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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel MIL crossed a line...

96 replies

Specky12 · 28/07/2018 20:29

Or was she just helpful?

DH and I are just back from 2 weeks abroad and MIL very kindly offered to feed our cats. While we were away she also replanted our flower pots as ours died due to heat, cleaned and tidied (even though I thought we had done that). She also went in my wardrobe and found our laundry basket and cleaned and ironed our dirty clothes. She didn't know that's where it was kept so must have gone upstairs and hunted... She also left chocolates and flowers around the house, including in our bedroom drawers. She changed our bed sheets for us and sorted my kitchen cupboards by labelling everything... I know she was being kind but I feel like my privacy has been invaded. I sound ungrateful, but I am quite private and hate the thought of her having gone through our house... DH says I am unreasonable and should thank her.

OP posts:
TheShapeOfEwe · 28/07/2018 20:30

YANBU - even though my MIL is wonderful and I adore her she did this once when we were on holiday and I found it very intrusive. You're entitled to have your private life be private!

Apehouse · 28/07/2018 20:30

I’d count my blessings if she is so kind and helpful.

Adviceplease360 · 28/07/2018 20:31

Wish my mother in law was as helpful
Yabvu.

1vandal2 · 28/07/2018 20:31

The feeding cats and sorting plants out was kind.

The other stuff was a bit privacy invasiony as you hadn't asked her to do it.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 28/07/2018 20:32

Line crossed imo.
I have keys to dd and ds homes. I clean at their request. The only opening of cupboards is to clean the fronts.

Sounds like your mil sees your home as an extension of her own.

Wouldn't make me thrilled about that.

Confusedbeetle · 28/07/2018 20:34

eek I would never do that

RandomMess · 28/07/2018 20:36

Intrusive! MIL cleaned out our fridge very differential digging around in our bedroom...

Original poster
Specky12 · 28/07/2018 20:36

She is not normally kind and helpful by the way, in fact usually she is quite abrupt and in 20 years has never done anything for us. I was surprised when she offered to feed the cats. Examples of usual behaviour is telling us never to ask her to babysit and never doing so in 10 years, refusing to have anything to do with wedding planning as she felt we were being indulgent (we really weren't), regularly calling me fat amd other names (am size 12)... So many things and so this new behaviour is kind of confusing.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 28/07/2018 20:36

She has crossed a line but lesson learned , if you ask her to cat sit again leave the washing and ironing where she can find it like downstairs by the front door .

RageAgainstTheTagine · 28/07/2018 20:36

It sounds like she just got reeeeeeeeally bored! Or, just loves housework??

DramaAlpaca · 28/07/2018 20:36

I'm very private too and that would've been several steps too far for me.

I'd have been OK with the feeding of cats and rescuing plants, but everything else crosses a line big time.

I'd thank her for being kind, but at the same time politely make it clear the extra bits weren't necessary and that she wasn't to do it again. Your DH should have your back on this as well.

SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 20:37

She must have a very lonely life.
I wouldn't be impressed with her hunting in your cupboard....she could have found anything.

Subtlecheese · 28/07/2018 20:37

You can both be right here she did something nice but also unasked. To me and many others it is a step over a boundary but she appears to not think that, nor does her son. Take it as face value (as a first case). Thank her, with flowers or a nice lunch. Break it to her, with dh there that you feel (emphasise you are a private person) uncomfortable about her going in your wardrobe/ room. That you know it came from a supportive place but could she possibly stay out of your room without you there. Thank her again, say you feel very lucky etc. But stick to that boundary. Perhaps ask for her advice/ input with less personal tasks as she sounds as though she likes to organise (kitchen). If she repeats the behaviour after being asked not to It's a different situation.

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 20:38

Can you send her round here, please?

LML83 · 28/07/2018 20:39

Sounds like it came from a good place and also must have been a lot of effort. If she just wanted to snoop she could have done so.
Can understand how you feel though, but I would let it go if you can.

Sandsnake · 28/07/2018 20:39

The thing is it’s both - an invasion of your privacy and (unless there’s some horrible back story) what sounds like her trying to be really very kind to you.

What you have to work out now is whether your upset at the invasion of your privacy is worth what will probably really crush your MIL if you say something.

Subtlecheese · 28/07/2018 20:39

Ah. Ok I just read the update. I wouldn't bother being nice. I'd just not let her in the house alone again.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/07/2018 20:40

Hmm. Everything sounds really lovely but I am with you about the dirty laundry. It's a step too far and an invasion of privacy.

I have a key for DS and DIL to feed the cat or be there when they're expecting a delivery of something and I'll tidy up if it needs doing or stack the dishwasher etc but never go upstairs. They've a downstairs loo so there's no need.

In your shoes I would thank her for feeding the cats but ask her not to go in your room in future, make a joke out of it saying that you're embarrassed as it's a bit untidy or something. But definitely say something if DH won't do.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/07/2018 20:40

My MIL used to come once a week to clean. More for DH I think, to save him. I did appreciate it, but she over stepped the mark on a number of occasions by rearranging my wardrobe etc.
I used to buy Cosmopolitan magazine at the time and got a free book called The Big O (orgasm). I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when she found that in my drawer!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/07/2018 20:41

Did she find the giant strap on and the gimp mask?

FASH84 · 28/07/2018 20:42

I'd love to come home to this, but I have a good relationship with my MIL. In all honesty if she'd been in our cupboards and found something to be embarrassed by, it's her embarrassment not mine.

HaveSomeGrace · 28/07/2018 20:43

I just wonder had it been your own mother, would it have bothered you equally? That’s not to say I agree with it though.

imlateagain · 28/07/2018 20:44

She is not normally kind and helpful by the way, in fact usually she is quite abrupt and in 20 years has never done anything for us. I was surprised when she offered to feed the cats. Examples of usual behaviour is telling us never to ask her to babysit and never doing so in 10 years, refusing to have anything to do with wedding planning as she felt we were being indulgent (we really weren't), regularly calling me fat amd other names (am size 12)...

I think we have the same MIL.

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/07/2018 20:45

A couples bedroom is out of bounds to anyone. That is a gross invasion of privacy to go in there, let alone rooting through drawers. I accept she meant well - but it's still overstepping.

Anywhere else is a public area, so fine, she could tidy, dust and bleach to her hearts content!

glueandstick · 28/07/2018 20:45

Part of me would love it because I’m lazy but yearn for a super organised life.

Part of me would be deeply uncomfortable. Line well crossed.

But it won’t happen here because the woman wouldn’t ever do anything helpful.

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