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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My fault?

113 replies

hfuiweo · 29/07/2018 16:17

This stroy is going to sound ridiculous but here goes...

We were supposed to be meeting DP's parents for coffee today at a garden centre. I said I was going to eat lunch before we went, but DP said no don't, we will get food there. I said the place doesn't have much choice, but he insisted they did and told me not to faff around cooking/making food.

We got there and the menu was quite limited, with only one veggie option for a meal (I'm a veggie). I said I would find something, I'd have a sandwich or chips. DP made a huge scene in front of his parents, saying he could tell I was annoyed at the limited food options, and knew I would moan about it when we got home. I said I wouldn't (the truth), and I'd find something there as there were cakes, sandwiches etc. He started getting even more angry, and said I was only saying this to be polite in front of his parents, and then said we should go to a pub nearby.

He got his way, and we all drove 3 miles to the pub but when we got there it was fully booked. It was pouring with rain, and his parents decided to go home. It was really embarrassing, and I kept telling them I didn't mind eating at the garden centre, I would have eaten something!

When me and DP were in the car he got very cross with me, and said I should have been honest at the garden centre and said I didn't like any of the food. I said I would have settled for something and that's behind honest, but he said I'm a picky eater and why am I so difficult. This is just a mind fcuk for me, as I said I wouldn't mind staying in the original place, it was him kicking up a fuss!

I'm now worried his parents think I'm a difficult mare, but I was trying not to be difficult :S I think I'm just asking for opinions on this, as I am just baffled

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 29/07/2018 19:25

I would have walked off.

Canwejustrelaxnow · 29/07/2018 19:58

Sounds to me like he was uptight about meeting his parents.

heartsease68 · 29/07/2018 20:04

He sounds like he has major issues. I would leave him (and I would never normally say that!).

MadMags · 29/07/2018 20:06

He acted a twat but I can easily imagine someone being annoyingly martyrish in this situation.

What was wrong with the vegetarian dish? And how much of a fuss did you make about “settling” for a sandwich? It was lunchtime. Surely a sandwich is fine for lunch, no settling required?

jelliebelly · 29/07/2018 20:11

It sounds frankly exhausting - if you were meeting for coffee why did lunch even come into the conversation!

BrokenWing · 29/07/2018 22:55

Broken-The behaviour of the OP's DH was humiliating and abusive. Advice on how to pander to him more effectively is not helpful.

Agreed, ops dh was an arse, I did say that. But if op was my sister out with our parents and putting a dampener on everything due to multiple passive aggressive comments about the food choices not being up to scratch for her tastes and having to make do it would impact mine and my parents enjoyment of our day out and while I would not be an arse about it I would eye roll (and my mum would probably tell her it she was whingy as a toddler too). The op can be more aware of her manners for everyone she eats out with not just her dh.

Her problems with her dh and their relationship I have not commented on, but for the record he was out of order, and she knows that already.

Cambionome · 29/07/2018 23:45

What "multiple passive aggressive comments about the food choices" Broken?

If you look back at op, you will see that you have just made all that shit up. Well done.

BrokenWing · 30/07/2018 00:12

I'd find something or I don't mind or I would have settled for something

Maybe negative, unenthasastic, martyr like is a better description

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 30/07/2018 00:28

Broken you sound like your projecting a bit, you have no idea whether the OP was being a martyr or passive aggressive, or putting a dampener on things. Why should the OP have to pretend the sandwiches look good and watch everyone else eat a nice meal? It's perfectly fine to say "theres no meal here for me but I'm fine with a sandwich" which is what she did, she doesn't have to get over enthusiastic about a sandwich ffs. She was settling for a sandwich.

My bet is on his pride getting hurt when he realised he was wrong and there was in fact no good vegetarian options. He's still being a total arsehole btw.

Eliza9917 · 30/07/2018 01:15

Declaring there is only one veggie option when there's sandwiches, cakes, whatever else is passive aggressive. In op's post above she listed loads of options.

And tbh I'd only expect sandwiches or omelettes or tea/coffee & cake etc in a garden centre anyway. It's not a restaurant, it's a café.

BrokenWing · 30/07/2018 01:34

Those are the actual words I quoted the op used in her post so fair to say she was letting everyone know that although there were choices she could eat she was having to settle due to her own food likes/dislikes/preferences. At no point in her op had the op said I'm fine with a sandwich.

Armadillostoes · 30/07/2018 08:19

I also agree that Broken is reading things into the OP's statements which just aren't there. There is nothing in those words alone which suggests that she was being a martyr. I sometimes have sandwiches and chips if I am in that kind of situation and consider it a treat, as I don't have chips very often. Without being present and hearing the tone of voice of the people involved it is impossible to tell.

