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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My fault?

113 replies

hfuiweo · 29/07/2018 16:17

This stroy is going to sound ridiculous but here goes...

We were supposed to be meeting DP's parents for coffee today at a garden centre. I said I was going to eat lunch before we went, but DP said no don't, we will get food there. I said the place doesn't have much choice, but he insisted they did and told me not to faff around cooking/making food.

We got there and the menu was quite limited, with only one veggie option for a meal (I'm a veggie). I said I would find something, I'd have a sandwich or chips. DP made a huge scene in front of his parents, saying he could tell I was annoyed at the limited food options, and knew I would moan about it when we got home. I said I wouldn't (the truth), and I'd find something there as there were cakes, sandwiches etc. He started getting even more angry, and said I was only saying this to be polite in front of his parents, and then said we should go to a pub nearby.

He got his way, and we all drove 3 miles to the pub but when we got there it was fully booked. It was pouring with rain, and his parents decided to go home. It was really embarrassing, and I kept telling them I didn't mind eating at the garden centre, I would have eaten something!

When me and DP were in the car he got very cross with me, and said I should have been honest at the garden centre and said I didn't like any of the food. I said I would have settled for something and that's behind honest, but he said I'm a picky eater and why am I so difficult. This is just a mind fcuk for me, as I said I wouldn't mind staying in the original place, it was him kicking up a fuss!

I'm now worried his parents think I'm a difficult mare, but I was trying not to be difficult :S I think I'm just asking for opinions on this, as I am just baffled

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/07/2018 17:19

It sounds bonkers.

Why on earth are you with him?

RebelRogue · 29/07/2018 17:20

The real red flag here is his assumption about how OP felt and what she thought. No matter what she said,he knew better not just that,he got angry when she didn't "perform" according to his expectations.

In a trivial issue it's just a dickish move but in what Other situations would he assume to know what OP wants or needs better than her?

MarthasGinYard · 29/07/2018 17:21

'We were supposed to be meeting DP's parents for coffee today at a garden centre.'

So when did the 'coffee' turn into lunch?

He sounds odd

Topseyt · 29/07/2018 17:24

Pull him up on this. Sharply.

He was wrong about the menu options. You were, however, happy to eat chips, sandwiches, cake. It would have been fine if he had not gone off on one and behaved like an arse.

I presume he is only labelling you a picky eater because you are a vegetarian. Therefore he doesn't understand vegetarians. Many eat a very wide variety of foods, just not meat or meat products.

shonkyklingonmakeup · 29/07/2018 17:26

I had an ex like this and I always thought it was my fault. It wasn't until I got out and had a normal(ish) partner that I realised how gross the dynamics had been.

Shoxfordian · 29/07/2018 17:38

He's behaved like a knob
Is he usually like this? How long have you been together?

ElementalHalfLife · 29/07/2018 17:40

He sounds like a keeper - if, of course, you want to spend the rest of your life enduring the public performances he puts on, purportedly being 'supportive' of your choices whilst actually expressing his intolerance and resentment of them, in an effort to elicit the sympathy of bystanders for what he has to put up with to appease you.

He's a twat and it's highly improbable you can't do better for yourself.

TheShapeOfEwe · 29/07/2018 17:42

He behaved like a real arsehole here OP. Does he have form for this or is it a one off? I would be furious to be treated that way.

BrokenWing · 29/07/2018 17:45

I would find it very off putting sitting with someone saying I'd find something or I don't mind or I would have settled for something very annoying too. Puts a whole damper on the day out with the veggie martyr in the corner.

You could have said oh the sandwiches look great, I'll have one of them with a big cake after instead.

You made it obvious you didn't want to go, but still did knowing the options, then made sure everyone knew you were making a huge sacrifice with your passive aggressive comments about having to find something. We've all, veggie or not, been to places where the menu hasn't inspired, I do regularly, but I get on with it, and still enjoy my day out without having a whinge to everyone that I don't like the menu because of my personal food likes and dislikes.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/07/2018 17:54

I agree with @BrokenWing. I'm veggie and even when I was a meat eater I would go somewhere and just didn't want anything but if my DP was sat there saying 'I will settle for something' that would annoy me too.

That doesn't excuse his reaction, that was out of order but we have only got one side and this may happen regularly and this was the last straw. We all lose our cool sometimes.

starsandstuff · 29/07/2018 17:56

I would find it very off putting sitting with someone saying I'd find something or I don't mind or I would have settled for something very annoying too.

Oh god yes, there's nothing worse than someone having to eat something they don't actually want and them being all nice about it and saying they don't mind WTAF

He sounds like an arse. Luckily his DF clearly thought he was being an arse, not you, so don't worry about that. Maybe consider whether you want to be with an arse for the rest of your life?

