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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it can be easier to be the parent of numerous children than one?

113 replies

Bumpitybumper · 30/07/2018 13:37

I am still in baby/toddler stage with my two so I am genuinely asking out of interest as I don't have enough direct experience to form a proper opinion, but am I right in thinking that sometimes it can be easier to have more than one DC? My assumption is mainly based on the belief that they will be less dependent on adults to provide the companionship and entertainment they need as their siblings could be their playmate. Obviously where the DC don't get on this is a bit of a non starter but if the DC do get on well do you think it actually requires less effort to raise more than one child overall?

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 30/07/2018 18:31

No, you just get better at it

puppymouse · 30/07/2018 18:32

@Bumpitybumper I think as a mum of one and having been an only for 12 years there's a crucial difference between needing or wanting adult attention and thinking the whole world revolves around you.

DD likes attention and isn't great at playing on her own. I was same as a child. But she's also understanding about sharing, taking turns and the word no. I think the former is just personality/preference and the latter is behavioral.

Binkybix · 30/07/2018 18:35

When I only have my older one it feels like a piece of piss!

Original poster

Bumpitybumper · 30/07/2018 18:36

@100kindsofwonderful
I wasn't promoting the idea that my SIL should have another child just so it could be a "carer sibling" but I do believe that if she had wanted to expand her family then the resultant sibling could have had a positive impact on their older sister. I think there is a difference between placing an obligation on a siblings to take care of each other and be each others best friends and the scenario which happens in many families where all this stuff happens naturally. Where it is organic and not forced then this kind of dynamic can work well for all involved and enhance everybody's lives. It isn't always a win:lose situation.

OP posts:

gettingevenhotter · 30/07/2018 18:36

I think adults can be fooled into thinking that siblings are playing delightfully together when they are not.

Original poster

Bumpitybumper · 30/07/2018 18:42

@puppymouse
Yes I agree that the propensity to seek out high levels of adult attention is inate (I have one of these type too), I also think that having a sibling can force a naturally demanding child to accept that they just can't get the amount of attention they would like. When I had one I obviously wanted to be an attentive parent and therefore would give my child lots of attention because quite frankly I could and I wasn't doing anything better. Now I am forced to ration the attention and time I devote to her as I have to also meet the needs and demands of her sibling. I think lots of older siblings go through this adjustment when a new baby arrives as I remember reading about it a lot when anticipating DC2. It is part of the reason why the introduction of a sibling can be so hard for a child.

OP posts:

puppymouse · 30/07/2018 19:00

@Bumpitybumper totally. And I think it's easy to feel greater pressure as an only or firstborn as you have had that extra attention.

I think there are pros and cons either way. I just know I wouldn't have the patience for more than one child!

qumquat · 30/07/2018 19:03

Not in my experience. I have one and when we visit friends with more I feel the need to lie down in a darkened room after we got home! I find the general noise and chaos of several children much more wearing than having the one, and I never have to negotiate sibling arguments.

BertieBotts · 30/07/2018 19:09

DS should have had a sibling. Absolutely. I wish I'd been able to do that earlier, it wasn't to be. He will finally get his little brother when he's nearly 10, hardly the same. But he's done alright and I haven't gone totally insane yet :o

RainbowBriteRules · 30/07/2018 20:36

I’ve just been reading a thread where the OP is struggling with a toddler and newborn. Many posters saying they could relate and had similar. There are loads of threads like that on here all the time, not to mention ones about sibling rivalry and then ones about balancing different ages of children. More children usually equals much more work.

I have two DC as I say. I would never, ever say to a parent of 3 or more, and I know a few, that they had it easier. I doubt they would ever speak to me again!

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 30/07/2018 20:44

Depends how they get on! I notice some posters say it's easier when they have a friend round to play with their single child, but in that situation, the child is a novelty. When it's three kids who see each other all day long they just argue,

I think the main benefit to more than one kid is that even if they are aguing they're still entertaining each other

RainbowBriteRules · 30/07/2018 20:50

Totally. An extra child on a play date makes life easier. It’s not comparable to an extra sibling.

Seasawride · 30/07/2018 21:00

It depends totally on you, your kids personalities and your family set up.

We are a large family with 6 kids now almost all grown up. Tidy describe their childhood as ‘idyllic’ so we will take that. They all get on and all is good.

However ds1 has 1 child and no more and the rest havnt seemed in the least eager to start.

Seasawride · 30/07/2018 21:00

Tidy obviousiy they!

HelloFreedom · 30/07/2018 21:08

Completely dependent on a child's personality IMO. My eldest 2 (of 4) would not have suited being only children. Both are quite neurotic, nervous and shy of others. They are inseparable and fighting between them is rare. They do the same activities and usually have the same interests. Makes for an easy life in lots of ways.

My third DD however is more confident and outgoing. And she thrives on one to one attention. She may have suited being an only. I can imagine her enjoying being alone with just DH and I. Although how much of her personality is shaped by her siblings and her place in the family is hard to guess.

Youngest one, it's too soon to tell.

I'm prone to neuroticism and worrying. I think I would have been an overbearing helicopter mother if I had one child. Having 4 forces me to mentally relax and stop obsessing about creating a 'perfect' life for my family. So in that sense I feel having more children has made my life easier. I am forced to let go of my hang ups.

Physically though there's no doubt that more children equals more work. More washing, more cleaning, bigger house, bigger car, more expense yada yada. But I embrace that. I like the busy-ness. I like that I have to be organised and together. It gives me a sense of achievement and purpose.

