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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My fault?

113 replies

hfuiweo · 29/07/2018 16:17

This stroy is going to sound ridiculous but here goes...

We were supposed to be meeting DP's parents for coffee today at a garden centre. I said I was going to eat lunch before we went, but DP said no don't, we will get food there. I said the place doesn't have much choice, but he insisted they did and told me not to faff around cooking/making food.

We got there and the menu was quite limited, with only one veggie option for a meal (I'm a veggie). I said I would find something, I'd have a sandwich or chips. DP made a huge scene in front of his parents, saying he could tell I was annoyed at the limited food options, and knew I would moan about it when we got home. I said I wouldn't (the truth), and I'd find something there as there were cakes, sandwiches etc. He started getting even more angry, and said I was only saying this to be polite in front of his parents, and then said we should go to a pub nearby.

He got his way, and we all drove 3 miles to the pub but when we got there it was fully booked. It was pouring with rain, and his parents decided to go home. It was really embarrassing, and I kept telling them I didn't mind eating at the garden centre, I would have eaten something!

When me and DP were in the car he got very cross with me, and said I should have been honest at the garden centre and said I didn't like any of the food. I said I would have settled for something and that's behind honest, but he said I'm a picky eater and why am I so difficult. This is just a mind fcuk for me, as I said I wouldn't mind staying in the original place, it was him kicking up a fuss!

I'm now worried his parents think I'm a difficult mare, but I was trying not to be difficult :S I think I'm just asking for opinions on this, as I am just baffled

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 29/07/2018 16:47

Sounds like more to it

You said you'd eat before you went

Then only 1 dish available

He probably thought you were martyring around with your chips and a cake etc.

Awrite · 29/07/2018 16:47

There was no way you could have avoided his unreasonable actions by modifying your behaviour.

Sounds like his parents know what he is like. Hope you are taking note.

HowIWishYouWereHere · 29/07/2018 16:47

Wow, he sounds fun Hmm. What a stupid thing to ruin a nice lunch out with. Does he often do this sort of thing?

Tinkobell · 29/07/2018 16:48

Meh. Sounds like a silly barny tbh. Let the feelings settle and blow over. He was probably bloody hungry himself when things kicked off ......that always brings out the worst in people, a calorie meltdown fight.
I'm dieting and also gluten intolerant ....last week everywhere we went only sold floury baps filled with grated cheese, so I had to sit eating a bloody apple.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2018 16:48

Wait a minute... Even if you WERE being a fussy pain in the arse, that is TOTALLY irrelevant. There is no excuse for him to have treated you that way in front of other people. End of. If he was frustrated with you, he should have discussed how he felt in private. In my opinion, what he has done is a complete deal breaker. That is not how a mature adult treats their partner. His level of disrespect is unforgivable.

InspectorIkmen · 29/07/2018 16:49

Your DP sounds like a fucking idiot. Been with him long?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/07/2018 16:51

Gaslighting Central, I'd say.
He wanted to show you up.
You'd said you could make do with a sandwich or cake, and he kept banging on about you being fussy? Bollocks!
Mind you, if his Dad told him to stop his nonsense, then hopefully they will have seen through his nasty, petty little charade.

Have you been with this man long? Do you foresee it lasting much longer?

eddielizzard · 29/07/2018 16:51

He tried to make you look unreasonable to his parents. How is the relationship normally? Is he always such an arse?

happypoobum · 29/07/2018 16:53

Yeah he is a wankbadger.

The only thing that made me hesitate was your use of the phrase, "I said I would settle for a sandwich etc" but as Aquamarine said, even if you were being a martyr, he still shouldn't have kicked off like that in front of his parents.

I would guess he regularly runs you down to his parents and this was "evidence" of how "difficult" you are. Sounds like FIL knows he was being an arse though.

How long have you been together? Kids? I wouldn't tolerate this to be honest, especially if it is part of a pattern of behaviour. Flowers

Gemini69 · 29/07/2018 16:53

He sounds like a complete DICK OP.. does he often create unnecessary drama ... Flowers

daisychain01 · 29/07/2018 16:53

He's being mean and difficult and a complete arse

It can hardly comes as a surprise to him that you need to make sure you can get something to eat so you're not sitting there like a lemon while they all tuck into their double burger or whatever.

He shouldn't give you a guilt trip either. You're a veggie he should get over himself and give you support, especially to your PIL so they don't 'have a go' as well.

spudlet7 · 29/07/2018 16:55

He sounds like a lunatic OP. From what you say, it sounds like it was fairly obvious that it was him kicking up the fuss, not you, so I wouldn't worry about what his parents think too much!

suckmasterburstingfoam · 29/07/2018 16:57

This sounds like most of my childhood. My mum was extremely fussy and my dad was an arsehole.