RebelRogue · 29/07/2018 18:04

@BrokenWing the lunch was supposed to be coffee.

OP was more than willing to eat at home but her partner opposed that idea as well. She said there wouldn't be a lot of options and he ignored her.

He wanted her to admit in front of everyone that she didn't like the food which is a dick move to do regardless if OP actually liked it or just pretended to do so.

If OP is fussy or a martyr or whatever is relevant,you don't pull people up on what you THINK they feel and try to force them to agree with you.

BewareOfDragons · 29/07/2018 18:08

What RebelRogue said. Exactly.

It was a dick move on HIS part. Completely. He owes both you and his parents a grovelling apology for his dickish behaviour.

BunsOfAnarchy · 29/07/2018 18:34

YANBU.
How embarrassing...doing that to you in front of his parents. How awful of him. Its like he was looking for a fight.
Ugh.

BrokenWing · 29/07/2018 18:36

I wouldn't go to eat and say hmm I don't like anything, don't want that because I don't want mussels, I don't want that cos there's black pudding in it, hate sweet potatoes, (I am fussy!) it's okay I'll find something, I dont mind there's nothing nice for me :(, Boring choice I'll have steak pie because theres no other choices for me that I like :(.

I wouldnt do it because it's rude, I'd say I'll have the steak pie as it sounds nice and that would be it.

I also wouldn't go and have lunch with others and not eat because id eaten before for the same reasons.

if everyone was going to a greek restaurant I wouldn't go because I tried it before and I don't like greek or I'd suggest elsewhere. If they are keen on Greek I wouldn't go.

Ops dh was an arse but op also needs to say what she means instead of going where she doesn't want to go then letting everyone know she isn't happy by showing no enthusiasm and as it's op reading this is it not better she gets advice on how she could have handled it better.

Armadillostoes · 29/07/2018 18:46

Broken-The behaviour of the OP's DH was humiliating and abusive. Advice on how to pander to him more effectively is not helpful.

LIZS · 29/07/2018 18:48

How odd! Is there any reason why he would choose to undermine you in front of his parents? Clearly it made them feel awkward.

RebelRogue · 29/07/2018 18:52

Enthusiasm over sandwiches and chips?

OP's fussiness or vegetarianism aren't the issue here. Her partner repeatedly getting angry,pulling her up on perceived behaviour,forcing 3 other people to go somewhere else and in the end all going home hungry and then him getting angry again and basically accusing her of lying is what is the issue.

And once again...they were going for coffee...it was the partner that fussed over OP wanting to eat at home and demand they eat at the garden place.

Only way OP could've avoided is having an argument at home by ignoring his demand or leaving his sorry tantruming arse.

CanIhavedessertfirst · 29/07/2018 18:57

I'm fussy, but my DH would never make a scene like that, even if he did think I was being a martyr. The right thing would have been to ask you quietly if you were sure you were ok to eat there. Even if you didn't want to eat at the garden centre, that behaviour was so uncalled for.

FinallyHere · 29/07/2018 19:01

My money is on @Happygoldfinch 's explanation

Sounds as if his pride was hurt when you were proved right about there not being many vegetarian options. Before you left, he insisted that you eat with them, but then would have seen that there was only one dish - like you suggested there might be. He's transferring his hurt pride with you into annoyance at you, morphing "I was wrong about the meal options" into "you are a picky eater". I think it might be all about him having been proved wrong about the menu choices!

I had a partner like this (for years, but that was a different story) it was always all about him. Sigh.

WittyFuck · 29/07/2018 19:06

He set you up for an argy bargy didn’t he? The question is why? I wouldn’t worry about his parents, they obvs know what he is like- although I would call and say it was such a shame the day was spoilt.

FWIW I do think accommodating vegans and other food requirements can be a PIA. Don’t make a fuss, choose a place you like or try to really enjoy cheese sandwiches!

RebelRogue · 29/07/2018 19:11

Also I can't see OP daring to make a fuss in the future id she's unhappy with the food/location if this kind of anger and berating is what she gets when she's actually being agreeable.

RabbitsAreTasty · 29/07/2018 19:13

next time you go out? I wouldn't think there'd be a next time if he were my boyfriend.

Has he apologised nicely yet? If not, are you giving him the proper cold shoulder?

daisychain01 · 29/07/2018 19:16

It all sounds exhausting!

Poor OP just wants something tasty to eat, not be fobbed off with a cheese sarnie. How difficult is that to arrange?! Bonkers.

Scrumptiousbears · 29/07/2018 19:24

If it went as you say OP then his parents aren't silly and know whose in the wrong.

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