father was told they there had been a DNA test and his daughter isnt his.

funinthesun18 · 30/07/2018 15:53

Does he have a family OP? As in wife/partner and children?

NordicNobody · 30/07/2018 15:56

I knew a woman a few years ago who admitted to being really careless with bc in the hope of falling pregnant (she didn't, thankfully). The guy she was dating was a prat who was just using her for sex and already had two kids the never saw or paid for. She always maintained that if she got pregnant she just wouldn't tell him and would raise the baby alone. When I told her that was a shitty idea she just kept saying "it'd be fine, my baby would want for nothing". I said "it'd want for a decent father Hmm" and after that we didn't really speak much.

BlueBug45 · 30/07/2018 16:03

@OctaviaOctober I know some cases of this.

In the men's cases they luckily found out through mutual acquaintances that their ex-gf/fling was pregnant/had a baby. They actually love children so were totally upset that this was done to them.

In the women's cases they made up excuses of why the father - who was never violent or abusive to them - wasn't involved.

BrokenWing · 30/07/2018 16:07

Not telling the father for 5 years is despicable behaviour to not only the father but to her child too.

The money is a minor side issue in this case which will be sorted through the correct channels and not even worth discussing.

Menolly · 30/07/2018 16:09

This happened to my friend. One evening he got a text telling him he was a dad. He text back almost immediately arranging to meet her and finding out what support they needed. He is a great dad. Not knowing and all the time he missed with her hurt him but what really hurts him is that his little girl doesn't know he didn't know about her, she thinks he just wasn't there and he can't correct that without slagging her mum off which he would never do.

RE: mutual acquaintances, unless these mutual acquaintances knew the two of them had been sleeping together would they mention the child to him? I mean unless the mum cropped up in conversation why would you?

Stupomax · 30/07/2018 16:11

Let's hope he doesn't apply for and win custody, then apply for maintenance for the child from her.

hotcrossapple · 30/07/2018 16:16

I can’t see a reason why you’d withhold contact and then allow it if the man was abusive because you wanted money, so I can’t see a reason that would excuse it that makes sense. That said we all make mistakes and surely whatever age you get told you have a child, you have to try and build a relationship.

I admit to a small feeling of jealousy over men who find they’ve got more children whilst having missed out on some hard years, on a light hearted note. I’d love to be presented with a 5 year old, most children respond eventually to people that care about them.

manaftermidnight · 30/07/2018 16:17

Not necessarily bad guy. But he hasn’t had a hard time either

Hasn't had a hard time? Are you on glue? He missed FIVE YEARS of his childs life. He missed knowing them as a baby, first everything, missed influencing them and knowing them and providing for them. If you think its no big deal presumably you wouldn't mind if we took your kids away for 5 years?

manaftermidnight · 30/07/2018 16:18

Is she doing her best for her child? Absolutely

you missed the word NOT after Absolutely. She is not and has not been doing the best for her child.

Charolais · 30/07/2018 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ebeneser · 30/07/2018 16:24

Can she claim child maintenance though? If she hasn’t told the father, she may well not have put his name on the birth certificate either. Surely CSA wouldn’t just accept this without proof? Otherwise you’d have unscrupulous women falsely claiming xy&z are their fathers children?

Original poster
cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 16:36

I think it’s more of a case my friends knew of him back when he was involved with friend but do not know him like a friend now if that makes sense.

From info passed through the grapevine, he’s single, no kids and wants 50% custody now that he knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocacolaaaclassic · 30/07/2018 16:37

I have not asked my friend who is the mother any details as I don’t think were close enough for me to start asking questions without seeming nosy. And I’d very much be tempted to give her my opinions

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 16:42

If she hasn’t told the father, she may well not have put his name on the birth certificate either.

You cant just put men on the birth certificate. They have to be present and agree (unless you're married to them).

The advice in this forum is nearly always to have a blank space so the father cant have any PR over his own child. Some women view children as a personal possession.

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 16:44

Op -the first thing your friend should do is get a paternity test.

funinthesun18 · 30/07/2018 16:48

Can she claim child maintenance though? If she hasn’t told the father, she may well not have put his name on the birth certificate either. Surely CSA wouldn’t just accept this without proof? Otherwise you’d have unscrupulous women falsely claiming xy&z are their fathers children?

I don’t think it matters whether the father is on the birth certificate or not. The mother could pick any guy she wanted and claim he’s the father and the claim would be accepted. That’s why the CMS use DNA tests if the “father” requests it to prove whether the child is definitely his or not. If the child isn’t his then he doesn’t need to pay for the DNA test and the case will close and the mother won’t get a penny out of him. If the child is his he has to pay for the DNA test plus pay maintenance going forward. In which case he should go and get PR if he wants access to the child.

fifig87 · 30/07/2018 16:55

I think your friend is awful. How cruel can some people be. It will be so confusing for the child concerned as well. I dont think i could forgive my mother if she did that to me. It would want to be an abusive man or something before i would.

I do also know someone who this happened too. Except the child is a young teen and he found out by chance. He loves kids and is devastated to have missed out on so long. Already has started paying maintenance but hasnt met said child yet as the child is very confused by it all.

Some people are just cruel

AhoyDelBoy · 30/07/2018 17:39

@ShredMeJillianIWantToBeNatalie
That’s really sad!

Stupomax · 30/07/2018 17:46

From info passed through the grapevine, he’s single, no kids and wants 50% custody now that he knows.

And how does the mother feel about that?