My dad would suggest somewhere to go, my mum would say what was wrong with it, my dad would insist it would be ok, and my mum would go along with it.

We'd get there, my mum would pause for a second to register her disapproval, before saying that she would find something she could eat, it would be absolutely fine. She would silently look at everything with an upturned nose or a look of horror, wipe an imaginary speck of dirt off her cutlery and get out her hand sanitiser. My dad would get angry and make a scene and my mum would insist it was absolutely, completely fine. My dad would blow up, drive recklessly to somewhere else, which would always be full or shut.

Every fucking time we went out, for years. I wish I could have gone home, like your DP's parents did.

I have no idea about the dynamics of your relationship, or who was right or wrong, but in my parents' case, they were both twats in different ways.

Incidentally, they're both much better these days and we all get along OK!

ChasedByBees · 29/07/2018 16:57

Have you been with him long?

diddl · 29/07/2018 16:57

Tbh, if you knew the place didn't have much choice, Idk why you didn't eat before you went instead of taking notice of him.

Is food/eating out generally an issue?

Does he get pissed of that there are places that you can't eat in?

daisychain01 · 29/07/2018 16:57

As a veggie this is close to my heart, OP, we're often treated like 2nd class citizens in restaurants and pubs, which is ridiculous when there are so many great ingredients that are quick and easy to cook and prepare.

My fave place is the one where you point at a pasta dish for example and say "can I have this one, as a veggie option" and they can do it without any fuss or embarrassment to the veggie. A lot of places make you feel like a villain. You don't need that from your family ffs!

RebelRogue · 29/07/2018 16:58

Does he have form for this?
How long have you been together?

I wonder if his goal was to end up at the pub not expecting it to be fully booked,so he used you as an excuse.
Tbh regardless of reasons he acted like a complete dick.

Movablefeast · 29/07/2018 16:58

In 22 years of marriage DH has never behaved like this once. I feel for you that your DH is so ridiculously immature, what a nightmare.

I hope you said very calmly before you left the garden center "I just want to make it very clear that I am perfectly happy to eat here".

God, what a complete twit. You poor woman. Make sure you speak to your ILs without your H around so they can see you are a reasonable person.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 29/07/2018 17:03

Firstly he is definately an arse and needs to apologise

In terms of being reasonable about the lunch options it's really difficult to call because the scenario could be seen two ways dependant on tone and behaviour

If it was a :

" ok look there's a veggie option and lots of sandwiches and cakes ,right all I am off to choose " and he blew up ...then you have a DH problem and it's really worrying his behaviour

However if it was option b :

" siggghhhhh they only have one veggie option sighhhhhhh oh well I suppose I'll have something siggghhgg I mean only one veggie option but don't worry I'll make do with a sandwich or something ,don't worry about me all" then whilst his behaviour is still not ok...its possible he got pushed to breaking and snapped

Especially if you do have form for going on about it afterwards

Either way he absolutely owes you and his parents an apology but if it's option b you may need to consider your behaviour

Oysterbabe · 29/07/2018 17:07

I think a lot of us know someone like suckmaster's mum, which is why I pause slightly in assuming this was completely his fault.

Original poster
hfuiweo · 29/07/2018 17:08

I don't have a history of moaning about things after (that's more his kind of thing tbh). The only thing would be next time I'd suggest going somewhere else if we're having lunch.

OP posts:
Inertia · 29/07/2018 17:09

Does he do this often? Sounds like he deliberately set things up so he could blow up at you about being a picky eater.

You don't have to obey him, you know. You could have had your lunch before you went (unless you intended to eat at the time you needed to leave).

Happygoldfinch · 29/07/2018 17:11

Sounds as if his pride was hurt when you were proved right about there not being many vegetarian options. Before you left, he insisted that you eat with them, but then would have seen that there was only one dish - like you suggested there might be. He's transferring his hurt pride with you into annoyance at you, morphing "I was wrong about the meal options" into "you are a picky eater". I think it might be all about him having been proved wrong about the menu choices!

Aridane · 29/07/2018 17:15

(and gettingback’s,second scenario)

Rebecca36 · 29/07/2018 17:16

Your partner sounds appallingly bad tempered. I presume you didn't moan but were prepared to have a sandwich (if you'd moaned you would have been wrong).

Put it behind you for now but make sure he doesn't make a scene again, especially in front of others

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