However, I think that this is missing the point. The DH sounds as if he might be more than an arse (we all have days when we act badly). He sounds as though he might be abusive and gas-lighting. Given how difficult it is for people on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour to recognise it for what it is, encouraging her to think that his comments were in ANY WAY even partially justified is unhelpful.

TorviBrightspear · 30/07/2018 08:22

Brokenwing to be honest, you are not coming across well. It's like seeing a dog with a bone, pulling OP's posts apart in an effort to "prove" OP must be a whiny sod and her DP just frustrated.

The whole tone of OPs posts certainly suggests to me that her DP was trying to engineer a fight. And the reason many of us think this is because we sadly have similar experiences.

OP, if you're reading, please take a really good look at the relationship. If your DP does this kind of thing often, then I'd contemplate whether the relationship has a future.

TorviBrightspear · 30/07/2018 08:27

BTW, all my local garden centres have restaurants. So if OP said only one option, she was probably thinking of the mains, especially if the "coffee" had morphed into lunch.

And quite honestly, I'd feel annoyed if I went somewhere to find only one option for me that I didn't like. I wouldn't really be happy to tuck into a sarnie when everyone else is enjoying a proper meal.

Yokatsu · 30/07/2018 08:33

Just an alternative perspective.

Ive been in the op's other half's position.

Id suggest doing something one way, it didnt work out. Leaving my DP in a the position of accepting a compromise. He sais he was fine about it, but the way he said it didnt sound fine at all. I ended up totally tying myself in knots that he was unhappy and playing the martyrs , so i went to similar extreme lengths to solve the problem.

I got crosser that he wouldn't admit it was all his fault cos he came over unhappy. He couldn't understand why i was making such a fuss over absolutely nothing.

It was a total miscommunication. But it took discussion when we were both calm to work it out.

Of course he could be an arse. But its not the only explanation.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2018 09:15

Not much more to go on then really

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 09:39

Eliza1919

Declaring there is only one veggie option when there's sandwiches, cakes, whatever else is passive aggressive

How on earth is cake an appropriate option for lunch?

Some people will go to any lengths to tell OP she is wrong and the man is right.

Yes OP may have had cake as a last resort but that is not lunch.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 30/07/2018 10:34

But Yokata that wasn't his fault it was yours? It was you who got cross and started tying yourself into knots. He said he was fine. It doesn't matter if he sounded unhappy just accept that he's fine.

Yokatsu · 30/07/2018 10:37

Not really either of our faults. he sounded unhappy, it was a reasonable assumption on my part. It was a communication failure. Sometimes trying to attribute fault is really unhelpful

Eliza9917 · 30/07/2018 10:38

They were going for coffee. Coffee & cake is perfectly acceptable. Also, if being sensible diet wise, its ok to have that as a meal instead of in addition to one. Or have something smaller & have cake for dessert.

The Op has said there was a meal, sandwiches, soup, chips, cake, that's plenty to choose from. They could probably have made her an omelette and she could have had salad with it. I'm sure they'd have rustled up a cheese or egg salad if she's asked.

She could have had tomato soup and a toasted cheese sandwich. I wouldn't turn my nose up at that option.

Givemeallyourcucumber · 30/07/2018 10:51

Cake for lunch sounds bloody lovely! What a treat. I'll go next time!

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 11:30

Eliza9917, have you actually read the OP? OP says they were originally going for coffee, that's why she was going to have lunch at home. Her DP insisted they get lunch at the garden centre.

Who on earth are you to police OP's food intake and say she should just have coffee and cake, with no lunch beforehand? Shock

I'm sure they'd have rustled up a cheese or egg salad if she's asked.

You really don't know this. Lots of places like this stick to offering what's actually on the menu.

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 11:32

Cake for lunch sounds bloody lovely! What a treat. I'll go next time!

But it's each to their own. Cake for lunch would leave me unsatisfied and queasy.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2018 11:38

How well do you know his parents and how long have you been together. I'd say he was trying To show the relationship was in trouble,

Is there other issues?

Eliza9917 · 30/07/2018 11:45

*Eliza9917, have you actually read the OP? OP says they were originally going for coffee, that's why she was going to have lunch at home. Her DP insisted they get lunch at the garden centre.

Who on earth are you to police OP's food intake and say she should just have coffee and cake, with no lunch beforehand? shock

I'm sure they'd have rustled up a cheese or egg salad if she's asked.

You really don't know this. Lots of places like this stick to offering what's actually on the menu.*

I wasn't policing her food intake, just pointing out that she had more than one option.

Lots of places like this don't even serve proper food, they are cafes.