SweetheartNeckline · 31/07/2018 12:02

It's hard because there are so many other factors at play.

I have 3 children. Did I have 3 because I'm a SAHM or am I a SAHM because I have 3? SAHM definitely makes school holidays easier - no expensive childcare etc.

My kids play nicely together at the moment but we'll have lots more stress as a family in teen years.

My kids do 2 activities each plus swimming lessons; it's "plenty" but if I had an only child they could do 6 activities for the same cost / ferrying about time.

IME the people who have 2+ children mould their lives to be child centric: babysitters are harder to come by so less nights out, but a trip to Butlins is an "easier" holiday than trying to entertain a child on a more adult holiday. Same with restaurants etc; my friends with one child have a nicer lifestyle (I wouldn't bother dragging my 3 anywhere with proper tablecloths!) but I think some of those choices must make life harder in some ways.

I suppose I have relaxed more and embraced the fact life will never be the same, but is that why I have 3 or because I have 3?

My eldest is an intense child and it definitely balances her, having siblings.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 31/07/2018 14:40

I think it probably just comes down to what you get used to. I have 2 children with a 2 year age gap. If one of them is somewhere else the other one is a bit lost and will ask several times what I think the other one might be doing.
They have been used to the other one always being around, mine do adore each other and play imaginary games together for hours. They also fight over who gets a turn on the iPad. I find it easier having 2, I'd feel guilty about one being lonely.
My partner is an only child but was happy for us to have just one as he doesn't remember being lonely.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 31/07/2018 14:49

Not read the thread so apologies if repeating or it's moved on.

In my experience people with one think that when their only has a friend over that's the equivalent of having two and that it's easier but of course the reality it (usually) that the friend is much better behaved and there is almost no arguing as they are not fed up with each other being in their spaces constantly.

My two are close in age and the idea is that they are playmates that occupy each other but of course the reality is that they play nicely together some of the time and argue to the point of distraction the rest of time time.

It's always easier with one when the other is away, but again, I realise this is not representative of having an only child because this is a novelty for the child left at home so they are enjoying the one to one attention that bit more as a result and it's not constant.

That's not really an answer, just my observations.

beclev24 · 31/07/2018 15:22

Oh dear God no. I have 3. One of them is still a baby, but the other two (age 7and 4) fight from the moment they wake up til the end of the day. It quickly turns physical. They need CONSTANT supervision (worse than toddlers really) in case they really hurt each other. They almost never play together and on the rare occasions they do I am totally on edge waiting for carnage which invariably happens within minutes. And then I also have to make time to give them each lots of 1 on 1 time as I know that will help improve their relationship but between the breaking up fights and the baby that is very very hard. And then a baby to look after on top of that plus all the housework/cooking/washing etc

I appreciate that our situation is extreme but it’s definitely one of the possibilities. I always thought that sort of thing only happened in families where there was conflict between the parents or other major issues or neglect. No- DH and I almost never argue, we give them tons of attention/set boundaries/discipline/are consistent etc. it’s luck if they get on or not.

beclev24 · 31/07/2018 15:26

Oh and when I have just one of them or one plus the baby it’s a total and utter breeze!

Budgiegirlbob · 31/07/2018 17:50

An extra child on a play date makes life easier. It’s not comparable to an extra sibling

I agree. There are advantages to having multiple children, but overall more children means more work, more attention needed, more lifts, more time, more problems to solve, more worry, more housework, more laundry, more cooking, more shopping, and much, much more money!! Love them all though!!

Isadora2007 · 31/07/2018 18:01

Definitely advantages to both and disadvantages. On the whole though I’d say no- more kids is not easier. Mainly because there is the extra actual work and also the emotional toll. You can feel torn into 2-3-4 pieces when they all have differing needs that you are responsible for balancing. And you feel you often fail. Emotional needs as well as physical ones. If one has a talent requiring extra money or time you feel guilty if you indulge it and you’d feel guilty if you didn’t. So on the whole. I’d say not easier.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 31/07/2018 19:13

Sorry - in a hurry so a brief reply, but an emphatic 'yes' from me! My DC are close in age, but I find it MUCH easier having a few of them now they're getting a bit older.

They always have someone to play with - that's pure gold to me! It's good for me as it forces me to good at dividing my time and patience and work out ways to help them resolve their differences etc. It's fun - there's always energy flowing between them and they learn so much from each other.

I think I'm a much better mother of several children than I would be of one, frankly.

SleepingNaked · 31/07/2018 19:25

If I'd stuck to DC1 life would be very easy. However if DC2 has been the first, I suspect not so much! He's always been a demanding, attention seeking child. Does not enjoy his own company too much. They sometimes get on really well and I can relax but often times I am breaking up fights and refereeing arguments.

Then throw DC3 into the mix (larger age gap) and urgh. Can't cope. Hoping this will change as DC gets past the toddler stage.....

As children I played well with my siblings. As teenagers we argued often. As adults, I don't get on with my brother too much. Not overly close to my sister but make more effort as she has DC and it's nice for the cousins to get together.

All depends I guess!

BitchQueen90 · 31/07/2018 19:34

Guess it depends on the child/children.

I only have one and in my case having another would be the worst thing that could happen to be honest. I don't want another one and even if I did as a single parent on a low wage our quality of life would be awful.

DS can play fine by himself when he needs to though, he's not especially demanding.

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